Light at the End of Tunnel

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by Hubby&Missy, Feb 18, 2021.

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  1. Isopropylforyou
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    Isopropylforyou Long term member

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    You got this Missy!

    It ok to be scared but do not let that stop you.

    I have a saying I always use when I get scared or I am afraid to do something,

    "What do we say to Fear?"
    "Not Today."

    Never let Fear stop you from doing anything.

    Iso.
     
  2. JustAnotherGuyHere
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    Genesis 1:31: "And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day."
    God created us perfect, the way he created us was "very good". God created the female body with a clitoris. This clitoris was not necessary for procreation, it was put by God just to the female body because he liked the woman having joy in sexual intercourse. Besides God made the orgasm bigger for the woman than for the man. So he did a second sign that he wanted the woman to have great orgasms. Sexuality is made as a gift from God, not just a tool to produce babies ... ;-)
     
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  3. JustAnotherGuyHere
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    @Hubby&Missy Please continue your good way and continue sharing us. We and our prayers are with you 2!
     
  4. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    First thank you for your prayers JustAnotherGuyHere. I really need all the prayers I can get right now.


    Dear Hubby,

    Sunday morning’s sex and how much I enjoyed it still frightens me. I think about it when I am not busy. I think it is because I have the same DNA as my sister. I know I am not supposed to like sex so much. You already know she got pregnant in high school but she had another baby a few years later. I think I was about 10 or 11 when my mother told me she had another baby and God knows who the father of this one was. She told me my sister is addicted to sex and apparently has it with anyone available. She said that happens to some girls when they let their cravings control them. Just like any other addict. I knew little about sex then and all I understood was my sister was doing something wrong. Mother apparently had left the discipline of my sister to daddy and he was so soft on her that he let her do anything she wanted. The way my mother understands about sexual desire I am sure she was faced with temptation herself but was apparently strong enough not to succumb. I know a married woman at work who satisfies her lust by having affairs. But for me that would be cheating and I would feel awful if I got to where I even wanted to do that. I know you would be destroyed if I wanted to do that. I hope I never want to have sex with anyone else.

    In one of your posts a couple weeks ago, you hit the nail on the head. You said my body craves sex but my brain hates it. That is what got me thinking about this. My brain knows I share my sister’s DNA and is protecting me from becoming her. When you are enjoying my body and we are having wonderful sex it feels so amazing, especially when you rub my nipples. If I have that orgasm it is about the high and I get very scared because of what I might become and the next day, or even sometimes that night I realize I could be on my way to addiction. The sex feels so good. I know it is wrong to like the sex so much and I try to tell myself it is making love to you that is so good but I know it is partly the orgasm.. I do not want to go back to just Saturday nights where I just give you what you need and then you make love to me in that special way and it makes it alright again. But right now that might be all I can do . It is so hard. I want the passion but I don’t want to be a whore. If my mother knew I am so much like my sister in my desire for that feeling she would disown me too.

    I want so much to be like other women who can make love to their husbands and enjoy orgasms. But how do I change what I am? It is not fair. More than ever I need you to make love to me in that special way every night. I need to know you love me but I don’t want to hurt you. Sometimes Saturday nights are difficult for me but I will still honor them because they are important to you but you know that is not what I want. I want to share the passion so badly. I want to find a way.

    I know this must be hard for you Hubby. I really want us to be able to make love but right now I don’t know how. I love you so much and I know I am hurting you. I know I am a mess but please don’t give up on me.

    Missy

    I said I wanted to write down everything I am feeling so we could talk but after writing it I know I can’t talk about this with you. So that is why I am posting this in the morning. You can read it while I am at work. Please do not make me talk about it. If you need to respond, please do it in our blog and I will read it when I am able.
     
  5. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    This is what scares me so much. With my genetics I might be but an opportunity away from infidelity if I start enjoying sex for the thrill instead of for showing my love to Hubby.
     
  6. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    Missy,

    I will never give up on us. You will never be alone in this marriage. I will love you forever. Whenever you need a hug or a shoulder, I will be here for you.

    Remember you are in charge in the bedroom. If you do not feel comfortable having sex on any Saturday night you just have to say so. I will always want to make love to you in that sensual, special way whether we have intercourse or not.

    You already know I enjoy my orgasms because they are an intense release. But that intensity lasts only a moment or two. The high from an orgasm is fleeting and short lived. The feeling I had when we made slow sensual love Saturday night was every bit as fulfilling as an orgasm. As I said that high was still there the next morning and it was still there a day later. There is no sexual fulfillment greater than knowing I have made the woman I love so much feel loved in both a physical and emotional way all at one time. Please, never be afraid to ask me not to have intercourse but I beg you, never take away my ability to love you in that special way.

