Waiting to see what I've gotten myself into

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by 2north, Dec 16, 2019.

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  1. hardbodysub
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    hardbodysub BrokeTheMold

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    Yeah, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
     
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  2. 2north
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    Entering Day 4 of the extended lockup. The first few days are usually easy, and this time was no exception. The pressure, however, is starting to seep back in slowly. And while I can handle not scratching this itch for now, I am concerned about how I will hold up after another 10, 20 or 28 days.

    Or possibly more..... She is out of town for work right now, and this is how we said good morning today:
    IMG_E0869.JPG


    Now, in fairness, I did set that up like a volleyball to be spiked, but it was still a little surprising. The whole subject of chastity and denial is on my mind more than hers, moreso with each passing day of denial - so she isn't as likely as I am to raise the subject unprompted. How serious she was about 40 days remains to be seen.

    When we talked last night, I let her know that I had come across her (really poor) hiding place for the emergency keys, and this distressed her. So we had to talk for a while about how to secure them with tamper-evident ties. It's difficult to get a read on her attitude here. While she doesn't devote a lot of conversational energy to the subject of my encagement, she does sit up and get serious when there might be a threat to its security. It seems significant to her. She had even confiscated her vibrator and taken it with her on the road - more to keep it away from me, rather than for herself. She knows it will work on a cage, and seems to be pretty motivated to keep me denied this month.

    As always, I have very mixed feelings about that.
     
  3. 2north
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    Day 9 now, 22 to go. Things are pretty challenging now - the frustration seems to kick up a level after about a week of denial, give or take.

    We were lying in bed yesterday and I was describing my situation:
    Me: "Each day that passes, the pressure builds some more, and that energy needs an outlet. And I'd rather use that energy to keep you happy, since it beats the alternative. Things just go better in general. So I don't want to be difficult or defiant - but the more I cater to you, the more you're going to be encouraged by this lockup. And I'm not sure I want to be doing that. I'm in a tight spot here."

    She chuckled a little. "Yeah, it's great for me though." She didn't try to suppress the wry grin.

    Me: "See, that grin, that's what worries me. Do you have an actual sadistic streak that you didn't tell me about?"

    "I guess I do. I'm not sure why, but I genuinely enjoy watching you suffer with all this."

    She sounded more sincere than I expected and it startled me. "WHY?!"

    "I mean, it's not like you're really suffering. Your dog didn't die. You didn't lose your job and go homeless. So I don't feel guilty about it. It's entertaining to me."

    So there was that.

    Later on, after dinner, we're talking and looking in the general direction of the dishes and sink. I'm standing next to her and she slides her hand down the back of my jeans, and starts, well, sliding a finger in. "You're going to clean all that up while I take a shower." "I....hmm. Well, I guess that's what I'm going to do then." She pulls her hand out and laughs a little. "Look at that, it's just like a puppet. I put my hand up your ass and decide what you do." Then she went and took her shower, while I cleaned it all up. The night ended with being released from the cage for some intense PIV - a couple of Os for her, including a finale with the vibrator while I was instructed to stay inside her but remain still. It ended when she physically pushed me off and warned me against climaxing. And grinned again.

    So, that's how things are going for me now.
     
  4. tvalex
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    tvalex Long term member

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    Well, it sounds like she is serious.
     
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  5. 2north
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    When I re-read it all written out, that's what it sounds like. OTOH, I don't really feel that day-to-day. There's a lot of context to our lives that is left out of these updates, usually because it's mundane and irrelevant. And the chastity/denial dynamic isn't involved, just hanging around quietly in the background.

    But the bigger part of it is, when she says and does these things, it's usually with a kind of playful or mischievous demeanor. So it's a little at odds with what she actually says, and I keep thinking she has my attitude - it's just trying something different that might be gone tomorrow if it stops being interesting.

    This may be a big mistake. Especially since I committed a...transgression a couple of weeks ago and she became legitimately angry. No acting. It worried me. And yet I find myself writing it off as a bad mood.

    I'm not real smart about these things, sometimes.
     
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  6. jvabox
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    jvabox jvabox

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    It's inspiring sounds like a great start, hope it continues for you it can sometime be a slow progression ... Thanks for sharing
     
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  7. 2north
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    #32 2north, Mar 5, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2020
    Day 12 of denial. By tomorrow night I'll have tied the longest stretch of my adult life without an O. In theory there are at least 19 more days to go, too. It's...challenging. Sex is on my mind a lot more, and my imagination is going in some more.....exotic directions, as the usual outlet(s) are all blocked off. It's an experience, and while it's not a particularly comfortable one, I do like the uncertainty of exploring uncharted territory.

