Helping my wife deal with the guilt of being served

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Jehanh, Dec 17, 2020.

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  1. Jehanh
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    Jehanh Member

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    We have been in an FLR for a while now. In recent months we've increased her expectations of me, resulting in my taking on the vast majority of chores and providing regular foot and body massages. My Lady has made it clear she enjoys this treatment and wants to to be the core of my service to her.

    However, she has expressed ongoing guilt that I work full-time and am then expected to clean, do laundry and then spend much the evening give her a massage. I've assured her I am happy and I am. But she has a difficult time fully accepting that. I've found that sharing comments from others who live FLRs helps her by normalizing our collective lifestyle. So I have two interrelated requests.

    First, for any Keyholders and Dommes that are willing to respond, do you have any advice or guidance for her to help assuage her quilt?

    Second, for the men, can you share your positive feelings that come from serving in similar capacities for the Ladies in your lives? I am looking mostly for men who can reassure her that this is not only a lifestyle many practice but that the men are happy and fulfilled by it.

    Thanks in advance for your comments.
     
  2. maid julie
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    maid julie Long term member

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    Maybe a way to ease into it is to let her do the chores that see likes to or wants to do and you do the rest and if yours are done and you see that she has not got to some of hers then just do them. You know her best either just do them or if you think that might bother her then tell her that yours are done and ask if there is something that she would like for you to do or ask her specifically if you can do something that you see that needs doing. This will help ease her in to it
     
  3. Guest 2684
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    Guest 2684 Long term member

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    I woukd not change anything about my life I love taking care of things around the house I work full time as well. Helping my wife is the only thing that matters.
     
  4. King Hippo
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    King Hippo Long term member

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    Sometime one who is in control of a FLR determine they want to do some things or "chores" on their own. It is their choosing even though their sub could handle these task. Sometimes people enjoy doing a little of the work themselves.

    Whatever makes her happy man, you don't need to do everything.
     
  5. MissyB
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    MissyB Long term member

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    Like several have said, talk with her about tit. She may want to do some things, still, around the house. So start by striving for more balance. At least in the beginning. If she sees you continue to be happy, doing chores and paying attention to her, she may transfer more of the chores that she does to you without the associated guilt. I also wonder if she feels you might burn out doing it all, thus endangering the FLR. Now it is exciting to do chores, and give her special attention. After a few months, resentment might creep in. So, by slowly building the things you do, she can judge if it is a sustainable dynamic. Good luck and enjoy.
     
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  6. tecolote
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    tecolote Long term member

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    I'm kinda new at this, but I get a very real and selfish good feeling from serving my Goddess. Especially if she allows me to do anything related to her person, such as massage, hair, nails, etc. It's good enough that she could easily treat such services as a reward that she might grant me for doing some of the less personal services. But don't tell her that I said that.
     
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  7. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    Is it possible you may have two issues in play?

    It is common for a woman starting out, to feel some guilt. Her partner does a lot of work (assuming you are service oriented), and is allowed little personal pleasure while she may receive a great deal. She might take some time to adjust to the new balance.

    It might also take some time to rebalance your domestic activities. My wife enjoys cooking. She cooks, I clean, and prepare leftovers. Sometimes she enjoys doing some household work, it can be a good way to relieve stress. In the summer I have a lot more outdoor work to do so she picks up some of the house chores.

    It takes time and discussion. It sounds like you are on a good path.
     
  8. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    yes that rigt. my Mistress dose the car driving. i wud like to drive a bit tho but She wont let me now. i clean it tho and start it up in the mornings.
     
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  9. SubSnuggler
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    SubSnuggler Owned by Mistress2and4you

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    FLR isn't about doing every chore for your superior Female, it's about doing what SHE wants you to do. If she is uncomfortable with things YOU are doing it wrong. Especially if you are just starting out in this journey you have to stay at a pace she wants, not what you want.

    Relax, do what you are told, and put that energy into other things, like being curled up at her feet while she relaxes on the couch and watches a movie. A secret only the pro's tell ya is that a FLR marriage looks a lot like any other marriage, most of the time.
     
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  10. Jehanh
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    Jehanh Member

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    Thanks to those of you who've answered. I appreciate you doing so. But in reading responses I fear I may have not been sufficiently clear. My wife does not want to reduce my chores and neither do I. We both agree this is the right arrangement. I just worry that she cannot fully enjoy it because of lingering guilt. Perhaps think of it as being at a party with drawings for prizes. One can win and be happy but have that happiness tempered because others might be sad they did not win. She likes what we have but still worries about me.

