My journey

My introduction post covered quite a bit. I’m going to start using this blog as a means to document my journey and my inner thoughts. I apologize if they are sporadic and all over the place.

I can’ think back to a time when I thought about chastity. This may seem odd but maybe when I was 12 or 13. I sat staring at my dick and watching my balls go down and up and thinking weird thoughts about my dick. I wanted it to get inside of my body. I don’t know why I thought about that back then, but I did. Maybe all the pressure that comes along with being a man back then. The thought came to me a few times and then it just disappeared and I never thought about that again until recently.

I have been married for 17 years. Our sex life was amazing until my wife hit menopause. We did experiment right before menopause and shared a girlfriend. She went on dates with guys, sexted, and we were basically just exploring.

Over time she became jealous of the girl and we ended things with the girl. Later she told me she felt as if I cheated. I played separately once with her. She knew and said she was okay with it. I shouldn’t have done it. I knew she said yes, but meant no. I knew and my selfish ass didn’t care. “Technically” I didn’t cheat, but I knew. I’m an asshole.

Shortly after my wife hit early menopause. Not sure if any of you have experienced this but wow! A roller coaster and if you’re not a strong couple I can see how people separate during those times. We went from exploring with others to dead halt. “Halt! Who goes there!”

Sex goes away. Should we be selfish men or stand by our women? Thoughts of cheating when you have a sexless relationship come and go. Why am I doing this? You selfish bastard!! I never cheated!!! At times you start to resent the person your with like they can control it. Again, selfish bastard!!

Somewhere along the lines you realize that your wife is a sensitive being and she must be really having a hard time adjusting to these changes in hormones. Then she has to hear a nagging husband about his needs and desires.

We have probably had sex three times in a year for the last two years. What does this lead to? Masturbation! Lots of it.

I have created these fantasies of her being a hotwife and going on dates. Coming home to let me eat her well fucked pussy. Then it turns into cuckolding and wanting her to tell me she enjoys other cock more than mine. Something just sparked and I started to think about her dates. The effort put in, the time of exploring another human. We both realized that we will never have that exact “new” feeling between us. 17 years of marriage and 10 years of friendship before that. I’m only 45. She’s been a constant in my life. Not much to discover. Watching her pussy get soaking wet from sexting a new guy was so hot!!! But, with us being together so long mixed with menopause, we will never have that again. It doesn’t mean we can’t be more intimate than ever though.

I’ve always felt that intimacy was more than sex. It’s truth, honesty, dedication and sharing the deepest desires with one another.

I started to watch lots of cuckolding and read lots of literature. Of course that lead me to dommes and a more alpha type woman. MMMmmM...

I talk to my wife about everything and she thinks I’m weird. But... she does normally play along. I discussed chastity and she said she was all for cuckolding and the fantasy of it but not the reality. She said that something about the humiliation part she just doesn’t like.

I’m an alpha. Everyone sees that in me. I’m the boss at work, I’m the mentor people seek, I’m the jock, the guy that works out daily, I’m the guy who used to compete in fighting. I’m the alpha!!!! But am I? Do I want to be? Can’t I hand that control over to someone I trust and just be? I’m so tired of the pressure of being an alpha male. Be the best! Don’t cry! Hide your feelings! What are you a girl or something?! Our whole lives we are programmed to be the toughest and be on top. In the military we were taught that other men’s blood made the grass grow. I’ve literally lived this lie for years. I’m tired. I’m tired of living a lie. I’m tired of the constraints that say I have to be a hard ass, and to suck it up buttercup. The torment that we create in ourselves is sometimes unbearable and who can we talk to about it? Our wives want us to be strong and be the rock. Our kids need a role model to look to that they believe can be their Superman. Society? Please. No one wants to hear the sobbing of a white alpha male. Get the fuck out of here. I want to let go. Let someone else take the reigns. Let me just be submissive in one small dark secret portion of this life.

Have control my wife. The love of my life. The sweet woman that has stood by this wreck of a man for all these years.
Be my key holder! I’m yours!!! Always and forever. I’m not a selfish man.

 

I attempted to wear a small chastity with a 1.97” ring. I wore it all night with no issues except the front gland was a little sore. The next morning I was doing things as normal and my entire package turtled and low and behold my cage fell off. I’ve posted somewhere in here about my research and finding out that I went way too large for a ring.

I measured again and my new ring of 1.57” showed up today. I had just got back from getting a spacer to make sure my glands didn’t hurt anymore too.

I took the whole thing and put it together. I could hardly control myself. I couldn’t wait to cage my dicklet. I compared the two rings to make a mental note of how large I thought I was vs how small I really am.

