Energy for a stay-at-home wife led marriage?

I certainly get you. We both work full time, but while my work is straight forward and fits into a day nicely, my wife's job involves long hours and occasional weekend/after hours work. She is usually drained and stressed and certainly in no mood / has no energy to dominate male subs after work

I'm not sure what can be done about seperating your work and home life. Maybe you could make it clear, to your boss, that you need to spend more time with your partner and are there any ways to achieve that

I don't envy your position though. You really need to discuss with her how things get done and make it clear that while you want to serve her, you can't work miracles with time and if she helps do things you can both have more time together for massages.
It's strange to say, but dommes can't JUST put their feet up and be pampered. It takes two to have a relationship and if she is only interested in welching off you.. Well that's a worst case senario

best of luck

 

Some things strike me, but I may be wayyyyyyyyyyy off base, I'm only relating these to how I feel/felt over the years as a SAHM.

Being a SAHM can wipe out your confidence, so for her to feel "powerful" she is looking to shift the responsibility in your direction. She is not strong enough to gain the power herself.

Doing nothing (although looking after kids isn't "nothing" per sey) can drain you. I feel far more powerful, motivated, fulfilled when I'm busy busy busy. That's one of the reasons I have a part time job, it fulfils other needs. When I sit around all day I get depressed.

Maybe she needs a little something else. Volunteer work, a part time job, something that fulfils her "I'm powerful" needs.

Does it have to be YOU doing the housework? If you've been promoted, did that come with extra money? How about a part time housekeeper to help keep the mess/dirt to a minimum and you just top up.

I would suggest a sissy maid, but you obviously have young kids at home!

Just my thoughts, and possibly nothing to do with your home situation. :character0180:

 

subhub, i am totally in your position with the struggle between work demands and home life. the trick for me is to have the energy to serve at home by exercising and staying fit. once my BMI reached its proper set point then everything fell together.

 

I'd echo Ms W's words. When I read accounts of FLRs where the "serving" element is taken to extremes, it always makes me a bit uncomfortable. Yes, if you are submissive male, then being commanded to do all the housework may give you something back but it does often strike me that the potential for exploitation is clear. (Forgive me if I am judging your life choices here). That aside, as Ms W says, the potential to get depressed is huge in anyone with nothing meaningful to do. Now, I 'm not saying that housework is meaningful by any stretch of the imagination (ie "I'm not a housewife as I didnt marry a house") but as an adult, just to drift seems a recipe for boredom, discontentment and disillusionment with everything.

That said, I have to say that if I thought the housework was my "job", I'd be pretty bloody depressed too. Could she be more involved in the management your career / company? As your Domme, could she be your "manager"? You may be the earning talent but are there issues that you could bring home that would tax her female skills (staff relations, HR etc)? Is there some hobby / idea that she could get more involved in or even further education? Does she manage all the household finances and projects? That takes some doing and focus.

FLRs take a lot of input and thought from the female side too and requires huge amounts of self knowledge. Sounds to me like you are doing all the work in exchange for reluctant domination - that strikes me as unfair. FLR stands for Female LED relationship. Leadership - not abdication.



On a practical note, get a cleaner!!!

 

Submission is a gift as is Dominance... But both have responsibilities

The idea to me behind the FLR Marriage i have is that it is about a 49%/51% split. FLR is about a method of conflict resolution with a casting vote going to the Female lead. It is, in my experience and opinion still very valid to challenge and question things so that a sensible and hopefully agreed position is found. If not, that's when your submission and Her dominance takes the role of the casting vote.

i have vowed to obey my Wife/Mistress and submit to Her. i have a very high powered and stressful job and often when i come home i am very tired. i end up driving about 1000 miles a week sometimes too. i just cannot do all the house hold work too. It is unreasonable and if i maybe so bold.... it sounds like your Wife is exploiting you somewhat.

