My Hands Free Journal

Ouch!

 

Day 2 of having my cock pushed inside me was interesting. Mistress unlocked me for inspection of how my skin was reacting to being constantly pressed against the bars of the cherrykeeper. It showed some indication of cutting off some circulation in the head, but that didn't last long. Mistress put my cock back inside me and locked the cage/cap back on. Once more my cock had disappeared. Mistress enjoys reminding me that deprived of a cock I am, sexually speaking, now more woman than man. She told me that if the micro proved practical for extended wear, life for me was going to continue to get more interesting. Whatever that means. I found it awkward to pull back the skin of my scrotum to keep it from covering my pee hole when urinating. I have begun to suffer from Damp Balls Syndrome. Also my cock lips were in a constant state of pain from rubbing against my sack or anything else due to protruding from the cap. The micro was proving to be more punishment than new norm. As planned, after Mistress completed her inspection, she had me hand her her strap on and submit to being fucked.
Day 3
Mistress unlocked and inspected me, deciding that the micro cap was not working for me due to my having very sensitive skin. Mistress is loving and caring. She put me back in the Cherrykeeper Small, as she likes how the Headlock keeps me firmly in place. Mistress told me that she was disappointed that the micro had to be shelved. That earned me ten swats from the paddle. Each cheek. Mistress then told me that she wants me to be available for paddling at all times, so she was going to order thong underwear for me. She told me she is going to get rid of my other underwear once the thongs arrived.
Mistress wasn't finished. She told me she wants me to legally change my last name to hers. When we were married she kept her family name, so the only change will be mine. Just when I think Mistress can no longer surprise me, she proves me wrong.

 

Where to begin? This morning Mistress gave me a v neck tee shirt that is so long it hangs below my knees. She said it is to be worn as a sleep shirt. She told me that she might want me to wear it as a "dress shirt", ha ha. So I might be wearing it around the house. She said she might look for "a cute belt to go with it".
Before my shower this morning, Mistress put me back in the micro and told me she will try to ease me into wearing it for longer periods. Maybe it will be suitable for only a few hours or days at a time. We will see. Mistress told me to use the hair dryer to make sure my balls were thoroughly dry, to prevent baby rash. We start off with wearing it until sundown today. Mistress seems determined to make my cock as good as nonexistent. She told me, as she was examining my cockless crotch, that it was Robert who encouraged her to take things slowly, to see if I could gradually adjust to this new state of being, rather than give up on it so easily. Thanks, Robert. Further thoughts on the micro. It's odd to be able to touch my balls but find nothing but air where my penis should be. Men's underwear is not meant to cradle just the balls, just as panties were meant to hold close without having any extra room for balls. Urinating is interesting as there is no sense of it coming out of a penis, but rather just coming out of my body. Mistress said that cockless me is no longer male yet not female. She said that she didn't know if there is a word to describe my current state, and that I should look into this. I would appreciate it if anyone knows how to describe someone like me who is denied having a penis because of a micro cage as opposed to surgery. Eunuch? I don't know. Maybe "Chastity Slave" is it, even though that encompasses a number of life styles.

 

The new test thong underwear arrived today. I was surprised to see they are a Japanese design. Very comfortable. Mistress had me try on a pair. She said that they are obviously not capable of supporting a cage. She had me pose for pictures, then she gave me 5 swacks on each cheek "just because". She is really starting to like using that paddle. Maybe that's what she meant that changes are coming.

 

Robert came over the other day, at Mistress' request. She told him about the thong underwear not supporting anything heavier than a flaccid dick. Robert's solution was for me to wear the support belt to hold up the JB short cage and a pair of boxers in case I "leaked at an inopportune time". I should have asked him what constituted an oppertune time. Anyway, Mistress liked the idea, so I brought out the belt.
Robert took a shower and held me by the hand, leading me to the bedroom. "Come with me, little girl", is what he said to me. Mistress giggled at that and followed us. Then he ordered me to get down on my knees. Naturally, I obeyed, and immediately proceeded to undo his jeans. He then commented that I was a cock hungry slut. Also that I was a cock sucker and his bitch. I couldn't contradict him, while his hard cock was in my mouth. Mistress agreed with him. I was then positioned on the bed, taking Robert in my mouth while Mistress entered me from behind. Then they switched positions. When they were finished I was sore, with an ass full of Robert's cum. Mistress told Robert that if he liked, I would call him "Daddy" whenever he told me to. When I asked her, Mistress told me she let Robert have the name because she decided that I should call her "Mommy." She then had Robert join her while she inspected me for any dripping. Finding a little, Robert told me to "take a shower, bitch." I had beeen trying to grow in the cage the whole time they used me. Mistress told Robert and I that Silver would be coming over soon and she had promised him privacy. Robert said I'd spend the night at his place. It was a command, not a suggestion. So the only reply that occured to me was, "Yes Daddy."
Robert (I suppose I should say "Daddy") told me to post the following photos of myself. One is of me in the 1 1/4" cage with the support belt, and the other is another showing a feminized version of me. Mistress enjoys seeing these photos.