    I've also been misbehaving. She has been out of town the last couple of days for work, and since she is really not good at securing the backup keys (they were literally in the first place one might think to look), I decided to let myself out of the Vice. So I've spent the last two days unconfined, which I suspect would not be received well. I justified this on the grounds that I would be able to keep to the honor system for just a couple days and not get myself off. I succeeded, but it was not easy, and there was a close call or two.

    What made the difference is that even though I am prone to bending or breaking rules, I won't lie to her. It's a line I haven't crossed yet, and don't intend to start now. If she were to ask whether I managed to have an O, and if I had, I would tell her. Since the odds of being asked are high, I managed to stay on the right side of the O line, so as not to have to confess something that would cause a shitstorm, like the one other time I broke that rule.

    But now, I have to wrestle with the philosophical issue of whether not voluntarily confessing the unlocking is a lie of omission. If she asks me point blank, I'll admit it. But I gotta say, spending a couple days without being confined was a nice little vacation. Just having some extra sensation back, and, well, being able to get hard, feels like a luxury at this point. One that I frankly don't feel guilt about enjoying. But I'm locked back up since her return is imminent. The crime may or may not be uncovered.

    She's said that I can expect an unlocking when she's back tonight. Remains to be seen whether her resolve will break down and an O will be involved - probably not, but we'll see. It also remains to be seen whether she will notice that everything down below is more cleaned and groomed than it should be, which was my unintentional self-sabotage. So who knows! The next update may be a lot darker. The evening could go a lot of different ways....
     
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  8. 2north
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    Alright, I am usually a pretty even-tempered person, to the point of stoic. But today my head is all over the place, across the board. It's a mental and emotional rollercoaster, which is not easy for me. I feel like I'm 16 again. One moment I'm at peace and feeling, well, kind of submissive and cooperative. The next, I'm resentful and rebellious.

    But the worst part is the moments when I'm feeling legitimate fear. Not abstract mental concern. Fear.

    I don't know where this is going and I am not in control of it. I've said it before here, but this is one of those times when it's not a thought, but a gut feeling. A reality, and not an idea.

    I'm in day 13 of denial now. By this evening, I will have matched the longest stretch of my adult life without an O. This is making my state of mind unstable enough to begin with. The chronic low-grade ache in my balls keeps me on edge too. Sometimes, this motivates me. Sometimes, it upsets me. It adds to the internal chaos either way.

    So she came back home from her work travel last night. We talked while she was driving, and at her request I picked up some food and wine, and started drawing a hot bath to be ready when she got home. She was clearly in a good mood and enjoying all of that, happy to be home.

    And then after she decided it was time to head to the bedroom, to my surprise and chagrin, she asked whether I had been out of the vice while she was gone. I did not expect this question. And I answered it truthfully ("Yes"), which prompted a cross-examination as to the details. When, why, how, etc.

    We had an exchange that seemed significant to me. This is as close as I can remember it:

    Me: "I let myself out because it was frustrating as hell, and I figured I could handle the honor system for 2 days. I thought you would ask me whether I got myself off, and since I won't lie about it, I didn't cross that line. It wasn't easy. But I didn't feel remorse about just letting myself out, since there wasn't an orgasm involved."

    Her: "But you didn't keep your hands off."

    ".....No."

    "And you thought that was alright because you didn't come."

    "Basically, yes."

    "So, in your mind, it would be OK for you to hook up with another woman behind my back and fool around with her however you wanted, as long as she didn't make you come? Because that's how I feel about this. It's supposed to be my decision now, how your dick is used. And that's not what I wanted. And I think you knew that."

    -------

    That was not a conversation that would have happened a few months ago. And while she has a naturally upbeat demeanor - which she kept throughout this talk - the words themselves were not playful. She wasn't acting or roleplaying. I could feel it. I don't know exactly how deep these roots are growing, but they are there. And I keep turning a blind eye to the fact that this shit is sinking in to her, for real. I just don't exactly how much, and today I feel like I've been underestimating it to a degree that is dangerous.

    Now, the rest of the story is that even after the talk, she decided she still wanted her own Os, so...she took what she wanted. She had multiple, and denied me, before drifting off to sleep.

    Today, she has been firmer than usual about boundaries. No teasing or fooling around in the morning. Back in the Vice. "You're going to be under my thumb the whole weekend" was, I believe, the last thing I heard before leaving the house.

    A few weeks ago I had guaranteed her 2 months of going along with her chastity/lifestyle wishes. That's supposed to be up on April 10. After which point, I consider my promise satisfied and it's my discretion to pull the plug. But now, I am realizing it won't be that clean and simple. When that day arrives, she isn't going to want to stop. And I genuinely do not know what the conversation will be like if I say I've had enough and don't want to continue.