    I, of course, want her to fully enjoy her position and authority since her happiness is my driving force. I've assured her I am happy in our arrangement. She did not ask for me to do this but I am hoping hearing about other couples who are also happy in this arrangement, particularly longer-term, will help her.

    Thanks for your thoughts and comments.
     
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  11. winstonmacgregor
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    winstonmacgregor Long term member

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    Maybe she feels like you constantly working and doing chores is causing you to not bring the best version of yourself to the relationship. As if it were a distraction. Your doing household chores in this way is a fetish it seems and maybe she is letting you do it because she feels like it is what you need. Maybe be willing to give it up. Ask her for her honesty and what she truly wants and respect her decision
     
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  12. Chaste J.
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    Chaste J. Long term member

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    Not all women want a full on FLR. Mrs Chaste likes to look after her man and look after the house. That doesn't mean that she waits on me all the time either. I do get "summoned" and given my orders at times and when it comes to sex she is most definitely in charge. But otherwise we are fairly "traditional" I suppose. Or maybe flr, without capital letters. I do think that if it was just the two of us at home she might let her more dominant side show through!
     
  13. Ma'at Rebekah
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    Ma'at Rebekah Long term member

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    quilt, an old friend. it is part of our culture. the xx is made to complete the xy, it says so in the bible. it is a heavy burden difficult to carry almost impossible to shed. there are so many paradigms of xx servitude in our society that guilt creeps in from all angles. no sooner than you think you got a handle on one another creeps in. at first for me a major part of our flr was learning to accept that my desires can and are more important than his. it was not easy and it took quite a bit of time getting use to the new lifestyle. one of the important things is i needed to feel useful. being in charge did not mean i could not do the dishes it meant i did not have to do them. it was not expected of me and he showed real appreciation when i did help out. if your wife wants to help out, let her, thank her and continue with your chores. it helps with the quilt and eventually she will find her place without quilt in this new lifestyle.
     
  14. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    It simply takes time to create a new normal. She’s probably watching you closely for any negatives cues and she will relax into the new normal as time goes by. Don’t keep bringing it up or she will read that as “something isn’t right”, which will prolong her embracing the new normal.

    Do the things you are committed to doing and always look for other things you can do to make her happy. If she see’s you are struggling to keep your stuff together, she will question that you’ve maybe taken on too much.
     
  15. MistressAMA
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    Well, as a domme with an active service sub husband I can say how much i now appreciate and truly enjoy the services. We have been in an FLR for 15+ years. We didn't start with everything we built up to it. I too had guilt and it took time to adjust. I can now sit and knit, watch tv, read a book, or even go to bed early knowing the housework will be done and NOT by me!!!! I had to correct, and reteach some duties and that is part of the FUN!!! Tell don't do. I can't even remember the last time i did laundry. So much fun. She will get to the no guilt place. Remind her this is your place to do, you are hers and that means she should be treated like the Queen she is. Bring her a glass of wine on a tray, be her footstool, give her the remote and put your head down.
     
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  16. Jehanh
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    Jehanh Member

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    Thank you MistressAMA. Your comments are very helpful. I shared them with my wife and she too appreciated your insights.
     
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  17. Jeffroid
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    Jeffroid Active member

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    We've been in a FLR dynamic since we first married 25 yrs ago and only recently realized that's outside the "norm" a little. My advice may not pertain to you both but it's just don't get too hung up over labels or duties or any of that. Do what feels comfortable to you both...especially her...and let it flow organically vs preconceived expectations. Hope that helps
     
  18. madams-sissysub
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    As this topic was titled as asking help for your wife, I asked my wife, my madam what I should put, madam simply said remember we are there to please and serve and obey, do what feels best for you.
     
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  19. Jehanh
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    Jehanh Member

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    Excellent approach. Wife applauds it.
     
  20. SheisaBitch
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    I would point out that she can do any of the tasks around the home or else where that she chooses to do. They are all her tasks. She allows you to serve her by doing them. If she chooses to do the dishes it is her right to do so. In fact I would suggest to her that if you don’t agree you can sit on a chair and watch her do the dishes while you attempt to explain why she can’t do anything she desires to do.
     
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  21. SheisaBitch
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    SheisaBitch Member

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    The follow up is that when she realizes that she can do the tasks she wants it may be easier for her to give them to you to do for her.

    or she may choose to do some things so that you have more time available to serve her in other ways. Such as preparing her bubble bath
     
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