How to encourage woman in her dominant role?

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by rogueboy, Feb 22, 2021.

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  1. rogueboy
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    rogueboy New member

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    Ok, so first off - i'm not asking about kinks or other fantasy stuff. For us - me and my girlfriend - doing all kinds of crazy things in bed was never a problem. It's the boring every day stuff that turned out to be problematic.

    We've been playing around with FLR for a long time, but it was mostly for fun so it naturally faded away or returned depending on the mood. Maybe about a year ago we've decided we'd like to make it more of a lifestyle - easier said than done. She is affraid of abusing me too much, and although she likes the idea of me serving her, doing the housework and other stuff - she is still somewhat reluctant and insecure and thus not very insisting or demanding in that regard.

    We have very good communication going on between us so she is well aware i'm totally fine with all that - but she is just a prime example of overthinking, i guess. So i figured out i need to do more to build her confidence and willingness to be this badass Queen she wants to be and i'm curious to know how you'd go about that :)

    The obvious stuff: i'm mostly locked, not 24/7 because i still didn't find a device comfortable enough for me, but we're using honour system when i'm not in the cage, i'm already doing everything she asks for and do my best to be willing and submissive for her.

    TL;DR; What do you - happy FLR couples - did to make the transition from FLR being just a game to be an actual life style? :)
     
  2. King Hippo
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    King Hippo Long term member

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    A FLR is what she wants to make it. There are a lot of things she prefers I am in control of, but some of the things that are a must to be are specific house duties, giving her comfort when even when she doesn't ask for it, and nightly backrubs until she falls asleep.

    It's starting to feel like for every hour of attention I give her I get about 1 minute? But I enjoy seeing how happy she is.
     
  3. madams-sissysub
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    I agree! It’s all about her happiness!
     
  4. billzboats
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    billzboats 63rd birthday

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    Beautiful King!
     
  5. Mauiperson
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    Mauiperson Long term member

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    For a KH it is a journey that is farther and longer for them than for us. Society has not made this transition difficult for them and it takes them a long time to understand how to make the FLR work for them and get the benefits they want. Also women are more nurturing and thus at first it conflicts with their assumptions, until they realize that an FLR can be much more nurturing than a vanilla relationship....it's just at first very counter intuitive.

    There are multiple stories of this transition for a KH that may or may not reflect your situation. But I would keep with it...next thing you know you will wonder how she came so far.
     
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  6. Guest 6019
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    Guest 6019 Long term member

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    I'm not on commission, but I can't recommend the holy trainer enough. I can't even feel it's on unless I'm aroused.
     
  7. rogueboy
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    rogueboy New member

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    Thanks for your replies :)

    Yes - i try to stick with that, but also i don't want to interfere too much. I'd like her to be focused on what she likes and what wants - as this is the part she struggles the most, i think. I've also suggested her - and she liked the idea - to write down a list of duties and rules she wants me to follow. I know a lot of people sees any forms of "contracts" as useless or artificial, but i hope it will make her think in greater detail about her own vision of FLR.

    Yep, that's what i'm hoping for :D

    Well, that's somewhat comforting to know it is common for people to struggle at the beginning of an FLR relationship. We've been doing Femdom/FLR for quite some time now, but it is still difficult for us to not pop out of the "roles" when the situation gets out of comfort zone.

    And although i agree it is harder for them i wouldn't say it is easy for us. Because of cultural conditions we males have such spoiled egos. In the past i've often popped out of my submissive headspace just because i was tired, lazy or it just didn't feel comfortable in given circumstances. It took me some time to overcome this stupid "be a man" attitude.

    So i don't want it all to look like i'm the perfect sub and she's lagging behind. But you're probably right in that it really is taking her more time to get there.

    I've seen a lot of people recommending it, but for now i still believe there is comfort to be found with some cheap, chinese devices - yeah, maybe i'm being naive here, but we'll see.

    And to be fair my Lady/KH/GF prefers the looks of steel cages so i can't really argue with that :D

    Amen :D
    (My girlfriend identify herself with a Goddess first and foremost, so i couldn't resist...)
     
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  8. lovetohearno
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    lovetohearno Active member

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    Just keep serving without her having to ask. Respond positively when she shows dominance in a given situation. Don’t force it. She’ll grow into it at her own pace and will achieve a level of dominance that she is comfortable with. This might not be the same level you want but she’s the leader after all, right?
     