    And if she decides that she won't accept "no"....I know she has the leverage to turn that into a "yes." I am no longer confident she won't use that leverage. I am starting to dread April 10.
     
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  9. 2north
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    Oh yeah. This also happened, before the cross-examination about unlocking myself. It happened during our dinner. Paraphrasing:

    Her: "I'm getting a little concerned about your health and your prostate if you're that backed up. I need a way for you to ejaculate without resetting the clock. How would that work?"

    Me: "Well, there a couple of ways that can happen I guess."

    "Tell me what you know about it."

    ...this turned into an anatomy lesson, with me Googling diagrams of the male reproductive system, and explaining to her what I knew about ruined orgasms and prostate milking. She had me google those and read about them to her. At one point she laughed and said "You know, even a year ago I would never believe I'd be telling you over dinner to Google "is prostate milking unhealthy." So...what does google say about it?"

    Just remembering this now, ugh.
     
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  10. 2north
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    2north Active member

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    Well, I'm calmer and back down to Earth today. Her goal of a full month of denial has fallen short, after 15 days.

    She tried to give me a ruined orgasm last night....but since she hadn't done this before, the "ruined" part didn't happen.

    She's a bit grumpy about it.
    I'm not complaining :D
     
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  11. 2north
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    2north Active member

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    Well, let's dust off this thread. Although most of what was posted before this has been made obsolete with the events of the last year and the disruptions to our lives. But a few weeks ago she decided that she wanted to wear the key again.


    ...and since that time, the amount of sex that I've been having has gone way, way up. The amount of orgasms that I've been having, however, has gone way, way down.

    I have very mixed feelings about this.
     
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  12. cody halter
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    So, 2, welcome back! :)
    Time to fill in.
    What happened on Apr 10 then?

    You know i have to say that if i had done what you did on Mar 5, i would have been severely punished. Its a great thing that you were honest, Master would have mitigated it a bit for that perhaps, but the transgression itself would have overshadowed everything. :(
    Just breaking out would have cost me dearly in shame.

    He was a Master of punishment's as well as of myself.
    Punishment does not necessarily mean physical pain in His HowToOwnaPony book.
    At can take the form of denial, or of forced acceptance, or of humiliation, and pain could be in there too if necessary.
    Denial for instance would mean that i was banished from His presence for a long period of time. Not talking or seeing or hearing or smelling or touching or anything. Isolated in the guest room only to come out during specific hours to do the house cleaning and chores list and then return.
    A tool you take out, use, and put away again out of sight out of mind.
    Being apart from Him was a pain i could hardly bare.

    Forced acceptance once involved being rented out to another Master and His boy as their pet / houseboy for a week. i HATED that. They were given free rein to do what they wanted within limits. As it turned out what they wanted was basically a yard slave in a bikini so they cold fuck around all day in front of me. i looked so stupid mowing and trimming in that stupid damned day glo orange thing. Got covered in scratches by the end too. So there was pain involved of a sort. And humiliation.

    For my case, you seem to have gotten off easy from Mistress.
    OR, was there more to it than documented? o_O
     
  13. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    Welcome back. Hope you'll share what's happened over the last year and what brought her and you back.
     
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  14. 2north
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    A combination of things, really - but they don't make for the most interesting story. In a nutshell, we took our first vacation in over a year, and because of our lodging situation, I was physically close to her almost 24/7. This meant no masturbation, combined with the usual uptick in intimacy from a good vacation.

    Which in turn meant she was getting more of my attention and energy, and in a positive way. She noticed this - hard not to, really - and so she made an offhand comment about putting me back under the key. I've always been on the fence about it, but the reality was, even the short-term denial added some really good sexual energy.

    So she made an offhand remark about going back into lockup, and I found myself admitting that there were upsides to denial. She asked whether I really preferred the freedom of unlimited orgasms - mostly from myself. I knew how'd she take either answer, and I still told her that the frustration was, well, frustrating - but that on balance, it felt better to be amped up a bit and waiting, then constantly in a refractory period. That was the truth, even if I was reluctant to admit it.

    So, the day after we got back home, she proposed wearing the key again. She sweetened the offer by including daily teasing. So I agreed, and here we are...

    I couldn't even remember what happened, that was March 5 from last year! Re-reading it now is weird - I barely remember it. But with hindsight, it's pretty clear I was being a real brat, and making the process more difficult for her than it needed to be. She was getting worn down from having me resisting and rebelling constantly.

