Chapter Three

Saturday morning Hubby was in the shop. He has two orders he has to get out early this week. I was sitting at the table thinking. I was looking forward to the night because I really love our Saturday nights now. I always get my fuzzy and since I don’t have to have sex I am so much more relaxed. Weeknights I am more tired and am happy with just the melt. The way Hubby loves me I wasn’t even feeling guilty about not giving him sex at all…ever. Then I felt guilty about not feeling guilty. I am still a messed up woman. My one regret is that I can’t ever seem to climb to the top of that mountain and have the amazing sex we had those couple of times. I want that feeling so much but no matter how hard I try I always panic and can’t do it. So while I was sitting there those thoughts about how this isn’t fair to Hubby were in my head, especially since he is working so many hours and is feeling a little stressed, and I wished I could do something special for him in the bedroom. But I know I can’t do it. Things are going so well but I was getting myself all worked up over it not being enough. I decided I needed to talk to Jane. I went out to the shop and told Hubby I was going to call Jane to see if she wanted to go shopping. Hubby apologized for not being able to take me but I told him it was okay because I haven’t seen Jane in a while.

I called Jane and asked her if she would like to go do a little shopping and catch some lunch, my treat. Jane knows me so well. She asked, “Girl child, do you want to go shopping or do you need to talk?” I told her I would really like to talk to her. I told her it wasn’t anything big or bad. I just needed to clear my mind up. Jane said she would come over and she would listen and then we could go shopping. I told her everything and our new arrangement caught her a little by surprise but it didn’t bother her at all. I told her how Hubby was working so many hours I was feeling a little neglected and he was uptight even when we did get to just sit together. And I told her how hard I am trying to make the real love making thing happen because I want that special feeling for both of us so badly. Jane just let me talk and say it all without saying a word. When I got all talked out Jane asked me some questions. She asked if I would consider seeing a real professional about my fears. I told her I still can’t do that. I can just barely talk to her. Jane didn’t push the issue. She asked if I thought Hubby was being honest when he says he is happy with the new arrangement. I told her he seems very sincere and on Saturday nights he is even more gentle and more loving than ever. Then she said, “What you need is to get away. Just the two of you.” Even if it is just a long weekend. Go somewhere fun, and peaceful, and maybe a touch romantic. She said, “be a tiny bit flirty, live a little dangerously.” She said relax and enjoy each other with no distractions. If it happens it happens. If it doesn’t at least you can reconnect and come home refreshed. I said that sounded like a fantastic idea but he is so busy. Jane asked, “ Aren’t you supposed to be in charge? Be firm and tell him he is taking a couple days off to save your marriage.” I said, “You are right. I’ll do it.” We went shopping and I bought us some lunch and I felt a whole lot better. I actually gave Jane a hug when she dropped me off at home later.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and Sunday picking a spot to go and making reservations and planning our vacation. Today I cleared it with my boss and after supper I confirmed all the reservations. Hubby had gone out to the shop to pack up the orders to go out the next morning. I went out to the shop and put on my school teacher persona. I told him in no uncertain terms that he was to tell his clients that he was not going to be available from August 20th to August 23rd. We were going to the Finger Lakes with a stop to let him see Watkins Glen and a stop at the Corning Glass Museum for me. I got no argument. He actually seemed relieved. He said that sounds great and he needed a vacation. He gave me a big kiss and said he’d be in as soon as he finished this last package.

I came in and started to write this all up. He came in when I was about half way through with this and he just read over my shoulder. At one point he said, “I’m sorry. I’ve been putting my work ahead of you.” I told him it is okay and I understand. I told him his work is important but he has to be quiet while I finished this. Now that I am done I think he wants to hug me.

 

I am happy with it Iso. I have been neglecting Missy for weeks now. I have a little trouble balancing my work and our lives sometimes. Who knows. If I can make her the center of my life for a long weekend it might be just what she needs too. It is certainly something she deserves. She has been pretty patient with my being in the shop six days a week and some evenings.

 

Jah, I have to agree with you 100%. It is about the journey and the love. The orgasms are just a bonus when they happen.

