Topping from the Bottom

Tell him when he's doing it and that his behavior isn't part of your agreement and if he whines or complains about that then tell him you don't want to participate in the dynamic anymore that way. It has to be your way or no way. Definitely do not feed his sexual desires with any response to this behavior (I.e. any punishment) and save that for when you want to do it.

 

I am not sure on "no punishment" for topping.
I would raher say that quick and surprising response will be better.
Something like "punishment points" - noticed in every (or some?) situation when he is topping and communicated to him straight (your bad behavior was noticed and will be punished later).
Punishment should be invoidable but not connected with situation. It could be eveningly or weekly. It should be something not-sexual and without any turn-ons (also not normal duties like clean bathroom, but rather "clean bathroom with toothbrush" or something equal stupid/punishing). It could be physical punishment (if you do such things), but not in the "arousing" way (if you know what I mean).
The idea is to count when it happens and punish (unavoidably) later. Then (hopefully) he will learn to think before acting bad. Punishments execution is the key.

I would rather avoid any financial punishment's but it depends on your creativity: An example: Penalty could be $100 for single bad behavior, and money will be well spend for full chastity belt (~$2000) or piercing - but I am not sure this will be stopping him or the opposite Just need to know his fears

PS.: Automation (of the punishment) could be very helpful - so after "bad behavior notification" he will know what to do (without wife even asking for it).

PS.: It could be even something so simple as evening without TV/Computer or without dinner/supper - depends on what suits you best - just some (unvoidable!) penalty for him.

 

Agree with the first part of this. Definitely pull him up on it and say this is not part of the agreement. Agree it's your way or no way.

Not sure about the "do not feed his desires" bit. That depends whether he's doing this for attention or because he's struggling to get to terms with the arrangement. If it is the former I can see the "do not feed" approach, but not if it is the latter. He needs to be made aware that his behaviour is transgressing. How that is best done is probably dependent on your existing dynamic.

Good luck

 

It’s easy. Tell him, if he tops one more time, you will stop dominating him, forever. You are done.

If he is actually submissive, he will know what that means and should scare the hell out of him.

If you continue to dominate him, tell him you will lead and proceed at your own pace according to your own desires. Not his. After all, that is what domination is. Right?

 

My wife simply does nothing. She does Not unlock me, and stops all teasing and attention. I dont think I've made it past 9 days of this without crawling back and begging for mercy. She has made it clear that if I cut the cage off or try to end chastity it would be worse than throwing my wedding ring in the lake. It might not end the marriage, but for sure would do irrepairable harm. No way is she ever going to play 2nd fiddle to me again.

Having said that, she has become so strong that I dont think there is any way I can top from the bottom - she usually just laughs at me.

 

I read this yesterday, and took a bit of time to consider how to try to answer you in a way that would make sense. Firstly, and somewhat important to note, that the men (no offence, guys) on this site essentially answer every question asked on the site by saying "you have to communicate", and assume that because you and your SO have a very black and white agreement, that you as a female, should simply stick to it. And for females, there is a lot of gray area involved.

It's hard in a power exchange for both parties to accept their role, and what is happening is that in these moments, he is not totally accepting his, and as such, you lack confidence in yours. So, some communicado is needed, but in saying that, in reality, firstly, you need some information to help guide you through the idea that your control is dependent on how much you exercise it, and accepting in yourself that you aren't in an arrangement like this for just him. It's for you too. You have a noted distaste for being put into the submissive or bottom role, but are unsure how not to be.

Ms. Elle X on YouTube is a decent resource to get some info from a female, not a male, on how to gain confidence, and on how to have the balance of control without feeling bad for going against the societal norm.
Other sites and ebooks also can help you through it.

Then, a very frank discussion is needed whereby you both identify that it is happening, and reaffirm that you will manage it, and he will comply. That you will take it on, and in doing that, as a favour to you in doing it, he will relent. Give yourself an avenue to say "Ok, you are topping again, stop that" which also helps him see that it does occur, and change his need to do this.

Some of this, just so you know, is him asking you to assert your Dominance further than what you are, and he likely knows he is over coaching, but wants more from you this way. Again, men solve problems like this. It's very cut and dried in his mind.

But as a female in power you likely don't and have thoughts and feelings all over the map. Learn about yourself first, identify the parts that really do it for you, and address them through it, in your way. Not his. And it will better equip you to address his.

Also, make sure your overall needs are met. If you enjoy dropping the pretext of a Dom and sub, to go for dinner, or on a date, ensure that you communicate that. You can't be complete in this role if the things that are important to you in and out of the bedroom, are not added in specifically for your needs. If that's non sex physical intimacy, or support in your work/life balance. Whatever that may be.

It sounds like inside, you need to heal a little from the past, and move forward, but are willing to undertake this dynamic, which is good. But it takes two, girl. He needs to understand that in hyper flexing on you, he is doing the opposite of his well intentioned, but his needs centric idea.

You have always been the giver in your life, and taking can be hard to adjust to. Give yourself time, and be kind to yourself. Learn about yourself, your triggers, the things that empower, and the things that cause you to be put off, or lose confidence. Then slowly tackle them. And, in it, make sure he supports you.

This is all for fun, and yes, have some. But doing it solely for him, just won't work. You have to find the spots that encourage you too, and draw on them for strength.

Good luck. Your role in this is not black and white. Let it be gray. Go easy in your assessment of yourself, and grow into it, rather than just doing it in a snap of the fingers.

M.