    It goes against my instincts, but I'm trying to be more cooperative this time around. And she says I am - and that she's happy about it. I know I may be digging myself a grave here, but again - I can't deny that overall, things have been pretty good the entire time that lockdown has re-started. Apart from crawling the walls with physical frustration, ofc :D

    You seem to have a lot of interesting stories, from a very different situation than I'm in, but I appreciate that you took the time to share your thoughts and experience. It's really interesting to hear how the things we have in common - starting with chastity - get expressed in such different ways and contexts. Thank you for sharing, and please feel free to keep writing!
     
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  15. 2north
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    WELL, it has now been 16 days without an orgasm. This is our new record, and the longest I have gone without, in my adult life. Uncharted waters from this point.

    Doesn't help that she is going out of town for a few days, and I found myself kind of begging to be left out while she was gone - that it's a convenient time to reset the clock and start over once she gets back.

    She wasn't having any of it, and here I am in the Vice for a few days. She still seems intent on re-writing the record books with this denial period. I made a post about this in the "hot things your KH has said" thread, but will repeat it here - a few days ago we were in bed, after the nightly play. As usual, she came a few times, I did not.

    She asked me how long it had been for me.

    I told her 13 days.

    She asked me what our record had been, for the longest time denied.

    I told her 15 days.

    She said something like "Look at that, you're about to break your own record!"

    The way she delivered it gave me some pause. "That record is gonna be steamrolled, isn't it?"

    She laughed and said it definitely was, for sure.

    Then she paused a little and told me: "Brace yourself."

    That caused an instant reaction - blood got colder, I got that elevator feeling in my stomach....and started to get turned on.

    She later clarified that I needed "a month - I mean, at least a month."
    I think she means it. Guess I'll be finding out...
     
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  16. tvalex
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    tvalex Long term member

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    Showing you she means business from the start. That's the way to regain control. :+1:
     
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  17. Chaste J.
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    Chaste J. Long term member

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    Go on! Admit it! You are loving every moment! Enjoy!:)
     
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  18. 2north
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    Hah, "love" is a very strong word, my friend! It's an interesting experience though, that's for sure.

    I have to admit that the tension and frustrated build-up cuts both ways. Drives me crazy sometimes, but being amped up and motivated has an upside for sure. But damn, do I miss the big O. This is the conscious choice I'm making though - if I need to put a stop to everything, I can...but it's hard to deny that collectively, we seem to be better off than when I'm free-range. And it is a turn-on when she asserts herself, so there's that too.

    ...but I wish I wasn't the one paying just about 100% of the tab for all the upside. Oof!
     
  19. cody halter
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    BUT!
    Glass half full!

    You are already more than half the way to a month!
    GO true North!
    So, 16 days, that's like April 19th?

    Guess what bro! We are twined!
    i had my 2nd covid shot on 4-16 sans cage, waited to see if i collapsed like the first one did, and on Monday the 19th, i locked Twinkie and the Kids up short and tight as a drum again! Hey?
    So lets travel this together!
    You stay locked, i stay locked. Waddaya say?
    We can grouse and whine together if you like (do you like cheese with that whine?),
    but just keep on putting pants on one leg at a time (right or left hung? Im right....)
    You Gotta Keep the Customer Satisfied bitch boy, and with Her inventive mind, i grin to think of what She might cum er... come up with if you dont. :)

    i am completely green with envy.:D
    but not that different apart from the fact that im gay and was slave ponyboy to Master and you are straight slave to Mistress.
    im jealous because She is there with you, to Be in Control. And He no longer is.
    Take it and Make it the best time of your life cum what may, or not as She chooses.

    Happily i have never had to say, Damn I Wish I Had or Hadnt... Whatever.
    Regrets should not be possible in what we are doing.

    Love and support to you!
     
  20. 2north
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    Heh, that's a funny coincidence. I guess we'll be moving ahead together whether we like it or not - but how far I get isn't my call at this point! But you know that. Curious to see who gets to the finish line first though - I have no idea if she's going to change her mind and cut things short before a month is up...or if she's just going to let it run long. She was more predictable the first time around. Now? I have no idea if a month will even be halfway there...

    Trying not to whine too much about it though, I'm finding that it's easier to not struggle and resist, and just lean into it instead. But that could just be Stockholm Syndrome ;)


    Well, most of the time anyway. lol

    Now this is up in the air too - what exactly my status is, isn't clear - other than she's in charge of access to my cock. She's not used to being dominant, and I'm not too used to being submissive, but since she holds the key she naturally has a ton of leverage - and she wields it a little more often, and a little more confidently, as time goes on. I can see the direction that points - how far down the road she goes is mostly up to her. I'm along for the ride...but I'm agreeable if I can keep a lid on the rebellious instincts.