  9. HouseboyForHer
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    HouseboyForHer Long term member

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    #9 HouseboyForHer, Mar 2, 2021
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2021
    I'm on the same journey as you, sir. I have negotiated to do almost all the housework except cooking and paying the bills. The problem is, of course, that I do these things quite willingly. I am not being MADE to do them. Likewise, she will paddle me when I need it, but she doesn't keep it up long enough or hard enough to make me truly hate it and want to get away. I've been orgasm free for 79 days (December 13) and erection free for 39 days, although at any time I could sincerely ask to be let out and and allowed to orgasm, and she would allow it!

    So that is really not very strict, and I end up pushing my submissive buttons myself, if that makes sense. But we are making progress.

    I hear King Hippo and his advice is excellent. But if I may, I would add to King's advice thusly:

    At any given time, how she sees FLR and dominating you is exactly right for her. But that does not preclude having honest and loving conversations in "time-out mode". I try to gently show her an open door that she can walk through if she is comfortable doing so, with no pressure at all. And the way I have approached it is to paraphrase lines from a book we have read on my behest (Scarlet's Guide, "Sex and Relationship Nirvana with a Submissive: a Beginner's Guide"). The quote is:

    "Dominating a submissive is, to quite an extent, managing a paradox. Managing an illogical contradiction. They are most a peace 24/7/365 when, from time to time (or frequently) stuff they don't want to happen to them, happens to them! (As long as it's is not the wrong stuff.) The more you want to be held in awe and worshiped, the more you have to sensitively handle this paradox. […] The wrong stuff is things that stop them feeling submissive. [...] So the golden rule is: Whatever they are enduring, it must always be just a little more than they feel they can cope with.”

    I refer to the above and say "You have to be completely comfortable in our relationship. If it makes you comfortable to push me to the point where I am out of my comfort zone and genuinely not in control, it will push my submissive buttons and my soul will glow with even greater contentment. But, please, if you never feel comfortable doing that, I love you and I love how our relationship, just as it is, has allowed me to serve you as my Queen, just as you deserve!"

    And yes, I give her positive vibes when she is more strict. But really, she sees right into me and sees what her greater firmness does for my soul, and she is amazed but also positively reinforced.
     
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  10. Ma'at Rebekah
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    Ma'at Rebekah Long term member

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    in our opinion for an flr to work the xx needs to believe certain things before she can truly lead:
    1. it is my right to lead.
    to be a flr it can not be a democracy. you yield all power one time forever or you don't and you deny her the right to lead.
    2. i make good decisions.
    any comment you make that could possibly bring her decisions in question erodes the confidence require to make solid decisions.
    3. my desires are more important than his.
    that's just what it needs to be otherwise it is a mlr from the bottom.
    4. flr is forever more, no switching or quitting.
    it is difficult to make the hard choice if she believes she might suffer repercussions at your hand if the table are turned or made even.
    5. this is the realization of my fantasies come true.
    if it is not about what she wants then it is about what you want and she is serving you.
    6, all good things a worth hard work.
    often i read about xx's who are served like queens never having to do a thing. truth be told being in charge and making good decision is hard work and it can be all encompassing. if she is not willing to do the work she is not worthy of leadership.
    7. there are no magic pills that can make up for lack of effort or dedication.
    8. there is no time like the present.
    one of the hardest things to adjust to was to stop waiting for things to happen and just make it happen.
    9. i love the power i feel from being in total control.
    if she does not feel an excitement when demonstrating her power or the freeing feeling of being in total control, motivation may be scarce.
    10. my sexuality is mind to explore.
    xx sexual exploration is difficult within a good relationship. in this ideal relationship exploration is an expectation free from judgmental pressures.
    11. practice breeds familiarity which yields comfort.
    some thing feel out of place at first, down right weird but the more i did them the more comfortable i got with them. like most things practice makes "better".


    some cornerstones of being a ma'at are:

    1. i decide what is best for the family. the marriage and myself in that order.
    2. being ma'at is a position of responsibility not privilege.
    3. ma'at is a lifetime commitment.
    4. a well trained puck is best for all concerned.


    a fair point to consider is not all people are suited for leadership just as all people are not suited to serve. trying to fit a square peg in a round hole can have serious repercussion.

    good luck
     
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  11. Guest 6019
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    Guest 6019 Long term member

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    Nice post. And for some very much the ideal. However, I would add that it works, and is still worth pursuing, if the balance is shifted only slightly at first with hope of pushing that balance more in her favour with patience and time.
     
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