I thought for sure that it being so small it would take forever to get on. Nope!!! My dicklet was begging for it. I’m not sure if any of you have felt this, but my dicklet started to turtle and get ready like it knew what was coming. I easily got everything in place and took a couple pictures.

Why am I excited to deny myself a pleasure I have felt daily for over 30 years? Why am I excited for this new adventure? I’m still not exactly sure but I already love it. I can’t wait to show it to her and see her reaction. I have a plan. I’ll share that later.

As I was placing it over my cock, I got that same feeling that I had the first time. Excited, nervous, turned on mentally. It felt dirty and I liked it. The thought of locking away my dicklet and handing the keys to my wife was such an adrenaline rush. It was like time stood still and I was watching myself from the outside excited to feel the mental waves of pleasure.

For now, here’s a few pictures.

 

I asked my wife to come with me because I had something to show her. She hesitantly walked with me into the room. I dropped to my knees and begged her to let me eat her pussy. She pulled her pants down and went to the edge of the bed and took my head in her hand as I went to work.

I had a toy nearby after awhile I started using the toy, my fingers, all mixed with my mouth. I pinched her nipples at the same time giving her a quick and easy orgasm. The vibration drove her over the edge. I’m glad I planned it out.

Afterward, I handed her the key. She knew the new ring came today. She looked embarrassed and asked me if she could see it. I showed her and I think she was a little shocked when I pulled down my pants. She asked me how I was able to hide away my dick. I showed her how and where it was. She felt around and felt above my cage and she could feel a bulge above the cage and she said, “There it is. I see you’re turned on too.”

It was above the cage moving toward my belly button. It was weird. I didn’t realize it until she pointed it out. I felt on it and sure enough later when things calmed down it went away. My hard on didn’t stop. It just happened inside of whatever cavity it was in. Made me curious to read of others experience and see if they have had that issue too.

Needless to say, our discussions sparked a ton of intimate conversations between us. How it will all turn on I don’t know. She knows my desires and only time will tell how things will turn out.

 

Thanks for the reply. She recently went to the primary and they gave her a script for Prempro. She’s been on it a few months and says it just makes her “fat”. She hasn’t gained any weight. She’s beautiful regardless, but I know she hasn’t gained weight. She’s just hard on herself. I’m being real in this journal and I know that isn’t a fantastical mistress like reply, but I want to be real. Thank you for the advice. We actually got advice from someone online and that’s why she’s on HRT.

 

Today was a dud, but I tried.
I have a strap on dildo that we used to play with in the past. Yes, even before chastity I loved taking a nice cock that I couldn’t compete with and pleasure my wife. So anyways, I asked her if she wanted to play at lunch and she said yes.

I got the dildo ready and cleaned and placed it in a heating pad on low. We have learned she doesn’t like a cold lifeless dildo so we heat things up before hand- but never too hot.

I got a bowl of hot water and a wash cloth for clean up, lube on the nightstand and I had everything ready.

About 30 minutes before our sexy time she text me, “What do you want from Firehouse?”
She comes in with food in hand and we eat. I ask her if she still wants to play and she says she only has five minutes to get back to clock in.

My heart dropped. I didn’t say a word but my feelings were hurt. She will never know how I prepared for today because there will be another day, another time.

The cage is giving me no physical problems. It is a pain to urinate though. I have to sit or massively lean over toilet like a moron. Easier to sit. Even though a majority goes out through the hole still some trickles down my balls. I’m a hygiene freak, probably from being uncut and having an issue once as a kid. So I seem to be taking more baths since I got the cage on. Soap that area up and soak. Then rinsed with alcohol. Kind of burns, don’t suggest it.

 

Today’s a new day. Excited and thrilled. I spent a lot of time looking at cages last night. I normally work 3-1130pm and so everyone is asleep and I have quite a bit of alone time. I spent that time last night reading through these forums and feeling less alone. That may sound weird but reading other peoples accounts of their personal experience and even those that fantasize about this lifestyle made me feel like part of a group. Although some of the fantasy is written like an 80’s porn.

I wish I had experienced this earlier in life. I wish I had the capabilities of finding and researching the information we have today when I was younger. Many people blame internet for giving people too much information and causing them to stray from societal norms. I don’t see that as the case. I see the internet as a place for people to seek others out and create a support group with one another and build our own group within society to feel less alone, to learn from one another, and to really be a part of something.

Okay, enough sappy crap. I told you that I’d be writing like an actual journal.

I woke up last night and peed all over myself. I asked wife for key and took off the cage at about 5am and woke up about 7am. So a couple hours uncaged. No urges to touch myself cause I was tired. No wet dreams either.

