New kh looking for good advice

I will try to help

Wow that is allot said. I will try to give form my perspective. But there are others who are better at dealing with this. The part that you are missing is the rules. You two have to actually build a contract that you both agree on. Put it in writing. And yes you can both change the rules if you both agree. I am going to tell you that the transition of not being able to masturbate is is hard!!
You must hide the key. not in your purse but maybe somewhere he can't find it. How about in your feminine products. He won't look there.
I personally have felt very aggravated when not released. The best thing you can do to help the situation is have him do you orally and not let him cum. If you keep it on the sexual nature and not the real life it will help him in his mind. Then as you both progress he will give in more and more. Truly that is what he want to do but it is a gradual progression. The same can be said about you. You are not naturally the Dom type but over time you are liking the benefits. Right!

OH yea one last thing TEASE, TEASE, and TEASE. The more you tease the more compliant he will be. Wear the outfits and heels!
Trust me!

 

I know a great many more postings from Key holders with the guidance you're looking for are coming, but in the mean time let me mention that some people may find time limits useful to help with this.

By time limits I mean you both agree to X days of lock up. But you being the dominant partner, can add days at your discretion for infractions such as throwing a tantrum. If he knows he is in for a week, but chucks a wobbly because you've asked him to do something he doesn't like.. then tell him he can get over it and do the job, or add 3 days to his lock up.

Best of luck, sounds like you're at the most difficult part

 

Be a little more hard ass!

Mrs Jones:
Take charge and deal with this little mishap accordingly. Be positive in terms of your punishment and make him pay it in ways that will benefit both of you. Tease him, keep him locked up, and deny him orgasm. Increase his household chores but do not over due it. Insofar as the key is concerned, get some type of key safe that he can not get into. That way, you will not have to worry about him finding it. Additionally, it will let him know that the key is secure and that he is not getting unlocked until you decide to get that key back out.

Be realistic in your punishments! Making him wear your thong panties? Unless he has expressed interest in cross dressing, this went a little too far. You guys sound like you are in a pretty regular relationship with kids and all. I am in the same situation. My wife / Key holder is very vanilla yet firm when it comes to me getting unlocked. Keep him locked up, tease him, and reap the benefits of it. If you really want to punish him, refuse to be his key holder and make him go without chastity for while. I had this done to me one time and I pretty much begged my wife to lock me back up. Have fun and be flirty while paying attention to his locked up state. He really screwed up by doing what he did, however, you are partially to blame. Take charge, keep that key locked up, and do not ever let that happen again.

Your role as a key holder is an important one. Men will screw up and cheat if allowed to do so. The guidance he wants is loving guidance in the form of strict chastity.

 

Oh my goodness.... this is all soooooooooooooo familiar!

It is such a long journey and it's not an easy one. I just think I've got the hang of it (after 3 years) and I go total Switch, play submissive in front of an audience on Saturday night and feel like I'm back at square one.

I'm not a Twue Domme (you know, 24/7, leather, whip, trampling, etc) I'm a real life woman who was somehow co-erced into doing this for the love of my life!

Don't get me wrong, I love it, I just have my flipouts, and that's after 3 years, so don't worry, there is no right and wrong.

As for treating him like a child - you have to! Think about the techniques for disciplining children and use them on him, and vice versa.

The setting of tasks is difficult, and you are right in what you did. He should have come to you and said "I cannot do this in the alloted time, it's not possible" and worked it out. The problem with that is in the early stages he will forget that he can still ask you questions and ask for reasonable extensions, etc if he's finding it hard to cope.

Also, they struggle like hell in the early days to really REALLY push you to the edge.

I don't think they mean to do it, but it's in their nature. pet is stil a pain in the butt, but I do now how to control him a bit better now.

You both need to realise you cannot do this "immediately" and you do need to "break roles" and talk as a married couple if there is a problem. This feels horrible and like it's breaking with the fantasy, but if you don't do it now, you can't move forward, there will be too much resentment.

I personally don't think the panties was a step too far. It wasn't visible humiliation, it took him down a peg and reminded him of his place. You didn't make him go out with lipstick on or anything that would threaten him in public or in front of the children.

If the struggle goes on, I think you do have to withdraw and say "the tantrums are damaging to our homelife, we CANNOT do this if you cannot find another way to communicate your anger/distress"

It is a learning process. Don't be too hard on yourselves, and don't believe everything you read on the net/in books about the FemDom lifestyle. Just find the way that works for YOU!

 

Oh - and another thought on "child discipline" techniques. Remember, praise works better than punishment!