 

@LockedbyFridayGirl Hubby called me in to read your post. It seems everyone agrees with Jane that this is what I need to do and I am really glad I chose to do it. I will try to flirt a little and if we are just having fun by ourselves I really think I can make it happen.

 

Saturday night and this morning were special and wonderful but not in the usual way. Hubby has a big order for one of his best customers he has to ship out Monday and there are some pieces, some very special bolts or something that he can only get one place, he needs to finish it. They were supposed to arrive on Friday and when they didn’t come he called and the shipping company said he would have them Saturday for certain. Saturday evening came but the package didn’t. He can’t get a hold of anyone that can track them till Monday morning. He was beside himself all evening. He didn’t eat but about 5 bites of his supper. It just got worse all evening. By the time we went up to bed I was actually afraid because he was so stressed. I felt like I had to do something and suddenly I knew what I had to do. I did my bathroom things first and I left my nightgown off and waited for him by the bathroom door. As he came out I put my arms around him and kissed him as passionately as I could. He said I didn’t have to give him sex and that wouldn’t help anyway even if he could do it. I told him there is nothing we can do about the part until Monday morning. I said that his blood pressure must be off the charts and I didn’t want him having a heart attack while he waited for it. I was going to do for him what he does for me five nights a week. I led him to the bed and told him to get in and he was to put his head on my breasts and lie there quietly. We did and I pulled his one hand up so it was also on my breast. I pressed his head against me a little and then I rubbed his back, and arm, and neck and all the while I quietly told him I loved him and everything would work out. It would be okay. Just over and over while I caressed him with his head on my breast. It took a few minutes for him to start to relax but then he started to kiss my breast a little and rubbed the other one with his hand that was on it and then he stopped and he was asleep and peaceful for the first time since before supper. All at once I felt like I knew how he feels when he makes me melt in his arms. He says it gives him a feeling of power and being loved at the same time. I experienced that exact thing the moment he relaxed and fell asleep. I finally understand.


This morning we woke up quite early and he was still lying peacefully on my breast. He asked if I would like him to take me to my special place. I realized I had never taken the key from around my neck last night so I said, “Even better. If you promise not to give me an orgasm you can make love to me.” I didn’t really give him a chance to answer. I just took off the key and moved down and got the cage off of him and then came back up and laid on my back. Hubby rolled me up on my side and he rolled on his side against me and inserted his penis in me. I threw my leg over his to make it easier to stay in. Then he just held me close and was still. I asked him, “Don’t you want to make love to me?” He said, “We are making beautiful love right now and I don’t need an orgasm until you are able to share it with me.” I tried not to cry but I got very teary and I just pressed my body against him and held him as tight as I could.


Then he started to caress my back and kiss me and tell me how much he loved me. He caressed the side of my breast so gently. Suddenly I had the most wonderful fuzzy ever. I just pressed against him for the longest time and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Then I collapsed, totally exhausted. He just held me gently and said, “I love you so much.” I cried for a couple of minutes and he just held me and didn’t say another word until he glanced at the clock and said we better get up if we are going to make it to church.


We got dressed and he found the pieces for the cage and put it on and handed me the key from off the bed. On our way home from church, as we were passing the garage that is a little ways up the road, the owner waved us down so we pulled in. He told us as he was driving by on his way home and he saw a package by the door of the garage. When he checked it out it is addressed to Hubby. It was the package Hubby was fretting about. He is in the shop right now putting everything together. I WAS RIGHT. Everything is going to be okay. And I mean everything.

 

I still feel good tonight. Hubby says that feeling stays with him the next day. He is so right. Sunday afternoon Hubby was so relieved and back to normal. Better than normal actually. He just wanted to hold me and hug me all the time. Almost too much. It was hard to get anything done. Sunday night he said, "thank you for last night. I love you so much." After he made me melt instead of rolling on his shoulder I rolled on my back and pressed his head down onto my breast and held it tight there for a few minutes and I felt so close to him. Then I finally asked him to let me have his shoulder. We both slept really well last night.

