Good idea or big mistake?

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by Gomer, Jun 22, 2021.

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  1. Gomer
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    Gomer New member

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    I though you all would like to hear how it went, so here goes...

    I decorated the keys with bling so they looked magical instead of industrial. I wrapped them nicely, then presented them to her at the ideal time. When she opened them, I told her they were the "keys to me". She really liked the keys and thought they were just symbolic. I told her how I understood how the porn discovery hurt her and why she wanted assurance and control but felt it was not possible. Then I explained that the keys were more than symbolic and actually unlocked something, that it was a device that could help with some of my issues by providing restraint.

    I brought out the second package which contained the rest of the hardware (a knock-off stainless bird cage). She was not familiar with the cage concept. It seemed to strike her very odd -- seemed like a torture device to her. (understandable) I told her I had tried it and it was reasonable comfortable. To her it looked heavy, painful, and might cause long term harm to my man parts. She was not intrigued enough to have me put it on -- said if I thought I really needed it then do what I need to do. She obviously was not into the idea.

    She thought the keys were adorable, but threw away the rest. She thoughtfully kept one key and gave one to me to display as a constant reminder to think of her. All in all, I think she appreciated that I was willing to submit to this restraint to prove my commitment to her, but seemed too far out there. Who knows? She might think about it and eventually warm up to it, but for now the idea is parked.
     
  2. Drews
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    Drews Long term member

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    I think your discussion actually went better than you think. She did not just say no. She left the door open saying if that is what you need. If I were you I would put it on. When she sees it say you caught yourself getting ready to masturbate and you want to save it only for her. Mention you have been having success doing this and ask if that is okay. Little baby steps will make it less intense for her. Your situation was very similar to mine and now she keeps me locked at all times unless she wants sex. We now both agree this works best for us.
     
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  3. Guest 6019
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    Guest 6019 Long term member

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    It is a long process. I think my situation has been similar. We are getting there slowly though. Check out the journals, I have written quite extensively about my first six months and beyond, as do a lot of people starting out. A lot of good advice here. Communication and putting her first. Chastity has helped me break the porn habit. I do look at arousing pics and captions for inspiration when neglected if she is too busy, and edge myself, but my focus is on my wife and saving myself for her. She is aware of this as necessary so I'm not getting too moody. Over time we are getting there and she will want more control. It is all about letting those brain chems build up to put you and keep you in subspace aching for her to let you come, but only occasionally getting a ruin and rarely being allowed a full orgasm. That's my goal. To be her wanten devoted denied husband. If she doesn't have a kink, then I don't either.
     
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  4. Robins toy
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    Robins toy Active member

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    Food for thought...


    If someone that was extremely important to you sat down with you for a serious discussion and revealed that they needed or wanted, seriously desired, for you to do something that was foreign to you (let's say building a computer), how would you react? Would you be able to give them what they desired? With no specs on what they expected, the projected use for the computer, nothing..... could you produce exactly what they desired?


    I would expect that you would not be able to.



    The fear of the unknown is one of the most crippling things we face as people. If you want Her to consider your desires, maybe you should enunciate them....


    Just food for thought! Godspeed, friend....
     
  5. Sag
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    Sag Member

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    I was in a somewhat similar situation. I m been curious about chastity for years and my wife knew but had zero interest. She had a good sex drive then she got cancer. The treatment meant she lost all of her lady parts and her sex drive. After a few years I moved to porn more and more and that made her up set and led to more problems. Back in March I just put on the device and left the key out on the table. I told her since we were not having sex I wanted to explore chastity Andover hoped she would be involved but the level of her involvement was totally up to her. At first She did not get to involved but slowly she has been coming around. I’ve made it clear I want to have sex whenever she is willing but I do not want to jerk off. Since March I have spent the majority of the time locked up and jerked of just a few times. I notice it Pay more action to her as me touch her in non sexual ways much more when I’m locked. She notice’s also. We Ave actually had much more sex since we started this than we had for years.
    If you want to try it tell her and be honest and don’t force it on her.
     
  6. AB421
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    AB421 New member

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    Really good idea on your behalf. You are lucky, Im on a once a week schedule most of the time and am much younger. I am grateful I get released once a week. Many people do not get any sort of release whatsoever.
     