My Wife is at home full time but She does not laze about. She loves to get involved in the village life and works tirelessly in O/our garden and home to keep it tidy. i awlays cook a Sunday dinner and i always make Her breakfast in bed every day i am home. i clean the bathroom and vacuum the house too. However, if i am tired She picks up the jobs. If i am too tired to do well at work... W/we both will suffer the consequences of that. She sees that and supports me so that i can do what is needed both at work and in our D/s FLR Marriage.

Burger_01 was right with his comments too. i think you need to get some balance in the FLR D/s part of your relationship. Submission to a Woman is a gift of love to Her and Her loving Auhtority should be exercised in a responsible and sensible manner. The bottom line here is you will become resentful of Her and then things will go bad fast...

All the best

 

And that's so true... you HAVE to look after your pet/slave/submissive.

Terrible analogy coming, but if you had a horse working in the fields and you beat it non-stop to make it work harder it's going to be much less productive than if you feed it well and make sure it is rested.

That balance between what is *perceived* as 24/7 D/s Fem Led relationships and what actually works is very unique to each couple.

Both have to be happy and functioning well. I do think that your wife is not completely happy with the situation, and neither are you (and pet and I are struggling with exactly WHAT kind of 24/7 will work for us too).

I hope you do find something in each of the comments coming your way. Don't ever feel judged as to what is right and wrong. There is only ever what works for you, the both of you.

Good luck.

 

I had to laugh... pet and I had this very conversation today.

I'm a bit low because there's no play at the moment, so that leads to less play, which makes me feel more fed up, which means I don't like asking pet to do things/Domming him, so he feels neglected, and I feel guilty, so I don't feel Domme which makes me feel worse, which makes him feel worse.

Tell you what, as slave_kris and Kris' Master or read their blogs. We are like peas in a pod and all go through this. (Except they can't blame female cycles!)

Fortunately we are off to a dungeon tomorrow as a late birthday present to pet and myself, so hopefully that will break the cycle, cheer us up and we'll be back en route to 24/7 again.

Although there will be a lot of play tomorrow, there will also be a lot of conversation in the "rest periods" and we usually clear up a lot of our issues during those times.

How about a night away? Doesn't have to be a dungeon, but why not get a grandparent to have the little one(s) and have some out of the house time to relax and see where it leads...

As far as her being in complete control, that does go hand in hand with confidence, so maybe once she does go back to school you'll be surprised.

I think you're just having "normal" issues with finding a balance and keeping each other happy. As you said, everyone in a relationship has these.

 

Endless Cycles

Wow, I can really empathize with what MW said about the cycle and its dynamic, I work out of town 4 days a week and after an 87 mile drive home, the last thing I want to do is housework. I have, in the past several weeks, gotten off early and arrived home several hours before she has (we both work fulltime ) and even though I am tired, I walk in the door and take care of the things that I know she hasn't gotten around to i.e. laundry, dishes, housecleaning and such. I don't do this because she has told me to make sure it is done but. because I know that when she gets home she will have less stress on her and be in a more giving mood. We have 2 kids and I know that her dealing with them whilst I am gone is a handful to say the least, and I also know she has a hard time getting everything done she wants to get done. With that being said, I feel it is more than just my duty to take care of her, but my honor and privelege to make her happy. I have found that if I take the time to ensure her happiness, that it increases my happiness, thus reversing the endless cycle in a good way.
My intent here is not to point fingers or cast blame but maybe shed some light on what might work in your favor. I have found that taking my own thoughts/feelings out of the equation, and SHOWING my willingness to selflessly serve my wife/KH, gives her the empowerment she richly deserves.

 

Really agree with everything being discussed. Relationships - whether alternative or not - ebb and flow and there are a million distractions that take either of you off at tangents. That's why this type of relationship takes such high levels of communication to get everything out onto the table for discussion across the gender divide (a problem that Kris and slave dont have so maybe that makes it slightly easier sometimes!). Here's the fundemental issue - we don't think in the same way about sex, submission, orgasm, insecurities and self worth and you have to absolutely talk stuff through. Which brings me neatly to my observation about your post...

