Return to being dominant?

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Guest 1824, Apr 1, 2021.

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  1. Guest 1824
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    Guest 1824 Member

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    Hi everyone. I became a member here a few years ago but have never introduced myself until recently.
    I originally came here at my husband's suggestion, to understand what this particular kink is all about. I was satisfied that I'd learned from the comments posted here what I needed to know without my asking any questions, so I felt there was no reason to come back until now.
    I am normally the one who made the important decisions in our lives as he has always been slightly submissive to me so we gave it a go and I became more dominant, including for the physical side of our marriage which I enjoyed. He said he felt more secure in himself when he let me be dominant. I was already dealing with all other aspects ie fiances, decisions, holiday etc, the list goes on. I was apprehensive but I agreed. The denial of sex side I thought strange but we gave it a go. We tried that for a few years and both enjoyed what we were doing. I've never agreed to him wearing a device as I don't like the look of them. For me they look too unnatural. Nevertheless what we were doing seemed to work. Tbh I'm still not sure whether I fully understand what the attraction is to being kept horny all the time.
    It lasted for a few years but we had a crisis in our lives and the dominant thing just kind of went on the back burner. In the meantime our moments of intimacy became less and less until now where we've reached a point where we almost never have sex. In fact, never is the operative word! We are slowly recovering from the family crisis so I guess that's what gave him the courage to recently question me as to whether we could start again and go back to the way things were. I'm tempted but I'm hesitant to make a definite decision. I feel I'm ready to start again but I'm not sure how it would work for the following reasons.
    I love my husband dearly. We have been together for 38 years so I couldn't imagine life without him. We are in our twilight years and now sleep in separate beds (at my insistance) because we are both noisy sleepers, so, like I said, steadily our physical lives have dwindled down to practically nothing but he seems OK with that. To be honest, I prefer it this way. I have little or no interest in being penetrated now and I'm ok with a little quiet time on my own which takes me little effort. I guess I have no interest in penetration although I still love the cuddles.
    He has recently asked me whether we will ever have sex again and to be honest I didn't know what to reply. My perfect scenario would be for him to obey me like old times, to give me foot massages and cuddles when I want but when I'm finished with his services, for him to go back to his bed and go to sleep. Before, whenever I let him have sex, his enthusiasm disappearedand he became his old moody self. I don't want to say that he will never enter me again because the consequences might be disastrous but that's how I feel. At the same time I don't want to give him false hope, but on the other hand it seems to be what he wants too. In a nutshell, I'm confused. It's a conundrum. He would agree with me when I say it's my choice as I would be the boss, but for him to be ok without the possibility of never having sex again? And would he still be submissive to me if he knew?
    So, I guess I'm here for advice.
    From reading the posts on here it seems to be many men's fantasy to never have sex with their partner again but is it just that, a fantasy? I still struggle to understand it.
    Should I go along with him, pull rank and say he will never have sex with me again, or should I just keep saying maybe yes, maybe no? My preference is no but to keep our relationship happy I think that's a dangerous game.
    I've probably opened myself up for some strong opinions but I'd be grateful for your thoughts please.

    P x
     
  2. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    You have to do the hardest thing in the world. You have to sit down quietly when neither of you are stressed and have a frank and HONEST talk. He has to decide and tell you what he can live with regarding sex and you have to tell him what you would be comfortable with. Marriage is often about compromise and you have to find where your paths cross. That only comes with open and honest communication. Nobody here can tell you the answer you are looking for. Only you two can figure it out.
     
  3. Dead in the water
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    Dead in the water Long term member

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    I also love my wife very much and if she was not into piv for what ever reason and still loved me as much as I love her I would be disappointed but I would want her to be happy. Would you be into the fondling and teasing aspect to keep things spiced up. And instead of intercourse would you be into mutual masturbation or let him stimulate himself for you. You have to use your imagination. If you made it through your crisis you can make through this.
     
  4. Headtrip
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    Headtrip Long term member

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    If it worked before it should work again, and if you are the boss you decide if and when.

    I dont think you should guarantee "never" because who knows what the future holds. That fraction of a percent of hope might be all the spark his love flame needs to burn bright. And as others have said the reward doesnt need to be PIV.

    I couldnt do this without a device so not sure how that works, but again, if it worked before...
     