So I took a bath this morning and while putting the cage back on, my dicklet seemed to turtle. I mean really turtle, more than I have ever seen before. It literally looked like it was inverted and all of it inside of me leaving me just a little bit of foreskin behind to see. I wasn’t sure if it was just a fluke or not, but I have to tell you, I loved it. I can’t understand why looking at this little flab of skin made me feel so happy. It was like my dicklet was gone and I was happy seeing it? What’s wrong with me? I don’t have the answers and so far while I’m reading it seems there are others like me who want their dick to disappear.

I love cumming. I love having orgasms. I enjoy it. I read a poll the other day asking, “If you could take a pill that would permanently make you super tiny and never erect but still orgasm would you?” At first I thought, “Hell no! I love fucking and I love pleasing my woman.” This morning as I stare and marvel at how small my dicklet seems after a couple days of chastity in this small cage makes me feel so good. I don’t know why and I don’t have the root reason for loving it, but I do. It’s nice to come to a place where maybe, just maybe, a little less judgement happens when you say some off the wall, less than Alpha male hoorah stuff too.

Here’s what it looked like and why I was beside myself. Sorry no before pics.

 

Stub- Is the CK Micro smaller than what I have? It seemed around the same size. What’s your thoughts?

 

Well, the day progressed well. I cleaned the house, did dishes, mopped, vacuumed, gave dogs baths, made my wife a lunch while she worked, cleaned the garage, worked out, and did all the laundry.

She told me that she was going to lunch at 1pm. I got everything ready and put the strap-on on right at about 12:57. She came into the room and said, “Wow! That thing looks big.” It was the realistic Stryker. We have had it for about five years and it’s no secret. Every time she sees it she acts like it’s the first time she’s seen it. Kinda cute.

We cuddled and I caressed her all over. I made my way down and started the foreplay that she so dearly loves. She pulled me up and I knew what she wanted. I lubed it up and started oh so slowly. She wanted me to take my time and said she hadn’t had anything this large in a long time. We worked slowly and then she started to vibrate at the same time. Soon she was asking me to work in faster and deeper. She had a moment of wincing and I asked if she was okay. She said the angle didn’t hit right. She got up and got on all fours. I entered her as she started to vibrate again and she started to really get after it. She was moaning and pushing back. We talked dirty and she had a long orgasm. I pulled out and she said, “No, put it back in and fuck me!” I obliged and as I was pounding it as she requested I felt her body start to quiver again and she pushed back to get it deep. She started to shake and moan and right at that time I felt the worst pain ever. My balls were killing me and between my belly button and dicklet was sore too.

We finished quickly and I looked down and my cage was way out and my balls were not blue, but more like purple. I’ve heard of blue balls but never thought this is what was meant. LOL What pain!!! My dicklet didn’t want to be a dicklet anymore and was pushing out to be heard. She quickly unlocked it and we got it off quickly. She said, “Good, I need some of that.”

Needless to say we fucked. We talked dirty and I coerced some unnecessary statements like, “I love big dick!” “Your dick doesn’t compare.” She seemed to be apprehensive at first but as she saw me get all wild she continued and we both orgasm at the same time.

She stopped and said, “OH my, what time is it!!?”
Only 30 minutes had passed and she left to clock in. I brought her her clothes and she dressed as she was working.

I was nearly late for leaving to work and not enough time to cage again. On the way to work that same spot between belly button and dicklet was in pain. Not, “I need to go to Dr. pain, but this isn’t comfortable type pain.” I’m curious if when we were going at it if my dicklet was trying to burst out and it ended up opening up more compartment space between it and the belly button? I’m not sure but when I get off I’ll be researching it. Didn’t feel good at all.

Again- none of my posts are fantasy unless it’s me saying I fantasize about this or that. So if you’re reading, yes, this is a real account.

I used to cum 3-4 times a day and haven’t for a few days now. When I came, it was a prolonged idiot like cum too.

 

This morning is a little rushed. I have quite a few non fun like things today to deal with.

I was looking at the flat cage, the innie, and inverted. I was cageless since last night so as I was planning to get back in I thought about the spacers I made to protect my glands since I’m uncut.

I thought I’d try adding more spacers to the point of nearly being flat. It worked out well because with this version I can leave my foreskin forward and it sits perfectly with nothing bulging through any of the holes. Feels so comfortable. It was good before, but this is heavenly. I could live in this cage forever.

I find that the sex we had yesterday was gratifying. My thoughts are less sexual today and last night no sexual thoughts crossed my mind. I also understand what people are talking about when they asked how long it takes to get back into sub mode. I’m definitely content still and there’s no aching desire to do anything for anyone. Weird.