 

Mistress surprised me the other morning by putting me back in the micro cage and a pair of pink panties. She said she wanted me to get comfortable with it because Robert was going to visit that evening and she wanted him to see me without a dick. She got the idea the other day when he called me "little girl". Mistress mentioned sending me on vacation by myself, probably to Florida. She said there would be a lot of temptation from bikini wearing women, so I would have to be locked in a cage with no way or reason to unlock. We came up with using a plastic lock on the CK small, thus avoiding any metal detector issues with TSA. This close scrutiny of my being locked is something new, a tighter security, or just an exercise of greater personal control. She is willing to let me go on vacation by myself but arranges that I am constantly aware that she owns me. Mistress loves that kind of irony.
Robert came over for dinner. Mistress made me wait on them, serving food and drinks. For this I had to wear a white dress shirt, a black bow tie, a pair of white, partially see through harem pants, and my usual steel collar and bracelet. Mistress asked Robert if he noticed anything missing. When he said no, Mistress ordered me to pull down my pants. Robert stared and said, "you took away his dick!" Robert reached out and felt where my cock should be. "Now that there is no dick to confuse things, she's more your "girl". So I stood between them while they groped me, not making a sound. I felt myself getting turned on by this attention, but tried to distract myself, knowing that an attempted erection would have the head of my cock press uncomfortably against the cage. Experience had taught me that while wearing this cage, erections are evil.
When dinner was over Mistress let me eat in the kitchen while she and Robert talked in the living room. Once finished I was summoned to join them, and told to strip and sit next to Robert on the couch. He and Mistress continued their conversation while Robert stroked my balls, and patted the cage. Mistress leaned over me and kissed me deeply, slowly squeezing my balls, to see how long it took me to groan. Later, Robert put an arm around me and moved my head to his lap. After I finished I sat up next to him. He held my hand. Mistress gave me a loving smile. The rest of the evening passed uneventfully and we finally said our goodbyes to Robert. Mistress soon unlocked me from the micro cage showing the compression marks and my now puffy cock lips. Once she locked me in the CK small cage I felt as though things were back to normal.

 

Yesterday morning, after breakfast, Mistress had me strip, then tied me to a chair and left the room. She returned a few minutes later wearing only an apron and a pair of purple nitrile gloves. She removed my cage and told me she wanted to see how long she could edge me before I begged her to let me cum. Sincere, desperate begging. The determination in her voice let me know she meant business. Mistress applied lube to my dick and her gloves. She started slowly, telling me that it amused her to see me getting hard while helpless. She would change how fast she stroked me, sometimes telling me how turned on as she was, sometimes telling me the things she had done, or would do, with Silver. Sometimes she would let go of me and just look down at my stiffness, smiling wickedly. There was always the understanding that I was just.her plaything, worthy only of ridicule. At one point the doorbell rang and Mistress put on a robe and left the room. She came back followed by her sister Callie, not one of my favorite people. Mistress took off her robe and resumed stroking me while Callie watched. Callie whispered to me, in great detail, all the things she and Mistress had done with each other as teenagers. I am certain she lied. And it continued. And continued. I'm ashamed to admit it, but eventually Mistress got her wish and had me begging, with tears of frustration. It was humiliating, especially with Callie watching and laughing. Here's the truly evil part: Mistress didn't stop, but continued edging me. Finally, without even a ruined orgasm, she put a cold pack between my legs and, when I had become flaccid, locked me back in the cage. They left me there for over an hour while they sat in the dining room and drank wine. Once Callie had gone home, Mistress untied me. She handed me her apron to wear, and told me to wash the dishes. It was a day for chores.

 