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  5. MrsBR_Saiph
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    MrsBR_Saiph Hotwife & Keyholder
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    Communicate much and often and then communicate some more. I have heard much and read much on this site about a variety of ways couples play with chastity. I do have to say that an underlying thread that ties many views together is that if happiness is a goal being locked and forgotten will never achieve that happiness. I believe men need a light at the end of the tunnel. In life we need hope and something to look forward to. If there is no light we wither and die. If you love this man the way you say you do find a way to meet his physical needs we all have them. You enjoy cuddling great start there and try and build from that. Chastity is a hot fantasy but mostly because the allure of the key dangling around your neck and the potential of release is always there. Sometimes when we give a gift we earn a much greater reward.
    Best wishes ❤️
     
  6. Guest 3729
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    Guest 3729 Long term member

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    Growing up male, especially the puberty and high school years it’s unfortunately implanted in most of our male brains that penetrative sex is the end all be all of sex and it becomes our ultimate goal. I think for the first 10 years of our relationship since my wife and I met, almost all of the sexual encounters between my wife and I ended with penetrative sex. That’s just kind of what I expected to be the norm. There were times when she wanted me to be done and thinking back on it seemed like she was just going through the motions so I could ultimately have what I wanted which was to be inside her and then have my O. After our 9th year together we decided to have a child. When she gave birth it was very traumatic and caused her a lot of pain. We didn’t have penetrative sex for at least a year after our child was born and even after I had to be very gentle for quite some time. I could live without PIV sex although my masturbating was becoming more often than it even was before. What ended up happening was that my porn watching and masturbation was making me drift emotionally and physically from my wife.

    I just happened to come across chastity when I was looking at porn and was very intrigued by it. I did some more research and found good information in terms of what a FLR and chastity relationship is truly about. I learned that a good part of couples chastity/orgasm denial was more about having a stronger connection with your partner. The constant horny frustration of being locked for periods of time kept me focused on my wife and wanting her anyway she would have me. In many ways it brought back a lot of the emotions and feelings I felt about her back when we started dating. Chastity helped remind us both what was special about our relationship to begin with.

    As we started experimenting more sexually my wife would deny allowing me to enter her for longer and longer periods. There was one point when she didn’t allow me any PIV sex for 3 months, yet we had great sex. It just wouldn’t involve my penis, and when it did she likes to get me off via handjob. In fact that’s one of her favorite ways to pleasure me because of the power she feels from taking control of that part of me. Did I miss the PIV sex? Sure I did, but not as much as you might think. I find the other things we were doing to be very exciting which never left me feeling deprived of satisfaction when she allowed us playtime.

    I would say if penetrative sex is no longer pleasurable or desirable for you then you shouldn’t just do it to make him happy. You should be honest with him and tell him that you don’t find it pleasurable. That you decided you don’t want him inside you again and for him not to ask. Even if you’re unsure what you want in regards to penetration, you’ve set the expectation that that’s how life is going to be for him.

    Where you are worried this might be disastrous for your relationship you could really turn this into a positive and to your advantage. He’s craving dominance from you and to be told what you want. If you resume your domme role with him and give him the mental satisfaction of your dominance he will follow you and be happy. I’m not sure how you feel about this but since it sounds like the penetrative part is the most unappealing for you perhaps you could have him pleasure you orally or with his fingers or a vibrating wand etc... I think if you show him you’re still sexually interested in him just not the entering your body part he’d probably be very understanding and just happy you still want him to pleasure you.

    To take it a step further, allow him to buy a chastity cage and wear it. It’s truly a thrill when a part of your body is locked up and only your dominant partner can allow you out. My wife hated the first cage we bought, it was made of black plastic and ugly. She didn’t even want to look at me down there when my clothes were off but she liked what the cage did to me mentally. Several months later I bought a stainless steel cage and she completely changed her opinion. She went from hating the look of the chunky black plastic cage to loving the sleek high polished look of the stainless steel cage. It became jewelry in her eyes. Ive since graduated to a full steel belt, I was worried she’d be apprehensive about the look but it turns out she not only loves the look but the real control she has with me in a full belt. Maybe take another look at the cages with him and see if maybe there’s one that might appeal to you more. If you take more of an interest in chastity and show him you are committed to and wanting to be his domme he’s going to be putty in your hands. So long story short, take his fantasy of no more penetrative sex and use it to your advantage. You don’t want it anymore and he’s willing to entertain the fantasy of not getting it anymore and as weird as that is, that concept is a turn on for us.
     
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  7. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    Intimacy is the glue that hold people together and penetration isn’t necessary for intimacy, especially if he is submissive and likes being caged. Set one night a week (or whatever) to play around. Let him do all the things you enjoy that don’t include penetration. When you have had your fill allow him to finish himself off while he’s going down on you.

    You will be amazed at how fulfilling this will be for him and he will be totally smitten and under your control. You could probably even taunt him that paradise is so close yet so far away and that he will be lucky if he ever feels the inside with his penis again.

    Plan it out and set aside a consistent time when you are both likely to not be to tired or stressed and build up to it with flirting, hints, etc as a form of foreplay.

    Believe me, there is a world of difference between solo masturbation and masturbation with the intimacy of a partner.
     