  7. luckyhubby83
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    luckyhubby83 Long term member

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    just talk to your wife about your interests.
    i did, was single handedly the best thing for our sex life. She has embraced her Dominant side and is learning more and more what that means for our marriage. attended 2 munches, she is taking classes on flogging, caning, and rubbing elbows with other local dommes who she can bounce ideas around with and learn from.

    since coming clean with her about my extensive kinky interests, we have done 2 years of ball trap non pierced cage. and just got a non ball trap PA cage from evolution wearables. (i love this frigin cage!, i can sleep at night now. she can tease me without worrying she is going to castrate me due to blood loss to the balls, yes i know its not true but she would not play with ,e while locked for that reason)
    talk to your wife. but dont dump it all on her lap or surprise her with you locked in a cage. that is too much too fast. be honest with her. ask if she would be opposed to learning about things that excite you. have her fill out a kinky list of interests or potential interests. obviously remove the off the wall stuff like scat, blood, and other things that would make a vanilla cringe . both you fill them out and have an afternoon where you trade lists and discuss over dinner/drinks.

    you may be suppressed what she wants to try.
     
  8. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    I think you might be trying to have your cake and eat it. You want chastity, but on your terms. That's not really the way it works.
     
  9. true42
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    true42 Owned member

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    That's not the way it works for you. Who knows what will work for him? :rolleyes:
     
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  10. PawEee
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    PawEee Active member

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    #35 PawEee, Jul 30, 2021
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2021
    Women do see it all differently. If she”s so uninterested in sex wirh you, you couldn’t predict her reaction to a gift of elegantly packed keys to a cage on her husvands penis. The idea could be immensly repelling without some good professional psychological preparation. I would rather start from some therapy cause my wife, with which normally I discuss everything in sex and life openly, doesn’t differentiate beetween chastity cage and a masturbator and declines to talk or read on this specific item and use of it. She sees as a sex toy that transfers my attraction from her to this “thing”. Moreover, she has nothing against me using a masturbator, but is absolutely against cage worn while beeing in bed or coddling her home or in open. You should rather try professional advice of a kind described in a book by Sierra Parker „Restart Ontimacy. A unique approach to aMale Chastity”.
     
  11. HusbandX
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    HusbandX Long term member

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    Communication has taken place; that's most important.

    The original poster faced a crisis involving his wife, and one of cheating. If the wife thinks masturbation is cheating, then it is. If she sees viewing pornography as infidelity (and many women do), then it is. The effort is to restore the balance, to regain her confidence. Her concern is about her husbands desires for her, when he is looking at images of other women, and stimulating himself. She needs reassurance that his desire is for her. Not for himself. Not for other women, but for her.

    Locking himself up does not provide that assurance. It's a token, but does not alter the situation. Talking will do more than anything. Many women believe, correctly, that they shouldn't need to force their husband to love them, to be faithful, and to focus on her. They believe men shouldn't need to be forced to do what they're supposed to do.

    A man who, by word or deed, says, "I will be faithful if you force me to," isn't really being faithful. If a man wants something, he does it without being forced.

    Many men, perhaps most, fantasize and think about sex constantly, want it often, and place a greater importance on it than their wife. This is especially true as we age.

    Chastity, for many of us is a fall-back; we can't have sex, so we might as well lock it up. There are probably as many reasons for chastity as wearers. I'm laying on a bed in a hotel room at the moment, wearing a cage. My wife doesn't know it's on (probably assumes it is; she's at home, far away), perhaps doesn't care. It won't change her day if it's on or off. The keys are on a counter nearby. I could remove it, but then I put it on. When I get home today, I'll put it on again, and wear it all the time, except when she directs it comes off, if she chooses. She doesn't need me to wear it. She does have a token key to wear, if and when she chooses.

    I don't get nearly the amount of sex I'd like. If I can't have sex, and mostly I can't, then my consolation is that I lock it up. Sort of like giving up something I can't have, for lent...I'm not catholic, don't observe lent, but I can't really give up something I don't have. Doing so is a farce, an illusion, and my chastity is too...but then chastity isn't in a device, it's in the person. Whether I put a cage on or simply refuse to have a release, it's chastity, and frankly, if I have sex but only with my wife at her choosing, then it's still chastity; I live a chaste life with a loyalty to her.

