Light at the End of Tunnel

Last night she handed me the key and said that we had a close call with this little key today and then she smiled. We went to bed and she made love to me and she seemed like she was the most comfortable she has been during Saturday night sex in a while. Then I made love to her and I tried to be a little slower and more romantic and sensual than normal. I caressed her breasts and kissed them and rubbed her mons and she had a wonderful fuzzy. I just held her very tight for a long time after she relaxed because I didn’t want the moment to end.

Eventually I rolled on my back and pulled her head on to my shoulder. She asked me, “Do you think she knows?” I had been thinking the same thing. I said I didn’t know but if she did she obviously understands and will keep our secret. Missy said, “she saw I was nervous and she helped me out. It was like she was saying it’s okay.” After another minute Missy asked, “Do you think they are part of the site?” I asked Missy if that would be a problem. She thought for a minute and then she said, “I guess not.”

She was so peaceful and fell asleep in just a few minutes. Missy has been all smiles today. Maybe yesterday’s ride was even better than it seemed.

 

This last week Hubby started to get a lot of orders. He went grocery shopping with me Saturday but then he had to work the rest of the day in the shop. He promised me we would take “Big Red” out through our back woods on Sunday which we did do after church.

Saturday afternoon I was getting a little bored and decided it would be a good time to call my mother. I ended up sorry I did that. She was very negative the whole time and berated Hubby for not staying an engineer so he could support me and we should be out there where we belong. If I didn’t have to work we could have children. When I finally hung up I was mentally exhausted and kind of down.

Hubby and I went out for supper when he finished up in the shop and we talked some and I told him about my conversation with mother. She has never liked him and he knows it so the feeling is somewhat mutual but he knows I love her and he would never say anything to hurt our relationship. He just said, “Maybe your mother was just having a bad day.”

When we went to bed Hubby just started to cuddle and hold me because this is my time of the month so it is a no sex Saturday. Usually I ask him to give me my fuzzy but I just asked him to make me melt. He caressed me and kissed me and told me he loved me and did all the right things but I couldn’t relax and then I started to cry a little. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I don’t know. He wouldn’t buy that and persisted. Finally I broke down and told him I was glad I had my period because I didn’t feel like I wanted to make love to him. Not the way we do it! I only want to make real love to him. I have promised him I would always want to make love to him on Saturday night and he would always make love to me the way I need it. I told him I feel so bad that I am glad I didn’t have to do it tonight. I’ve never felt that way before. At least not since our breakthrough.

Hubby just held me and said it is okay, it is probably his fault a little because he abandoned me for work today. And my conversation with mother got me down. He said those things happen. He said everyone has nights they just don’t feel the desire to make love. He said, “I know you love me and you don’t need to feel guilty if you don’t want to make love on any Saturday.”

He gave me the nicest kiss and said to put my head on his shoulder. Then he caressed my back so gently and held me tight with his other arm. After a few minutes I asked him if it would be alright if I wanted a fuzzy. He said he would love to give me my fuzzy. I rolled off him and he caressed my breasts and my abdomen and kissed me more passionately and soon I rolled up against him and he caressed my back and buttocks and then I pulled myself so tight against him and I had a wonderful fuzzy. After a few seconds I relaxed and said I need your shoulder now. He rolled on his back and pulled me on his shoulder. I said. “I love you more than I can ever show you.” I cried softly till I fell asleep but they were tears of love. I don’t know why Hubby loves me so much.

I am still a little frightened. What if it is more than what Hubby says. What if someday I really don’t want to have sex on Saturday nights. What if I can’t keep my promise.

 

Missy,

I love you so much for who and what you are, the most wonderful, loving woman I could ever imagine being with. It is not because we have sex on Saturday nights. That is just a bonus.

Remember why you wear “the key to my heart” around your neck. It is always your choice. If you do not want to make love to me on any Saturday night it is okay. I will always want to hold you and make love to you in that special way. I will feel your love when you melt in my arms even if we do not have sex that night.

Hubby

 

In my heart I understand and every time I try to make real love to Hubby, like on our anniversary, I start out and it is all about my love for him. At some point it turns to fear. This dread that if I like sex too much for the orgasm I will turn into some sort of whore that can’t control herself. When I have an orgasm now it is an exciting feeling physically and my mind suddenly overrules my heart and it tells me I am doing wrong, I’m going down that path that scares me so much. The path my sister chose and a woman I know at work has chosen. I have even looked at threads here on cuckolding to learn the motives of polyamorous women and many of them just seem to want sex with man after man to satisfy that sexual desire. My heart says I only want Hubby but my mind tells me I could be like any of them. Everywhere else in my life, at work, at play, or just being with Hubby or my friends I am the most rational person around. I’m probably even boring I am so normal. But when I get to the bedroom it is all about the fear.

