communication IS Huge, but difficult

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by MrPickle, Feb 26, 2021.

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  1. MrPickle
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    MrPickle Member

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    "communication IS Huge"

    I see this everywhere.
    But men are crap at communicating, I feel I am especially so, but realise I'm probably the same as everyone one else out there struggling to communicate and 'not top' at the same time.
    I can get the odd comment in, but not often as it comes across as an obsession.
    The odd thing I do get a cross is often mis heard or mis understood.
    If I wait for a good moment to talk and say "can I talk to you for a few minutes", it will often be followed by "what about", with eyebrows raised, and then when I do start, it becomes uncomfortable for me and I find I can't get a message across in a way it will be understood?
    It's like I say "I like how you have your hair up today".
    My wife hears "I don't like your hair when its down"
    Anything related to sex talk instantly becomes uncomfortable and is brushed off as quickly as possible so I end up rushing and any point is lost in the wind.
    I am not allowed to text of write notes due to having nosey children.

    So, what the ideal way to start a conversation? I would want to book a meeting with an agenda lol.
    Or a meal, but the topic would spoil the mood.
    Any tips?
     
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  2. elias
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    elias 7/7 on the TomAllen-Rectrix scale

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    Is your question related to any topic? Or directed towards a specific topic?
     
  3. Anonoman
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    Anonoman Long term member

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    I’ve struggled the same way... what I found that worked best from me, was writing it all down in a draft email. Then going back and re-reading it later and making sure it said what I wanted. Also putting at the beginning that I was writing it down so that I could get my wording right and giving me wife time to read and re-read it as she needed.
     
  4. gingers_sub
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    I'm no expert but it sounds to me like its not you who cannot communicate. Its a two way street if your wife hears the opposite of what you say the problem is with her not you.
    I think she has already decided in her head that whatever you say is going to be met with aggression and a combative reaponse.
     
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  5. MissyB
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    MissyB Long term member

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    Finding a good time to have an honest and intimate conversation can be difficult, especially with children at home. It may seem like a good time to you but not for your spouse. So i understand your frustration. In your example, if it occurs at a time when she is not feeling positive about herself, your hair comment can sound like criticism. Can you suggest that the two of you set up a time, maybe right before bed, or a weekly standing lunch date, where the two of you can just talk? Let her know up front that you want to be the kind of mate she wants and that by having more 'real conversations' you hope to work toward that goal. Let her know that this idea is based on your love for her. Having open communication can take time, especially if there is an established pattern of poor communications in the past. Good luck.
     
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  6. MrPickle
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    #6 MrPickle, Feb 26, 2021
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2021
    It really does center around the chastity thing, my wife is comfortable with it, would rather I was locked than not etc. So we have crossed some huge bridges, but this has mainly been done by me 'leading' the way and then my wife has taken over.
    But there are still issues of sorts, I can tell from comments that are said before topic is quickly changed, if I try to back track and pick up on the earlier comment it does feel like I am fishing or trying to hard, which is not the case, I know not to push. The things that are hanging in the air at the moment are to do with Lockup durations (wife obviously want to push harder and at the same time doesn't see herself as being 'that woman'
    Teasing, Total lack of, Which I would obviously like to discuss because C is so damn good at it, it is productive, it improves us in ways nothing else can, when she stops thinking about how her "normal" self should behave, C becomes the shining light in this relationship and everybody bounces with happyness and glee, but again C doesn't see herself as being 'that woman'
    I think the Conversation I need to have is.
    The person you are becoming, is more beautiful, more confident, more radient and more natural you than the person your parents trained you to be, open your wings and fly.
    C already knows what we have now is so much better than it was, but has said that it is still something she would be ashamed of if it were ever known. Maybe still looking for that self confidence or to feel comfortable?
    Whereas I am so proud to be where I am, we are.
     
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  7. MrPickle
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    MrPickle Member

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    same time doesn't see herself as being 'that woman'

    This makes sense, so no surprises, and time to get heads around it.

    I just have to work out how to prrsent this. If it works I will let you know how it goes.
     
  8. MrPickle
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    MrPickle Member

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    Sorry, the reply above ws to this.

    This makes sense, so no surprises, and time to get heads around it.

    I just have to work out how to prrsent this. If it works I will let you know how it goes
     
  9. MrsBR_Saiph
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    MrsBR_Saiph Hotwife & Keyholder
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    Kink, sex and sexuality in general is complicated for women. Men are raised to believe it's "normal" to be horney, to seek out and pursue sex, to watch porn. All things sexual are much more normalize in the world of men. Women are often raised to be good, pure, virginal. Women are shamed for pursuing and enjoying sex. Entering a world of kink is a difficult path for many vanilla women to take. If your wife enjoys chastity and what it brings to your life, accept that as enough for now. Give her time to allow chastity to become normal for her. You may have been thinking about chastity for a long time before you presented it to your wife. Even if this is not the case, women are a slow brew. Support her and yes praise her for the person she is becomming. Confidence takes time to build. Patience...
     
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  10. King Hippo
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    Every situation is different, but if you have a parter that actually hears....

    "I don't like your hair when its down"

    when you say...