    Ask what she wants. Figure that out, and you solve the puzzle. Anything else isn't really for her. It's for you. If she's okay with that, it's fine. If it's not okay with her, then don't do it. "I'm not getting enough sex" would probably be the mantra of most married men. You have to decide if that means remaining loyal to your wife, or of you'll simply get what you want some other way.

    Communicate. Tell her you want more. Tell her that you understand she may not. Ask her if it's okay to masturbate. Ask her if you can masturbate to her, not to porn. Ask her if she would supervise your masturbation. Or schedule it. Wear the cage: she said do what you have to do. She doen't want to be a part of wearing the cage, but if she's okay with it, and you choose to wear it, then wear it. I do. Whatever path you walk, discuss. Communicate. You've done that. Keep doing that. At every step, ask how she will perceive it. Do everything with her in mind. Meet her needs and wants first. Then see where the journey goes. Any other way is trying to skip to the end, and unless you're watching a DVD or reading a book, it just doesn't work.

    It is about the journey, after all.
     
  12. enslavedbyc
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    enslavedbyc Junior Member

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    No masturbation is not cheating. Her opinion that it is does not make it so. Her opinion that viewing pornography is infidelity is also invalid. The prevalence of the opinion matters not.

    Indulging her opinion will not be helpful either. Education and couples counseling might be.
     
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  13. HusbandX
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    HusbandX Long term member

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    In a committed relationship, in which each partner has vowed fidelity to the other bar none, then any direction beyond this commitment may be cheating. A man looking at another woman with any intent, can certainly be cheating, and if a man has committed himself sexually to his wife, then his own wonton sexual gratification through masturbation is absolutely cheating. If she feels cheated, if she feels slighted, if she feels that his attention is on something other than her, then he has cheated her. He has hurt her, and as a committed couple it is not his decision alone to make.

    If he didn't wish to commit, then he ought not have committed to her. Yet he did. We pick up one end of the stick, we pick up the other.

    Many women rightly feel that their partner, who has taken an oath of fidelity between them, is cheating if he seeks his jollies in viewing other women. Should she not care that he view porn, perhaps there's little harm, except that his mind works and fantasizes with other women. We want what we see.

    The specifics of what are right and wrong are particular to the couple: if it's not agreed between them, then for one partner to take liberties not agreed by the others, is to cheat on that agreement.

    A man might say that his partner isn't giving him enough, sexually, and therefore he is justified to seek what he wants outside the marriage or relationship. He is cheating. He might say that simply because she doesn't like it, doesn't mean his actions are wrong.

    He is wrong.

    His actions are wrong. He is cheating.
     
  14. enslavedbyc
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    enslavedbyc Junior Member

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    Your viewpoint may be valid in my opinion, only if her views on masturbation and pornography were voiced prior to his commitment. Otherwise you are sharing your views on what you believe are the boundaries of a committed relationship, which are certainly valid within your own relationship and may or may not have bearing on anyone else's.
     
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  15. HusbandX
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    HusbandX Long term member

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    You are correct.

    I have no right to speak on anyone else's behalf, and I don't.
     
  16. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    2 separate issues.

    porn and self pleasure…chastity lifestyle

    one may seem like a perfectly valid option for eliminating the other, but the reality is far from it. Communication was mentioned quite a bit. There is a reason for that. Adding a sex toy to help you not be sexual by yourself because she isn’t very sexual with you…it doesn’t make a lot of sense when you say it out loud does it.

    You can give her the pitch, I need to wear this for her, to make you better, to force you to be better, their natural reaction would be to ask “why do you need that to act that way?”. She of course would be right, you should be able to, but making a sexual game out of going without is a lot more fun, and it forces her to participate in sexual activity just by doing what she already does. Instant denial key holder.

    If she has an issue with porn and jerking off, tell her your needs to replace them. I personally have never thought of either as inappropriate unless it affected my interest or ability to be available to my partner. Others may have their own views, and for certain, if she was upset about it, it’s wrong in her view. How she feels about it is how she feels about it. She isn’t wrong, it just is. Just as you aren’t wrong for feeling the need to do so. Which is where the communication comes back full circle.