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  8. true42
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    true42 Owned member

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    You're in a tough spot.

    But you're also in a wonderful spot! You share your life with the love of your life, and he shares his with the love of his life -- you!

    So maybe have some fun with the one person in the world who knows you the best. Let him know you're not certain about what your body will want, but that you're willing to play your game. Not his game, but your game. See if he's up for that game, which you haven't made the rules up for yet.

    Obviously, you don't know what is around the next corner. But who better to explore with than him? Best of luck, and best of love.
     
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  9. true42
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    true42 Owned member

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    Wisdom is strong with this one.
     
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  10. jehuty
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    jehuty submissive sissy

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    How different relationships develop in pairs ... I dream that one day my wife will say that this is the last time we will have PIV.

    In fact, i don't see any problem at all with you and your husband. Does he ask you to become a dominant?

    Excellent! Draw up a relationship agreement that clearly states that your husband will obey any order you without delay and without question.

    Before signing, start masturbating his cock, but it won't bring him to orgasm. In the process, while you are doing this with him, discuss the details of the contract with him, in between times insert a phrase there that you will take your duties as Mistress and keyholder very seriously. That after signing the contract, you will allow him to cum, but chances are high that this will be the last full orgasm in his life. And perhaps, if it is your will, you decide to lock it permanently. Then lock him up in chastity. As you continue to tease his cock, ask how badly he wants to be locked up. Make you plead for the privilege of being locked up in chastity. After that, let him sign the contract and bring him to orgasm. Make him pull out with his tongue and swallow all his semen, then close in chastity. Tease him with your body, let him kiss your legs and pussy, let him hug him, do a massage. Whatever you want, the main thing is that he is constantly on edge and eager to finish. At the end of the week, free him up for hygiene, then give him a handjob, during which ask if he liked being locked up. Has he changed his mind, whether he wants to continue to be locked up. Remind him that this might even be his last time in freedom. That, quite possibly, you don't want to let him out of the cage anymore. Look at his reaction. How much to excite him with what you said. Before you allow him a broken orgasm, make him beg you again for the privilege of being locked up.

    In the future, smoothly push the possibility of freedom further and further. A week, two, three, a month, three months, six months, a year. No orgasms other than broken ones.

    In between, while he is locked, start changing his sexual identity. Insert the strapon into your role model, start penetrating it instead of penetrating you. Milk his prostate on a schedule so he gets used to discharge this way. This will prepare him for the opportunity to cum from your strapon. Moreover, regular prostate massage is very beneficial for men's health. Use an Estim device to give him relief without letting go of his cage. It is possible to give him relief by using a vibrator under the cage.

    All of these actions will smoothly prepare his mind and identity for the realization that penetrative sex is no longer the source of basic pleasure, that there are many other pleasant ways to find the long-awaited ejaculation.

    After his mind-rebuild, time to tell him that perianent chastity is your wish. Warn him that this will be the last full orgasm of his life and make him beg you to lock him up. Give him the last full male orgasm and locked him. And you won't have a PIV problem anymore.
     
  11. Guest 1824
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    Thank you. It's something I will think hard about.
     
  12. Guest 1824
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    Guest 1824 Member

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    Thank you, I guess I cannot guarantee "never". In life there are no guarantees.
     
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  13. Guest 1824
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    Guest 1824 Member

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    Very wise words and very eloquently phrased. Wouldn't you think that it may be unfair of me to show him the light at the end of that tunnel when there may never be an end?
     
  14. Guest 1824
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    Guest 1824 Member

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    I love this reply. To play my game rather than his, a game of which i have yet to make up the rules. A wonderful thought. Thank you x
     
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  15. MrsBR_Saiph
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    MrsBR_Saiph Hotwife & Keyholder
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    Without a light at the end of the tunnel I think the situation largely will digress to a lock him and forget him situation. I in no way suggest that light needs to be piv however he will need something. If you are already disconnected sexually chastity will likely exasperate that disconnection. You can certainly try and play the dominant role for a time but without the connection that will get old and no doubt dwindle in time. I think the best way forward is to try and kickstart your libido finding intimacy and enjoyment through some form of physical touch. Maybe try sharing a bed again on weekends where he can hold you as you fall asleep. Many on this site like to talk fantasy bull shit about it being all about their mistress. I believe everyone has needs and those needs must be fed. I guess only you can decide if you want to feed the needs of your husband. Keeping in mind their may be many ways to fulfil these needs.
     