 

Do you have a written agreement or contract? I don’t know what the best solution for you guys is, but my wife and I have a written agreement that ultimately became part of our wedding vows. It doesn’t say ‘no topping from the bottom’, but it has a bunch of rules which make it off limits, for example it is in our agreement that, I’m not allowed to make her wrong, tell her what to do, or negotiate, for any reason, ever. I’m also not allowed to share without permission, and she has to be satisfied that I have fully understood her and appreciate her loving intent before I am allowed a turn.

I never break the rules now, but for at least the first year I would do so in more and more subtle ways, sometimes just with my tone of voice or attitude.

My wife’s response was to be coldly angry with me and treat it as unnacceptable behavior. She just wasn’t interested in what I had to say and would cut me down right away, and also get really harsh with demands and chores, etc, until I eventually gave in and apologized profusely.

I wasn’t doing it on purpose and I really didn’t know what was going on, although I was certainly in the wrong in terms of not submitting appropriately, as I eventually figured out. I don’t think it would have worked without the written agreement because I wouldn’t have been able to figure out what I needs to do to get back on her good side without it.

 

It is possible that your husband isn't a submissive male. What could be construed as an FLR can be in fact the husband allowing the wife to make x number of decisions on the day to day running of life because he doesn't feel the need to make those decisions or willing defers to you on some subjects. His "topping from the bottom" could be his way of setting boundries that he is comfortable with. Remember a good portion of men are not sissies or want to be dominated/cuckholded etc... but do want to be in a good healthy fun relationship with their spouse.

 

Sometimes "topping from the bottom" is just how subs try and communicate the things they like. Communication should be encouraged, but there is a time and a place for it.

 

You tell him for every time he tries to top he stays in chastity one extra week! Make sure he understands you are boss period

 

There is literally no such thing. It’s a common misnomer for attempting to dominate from the bottom. However, that is splitting hairs. The behavior you describe is only possible if you allow it. Anytime I would attempt to dominate my wife would simply result in her subverting the attempt into something I would find less than desirable. Simply refuse to reward undesirable behavior and it will end.

 

When I drop hints or suggestions about my wife locking my penis again or punishing me or whatever, she invariably ignores it. Often I wonder if she heard me or caught my meaning. And then out of nowhere when I least expect it -- maybe even least want it -- she shows me just how much we should be careful what we wish for.

 

When I do ask for something whether it’s being allowed an erection, maintenance spanking, or even what I would enjoy doing to my Wife, I always follow it up with saying something along the lines of, “it’s obviously all up to you, whatever you decide is best and I know you’re in charge”
Just so she knows I am not trying to top, just throwing ideas or desires out there. I know she makes the final decisions and I’m happy she has taken charge in our sex life

 

Strike 1, tell him that's not acceptable. Strike 2, no kink for a month. Strike 3, no more FLR kink or anything ever again. You're the F in the FLR.

You could also suggest to him that if he wishes to discuss aspects of the FLR then you will listen, but not necessarily do anything about them.

There's a very thin divide between offering constructive criticism, especially in the early days, and trying to do it your ( his) way.

 

Isn’t it just keeping him locked for longer never let him out without being handcuffed to bed. Each time he try to top you form the bottom teach him a lesson. Like he need to stay locked for a month.

 

Well done. (Her, not you )

 

What worked for me was Goddess PJ saying if it happens again she is throwing all of her toys and the keys away without unlocking me first.

 

Topping from the bottom - For to start FLR it is often necessary. In the beginning, a man and woman must to learn. But it should gradually decrease.

 

Topping from the bottom can be a very dangerous thing, it can lead to the Top giving up believing that the bottom is not really interested in her being in charge - just my 2 cents

 

I recommend Ms. Rika’s book Uniquely Rika
It’s a good book on domination and submission.

 

I've heard of it, but after your suggestion ... reading it now. Thanks!

 

- Exactly this your text you should send it to him... And this is a normal process. Maybe you're only at this moment half-way to his 100% submissiveness. It's a long process, a lot of learning for both. Maybe in the future he will be 100% submissive.



But maybe he is not 100% submissive man and never will be. Maybe this is the case. Men, who are 100% submissive, are not many. Every man is different. For that if you love him, you should also adapt a little to his desires. A woman's absolute domination with absolute ignorance for male desires, is unreal for a real relationship between a man and a woman. The lady is first, her desires come first, but as a secondary men's desires should also be realized. You are a couple.

Lady Saharah Eve is a super dominatrix, she believes in female superiority and is a female-racist. She says:

" I believe every Woman should have a slave of Her own, as a birthright. Our bodies are designed to create life. A man’s body is designed for physical work. He doesn’t create life: he serves it. And what greater thing to serve than the very giver of life: a Female.
The romantic male hero is self-deprecating, servile, and risks everything for the Lady, the Princess, or the Femme Fatale. The Female is the source of life from which the derivative and parasitic male emerges. Wombless, his breasts are dry: he is no muse, nor is he pursued by virtue of his existence. Men must strive to build from themselves something worthy. He is the sweet dog at Her feet, with his eyes beaming in admiration, begging for an order, a task to make Her happy, or the serpent in Her garden, wrapping around Her legs, obsessed with the portal that bore him into the world—seeking to penetrate it and renew himself somehow within. ... to serve and please his Goddess, and honor and empower all Females alike. "

But She also says:

Man and woman influence one another.
"I do understand the ways the sexes influence one another. Women, just like men, do not and most likely will not ever live in a vacuum from each other. We influence and are influenced by the opposite sex in ways big and small; this is inevitable and ultimately apparent to a mature, rational thinker..."