 

This is the first chance I’ve had to look at the site in a couple of days. I just read what Missy posted. What she did was very special. I am not sure I’d have been able to get to sleep on my own. I had lost all perspective and getting that order out on time was controlling my life Saturday night. Missy was willing to do whatever she had to do to get me through till Monday morning….no matter how hard it was for her. Going to bed naked and holding my head on her bare breasts must have been very difficult for her. Sunday morning she was even willing to let me have one-sided sex. I know that makes her feel more like a prostitute than a wife or lover now. But she would have done it for me. Is it any wonder I love her so much?

She turned the tables on me. She is the one with the high stress job and it is my role to make her feel safe and to help her relax at the end of the day. She made ME melt and brought me back to what is really important in life.

That feeling I get when she melts in my arms is so hard to describe. I am so glad she got to experience that feeling.. I am lucky. I get to have that feeling almost every night. She has struggled to understand how I can be as satisfied as I was when we had Saturday night sex. Now that she knows how it feels to make your partner feel unconditionally loved, safe, and secure and to make the stress and worries evaporate into thin air it will be less of a mystery.

Missy, I love you and thank you. To paraphrase an Eric Clapton song, You were wonderful that night.

 

Summer has been busy and I have not given Missy any of the attention she deserves. As she said, she changed that and arranged a vacation we both really needed.

We left at the crack of dawn Friday morning and she told me to leave the cage at home. We stopped at Watkins Glen. They weren’t racing but I was going to get to “Drive the glen” at noon and I got to drive her Mustang around this iconic course. You have to stay in line and follow the pace car. But it was so COOL. We got to the Corning Glass museum late in the afternoon and she had signed up to make a glass flower that we would have to stop and pick up on our way home cause they have to let it cool very slowly and you can’t have it the same day. We got to the hotel in time to grab a late supper. We sat on the balcony with a glass of wine and enjoyed the view over the lake. It was very relaxing. I needed that and I think she did too. We didn’t make love but she did get to melt in my arms. Saturday we had fun doing the wine tour and probably tasted more wine than we should have. Before we went to supper she put on her sexy bra with a blouse that showed a lot of cleavage and she had her short skirt on and no panties. I tried to be as cool as I could but it was hard and she was trying to tease me as much as she could. Afterward we sat on the balcony and she undid a couple buttons and put my hand on her thigh as we made small talk. I caressed her shoulders and back and kissed her neck and her lips. After a little while she said why don’t we go to bed early? We got undressed and I helped her take her bra off and then I laid her gently on the bed and got in and started to caress her breasts. Suddenly she burst into tears and said, “I can’t do this!” I put my arms around her and said it is alright I love you. She said it’s not alright. I worked so hard for this. It is so important and I can’t do it! I pulled the sheet up over us and just held her and I wanted to cry but I felt like I didn’t dare. She cried for at least a half hour before she finally fell asleep in my arms.

Sunday we took a boat ride and did some sightseeing and she was okay but not enjoying the beauty the way she should have. And she kept apologizing for Saturday night and how she let me down. Sunday night she just wanted me to hold her and tell her I still loved her. She slept on my shoulder and she didn’t cry but she wanted me to tell her I still loved her over and over before she fell asleep.

Monday morning when we woke up she was in better spirits but not the perky lady that started this trip. We checked out and stopped at the glass museum to get her glass flower and that brightened her day a little so I tried to talk about it some and how much fun I had at the Glen as we drove home.