    Hubby
     
  7. homebody
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    homebody In awe of GoddesofHomebody

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    Missy,

    If I may, I think you are giving too much power to genetics. Your DNA isn't your destiny. Your life experiences are much more important, and yours is much different from your sister's. Also, please remember that you probably share only half of your sisters DNA. You are your own person and deserve to feel all the love and happiness that life has to offer you in a loving marriage.

    Wishing you all the best.
     
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  8. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    homebody, I know what you say makes sense and I keep telling myself it is about the love. But the thrill when I have that amazing orgasm some how overpowers common sense. All I feel afterwards is fear and shame and a feeling I have done something wrong. The support from people like you and a few others here is what makes me keep hoping and trying. I no longer really like the settling we do on Saturday nights. It is like trading sex for having Hubby love me in my way but for now that is all I am strong enough to do. It is better than having nothing but what I really want is to share his passion as you and your Goddess do. I think that is what Hubby wants too.
     
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  9. lockedbySue
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    lockedbySue Active member

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    Just want to throw out to you two all my best. Y'all are communicating, best thing to work through this issue. Without a doubt your love and desire for each other on ALL levels is easy to see in your posts!
     
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  10. JustAnotherGuyHere
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    I think that fulfilling sexuality within the marriage is the protection against
    any wrong thought and feeling associated with infidelity. The genitals of man
    and woman are designed to merge in marriage. Just like you melt in your
    husband's arms. And then you are 1 flesh. This is the opposite of infidelity.
     
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  11. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    In my heart I know everything you say is true. If only believing were as easy as dreaming.

    It started out like that on our anniversary Saturday night. It was all about making love to Hubby and when he took me to that amazing fuzzy it was still all about love. When we began the foreplay for the actual sex it was still about love. As I got aroused it somehow changed and became about the desire and I panicked. I can’t explain why but suddenly it was all wrong. Sunday morning Hubby showed me how much he loves me even when I hurt him and he still wanted to hold me and then I wanted to make love to him for him, for us. It wasn’t about the orgasm. It was wonderful. I thought I was going to be alright on Sunday, that it was different this time, but by the time we went to bed I was feeling guilty like I had done wrong.

    What I know in my heart seems to always get overruled by my messed up mind.

    I thank you for your support and your thoughts and most of all for your prayers. These things make it possible for me not to give up hope that someday I can be the woman Hubby deserves and I want so much to be.
     
  12. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    Hubby,
    I read your response when I came home that night and I had no idea how to respond. Your love is unconditional. Even when I hurt you, you still love me and try to make feel good about myself. I will never take away your Saturday nights as that is the only way I have to show you how much I love you. I need you to always want to make me melt in your arms. It is what makes everything okay for me.

    Last night must have confused you.. I told you I loved you so much I didn’t want us to make love either way even though it was a Saturday. I was just kind of overwhelmed by the whole week starting with our anniversary. I had already given you the key and you had taken the cage off. You said you understood and it would be alright. You started to put the cage back on and I said, “no, I trust you. Just come to bed and let me lie on your shoulder and cry a little.” You held me so gently. Thank you.

    I think there was something else going on in my mind though. Today is mother’s day and I knew I would be calling her. It would be easier to talk to her if I felt like I had been good. I know mother loves me and only has my best interest at heart and is protecting me from what could happen to me. My call with mother went quite well. She didn’t say anything about you or my sister and only mentioned me not having children yet once.

    I am going to make love to you tonight since I didn’t last night. I owe you that much. But no orgasm for me please. I know I can’t handle it yet.
    Love, Missy
     
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  13. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    Her talk with her mother went well yesterday. She actually seemed happy afterwards.

    She gave me the key last night and we were going to make love. I fondled her breasts and touched her in sexual foreplay ways but she was very tense and couldn’t seem to relax. I stopped and just started to touch her in a more sensual way. Shortly she asked, a little upset actually, if I didn’t want to have sex with her. I said it wouldn’t be right tonight. You are doing this just for me. She said, “but I owe you this so much and I didn’t let you have your Saturday night” I told her I loved that she wanted to do this for me but that is not the right reason. I told her she does not owe me anything. I told her there will be Saturdays when she wants to make love to me for the right reasons. She said, “Thank you. I love you and I don’t deserve you.” I told her I loved her and she is the best thing that ever happened to me. I told her she shows me her love every day in everything she does, especially when she lets me hold her.