Baby steps :butterfly:

 

Hello Mrs Jones, welcome to the forum!

It's really tough isn't it. What starts out as bedroom play ends up being some kind of 24/7 lifestyle choice when all you wanted was an easy life!

In my view, that transition from play to full time KH is one of the biggest challenges and when first faced with it, I backed down and said I didn't want to do chastity full time as it felt contrived somehow and brought kink into every aspect of our lives. We went back to only putting his cage on when he went away over night on business and if you follow some of my posts, you'll get the full story.

My mind was changed when I saw how relieved it made my husband, how much happier he seemed to be and how much more of an effort he started to make when locked up. That's only the first step though, keeping it up is much more difficult and I imagine that you are perhaps feeling the burden of what my hub calls "ownership". Suddenly, the boundaries and expected good behaviour appear to be YOUR responsibility which can be very tiresome and trying. You may even be thinking "why the hell is this suddenly all MY job and you are just abdicating?"

Here's my view, based on our particular set of circumstances. I'm not a "lifestyle" Domme and have no wish to run a stable of slaves (although that might get my garden and DIY projects done a lot quicker!!). In pretty much every aspect, we are a outwardly respectable married couple who dress like everyone else - no visible piercings, statement tattoos or collars. We haven't been married very long and are both in our forties. Neither of us have had any real D/s experience before so have no pre conceived ideas in this area . We do have a good healthy sex life (as you would expect for a couple married less than a year) and are best friends as well as lovers. Above all else, we have always been able to sit and talk about pretty much anything and I consider us to be very lucky in this respect.

Personality wise, we are definately both alphas and it has always been obvious to me that hub has been used to getting his own way in all other previous relationships. For my own part, I have always led my own life and see absolutely no reason to tolerate bratty behaviour or bullying in anyway from anyone. Very early on, we realised that we would need to have a set of guidelines if our alpha-alpha relationship was going to work so we started to research on female led relationships which we have tried to follow as a broad set of rules. Sometimes, it takes a lot of hard work and I try my best to resist the temptation to just steam roller him as I am supposed to have the casting vote. Chastity has been the last brick to fall into place and probably the most significant. What I guess I'm trying to say is that if you have gone straight into chastity as a punishment, then you as KH and general boss, perhaps haven't given yourself enough time to grow into the role. It can seem a bit overwhelming - especially if you are not a naturally dominant person and suddenly are thrown all the reigns to the marriage mid gallop. There are a lot of good books (and quite a few crap ones!) that you might give yourself time and space to read (available on Amazon). Your contract (posted earlier) is a great document but of itself, is not enough to concrete your husband's submission to you. It's clear from his transgression - and deceit - that more work needs to be done. If you feel further research is a good idea, make him buy the books you specify for you, you don't need to share them though as they are for you to form your own specific and informed ideas that work for you. He'll see the benefits soon enough.

I posted earlier about punishment and discipline. This isn't all floggers, paddles and nipple clamps, it's more subtle than that and I can guarantee that as a woman, you have a myriad of skills at your finger tips to keep re enforcing his submission rather than the more exhausting work of constantly exerting your dominance (that's insecure male behaviour!!) Panty wearing (in my view) is one of many good ways that can range from "yes, I know you hate cleaning the bathroom but from now on it's your job" to making him hand over his wage cheque each month and giving him pocket money back. None of this is punishment, simply re enforcement and you do need to be strong and not back down or even take pity - this is where you need to think like a man, not empathise like a woman. Now here's an interesting observation that I made a little while ago - chastity seems to sexualise every task given to a submissive male and there are other toys out there that enhance this still further. I invested in a leather harness with a cock ring and butt plug - if I am going to give my hub a task that I know he otherwise hates (particularly DIY) this is how I make it fun for him. Think of it in terms of getting your kids to eat their greens by making it into a game!!!! Your hub may not like the idea of harnesses etc so you need to find other ways to sexualise. If I want to re enforce hub's submission, I have him wear a collar round the house for a while. You may need to be more subtle with kids about but - here is the mind bender - this IS what he wants. He wants to submit to you, it's very clear from his posts. That doesn't mean that you have to do all the changing into some mean fantasy bitch who chains him up each night - it means that he has to adapt his behaviour to you as you are the person he wants to serve. This takes time, patience and actually, a surprising amount of reading up. Whilst this forum is great for getting to grips with all the practicalities of chastity, I'd suggest you look at some of the Female Led Relationship info out there written by women for women. Sometimes, some of the kinkier aspects discussed on here can be a bit scary and challenging but I liken it walking into a men's locker room in some respects. Some very private, intimate stuff is discussed in very forthright terms but don't let this put you off, it's all research at the end of the day.