Monday night after we unpacked and were getting ready for bed she was back in the dumps. She kept saying she was sorry and she doesn’t know how to make it up to me. And how messed up she is. She wants to be able to make love to me the right way. At some point the alpha male took over. I told her she worked so hard at being something she wasn’t instead of just being the loving woman she is. I told her that she just has to let it happen. You can’t force it. I told her it’s alright and to just be patient and the moment will come. Still a little teary, she said, “Please don’t be mad at me.” I told her I wasn’t mad at her but I wasn’t going to let her beat herself up. I said, “ the world will do that for you and it doesn’t need your help.” That actually made her laugh a little. I told her I loved her and now I was going to put her to bed so she could get a good night’s sleep before she has to go back to work. I carefully took off her blouse and she undid her slacks and slid them down and she sat on the edge of the bed while I got them off. I had her stand up and turn around and undid her bra and she took it off. I handed her the nightgown from the headboard and she slipped it on. I pulled down the covers and I picked Missy up and laid her on the bed and pulled the covers back up. I started to kiss her and ran my fingers through her hair and kissed her neck and all the things I do to make her melt that I could do next to the bed leaning over her. After five minutes or so she began to relax and then she ran her hand on my arm and my face and she was smiling. I hadn’t seen a real smile since Saturday. She pushed the covers down a little and said, “rub my breasts.” I gently massaged her breasts and kissed her and kissed her neck and then she very quietly said, “Make love to me. Make me feel everything I want to feel.” I pulled the covers the rest of the way down and reached under her nightie and took off her panties. I pulled off my underwear and got on the bed. I touched every inch of her body and kissed her breasts and eventually her vagina and she pressed my face against her for just a moment. Then she said, “make love to me.” The love making was amazing. She held me so tightly with her legs I could barely move inside her and she had an amazing orgasm even before I did. When we finished she said just let me lie on your shoulder. I rolled over and pulled her head on my shoulder and she was asleep before I thought to tell her I loved her. I could feel the wetness on my shoulder. I just hope those were her happy tears, I’m never sure.

When we woke up this morning she was still on my shoulder. She smiled and said, “You were right. I should have just let it happen.” She was actually perky at breakfast and she grabbed her glass flower she made and said she was going to keep it on her dresser next to Bear to remind her of this weekend. She took it upstairs and came down and finished getting ready for work. She gave me a big goodbye kiss and left.

I don’t know exactly what happened or how but it was amazing.

 

When I came home from work I asked Hubby to hold me for a very long time. And then I asked him if I could cry on his shoulder. After a few minutes I got my composure back and I said I would put what I need to say on our journal and he could read it there. I asked him to hold supper if he could and I went up and talked to Bear for a while. Then I got in my sweats and came down for supper and was feeling a little better.

On the ride home from work I started to think about the weekend. Monday night was wonderful. It was about the love Hubby showed me. I wanted to have sex so badly on Saturday night that I turned into the very thing I am most afraid of becoming. I had done everything wrong just to have an orgasm. It was for all the wrong reasons. My lust was controlling me. I ruined the night and our vacation. I know I disappointed Hubby.

Hubby is right. I have to let it happen naturally. I can’t let my desire for that feeling control me. Monday night felt wonderful and that still scares me. I crave that high, that feeling. And I know it is so wrong to want it so much. I am so messed up. I don’t know why Hubby puts up with me. I can’t even promise him that a moment like Monday night will ever happen again and he deserves every night to be like that. I deserve it!

Hubby said he didn’t know what happened or how. I think I know. Monday night I knew I had hurt Hubby. I had let him down. And yet all he did was show me his unconditional love. It didn’t matter that I had gotten his hopes up and then sucker punched him. He just did everything he could to make me feel better. He was so tender and gentle and all he cared about was that I was hurting. When I smiled it was because I suddenly knew it was alright. He loves me even when I hurt him. At that moment I wanted to make love to him more than ever. It wasn’t about a promise or about the orgasm. Yes I wanted to feel like a woman but I wanted to feel like his woman. That is how I felt this morning, like I did it for us, for our love, and not for some artificial reason. Tonight I am frightened again and I don’t even know why.

He shows me that unconditional love every day and that tenderness is there every night when he makes me melt. So why can’t I do this every night? Why is it so hard? Why does it feel so wrong? I know I have to be patient and wait for that special moment. It may only happen a few times a year…if it happens at all. But I know he will be okay with that. I don’t know why but he feels my love even when all I can do in the bedroom is take from him and all I can give back is to say I love him. He needs to just hold me tonight and tell me it will be alright. No kissing. No caressing. Just hold me and tell me it’s alright.

I love you so much Hubby and please never give up on me.

 

Dear Missy,

All I will say is I will never give up on us. We are in this together. I will love you always. You give me your love every time you let me hold you and when you melt in my arms I could not feel more special.

Love Hubby

PS: I will hold you all night and it is more than alright.

 

Iso, You are exactly right. I even felt good the next morning. That night I was frightened again and I don't know why. I didn't even want to melt in his arms that night. He just held me all night and I felt better in the morning. It is almost as if I had to hurt him in order to make love to him. That makes no sense. I am still pretty messed up when it comes to making love.