  16. nycha
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    nycha Long term member

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  17. nycha
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    nycha Long term member

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    Bravo Mrs. Saiph

    thing You really understand the game-

    best to be playful. the hole life
     
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  18. Guest 1824
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  19. Guest 1824
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    Thank you for this, I think you have given me food for thought. I guess we have become sexually disconnected. Maybe I/we have become lazy and let things slide. It is all to easy to simply reach for the bedside drawer. That takes little effort on my part and doesn't involve his participation in getting my needs met. Perhaps that's selfish. Our lives have been changed due to the family tragedy we suffered. It's something we will never fully recover from so I guess I/we have changed.
    I will think deeply about what you have written and try to act on it.
     
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  20. Guest 1824
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    Thank you all for your words of wisdom. Advice is what I came here for and advice is what I got. It has helped to see the viewpoints of others who have similar sexual leanings as my husband. I will take on board what you all have written and act on what I feel may help. As I said before, I enjoyed being dominant first time round. If we resume that part of our relationship, I hope I will do so again.
    Watch this space.
    P x
     
  21. boo
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    boo Long term member

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    Mistress Scarlet real female domination, has a section on her site just for BAV born again virgins. Men who will never be allowed PIV again. The list grows, it's a popular concept it seems. Quite doable indeed
     
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  22. MrsBR_Saiph
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    MrsBR_Saiph Hotwife & Keyholder
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    I applaud you for recognizing the change in your lives, reaching out for some input and being open to some work on your relationship. At the end of the day our children move away, we retire from our life's work all we really have is the one person we have chosen to walk through life with. Nothing matters to me more than the one I have chosen and no effort is too great when it comes to our happiness together. I wish you much happiness in your journey back to this man you love. Best wishes ❤️
     
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  23. cshorts
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    cshorts Locked in love for SL

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    Very wise words from both @Jessica Alexander and @MrsBR_Saiph.

    Every person, every couple is different. The stories we have of our experiences may not work for you. But there are many men who enjoy long periods of orgasm denial (mine now are typically 3 months between unlockings) ... though it seems that few want to be locked and forgotten, or go without an orgasm forever. Since your husband enjoyed being your sub before, he may well be thrilled to be locked for periods without PIV, perhaps even never getting penetration, as long as you pay some physical attention to him and offer him the anticipation of getting an orgasm now and then. But even that orgasm can be with little or no effort by you: as Jessica suggested, letting him get riled up by serving *your* pleasure, then unlocking him and cuddling with him and watching him while he pleasures himself may be the height of intimacy and satisfaction for him.

    There are so many ways not involving penetration that he can feel physically loved and satisfied by and with you. Communicate, and experiment. And be happy that he may not require a lot more than being allowed to submit to you!
     
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  24. Susanstoy91
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    Susanstoy91 Long term member

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    When my Wife(KH) and I were younger, our sex life was great...So I thought. My Wife is ten years older then I am. We would f*ck all the time, anyplace. We did oral, PIV, anal, she would try anything. And I thought she was enjoying it. When MC and the cage came up, we started to talk about our likes and dislikes, which we really didn't do before. She would give me blow jobs and swallow all the time. Again, I thought she enjoyed it. After we started talking she told me she didn't mind giving oral, but hated swallowing, but thought I liked it and excepted her to do it. Which I never did except her to swallow. She is 71 now, I'm 60 and we haven't had PIV in years...Maybe 10. Since putting on the cage, I now have figured out that she is number one. What she wants, she gets. I never question her request. She now has full control of when or if I have a orgasm, how long the cage stays on. The only oral I get now is a few licks once in awhile. The biggest thing with MC is talking to each other, which I wish we would have done more of since day one. Good luck with the adventure...
     
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  25. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    #25 Xileh, Apr 3, 2021
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2021
    @Persephone You sound very caring and thoughtful. Life does get in the way. I think when we need to take breaks, that time seems to make clear to us what we are missing, and how the intimacy of a long relationship can quickly lose its way and result in just living together. The love can still be strong, but intimacy can diminish quickly.

    Men crave the attention of a woman. That is why female dominance and perhaps chastity work so well. It raises his interest, resulting in all of his attention focused on her.

    She is so down to earth. We tend to hear more of the fantasy. This is the reality. The truth is, if a submissive is to function and be motivated, they need attention, and a “light”. However, the “light” should not be a reward. Serving his woman is his reward. If he expects a reward for his service, you loose control.

    If you are truly in control, there are many simple ways to maintain his interest and motivation. Most of all, it must be fun and rewarding for you. A short tease, a few words, displaying a key, a suggestive pat. All are simple gestures, yet reassures him, you are interested. This reassurance is vitally important. The attention is more effective than an orgasm. You know what makes him tick. Make it fun for you, relight his desire, and keep stoking it. You’ll figure out the rest.

    In a short time, your love will become deeper and stronger with a restored intimacy. It is worth investing a little time and creativity.

    Please keep us informed!
     
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