Hubby thinks it is something ingrained in me since I was 6 years old and my sister got pregnant because she had to have sex all the time. He is probably right. He knows me better than I know myself. I want so much to share the passion with him and actually have sex because I love him and not because I have to, the way I do now on Saturday nights.

Sorry to have babbled on cshorts . I do appreciate your support and your thoughts. It has been this kind of encouragement that keeps me trying and believing that someday I will be able to be the woman he deserves. Thank you.

 

Having sex for the thrill of sex with men other than your husband may be perfectly alright for other women but it is very wrong for me. I believe in the sanctity of my marriage and would feel badly if I succumbed to that. Secondly and even more important, I know it would hurt Hubby deeply if I strayed.

I understand my fear is irrational but some part of my mind tells me that because of my DNA and the strong exciting feeling I get when I have an orgasm I may not be strong enough to control my lust. Knowing that other women such as my sister succumb to that lust just reinforces that fear. If that happened I would not be able to forgive myself for what it would do to Hubby.

 

I have heard of women having nymphomania which must be genetic in some way. As you may be aware, I am a strong believer. I also believe God has his own plan. He answers all prayers but not always the way we think we want or maybe not until we are ready for the answer. I know God will give me and Hubby the strength to deal with this but it is still difficult. PLEASE I BEG EVERYONE, DO NOT TURN THIS THREAD INTO A DISCUSSION OF RELIGION. If you want to debate God and his role, please start a separate thread for that. This is just between me and JustAnotherGuyHere. We share a similar belief.

I pray daily that I will be able to make love the way I should to Hubby. It seems God feels I am not ready to reach that goal. All I can do at this time is try to be the best person and the best wife I can be within my limits. It is very frustrating. Not just that I can’t enjoy sex the way I want but that I can’t show Hubby all the love he deserves and wants so much. I am just so confused right now. I really don’t know what is right and what is wrong. I know marital sex is good but it is supposed to be for the right reasons and that is where some of the conflict arises. Part of me says the pleasure is good and then my brain says it is wrong. God may be wanting me to figure this out for myself. I am one screwed up woman. I don’t know how I found a man who would put up with me the way that Hubby does. Maybe God knew I needed him and made him love me.

I know you have had me in your prayers in the past and I appreciate that more than you can imagine. The support from you and some others here gives me the strength to never give up. I am a great believer in signs and maybe my imaginary friends here like you are one of those signs.

 

Iso, Hubby made me come in and look at your reply. You are always so encouraging and positive. You always lift my spirits and remind me that we are moving forward. Thank you.

 

Nobody needs to read this. I am feeling sorry for myself right now and I just need a place to vent. It isn’t any kind of update. Hubby is getting very busy and had to work most of Saturday again. He did make time to take me to a movie after supper though and that was nice for a change. Sex was hard for me Saturday night. It just felt forced. I felt a little better after he gave me my fuzzy but this morning I felt bad about last night. I don’t know what is going on. I’m sure he noticed but he didn’t say anything about the sex being bad. He hasn’t had time to write his letter for this week yet. I haven’t written mine yet either. I don’t know what to say right now.

I love Hubby so much but sometimes I wonder if I even know what love is. Hubby has an unconditional love for me that I can’t return. Even when I know I have hurt him he just tries to make me feel better. He says I give him all the love he needs but I know he deserves so much more.

Hubby lost his mother to cancer when he was just starting puberty. She must have been an amazing woman the way he talks about her. She must have been the one who taught him to love unconditionally. I only knew his father for a short time before that drunk driver killed him but he accepted me from day one and was a very sweet and thoughtful man. He could have been bitter about losing his wife so young but he wasn’t, he just missed her. He obviously loved her a great deal and the short while I knew him he only talked about the good times they had. Hubby grew up with a love I never knew. He was so lucky. How can I say he was lucky when he lost both his parents so early.

I know my mother loves me but sometimes I feel like her love is hard. If I do something wrong I think she withholds it to make me get back in line. I know she has to protect me because of what happened with my sister and I know I have not lived up to her expectations of me. I wish she could see Hubby for the wonderful man he is. She would see how well he treats me. I wish she understood how much I love my job and how good I am at it.. I love daddy and I know he loves me but he has always kept me at arms’ length. I think that is because he did such a bad job with my sister and he doesn’t want to make the same mistakes with me. When we talk he never says goodbye. He always says, “I love you Honeybunch. Take good care of yourself.” It always sounds more sincere than when mother says I love you. My brother doesn’t seem to like me that much. I don’t think he approves of my life choices. I don’t even know my sister and never will. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to actually call her but I know I can’t.