So, caged once again. I went a whole four days without an orgasm after years of 3-4 a day. Progress? Or sad? I think it’s pretty sad. Let’s try staying in for 7 this time with no release.

I do feel like this cage is so comfortable now. I don’t know the difference between on and the next since I’ve only tried this one. I have nothing to compare to, but this right now is literally heaven. Hoping that spacers give me a little edge closer to getting to that flat cage. If this 7 days goes well, I may be ordering a flat cage. Again, no idea why the smaller cages call to me but they do. It’s like a yearning I haven’t felt in a long time. I’m a little above average erect, why would I want to make it smaller? You’d think I’d want to get extenders and try to get larger and longer.....

Attached: pictures of what I did

 

Last night was rough. I must’ve walked about 9 miles at work and had some times when my left nut felt like it was kicked because I crossed my legs while sitting. I think I smashed my bits.

I came home and didn’t have any nasty thoughts. I normally would come home, all alone, watch porn, and have my way with myself. A different routine and knowing I wasn’t going to come home for that type of fun made my thoughts less about sex on my drive home too.

I did reach into my wife’s panties when I walked in and fondled around and asked her if she’d like me to go down. She smiled and said, “Go to sleep.” We talked this morning about it and laughed together.

Anyways, I woke up at around 8am. I didn’t know it was possible but my dick crept around parts of the cage again wanting to burst out. I wasn’t sure what happened and I would’ve loved to get a picture but I needed OUT! So I got out as quickly as possible. I do know the front of my foreskin was in the cage but somehow some shaft was wrapped oddly and through and around things. How’s that even possible? I thought maybe it turtled so greatly that it had a brief moment to pass above while my fore skin was still trapped. Regardless it hurt.

I instantly jumped in the bath and while I was thoroughly cleaning I did notice that I had some pre-cum. What are we at? Two days without ejaculating? Sad.

Cleaned up and back in. I have no desire to take my cage off and wank one out. Maybe it’s because I am okay with all of this? Maybe because there’s no role play involved in my actions? Maybe it’s because this more my idea than hers? Whatever the case may be, I feel inadequate compared to some of these other posts talking about how they cheated, or are in such loving misery for their mistress. I fear my experience may be too real and this boring and too hum drum to share.

 

Yesterday was a good day. Spent some time with my wife. I was able to talk a little and she asked some questions. She was curious enough to ask me. I shared these forums as a support group and an online book as well.
http://wonder-woman.info/ds/A KeyHolders Handbook - Georgia Ivey Green.pdf

I have found loads of information for a male but because I search things from my viewpoint, I haven’t sought out information to share with her to read.

Any other free books or readings to help her understand and be more inquisitive that you know of? I can’t bog her down and overwhelm her with information right away, but I’m sure after she reads that book she will either tell me I’m crazy or want to know more.

I woke up three times last night. I normally wake up 2-3 times anyways, so nothing new. The only thing new is that I normally wake up with raging hardons. Now, they are contained and less painful than from the start hard ons. I did have one last night that was painful, but oddly I liked it. I didn’t have to pee and I was just hard. I did our male kegel thing and pushed it more forward and I liked it. It was all smooshed and contained and blood flow made my internal canal rock hard. I reached for my phone to take a picture and instantly the blood started to go away.

“Oh I see! You like to turtle and hide when I’m proud enough to take a picture!”
I saw that LUCY had asked for pictures of contained hard ons and I was going to share. Damn you!! Penis has its own agenda today.

I clean every day. I took the cage off today for about an hour while I clean, air out, powder up, and marvel at how small it seems.

I’m not even joking. I said I was 2-4” at my smallest prior to caging and it was almost always 4”. I’ve even measured my limp dicklet at 6” before. Now, this entire hour uncaged it stayed at 2-2.5” I measured and smiled and was proud of seeing my dicklet half the size and less than normal. I’m really curious if it has affected my erect size too. Will I ever find out though?

My thoughts have changed quite a bit these last few days. I’m still not calm though. I felt edgey the other day and small things bothered me. It was like I was ultra sensitive.

I truly hope my wife takes the time to read that book and understand. I’m excited for her to be closer with me during this journey. To be honest, I’m sure she will have the tools and have the links but she will prioritize everything else first and not make time today. I get excited for her small effort of even asking questions and asking for information but she will make it a last priority. Unfortunately it is what it is.