    Talk about what you want, what she wants, what you both can compromise on, what you can’t. Either way, chastity cages are a prop, a tool, I wouldn’t suggest saying it was for her or because you can’t control yourself. Tell her you want her more involved, want her more in control of your needs, it excites you and that you think it’s a big turn on if she took total sexual control of when sex or masturbation happens. More than likely she will compromise, even if she isn’t into it, because people that love you do that kinda stuff for someone willing to open up.

    I just wouldn’t open up that can of worms of all the benefits that wearing a cage will “bring out” in you. It’s a favor, ask her to do you a favor, it will go better than insisting it’s somehow her fault that you look at porn, jerk off, and then become inattentive.

    Good luck
     
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  17. Robins toy
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    Robins toy Active member

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    Finally....a response that isn't self serving and narcissistic!

    Too often I read these threads and just think....wow. That jerk thinks that theirs is the only "right" way to do it!

    I have 5 children. They were all raised together in the same household. When they were first born, it was easy to have a consistently similar relationship with all of them. Now they are all adults and my relationship with each of them is different.

    Why? Because they are all different people with different wants, desires and hopes for their future.

    Each person we address on here is the same....a different person with different perspectives. Most of them also have a partner and that adds another, completely different perspective to the equation.

    Then we see the narrow minds strike with razor precision.

    It's reminiscent of my youth when I sat in church with the fire and brimstone of the Sunday sermon raining down while the preacher distilled down the "facts" about how the people in the church on the next corner (who said they worship the same God) were going to hell.....

    Geez.....get over yourselves.

    Remember that this isn't you and your particular relationship.

    People who come here and seek advice or guidance are usually confused enough already. They are trying to get some HELP from, supposedly, like minded people.

    Remember the hypocratic oath:
    First, do no harm.....
     
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  18. HusbandX
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    HusbandX Long term member

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    We speak for ourselves, from our own perspective.

    Should one not like it, one is free to speak for himself, instead.

    The vast majority here have never taken the hypocratic oath.

    Some here have taken an oath to do harm. Think about it.
     
  19. PawEee
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    PawEee Active member

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    „Adding a sex toy (chastity device) to help you not be sexual by yourself because she isn’t very sexual with you…it doesn’t make a lot of sense (…)” „(…) It’s a favor, ask her to do you a favor, it will go better than insisting it’s somehow her fault that you look at porn, jerk off, and then become inattentive.”
    [/QUOTE]

    Thanks a lot for it, #Nickoftime, you’re so precise in everything.
    Most ladies would rather consider a chastity cage as another masturbation device. It is not something appealing aestetically to them, at least at the beginning, but for majority of ladies they refuse to get into some strange fetish play, with technical complications (all this rings, sizes, spacers, chaffling etc…”. Most ladies are not interested in how car engine is constructed and how many mph could run in 5 seconds… The same is with chastity, they consider it another of male’s notorious fetishes brought home from sexshop or amazon. Here is the role of communication on her terms. Not an easy task, but it’s the only one that could bring positive results to most couples.
     
  20. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    One thing I forgot to touch on is the op’s inquiry as to if it was a good idea for their partner that isn’t very sexual, to have control of his sexuality.

    To answer that I would guess not, unless he is willing to be ok with getting whatever is given without resentment or hurt feelings. If he is worried about it enough to ask, then he’ll probably have some issues.

    One of the biggest thrills and benefits of being locked is the trust. A sub must trust that the dominant will do what is best, will make the right decisions, whether it’s what you want, you trust them to do what is needed. That kind of trust is special and not easy. Another aspect besides trust is communication. It gets a lot easier for both of you to express how you feel, what you need, and what you desire when you are actively trusting someone so explicitly.

    It certainly isn’t for everyone, and if you do it, it’s not productive to bug, nag, or complain about her decisions when she is in charge to f it. Backseat drivers. It can however be a demonstration of love, trust, and respect that creates a bond that only the two of you share.

    good luck
     
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  21. Drews
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    Drews Long term member

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    Everything is so true and you point out so many of the mistakes I made when we started our journey. The funny thing is my wife would probably list some of the same benefits I presented to her now but, she had to experience them herself. We have had lengthy discussions and she admits she would have never thought a chastity cage could have helped our relationship so much or that she would want me locked all of the time unless she wanted sex. If she didn't just agree to try it we would have never made it to this point. She believed it was all about me at the beginning and she would not have believed anything else no matter how much I explained benefits for her. It is a journey but ask her to try because you think it could help you.
     
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