The Path I Walk

This is weird.

For the last two weeks I have not been feeling like myself.

I have been angry, pissed off, depressed, lonely and generally feeling unwanted and unloved.

I cannot focus or calm myself down and I am completely unable to re-center myself. I can't mediate, my mind was just in utter termoil.

I just want to rip things to shreds.

I have not done any Kenpo due to my broken toe.

I had just come home from work and realized that I had not worn my cage in about 2 weeks. (Vacation and life getting in the way) I figured I might as well put it back on for the evening.

I showed then put it on.

I noticed that my mind began to slow. My thoughts calmed and the negative emotions stopped and i began to get a feeling of peace again.

I call this state of mind a "Mental Enema". All the negative thought are flushed away.

But that only happens when I practice my Kenpo.

Not when I put on a Chasitiy Cage.

What the fuck is happening???



Iso.

 

Well, the more I thought about it the more I was convinced that the cage acted like a focal point. I had to focus to put the cage on correctly and not pinch anything. Just doing one task and one task alone. That was the pause my mind needed and everything fell back into place after that.

It was interesting though. It proved that I need more focal points in my life.

When I get too unfocused it causes me to lose my hold over my emotions. I become uncontrolled, unfocused, angry and I want to be violent toward everything that pisses me off. Before, I could easily tell my anger to sit down, have a cup of Coffee and be quiet. Now, I can't. I have been increasing my meditation but it is barely keeping a lid on it. When I get angry, I don't think, I just do.

I am becoming the Tiger.

Waring!
Incoming Martial Arts reference!
You were warned. Sorry...

Let me explain The Dragon/Tiger Legend:

The Tiger is strong and quick. He does not think, therefore he cannot act. The Tiger can only react and respond. He is strong and fearless but cannot initiate action. Only react to it.

The Dragon is strong and full of wisdom. He fears what his strength can do.
The Dragon always has a choice.

The Tiger never does.

One must find and learn the Dragon.

I am losing the Dragon and the Tiger is trying really hard to get out.

This is the worst of the damage that COVID did to me. It took away my ability to manage my emotions.

I used to be a really sweet guy. I do not like what I am becoming. I am becoming bitter, angry and quick to judge. I am reacting and not acting. I am now fighting my own mind to turn back to who I was. And I am losing....

Iso.

 

Missy,

You are correct.

I am being too hard on myself. I am often my own worst critic.

You are absolutely correct about the time I have not been spending with my Wife. I am lonely. I miss her. Our schedules are almost opposite of each other.

We are by ourselves in Texas. We moved from Chicago in order to provide a better life for our Child. We have no one down here.

I am happy we did it but the only consequence is that we have no family here.

She just started a new job so she does not have any days off. For me the summer rush is here and I cannot afford to take any days off. So here we are. Stuck for the time being doing what we are doing.

I have screwed up so much in our marriage. I ingnored her, never valued her opinion and we constantly fought and disagreed with each other. I had always put myself first without even knowing it. I began to fear I would lose her, yet not knowing/understanding what I was doing wrong. That's when I read an article about how Masterbating was cheating and then everything snapped into focus. I had been a selfish Dick our entire Marriage. I have waited my entire life for this amazing Woman and I was not treating Her like she deserved to be treated. She is my everything. I am trying to do the right things but I keep failing.

That's why I am so hard on myself, I have failed to live up to what a good Husband and Father should be for a long, long time. I am trying to making up for lost time. I cannot keep letting her down. She deserves better yet I seem to keep screwing up, keep failing.

Then COVID hit me.

Now my task is even harder.

Lately it seem that no matter what I do, it all falls apart. I am enraged with myself for failing Her.

I know She is not happy and I believe that She does love me. But she has slowly stopped showing me. I know She gets tired and needs to sleep. I do not want to bother her for intimacy, I want her to rest. She works so hard and I want her to feel rested and recharged for the next day.

But I feel so alone.

You are the only person I have told this too.

Thank you for listening.

Iso.

 

Thank you.

Iso.

 

Wow.

Where has the time gone?

I had to step back for a bit

I just needed to be. No thinking just experiencing life.

I have also come to grips with my new normal.

The damage from COVID is done, I am who I am now.

The person who entered the hospital is not the same one that left and I'm okay with that I think....

It's time for me to pick myself up off the mat, dust myself off say "all right then" and get back into the fight that is life.

I understand now that life is never going to stop hitting me and will continue to hit me...HARD. It's not how many times life knocks me down, it's how many times I get back up, set myself and get back into the fight.

Things that have changed since I've last put my thoughts to print. I have been caging myself when I'm not at work. I put it on when I get home and take it off when it's time to go to work. It's just a cheap metal Amazon device but it gets the job done. I'm hoping it will help modify more of my behaviors and more of my thinking.

I believe it's working, my aggressiveness seems to have faded and I seem to have a bit more control over my anger. I'm calmer with clarity of mind and of thought. It's weird, I used to have no problems with this before covid took it from me and now I need a device?

Strange.

As for the Chastity cage...I need more info. I am more sensitive now since wearing the cage and I am worried that this will affect my love making with my wife. I definitely don't want it to be any shorter than it is already. I would like to last longer, satisfy Her more. Not sure where to start on the problem.

Well the Coffee is ready.

I will journal more later.

Isopropylforyou.