There's a significant element of supposition and vagueness here to my mind based on what you have posted. You are assuming / interpreting - she may be thinking something entirely different - an ideal breeding ground for resentment and misunderstanding. Levels of clarity and understanding are needed between you as much as any functioning chastity device if you are to make FemDom / FLR work. It isn't possible to base your happiness on hers if you are unclear as to what is on her mind and what actually makes her happy and feel empowered and confident (she might not even know herself at this stage).

Hell if it was easy, this forum wouldnt be as lively as it is - and marriage counsellors would go bust overnight................

 

There's a couple of lines in Celtic Queen's post that I can really identify with:

"It isn't possible to base your happiness on hers if you are unclear as to what is on her mind and what actually makes her happy and feel empowered and confident (she might not even know herself at this stage)."

It is easy for us males to forget that the lifestyle switch which for us is so obviously a good idea may actually not be as easy for our partners who, even when open and enthusiastic, need time to adjust and discover what is best for them in a new arrangement - particularly after decades of a different attitude. There is a lot of trial and error for them too.

I think from the male point of view the greatest asset we can have (along with the ability to listen) is a lot of patience. And to remember that submission is by definition on our partner's terms (which is unlikely to match the fantasies we may have about it.)

It's a long learning curve, but the benefits.......

 

How funny that I'm posting after my hubby! lol! Your situation sounds so familiar in a strange way. I may need to ramble a bit, so forgive me. There is a method to my madness. Let me start by saying, if you're only "playing around" with the chastity dom/sub thing in the bedroom, don't expect anything huge out of it OR her, especially if she really isn't in to it. If you feel she isn't respecting you, that may be why. She knows you have a selfish agenda and she's going to bargain for what she wants. As you see, it will definitely cost you. (Figure out exactly where your head is in all of this.) If, however, you take it from a different angle and make a complete commitment to it and she knows you have Her best interests at heart, (and that will mean you letting go of some control and being led outside of the bedroom) you may be surprised at how quickly she will jump on board and how well you can grow as a couple.

When hubby and I first started our flr journey, I was a bit unsure and honestly did not know if I was on the same page as he, or if I would be able to pull it off...but I was willing to try. I am not a naturally dominant person. Assertive and competitive, yes, but taking actual control over another person is a huge responsibility, especially when you love them and don't want to hurt them either emotionally or physically. We weren't looking for an all out dom/sub lifestyle and still aren't. My husband is very much an alpha male, but what he craved was guidance and a "no shit" attitude from me. He and I posted some different things (mostly he) and the wealth of feedback was incredible! I put on my big girl shoes and gave it a try. His willingness to hand over the reigns and his natural understanding for my personality made things much easier. We got off to a shaky start, but the one over-riding theme to most of the responses from this site was COMMUNICATION and doing what works for US. Since hubby and I are usually pretty good with this, we took the advice and have garnered some wonderful results because of it. I don't know if you and your wife have the ability to air your needs and concerns freely, but if you are going to undertake a lifestyle such as this you have BOTH got to be up for it and able to work out the kinks along the way. Your wife has to be a willing player. Even if she is simply willing to try, things can fall into place over time. It is a never-ending learning experience. Hubby and I both work full time. He is gone quite a bit because of his job. When he comes home, I have to work to put myself into the right frame of mind. It is the end of the week and we are both usually exhausted, but I know that as long as we both do our part to the best of our abilities, our time together will be meaningful.

For hubby and I, it is the need to take sex out of the equation in order to bond more closely on an intimate level and improve our married/family life. Yes, in order for this to happen he needs me to allow him to please me sexually and spoil me outrageously, whether it be in the bedroom, or sweet little things like chores, love notes, massages, baths, painting my toenails...he knows what works for me. He also needs me to encourage him or put him back on course when he shows "knuckle dragger" tendencies. (You can guess at what that involves.) If he were only doing housework, I would be appreciative, but it would not be attaining that level of intimacy I require for true, emotional bonding. When my cup is full, I am better equipped to fill his. He is an intelligent man and understands this about me.