You are doing everything right by the sounds of things. He needs to change , evolve, adapt to become the man he wants to be to serve you. Sure high heels, teasing and playing is important to keep up the male motivation(simple folks aren't they) but if he just sees punishment as "playtime" then he simply doesn't fear it enough and that's where you may need to get tougher and a little bit creatively wicked. I love my hub more than anything else in the world but by God, if he threw violent tantrums, broke furniture and lied to me there would be no skin left on his arse! I would then cuddle him afterwards, tell him I love him and then move on leaving the punishment to do the work of what most couples endure after bad behaviour- weeks of sulky resentment and acres of cold bed space between you! Life is too short. In the main, men really fear protracted conflict and arguments. Given the choice they would - in the vast majority of cases prefer to have issues dealt with firmly and effectively and then move on. This is counter to the typical female behaviour of recycling arguments so changes are needed here too quite often.

I'm not convinced of extending the lock up time being the correct way to punish a man in chastity. Chastity is one of the mechanisms of submission rather than a punishment in itself. Even if your man is behaving like an angel at this early stage, let him out, make love to him, have a lovely passionate weekend with the kids at the folks then lock him straight back up. Either hide that key well or even better, get a lovely long chain for it and display it tantalisingly so he can see it every day nestled in your cleavage. Never, ever underestimate the power that a man's dick has over him. It's absolutely alien to the female psyche as a concept and I had a really difficult time grasping it myself until I saw the change when chastity removed the ability to get his "fix".

I do wish you both luck!


Just reading Ms W's post and its funny how we both likened it to child training. They do say that the difference between men and Government Bonds is that Bonds mature :-D

 

Mrs. Jones, welcome to our group. We are all trying to figure out how we manage our lifestyle no matter how long we've lived it. The advice you've been given all sounds good to me. But, I thought I would add a few thoughts from a "big" picture perspective.

First of all, as we all have found out when we entered this lifestyle, transitioning from fantasy to reality is a very difficult step. You and your husband will learn what needs to stay fantasy. Once you both admit to yourselves that some things are better left fantasy, then everything you try is just an experiement and, in my mind, takes the pressure off. You try it and if it works, great! If not, then you know you can't do that particular thing anymore and you move on.

Before any couple can take on FemDomme or male chastity, you have to have very open communication and a strong sense of commitment in your relationship. I know this sounds silly, but you both must be completely committed to one another. That's the only way the both of you can try this lifestyle without worry that what you are doing will become a threat to your relationship.

Regarding your hubby tossing the chair, this sounds serious to me. Obviously, he was very emotional. You cannot allow anger to become a response to difficult situations. Emotions can get intense with male chastity and submission. He was losing control of his orgasms and his weekend activity. At this point, his emotions got the better of him as he tried to reassert his independence. My suggestion here is to introduce an "escape" valve for him. Give him a "safe" word. If he ever feels that emotional again about anything in your lifestyle, rather than react poorly, he must use the safe word. At that point, you agree to end the activity (take off chastity, stop his slave duties, whatever it is) and then go do something fun like dinner out. Have a conversation about it at a time when you are both calmer.

At the end of the day, we are all searching for a lifestyle that makes us feel happy and fulfilled. What we do to achieve that goal should not become destructive to the relationship.

Good luck!

marcus

 

Although I am not a keyholder, please allow me to comment anyway. As others have commented, getting started with chastity is a learning experience.

The recent behavior of rrjones, like taking your key to secretly masturbate or throwing a tantrum, looks to me like what the psychologists call reactance. This is a normal reaction to loss of freedom, and will go away when he has accepted his loss of freedom and gotten used to living without the freedoms he wants you to take away from him.

It is important that you talk about it. And it may also be helpful for him to know that it is a natural reaction which is counter-productive to what he really wants.

 

Trying not to be judgemental... after all i don't know either of party....

Mrs Jones, that is a very calm and well though out post. i would like to make the following comments on a few parts of your post:

If he is truly sorry for his infidelity and his gross error of unlocking himself, he would not behave like this. he does not get to decide 'which things he likes' he does what he is told, he needs to SUMBIT it would seem that he is not. Submission means accpeting Female Authority over him, it seems to me he has no intention of doing this. he is exhibiting classic topping from the bottom behaviour. All the time it suits him, he will wear a chastity device...until he needs to jerk off... :jerkit:

that is NOT submission to the Loving Female Authority You are giving him. i am an alpha male in every sense of the word. i find it hard to submit, but i DO IT. i hold my tongue in check and keep sight of the fact that it makes Her happy for me to do the right thing for Her. i certainly don't throw and break chairs, that is just male bullying violent behaviour and any real man with real balls would never use that physical advantage over someone they love.