    Well thanks - same to you!
     
  21. 2north
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    It's now been 21 days since my last O, which is 6 more than we've gone before. I honestly thought she was going to end the streak last night, but it didn't happen. So today has been off to a challenging start as I'm feeling a lot of denial frustration.

    When she started wearing the key again 3 weeks ago, she decided to couple that with daily teasing. It's not every night - sometimes she's been out of town, or not feeling great, etc. - but most nights there's some intimacy. More often than not, there's an unlock and PIV sex - but I'm not supposed to cum, and if she thinks I'm being reckless and getting too close, she'll put the brakes on..for me, anyway.

    Now, when she first wanted to try chastity for me last year, she was prone to getting caught up in the moment, and would OK a climax for me when we were both getting close. And that's what I thought was going to happen last night. After a few days of denial, apparently I get harder during sex - and she likes this a lot. We were both enjoying this last night, and she was feeding off of my borderline desperate energy. She had a couple of smaller Os, and as a much bigger one was coming on, I was certain she'd have me cum. But instead, she stood her ground and cut me off after the big O landed for her.

    So that's when I got reintroduced to that little drop of genuine anxiety again. After 3 weeks, she is getting more settled into her role again. And she is genuinely enjoying the situation - and why shouldn't she? AFAIK, there's basically no downside for her. She's getting a ton more attention and good energy from me, not to mention a whole lot more in the orgasm department. So once again, she is starting to get used to the position she's in, and in little ways taking the reins more assertively.

    I am not going to try to sabotage anything or put the brakes on, though. The frustration is rough at times, but I can't deny the sex is more intense - and I do genuinely get pleasure from her having pleasure. So I'm just going to roll with it and see where things go.

    I sure am ready for an O now though. But after last night, I'm not so confident it'll be happening in the next couple of days. I guess we'll see. I wouldn't be shocked if it happened tonight, and I wouldn't be shocked if it took until the end of June. Oof.
     
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  22. 2north
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    2north Active member

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    Forgot to add:

    One of the biggest adjustments over the last 3 weeks has been that when the sex ends...she starts drifting off to sleep right away, and I'm keyed up and aching for more. This happens most nights, and still takes me by surprise.

    She thinks this is funny, apparently. "Now you know what it feels like" is something I've heard more than once - usually before I get up out of bed, because no way am I falling asleep in that condition.
     
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  23. 2north
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    2north Active member

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    Up to Day 23 now - reaching a kind of equilibrium where I'm in a chronic state of keyed up and, well, horny. It's just a matter of whether it's simmering in the background, or in the forefront and occupying all of my attention. There are definite circadian cycles throughout the day - mornings and evenings tend to be the worst. Late mornings and mid-afternoons are usually the calmest times.

    ANYWAY - the "rules" of the keyholding have been kind of up in the air since we re-started. It's something she wanted, but we didn't talk about the expectations or the scope very much. So, sometimes it feels like a game or experiment, and other times less so.

    As a result, I've wanted to add some certainty to the situation - and, because I'm kind of reckless and enjoy the thrill, to raise the stakes a bit.

    So after some discussion, I made a promise that I will defer to and cooperate with her keyholding authority for no less than about 400 days - through the first half of 2022. There will be a safe word just in case, but that's the nuclear option. Otherwise, she's going to control access for a while - at her discretion. Whether that means losing interest and putting the keys away in a month, or going full sadistic and extended denial.

    I suspect the reality will be somewhere in between. But it will be interesting to find out. She knows I'm good to my word, so when I promise her at least 400 days of control, she's going to get it. My goal is simply to see what she does with that. Maybe I'll regret it...but it could just as easily be a positive experience that goes in unpredictable directions.

    I guess we'll see!
     
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  24. cody halter
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    cody halter Active member

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    i sense that you are in a Counting cycle. you remain O-Centric as it were. i dont believe you will find comfort or peace if you remain in that space. Our bodies will relieve themselves automatically of overloaded semen, when the time is right. It will not be with fireworks, but it will be with relief and a feeling of peace.
    Stop counting the days.
    Do not focus on abstention and loss. Find success and gratification in their place.
     
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  25. 2north
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    2north Active member

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    This is probably good advice, but at this stage it's easier said than done - and I know myself well enough that this is just how I'm going to be looking at things.....for now.

    I made a promise to commit to this power exchange for a long while (for us, anyway), and I'm content to let the process unfold naturally. You're right about where I'm at mentally now. But I figure that if letting go and leaning into the positive aspects will give me some more peace and contentment in the long run, I'll get to that point before long. There's no rush, I'm stuck for a while!
     
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