 

I was just reading about hormones and the prescriptions people are taking to change m to f. So many similarities to a body builder.
Body builders take testosterone at high dosage (500-800mg). Their fear is gynomastia (breasts) and so they take armidex to block the estrogen. Once they are done with their cycle they have to take clomid or something similar to increase their estrogen which in turn makes the body want to product more testosterone until they get it a normal level. They take some time off and do it again.

Interesting to read everyone discussing this because there are so many similarities except body builders yo-yo their bodies to achieve the results they want.

What’s curious to me too is that if a body builder wanted to do TRT for their testosterone it costs them about $150 a month on average. This includes the weekly injections, blood tests pre and during. (US)

In looking at black market you can get test cypionate for $60 per 10ml for 200mg/1ml. You can get clomid for $35. So five weeks for $100 or so. I’m shocked that most people aren’t using black market goods and buying their needs from proven steroid suppliers if they are choosing to go a certain route. I know it’s not as safe. But.... much cheaper. You can also order your own personal labs fro lab corps for $75.

Anyways, very curious why anyone would want to pay so much when things are available for 1/4th or less.

 

Well, I had another orgasm yesterday. I was alone and exploring what a ruined orgasm was. I have never heard of one or experienced it. So I tried it.

Got myself close as can be with no orgasm and stopped. Kept doing that until cum started oozing out with no orgasm.

I did it about four times and finally I couldn’t take it anymore and just finished.

Maybe someday my wife will do that to me and NOT allow me the completion. That would be incredibly hot.

 

So the last couple/few days I have caged nearly 24 hours. I could smell myself. Nasty! So I took it off early this morning to air before getting a good cleaning. I used alcohol on the cage and just let it sit. Then cleaned it with hot water and soap. Nasty. I could never see anyone taking that off and wanting to get busy. Gross! It could just be my cage though. Not a lot of air flow.

I think I have made up my mind which cage is next. I think I’m going with CK micro. I looked at videos of the HT nub being put on and it didn’t look like it would be comfortable at all. The rear piece that goes behind the ring actually cut the person in the video.

So the CK Micro seems like it’s easy to urinate in, looks like there’s some protection for the glands, and it looks like there’s a lot of air flow to keep things dry.

I did do some measuring today again. I was under 2”. With my skin I was 2”, but I was about 1.75” at the tip of my head. It actually looked like there was nothing but the head. It seems like my limp dicklet is getting smaller and smaller. It’s pretty exciting to me to see small progress. Who would’ve ever thought my dick getting smaller would’ve been called progress. I’m also not jacking off four times a day and I’m sure that also helps- or doesn’t depending on how you see it.

My wife asked for the link to the book I sent her again. She had lost the link. That means she’s at least curious enough to open the book and start reading. That made me feel good.

I also read quite a lot of the cross dressing forum. My sister used to dress me up as a kid. She had this long blonde wig and she’d do my make up and dress me up and take me out with her. I was always into my moms clothes and shoes too. I remember there was a point and time my dad put a stop to it. He said it wasn’t healthy to play dress up with my sister and that I needed to stay out of my moms shoes. Why do I bring this up? I’m not sure. Reading some of the posts here made me remember things from my childhood. I’m sure every little boy has done the same thing and in my generation I’m sure that every father treated it the same.

Have you ever heard of parents wanting their sons to be a left handed baseball player? This is true. Or perhaps they didn’t want their kid to be left handed. The same thing applies. The parents will stop the kid from using one hand and place the objects or hand objects only to the hand they want their kid to primarily use. I watched my mother do that with my brother. He was inclined to be left handed and she changed it by programming habits that were in opposition.

I’m curious if this sort of conditioning was done to everyone. What if no one was ever conditioned and it was more like Montessori style learning in which the child chose what they wanted? Would society be a kinder place? Less people forced into roles they do not want to be in might make a happier being.

I don’t bring this up because it pertains to me. I do believe I am an alpha male through and through. Giving up a piece of me has been rough. If my wife chooses to read that book and start down this path with me, I am sure I will struggle. It’s odd for me and I am used to control.

Regardless it is a nice thought and a good thing to analyze. Would I be an alpha without the constraints and programming of society? Would I be who I am if my parents allowed me to explore?

You have to understand, I encountered a FTM once when I was about 6. My mom rushed outside and pulled me into the house in fear of me being contaminated. I asked her what was wrong and she said, “That was a woman, not a man!” I remember asking her what was wrong and she said she was from the devil. It was like a nightmarish retake of my mom when I watched “Waterboy”. We weren’t from the sticks though. We lived in Seattle. So again, I’m curious if things were open and free of choice, would I be the man I am today?

Well, that’s my journal for the day.

 

You’re the main reason for my choice of CK Micro. Your responses, your pictures, and your guidance. Thank you.