By doing things i dislike, however much, i am SHOWING my Mistress the following:

• i respect Her
• i am sorry for any upset i have caused Her
• i am taking my punishment like an adult male and not a petulant 7 year old 'baby'

So..... the KH/Domme/Mistress (whatever handle You like), is making the sacrafice? in the UK we have an expression FUBAR... (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition), i believe it is present in some parts of the USA?... and now You are angry, so he has added further to Your upset and displeasure. Is he serious??? i suggest not.

i do not think you are looking at this all wrong at all, in fact You sound like a well balanced, artculate and charming Woman that has all the makings of a wonderful KH and Female Authority figure. om the other hand Your husband seems to have this all wrong.

my suggestion of punishment.

tahe his device away, smash it and tell him when he is ready to SUBMIT and be truly accepting of Your auhtority he can go and buy a new device, loxk himself up and hand You the key. You should then place that key in a safe deposit box at the bank.

All the best and all the power to You.

Mrs Jones ROCKS!

:sign0011:

 

It seems that I am the "whipping boy" today. Don't get me wrong, I understand both what I did is wrong and that I have absolutely no excuse for it either. I feel more guilt and remorse for my actions than you can fathom and I want to do everything I can to make this right with my wife/KH. This was a serious breech of trust and trust is the reason I suggested the CD to her in the first place. Cockislocked, I would be curious to know if you ever had a point in your chastity female led relationship that you had done something so bad, that your KH had to correct the action. Truth or fiction, I have a hard time believing that once any man has made the decision to be chaste and or in a female led relationship that he can be perfect at it from day one. I know that in the end I am only human and that even though this was my idea, I am having to swallow down 41 years of ingrained behaviour. With that being said, I truly want and need my wife/KH help in making me into a better husband/man, it isn't going to be easy but rome wasn't built in a day either.

 

Reading cockislocked's post also made me think of something else.

Not everyone who wants to be in chastity is a submissive! That may sound contradictory, but pet is much more into the kink/bondage and tease/denial than he is in to submitting to me.

You may need to dig deeper into why your other half wants to be in chastity.

pet is never going to submit like some others can. Although my happiness is very important (and always has been, like in any good relationship) he does not think about serving me alllll the time. But I'm a big girl, if I want something, I can ask for it!

I need to go and read some of rrjones posts and catch up.

 

hi i can sympathise with both parties views here and although you have made a mistake (and lets be truthful here who hasn,t?)i really hope your wife can see past it and help you make amends. It is all to easy to fantasise about the dream of submitting totally to someone but the reality is much harder once the initial game has started and some of the realities kick in. Sit down with your wife and make a proper plan of what you are hoping to achieve with a sensible time scale to implement it, take all the advice you can gain from others who have been and are still in the same position as you are in and most importantly take it slowly. There is no point rushing something that hopefully will last a lifetime and give countless hours of pleasure to you both if done correctly.

 

Ok - I've missed a hell of a lot of this story, and now I'm reasonably caught up.

I would say that there is a lot of work to be done between you and your wife and your relationship that cannot be solved/helped by chastity.

For you to have cheated on her (the reason for being in chastity now) and THEN to cheat on her again (by unlocking and masturbating) after you've talked her into locking you up, shows to me that there is a lot more that needs sorting out.

You both say that you want chastity to "make you a better husband/father" and I'm just not sure that it's such a magical device.

You have to do that yourself, not by being "forced", otherwise I can only see you feeling resentful.

Some people here will seem harsh towards you, others will be supportive (I've been on the end of both more times than I care to count). But that's what we get for putting our life out there... you give other people the right to tell you what they think.

Keep us informed, and good luck :butterfly:

 

Mistress, the CD is not the only way we are sorting things out. We have been in marriage counseling for about 6 months now. We, as a couple, are trying to work out both what led up to the affair and how to deal with the aftermath. I have alot of work to do and want to make it easier for my wife/KH to trust and to cope with my transgressions. So I offered the CD as a viable option to ease her mind, and when we both noticed a change in my demeanor whilst locked it also occurred to us that maybe we could also use the tease/denial as a tool to curb unwanted behaviour from me. I am the first to admit that this isn;t as easy as I thought it was going to be. I seem to be lacking in the willpower department but, I do have an honest need to be a better person for her, she deserves that. If it takes her "taking charge" of what makes me, me, to guide me in that process then I am all for it.