    I rolled her up in my arms and made love to her in that special way. After several minutes she finally melted in my arms very quietly. I pulled her onto my shoulder and she was asleep in no time. And so peaceful at last. There is something about making her melt, especially when she is troubled or tense, that is indescribable. It is supposed to be about her but it is also very much for me.
     
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  14. Isopropylforyou
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    Isopropylforyou Long term member

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    Missy this is a healing process.

    It is going to be a long road.

    You need to stop thinking like love is a barter system. He does this so I owe him that. He loves me and did XYZ for me this week so I have to make love to him.

    No you don't.

    Love is unconditional and pure. He loves you for you and not what you can do for him.

    You love him for who he is and not what he does for you.

    Their should not be a barter system in place. If you want to make love to him, by all means do it. If you do not then don't. Just enjoy each other company.

    Love should not be give and take.

    It is just give.

    I discovered this about myself a while ago, my thinking was "I cleaned the house so we need to make love as my payment." This is the wrong way to think. Now it's "I cleaned the house because it turned into an absolute shit hole." I do not want anything out of that except a clean house. I should not expect to get anything out of it either. Except a clean house.

    When both of us want to make love, we make love, if one of use does not, then we cuddle and just enjoy being together.

    You two have one of the strongest Marriages I have ever seen. You will get through this together.

    Iso.
     
  15. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    Iso, You just told her all the things I wish I knew how to say to her. I will make sure she reads this before I close it tonight. Thank you for coming up with the right analogy and the perfect words.
     
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  16. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    Iso as always you have such a good insight. Hubby tells me I don't owe him and he feels my love even though I am not able to return the unconditional love he shows me all the time and especially in the bedroom. I just wish I could return his love with something more than the words "I love you."
     
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  17. Isopropylforyou
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    Isopropylforyou Long term member

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    "I Love You" is all he wants to hear.

    It really is all he wants.

    Iso.
     
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  18. LockedbyFridayGirl
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    LockedbyFridayGirl Long term member

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    Well said Iso!
     
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  19. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    He tells me that all the time. He says just letting him hold me is enough. I believe him but it isn’t fair. He shows me so much love and makes me feel so good every night. All I give back to him is letting him make me feel good and 3 non-special orgasms a month and sometimes I can’t even do that. He deserves to have me make real love to him all the time.

    On the bright side though, I did arrange through a co-worker for us to take our first real ride on Big Red tomorrow with a few members of the club on the trail they maintain. Hubby is actually excited. He is a little nervous because it is his first real ride and it will be with strangers that know what they are doing. I assured him these people know he is a beginner and they will welcome him. He has a little trouble making new friends but these people will be easy to meet.

    It may not be in the bedroom but at least I can show Hubby how much I love him in some other ways.
     
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  20. Isopropylforyou
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    Isopropylforyou Long term member

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    Who said love is fair?

    Hubby is a truthful man. If he says all he wants is to hold you, believe him.

    He keeps repeating it. The more someone says something, the more truth is behind their words.

    I love it when I make my Wife happy. It makes me feel like I am doing my job as her husband.

    A Man's job is to take care of his loved ones. To Hubby that means holding you and making you feel safe.

    Orgasms are nice, making sure your loved ones are safe and taken care of is essential.

    Iso.
     
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  21. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    I know life isn't always fair Iso. But can you understand why I feel he does so much more for me in the bedroom than I can do for him? I really want to be the woman he deserves so much. I know he feels loved but I also know how good he felt when our love making was so good for both of us. Of course by the next morning the roller coaster ride was on the way down that first big scary drop.
     
  22. Isopropylforyou
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    Isopropylforyou Long term member

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    So it's like the Story, "The Gift of the Magi".

    If you have not read it, I recommend it.

    You need to explore why you are having a hard time accepting that you are enough for Hubby. That you do deserve him and he deserves you.

    Iso.
     
  23. Isopropylforyou
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    Isopropylforyou Long term member

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    I have been thinking about what you have been saying and then I had an idea.

    Hear me out and please read this together,

    You need to begin to associate the feeling you get when you melt in his arms as the same type of feeling as making love.

    When he holds you, you feel safe and surrender yourself and then melt. This needs to be true about making love.

    Yes I am talking about behavior modification.