After yesterday's extended edging session, all I can think about today is how badly I want to have an orgasm. Mistress told me she wants me naked today. She has made a point of casually brushing her hand against my cage, enjoying how I flinch at the contact, sensitive to the slightest touch. I think she just wants to up my tension and frustration levels.
I was cleaning the living room floor a little while ago, (hands and knees today) when I heard a noise. I looked up and saw that Mistress was sitting in her easy chair, slacks open, zipper down, legs spread, her hand inside her panties, slowly masturbating, Iost in her private thoughts. I paused for a moment, watching her rub her clit, a look of contentment on her lovely face. I went back to cleaning, careful not to disturb her. Later I heard her make her soft orgasm noise. She opened her eyes, and looked at me. "Back to work, sweetheart." she said, smiling.
Later, wearing the purple nitrile gloves, Mistress let me out of my cage. Just as my hopes began to rise, Mistress told me that I was going to wear the CK Micro through Saturday. At least. Mistress then put me in the base ring. She waited a few minutes for me to get fully soft then put me in the Micro, carefully lining up my penis lips with the pee opening in the cage. As long as I don't get aroused, I should be ok, but the possible cjrculation problem concerns me. Mistress reassured me she would check it first thing in the morning. She said she wished there was a cage that left my crotch smooth rather than with a bump from the lock. She seems to really want to make me androgenous if not feminine. She then remarked that my panties should fit better "without that annoying penis getting in the way."

 

Sunday morning I asked Mistress if she would swap me out of the Micro cage (a day overdue). She asked me if I intended to use my "dinky" for anything, other than peeing, in the near future. I gave it a moment's thought, but had to say "no". She then said that she'd unlock me for a thorough cleaning. When she didn't make any move to do so, I realized she wasn't going to do it today. To be fair, Mistress didn't promise to let me out on Saturday, or Sunday either.
Mistress did unlock me today, but only to try using a plastic lock for future plane travel. The idea is that on arrival she would have the option of cutting off the plastic lock (safety scissors, please), and replace it with the regular Burg-Wachter lock. Have a thorough cleaning when necessary, and repeat the process when returning home. Personally, I think that the micro requires a thorough cleaning every day, so unlock for shower, extra attention to scrotum, then lock back up. Mistress said that sounds reasonable. Let"s face it, swampy balls are no fun. A concern of mine is having to use a scissors right next to my sack.

 

Here it is Monday morning and Mistress hasn't even hinted at when the micro cage is coming off. When I went in to shower, Mistress told me to "Wash it thoroughly". Peeing is the most uncomfortable part of a micro cage. It's damp and requires pulling the sack skin aside like curtains, from in front of the cage, for a clear shot, and careful wiping as the pee tends to pool in the folds of the skin. For the most part I have gotten used to wearing it. It's easy to move with it on, and as Mistress said, there is no caged dick bulge. If the pee issue wasn't a factor, I don't think I would miss my penis. That thought is subject to change. I think that if there was a cage that Mistress could buy that would hide balls as well as dick, leaving my crotch completely smooth, she would have me in it.
Robert stopped in a little while ago. Mistress had created a little ceremony. I vowed that I would obey Robert as my Master, the same as I do Mistress, and (here I had to kneel in front of him) asked him to please be my co-keyholder. Robert agreed to this new step in our relationship, and Mistress handed him the spare keys (for the Micro and the JB padlock. Mistress said that this was very romantic, just like a wedding. She said that now I had a husband as well as a wife, as chastity keys are more intimate than rings. It was only then that I realized that Mistress. and Robert had set this up ahead of time. Robert asked Mistress to excuse us, and took me into the spare bedroom, "for our honeymoon. sweet girl"
When we were finished and sitting at the dining table, Mistress said that I was a lucky bride. I can't help but ask myself if I love him or is that expected to come with time? Or does love enter the equation at all? At least Mistress isn't giving me away completely, discarding me. And still no mention of being taken out of the Micro.
Hooray! Mistress took me out of the micro and had me shower. She let the squeeze marks on the head of my dick calm down before putting me in the new (and unexpected) Cobra N+ cage. Mistress said it is my trousseau as a new bride. So far it feels very comfortable, wider in the head so as not to squeeze. I had to use a q-tip to push my dick fully into the cage. It is open enough to wash but closed enough not to permit manual stimulation. Fingers crossed. Robert remarked that I look good locked in a cage. Mistress said she only regretted not having locked me on our wedding night. Not quite sure how to react to that.
Photos are of the Micro under panties (very obvious ball bulge) and modeling the Cobra N+ for Mistress and Robert, my new Master/husband.

 

Robert has ordered me to use a plastic padlock and send him a photo of the lock tonight and again on Saturday at noon, proving it hasn't been removed during the week. Mistress has agreed that for a month Robert has complete control of my chastity. This seems to mean that I will be locked in the Cobra N+ for at least a week, but I'm guessing longer. It wasn't enough for Mistress that Robert was not only my boyfriend, lover, and Master, but now my unofficial husband and keyholder. I 've included tonight's photo.

 

It took Mistress about 3 1/2 hours to get me there ( that's a guess) and continued after that for maybe another hour. She would stop occasionally, and then resume, and obviously the session seemed endless. It was like a spy novel where the victim is tortured until his will is broken. Your description of Mistress, "clinical, controlled, and devious" and how I reacted, "well-used, desperate, inescapably dependant on the other" was completely accurate. That was four days ago, and thinking about it again makes me feel weak and ashamed. Using just her hands she had broken me and proved that she could do it again, anytime she pleased.