I do not feel forced into chastity for it was my own decision but rather to have it enforced.

 

I was not aware that the reason for chastity in this case was infidelity, until I read Mistress Watchfuls last post here.

Fidelity cannot really be forced with a chastity device. If a wife puts her man into a chastity device because of infidelity, the chastity device will become a constant reminder of the past infidelity. And there will always be a fear of new infidelity when the chastity device is removed, as the fidelity was forced. Infidelity is better treated by honest communication and counseling; by both partners working to rebuild the broken trust.

Having said that, there are also advantages to chastity that I think you have already found. When a man is locked in chastity by his partner, all his sexual energy is directed towards his partner. This can give renewed intimacy in a relationship, and be beneficial for both.

But please do not think that chastity can help to heal the wounds in a relationship after infidelity.

 

I don't think it will help the situation any bringing up rrjones's infidelity. The thread already seems to be casting him in a negative light, one perhaps he should not have read (does it prevent/inhibit his keyholder from being open and honest when asking for help?) but may cause further upset.

I'm guessing chastity is not a preventative measure but is something he wants as an excuse to show the time and affection to his wife that he feels guilty about not providing in the past. Because men are sexually focused we would hope that the attention is almost entirely of that nature, getting a list of chores is probably not what was expected or hoped for.

My recommendation and rrjones look away now....



Start with some tease and denial, give him a hand job taking him to the edge a number of times then stop. Tell him the chores he must complete before he gets the completion. Depending on how he is during this time determines whether he gets a ruined orgasm or more. But remind him why he is being rewarded.

For out bursts there could always be a naughty step!

Holly x

 

More mistakes than i could list, but none that i lost my temper and behaved in a violent or threatening way.... it is BLOODY difficult. my worst violation was just recently. i had been let out overnight and had to travel early the next morning. i was up very early, a little tired and i did not put my cage on and went out without it on..... BIG mistake REALLY bad... i won't go into details but my Mistress made it very clear that it must never happen again, so no not perfect, far from it, but i have learnt to submit. i suggest you need to learn that you must submit. Try it.... it is not easy but it will make you a better man i promise because for the first time you will consistently put your Wife first all the time everytime, and you will love the feeling of knowing you are making a diiference in Her life that will be huge.

Best of luck

 

Mrs Jones and rrjones, thank you so much for your responses, it allows people to see a little deeper into what's going on.

pet and I (pet especially) have been subjected to those "negative views" on many occassions. Usually when one or the other has written from a highly emotional standpoint after something went wrong.

The thing is, between typing that blazing post and coming back to see 10 passionate responses, we've usually sorted things out, had a cup of tea, and usually a bit of kinky play. We go back to the thread and go "holy cow, it wasn't that bad"!

If you can take what people say here and use the bits that relate to what you are going through then you are doing marvellously. Ignore the bits where you find yourself saying "it wasn't like that" or "they really don't know us".

Now that the story unfolds further it becomes easier to see that you are obviously dedicated to make this work from ALL the angles, so chastity will be a great tool for both of you to focus on what you need to do.

You do seem to have got a grip on reality... something many people in this lifestyle don't have!

So back to the original questions regarding Mrs Jones need for help on dealing with (sorry rrjones) a complete brat (I have one living with me too!)

Patience and communication.

pet would often say in the early days "that punishment didn't fit the crime". It has taken him time to realise it's not up to him to decide. If he did something that hurt/angered me, then I'm sorry but I have the right to choose the scale of punishment... he needs to learn to think ahead.

Have you seen the marble game? You don't have to do it "full on" but it might help you to find a balance between praise and punishment, and ease your way into the FemDom lifestyle. It takes a lot of pressure off the Domme as well, because all decisions are made by luck, and your sub has to work harder to increase his chances. The responsibility is pretty much shifted from Domme to sub.

I do hope you will stick around, I know it can be hard to read criticisms, but I think you handled it very gracefully, both of you.

 

Yes this is a difficult one. My initial suggestion is to tell him you want to think things over. tell him you need a week or so and he will remain locked continuously for that time. I wholly agree with getting a safe for the key. Then when you've decided what you want for yourself, tell him that's how it's going to be. No topping from the bottom: you make the rules. Take him at his word for what he says he wants, but only give him what you want to give him.

Then see where the journey leads you.

LOL

 

Well said!!!