I know there is a lot of talk about "topping from the bottom" on this site, which seems to be frowned upon, but it may be that you will have to lead her for a while in the direction you need her to go. She may be nervous or unsure. She may be completely in the wrong frame of mind. Hubby and I try to reassure each other constantly and give kudos for things that are working well. This way, no one is left wondering what they are supposed to do. Use your charm to encourage her, praise her when she puts her foot down on you. Thank her for it. She will soon be kicking your ass and taking names (in a good way! lol) Maybe housework isn't a big deal to her. Find out what makes her motor run. In turn, she may gain some confidence and momentum along the way, thereby giving you more and more of what YOU need. It's all about her, not you. You just get to reap the rewards when she's happy. OH...one more thing...be careful what you wish for, you just might get it in spades. ;-)

 

Read this with interest.

We are definitely in a female led relationship. My husband never denies it to anyone who I jokingly tell it to. Sometimes he rebels, and we have a little bit of a falling out, but he realises that he prefers to be #2 and I will always be #1.

I have not worked for some years - I went back into Education and got a degree. Following graduation, I have been unwell with agoraphobia, depression and anxiety attacks. I also currently has psoriasis, which we believe to be stress related. So the housework has gone down the pan - not that I did much anyway. I told my husband right at the start that if he wanted a cleaner, he needed to pay one. And we did have a cleaner for a while - and it's inevitable that we will get one again, when I am well enough to go to work.

So, he works full time, and then comes home and looks after me. He enjoys doing it, and he hates making me unhappy and the worst thing for him would be for me to be angry with him. But sometimes he tells me he resents doing it all (he should never have said he liked cooking!) and we discuss it. Trouble is, I am a lot sharper and quicker than he is, so he can "never win".

Hmm, now I feel my position has been weakened!

 

It's a well documented fact that working of just about any type has a very positive effect on depression and anxiety. i have personal experience of this as i had a serious problem with depression about 6 years ago to the point of being hospitalised. Has a doctor discussed that with You?

It's tough and i wish You well with it

 

That's very sweet of you, thank you.

I am very keen to get back to work. I was hoping that I would be working by the end of April, but the pain in my joints caused by the psoriasis has made me put that back for a little while. I am hoping to start light therapy soon, which is very time intensive - three times a week for twelve weeks, so that will also impact on working.

I did try to do some voluntary work last summer - working in a charity shop - but I was bored shitless. I need to find something where I can use my brain.

 

FLR with a stay at home wife and working full time.

I work full time and with my schedule at times I can work up to 80 hours a week and we live in a FLR also. I do understand the drain from work and then coming home and being exhausted. In our relationship I am giving a little time at home to clean up, take a shower and just breath a little before having to focus on my duties at home. We live in a 65-70% (her) 35-40% (me) authority level. Meaning she still takes care of feeding the kids and getting washes in the laundry but I am required to get the cloths folded, dishes washed, keep our room straight.

I feel if you find the level of control you want her to have over you, the energy will find itself to keep you going. Even when I am beat, I can get the energy up to give her a bath and massage knowing, hoping for that truly special time together, even if it just to take care of her.

Balancing that exhaustion and energy is a hard thing.

 

yes the work takes a lot of time and effort, you must eat vitamin and sports that would serve as a mistress

 

THIS is where it all gets tricky and beware - that you are talking fantasy AND reality. They worked when they are separate but when the lines get blurred is when it gets tricky. Everyone's experience is different but it all comes down to relationship and compromise - what works, what is possible, and how to keep it all SS and C. It becomes problematic when the fantasy takes over - it isn't real at all anymore.


But with what you ask - yes, take care of her needs and build it this way. I'm doing this same thing and she comes around. My Mistress LOVES to lead and doesn't know how to ask for it so it has to emerge - from me. Mistress loves to bite me and this is her way to emerge dominant from a sexual standpoint. Foot rubs and massage are a nice way to begin. It seems to be the experience that we (males) can provide and the warm-up takes time. A submissive has to be strong and take the lead as a submissive - it's the only way to be real.

Most important factor - communication.

i'm coming back to read this one sometime. Thanks for sharing.