    "I like how you have your hair up today"

    it sounds like she is a bit stuck up.... sorry. Not sure how long you have been together, by the looks of it awhile given you have kids that are nosey & can read... but this type of relationship you have with your wife has been built over years and won't be fixed over night.

    I personally wouldn't have stayed with my spouse if she acted like that, it would have been over before it started.... but I really think a step in the right direction is expressing what you are saying here to your wife. It is good honest communication.
     
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  11. Drews
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    I think you are on the correct path about the conversation you need to have. Based on my experience with a similar wife not willing to talk about sex I did not make it a long in depth conversation. What worked for me was small positive reinforcement contacts. An example that really changed things for my wife was a comment I made after we had a hot time together. I told her she is making me feel the intensity for her just like when we just met and fell in love. She replied that she can tell but never thought of it that way. Then we cuddled a while and never mentioned the cage. After that the cage became 24/7 unless she wanted vanilla sex.
     
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  12. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    Read the book "Come As You Are". Couples get into an impasse over sex.

    I think women with a dominant streak don't like to feel crowded, and can usually detect when they are being "handled", and don't like that either. This is probably especially true if they are the lower desire partner.
    A few years into a marriage, and you are marooned in a dead bedroom.

    I think the answer is to be assertive but terse. "Our sex life seems to have died and it's making me unhappy. I don't know how to fix this, but I have a kink that might take the pressure off for a while..."
     
  13. Mauiperson
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    Mauiperson Long term member

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    I do think that it takes some time for the flywheel to get going. She engages in the FLR starting chastity and say tease and denial. Then she sees it stir in her husband more what she wants....more attention, more help around the house, more sex focused on her. This positive feedback loop often leads to an increase in dominance and control, leading to a continued better relationship for both, such that the wheel can spin faster. But a relationship isn't always so simple, because both sexes are burdened by complex psychological and socialization overlays. Thus I patience and communication are needed to oil the fuck out of that flywheel, but I do think, once you get that thing spinning....watch out.

    Read below at your own risk, just my ramblings:

    I have a fantasy analogy that I think is too simplistic and way too hot to necessarily be anything more than an analogy. I imagine a wife approaching an FLR, much like she would approach learning to play the cello. At first, she would find it frustrating learning to hold the instrument correctly, getting her posture right, how to master the bow, and how weird it is that she has to hold the instrument in-between her legs. At times she will be frustrated and will want to walk away from it all together, but with time, using her tools, (chastity, discipline, domestication, and maybe eventually pegging and even cuckolding) she learns to make that cello sing so sweetly, that she can't stop wanting to keep that cello between her legs as much as possible.

    Of course, the cello is her husband and the presentation is that the husband is an inanimate object, which is too simplistic. But it may not be so far off if you consider how we train an animal. The trainer is under a great deal of pressure to figure out the right training methods, because the puppy won't help you at all. Yeah....even this is too simplistic when applied to humans, but at the end of the day, an FLR does depend on behavioral science and conditioning and deeply rooted hormonal changes associated with the practices of FLR.

    My point being is that yes communication is really important, but wife having to transition to the leader position, is about her taking on a lot of responsibility, whereas her husband is relieved of that and expectations are simply for his obedience and submission. And when obedience and submission are not blossoming correctly, the responsibility is on her to provide the training necessary to make that change occur. That is the attraction for both parties, the husband gives up decision making and submits to his wife, but the wife now has to take on the role as the trainer so that she can bring the relationsip into line with her needs. Thus, why her transition is so much of a longer journey than his transition and thus why it is so hard for her. My solution, women need their own place to have a support network with other women who are at different stages of the process in this progression. What is happening now, is that every wife has to figure this out mostly on her own. Yes, there is plently of literature on the internet and books on the subject that help, but I don't think it can replace a community of women with a goal to make this transition easier. 0

    And until an FLR is an accepted type of relationship in our society, rather than seen as something that is simply a kinky relationship, I don't think this support network will be readily available to women in the near future. The sexual component of an FLR is the way nature has given men into the hands of women, but it is not the heart of the FLR, but what makes an FLR possible. The heart of an FLR is the Relationship part.
     
  14. Guest 6019
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    You are not alone. My wife is reluctant to talk about sex or chastity much. I have to pick my moments and be very careful about what I bring up. Try to use terms she is comfortable with. For instance. My chastity cage was introduced as "something to help me save myself for her". She was tired of me taking too long, because I was wanking too much, so that makes sense to her, on her terms.
     
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    Can I use this last bit. You are a fucking genius. Nail on the head. Turn it into a Tshirt, that bloody good.
     
  16. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    i love chatting and i chat a lot to Mistress but a lot of time She says shut up jemima so i do then.
     
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  17. MrPickle
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    MrPickle Member

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    When C was talking to me about her day (we had just got into bed), she suddenly stopped and said "why are you still here. Can't you lick and listen at the same time?
     
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  18. madams-sissysub
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    Just sit down with a drink, and after a couple of drinks start taking about want you want to talk about.
     
  19. rebelfan
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    For me, this is SO much more difficult than it seems. We are not young people necessarily anymore, so some of that factors in and makes it more difficult. But most of all I suck at patience and the nurturing aspect.
     
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