 

It's Tuesday, and here are some thoughts about the new Cobra N+,
Every so often there is a slight pinch, particularly when I bend over (So stop bending over. LOL). I think a little pinching is inevitable in a chastity cage, and it's not enough to set me screaming bloody murder. The cage is very light and otherwise comfortable, with absolutely no chance for illicit masturbation, unless you are a wizard with a cotton swab. There is no possibility of even a stray stroke, which means it serves it's purpose, and at a reasonable price. It is open enough to clean in the shower, without removal, Mistress has remarked that the look is "sexy". The option of a unique plastic lock makes locked plane travel doable. Mistress pointed out that the site promises that a pink version is coming.

 

I know that I never want to go through that again, to have my spirit crushed for another's pleasure. I used the word "crushed" because the experience left me crying and begging for release, something I didn't believe would happen when Mistress started. The night ended with Mistress laying next to me in bed, spooning me. We both slept soundly. I love her.

 

Robert phoned Mistress this morning. It was then explained to me that he wanted me back in the micro cage, because it is a unique look and reenforces that my dick is not only locked but also useless. Mistress told me she will remove the cage every morning for my shower, and then it will be replaced until the following morning. So I am back in the micro with a daily unlocking for cleaning.. Per his instructions, Mistress suggested I send him a feminized photo of me that he can frame and put on his night table. She said it would be a sweet gift, and thanks to technology no one would know that it is a version of me. I decided to send a few photos and let him choose which one he likes best.

 

She makes the rules. The rules we agreed on change according to her whim of the moment. One hard rule, so to speak, is that I am forbidden to have piv with her. She now has a lover for that. As a gift to me, she set me up to have a male lover, something I had never considered. She enjoys being the puppet master of my life, and I have come to trust and enjoy each new surprise she throws my way.
As far as what happened with the edging, I think I overstated my reaction, my feelings being pretty raw. I obey Mistress in all things, but finding myself begging for a release was a serious blow to my self image. It was, however, the result Mistress wanted. I now have a new appreciation of Mistress' strength and iron will. I've also learned that I'm not as strong as I thought I was, and that my total submission to her is natural and something to be grateful for. You mentioned "violation" and "thrall" . I suppose that being made to beg in desperation for sexual release and then have the edging continue is a form of violation which put me in slavery on a whole new level. In fairness, Mistress said she would make me beg for release, but never said she would stop when that was achieved. I had been edged and denied before, but never for such an extended duration, with the sole purpose of breaking me, stripping me of my pride, tearing me down until I was nothing but raw need and desperation. Mistress has shown me that she is superior to me using just one hand. I think the experience has made me worship her, as she deserves. To quote George Orwell out of context, "Slavery is freedom."

 

I appreciate your observations. Regarding Callie, yes you are right that having Callie see me being easily, casually dismantled, as well as participating in it, was awful, as it was no doubt meant to be. It was that extra twist of the knife. And yes, you nailed the distinction between being a slave to someone and being someone's slave. Mistress is very creative in arranging things. I'm not sure if she is some form of sadist, but I'm pretty sure she qualifies as a super villian. In any case, I feel more like her slave than ever. So considering everything, that degradation was something I needed. It was done out of love, and I love her even more for having taken me on that journey.

 

At Robert's request, over the phone, Mistress took off the micro for inspection. Apparently the constant pressing against the cage impedes the blood flow. We decided that to be safe Mistress put me into the Cobra, instead. Later, Robert came over for dinner. Mistress had me cook dinner, as she wanted me too impress Robert. I made us scallops, baked potatoes with cheese sauce and chives, and corn on the cob. Mistress told Robert that I am a good cook, as any wife should be. Mistress is an excellent cook and usually makes our dinner. Apparently my being Robert's ,"wife" is not going away. After dinner, Robert told me that he would let me out for a full cleaning on Independence Day. He said that if I was a good girl he would allow me to cum. He smiled when he said it, so there was no sting in it.
Mistress told me that she and Robert had decided that whenever Robert wants to stay overnight I will sleep with him in the spare room. "After all, you are his wife". I agreed that I am. Robert said that I should spend next weekend with him. I said that would be nice, that I'd like that. Robert wanted to see me in one of Mistress' skirts, and took pictures of me. He said he liked how I looked and told me I could share them. They are below. Robert liked the look and said he would buy a few for me to wear when I stayed with him. I hope he didn't mean I would wear them outside.

 

Thanks for the kind words. This journal is just therapy for me, trying to make sense of my life. Mistress has told me that she doesn't want to participate in it.