    So try this:

    For the next few weeks get into a position that closely resembles him holding you when you melt (or be on top) have him inside of you, have him hold you and then be still.

    No thrusting.

    No movement.

    Be still.

    Just stay there being held.

    Treat it as if he his holding you so you can melt.

    It is the holding, the feeling of safety, the feeling of surrendering in his arms that you now want to associate with making love. You need your mind to associate that melting and making love are the same type of feeling.

    I am not advocating replacement of the original Melting, but to create Melting setting number 2.

    Making love should be about safety. Feeling safe with each other.

    Making love should be about surrendering. Surrendering yourselves to each other.

    Making love should be about joy. The joy of being. Being In the moment. Being together. The pure Joy of holding the one who means more than anything to you.

    Just an idea I had.

    If I have over stepped my bounds, I am sorry. It is not my intention but I think this might help.

    Iso.
     
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  24. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    Iso, You may be on to something. The thought of it turned me (Hubby) on and Missy said, "I don't know if I could do that." Then she said, "It would be special for both of us." Then she said, "I don't know." She is thinking about it.
     
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  25. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    Friday, Missy mentioned the ATV at work to some of her co-workers and it turns out one of them is a member of the local trail riders club. He and his wife and two other couples were going trail riding this Saturday and invited us along. Missy said yes without asking me. She normally doesn’t have that kind of confidence. I’m glad she is taking the lead a bit more and being more assertive. Anyway this group rides quite often and they make a day of it. They take picnic lunches and also do some hiking.

    Fortunately I could get the ATV on my work trailer and we met them at the trail head about 10:00 this morning. Missy had packed two small cold bags with sandwiches and pickles and cheese and she had a couple bottles of wine and some crackers and some fruit. When I saw how much stuff she had I found an old milk crate I had in the shed and fastened it to the back of the ATV to carry our “picnic lunches.” It actually worked really well.

    I am not normally comfortable with strangers in a social setting. I never know what to say and I get nervous and it shows. And on top of that I was taking out the ATV for the first real ride. We didn’t get to do much with it last weekend because of the continuing crappy weather. Only got to run it around in the back field a little last Sunday. These people were great. They introduced themselves and what they did and made me feel comfortable very quickly. I’m thinking Missy had something to do with that and warned her co-worker I am a little shy. The ride was only about 15 miles one way and they go fairly slow and stop often, either just to rest or to admire the scenery. We stopped to hike a short trail up a steep, rocky hill but the view from the top was definitely worth the climb. When we got back down one of the women said she could use a snack. Missy said, “I have cheese and crackers and wine for the girls. The boys are driving but we girls can imbibe.” Everybody laughed but we all had a little wine and cheese.

    Apparently, The key came out of Missy’s shirt during the hike and was now visible. While we were sitting there one woman asked what the key charm on her chain was for. Missy saw it was out and tucked it back in and then smooth as silk said, “Hubby gave me the key to his heart a few years ago. It was so romantic I still wear it but I keep it under my shirt because people would think it is hokie.” Her co-worker’s wife said it wasn’t hokie, it was sweet. Her husband asked me if it worked. Did I get sex for coming up with that one? The wife said to him, “If you did romantic stuff like that you would get a lot more.” Everybody laughed but Missy’s laugh was kind of forced and I could tell she was a little uncomfortable. There was an older couple, probably in their 50’s, and that woman said, “keep it out where all the women can see it. When they find out how truly romantic your husband is they will be jealous.” Then she said her Mike does lots of romantic things and it works for her. She and Mike both got cute smiles and she gave him a little peck. Then she said, “I can see how much you love each other and I bet he was just telling you he loves you like men are supposed to.” I nodded and said, “I tell her I love her for no reason at all.” I gave Missy a little kiss. Then Missy pulled the key back out and said to her co-worker, “ Hubby is going to have sex tonight. How about you?” Jeanie, his wife, stuck her hand out and wiggled it in that maybe yes maybe no motion and everyone howled. Missy was smiling again.

    We had a great picnic at a little glen near the end of the trail and eventually started back. Before we broke up I thanked them all for a great day and especially for some of the tips they gave to this beginner. I managed to make arrangements to join the club since it is the members of this club that maintain the trail even though it is public property and any one can use it.

    It was almost 5:00 when we finally got home and I hugged Missy and gave her a big kiss. She asked what that was for. I said, “It is just for you being you. I had a fantastic time and you were the one that made it happen.” She said it was a lot of fun and she was glad I liked it. She went in and ordered pizza for supper while I put “Big Red” away.
     
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