I just wish my life had been so much different. I sometimes wish I had a different family when I grew up. One more like Hubby had. I wish I could be normal.

I know Hubby wishes I didn’t cry so much and I wish I didn’t either. I don’t know why I cry. Hubby says I am just so caring and I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Well for those of you that actually read this I can only say I warned you. (-: However, if you want to say a little prayer for me that someday I won’t be so messed up I would be grateful.

 

Missy was down in the dumps from the time we got up. I suspected it had something to do with last night because she was definitely uncomfortable during sex and even when I was finally able to give her her fuzzy she was still not herself. She wouldn’t talk about it at all after church and then she came in to the office for a long time. When she came out she went upstairs for a while. I think she might have been talking to her bear. I came in and saw what she wrote. Sex has been harder for her these last couple of times. I think we are going to have to figure out how to talk about where we go from here. Talking about sex is never easy for us.


I told her I read what she posted and that she may not know what love is but she shows me love a hundred ways every day. I told her love isn’t something you can define, it is something you feel and make your partner feel. That just made her weepy. I told her if she would like to talk to her sister I would sit with her while she called her. Missy said I can’t and broke into tears. “Mother would disown me and I know she would find out.” I said you can’t let your mother control your life. She didn’t say a word and she just glared at me. Her mother has always been a sore spot. I apologized. Finally I got bossy and told her to make some snacks and pack up some sodas and we are going to take “Big Red” to the trail and ride for a little while. She said that would be good.


While she got the snacks ready I got the ATV on the trailer and hooked it up to the pick-up. We got to the trail head and there was another young couple that had just gotten there. Missy knows I need her to break the ice with new people for me and she went over and started talking to the girl while we unloaded our machines. It turns out they had just gotten their ATV and this was their first time riding on a trail. They asked if they could ride with us and we could give them some pointers. We laughed and Missy told them this was only our second time but we would love if they rode with us. We took it easy and when we got to the spot where you could hike up to the overlook we asked them if they would want to do that. We climbed up and they thought it was great. When we got back down we shared our snacks with them and talked for quite a while. They are a really nice couple. I told him about the club that maintains it and how nice those people are. I think they might join. By now it was starting to get late and we decided to head back. Missy was definitely much more upbeat and was cheerful and talked about our new friends while we ate at the diner.


Tonight there won’t be the pressure for sex so I am hoping I can give her a real nice fuzzy or at least a real nice melt moment.

 

Iso, You might be a little bit right. My whole family is a mess. Maybe my sister just rebelled against my mother if mother was hard on her too. She just went the opposite direction from me? I really don’t know how mother treated her. I was so young when she got pregnant and had to leave the house.

I think daddy loved her because mother said he was always too easy on her. Daddy loved me and spent lots of time with me till I hit puberty. He won Bear for me at the local fair. After Puberty I don’t think he was allowed to do much with me because of what happened to my sister. That was when mother became a bigger part of my life.

I do love my mother and even though I have disappointed her I try not to make her think less of me. She does care about me and doesn’t want me to get hurt

I know I can’t blame my problems on anyone but myself. Not my sister, not my mother but sometimes I just feel sorry for myself and that is all that last post was. You can’t really read any more into than that.

 

Please do not criticize my mother. I know she seems hard on me sometimes but it is for my own good. She has loved me and cared about me and protected me from birth and wants me to be safe and happy. She wants what is best for me. I love my mother and blaming her is off limits. She says daddy is going to retire at the beginning of next year. Maybe they will be able to come east more and we will get to see them more often. She will see how much I love my job and how well Hubby is actually doing and how he treats me and then she may start to like him. She will see how happy I am.

About my sister. You make it sound so easy but it is not that simple. There are times I really want to call her and times I don’t want to even think about her. So many things could go wrong if I talk to her. I know Hubby will be there for me but it is still scary. I know you are right that she is always in the back of my mind and if I talk to her she could maybe answer a lot of questions or maybe just raise more questions. Hubby wants me to call her too. Someday I will get the strength to do it but I am not ready yet.

 

Jehanh. My heart knows that everything you say is true but my brain just keeps getting in the way. Oh If only doing was as easy as believing.


It is not my religion that tells me that having sex outside my marriage is wrong. I believe that marriage is a commitment to one person because you love them and sex is supposed to be the ultimate expression of that love. When the sex is good, the sensation, the feeling is overwhelming and everything in my brain seems to get distorted. I feel like it is about the sex and not the love. When I try to plan a romantic evening it starts out about the love but it always seems to turn to that desire for the orgasm and it feels like I have no control and I get frightened. As I have pointed out several times, I am really messed up. Thank God Hubby loves me anyway.