Joker's needed.

Little Susie came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mom, "Frankie showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before her mom could say a word, Susie went on to say "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a smile, Susies mom asked, "Really small was it?" "NO, salty!! " Her mom fainted.

 

A father and his 14 year old son were at a drug store when
the son noticed a pack of condoms on the shelf. "Hey Dad,
what are these?" "Well son, those are used for safe sex"

The son picks up the package and asks, "why are there 3 in
here?" The father replies, "these are for High School
students - one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for
Sunday".

Then the son picks up a package of 6 and asks why there are
six in there. The dad answers, "those are for college
students - two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for
Sunday".

Finally the son sees a package of 12 and wants to know why
there are twelve in the box. His dad simply says, "that is
for chastised men, one for January, one February...."

 

You're so sweet, Tiff. This will do me a world of good as well. You're a gem

 

Good one!

 

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is
idling smoothly. She says, What's the story?
He replies, Just crap in the carburetor
She asks, How often do I have to do that?

 

Black Testicles!!!

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,

still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir.

I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,

she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly

pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his

penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,

lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure

you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,

smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen

very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

 

After the divorce became final, a middle aged man goes out and buys himself a corvette.

After a few minutes of getting used to how it handled, he takes it on the freeway and decides to see how this baby handles and brings it up to 80 MPH, 90 MPH and in no time at all, having an open road, he brings it up to 120 MPH.

moments later he see blue lights flashing in the rear view mirror and momentarily starts to slow down and thinks to himself 'this is a vette,...' and floors the gas pedal.

140, 150, 160 MPH the blue lights fading in the distance - and then he realizes 'What am I doing,... they have radios, helicopters, nail strips,...' and pulls over to wait for the cop.

Moments later the state trouper pulls up behind him, get out of the cat and approaches the vette.

The Trouper then says to the man "If you tell me a reason for what you just did I haven't heard before, I'll let you off."

"Well,..." the guy starts, "A few months ago my wife ran off with a state trouper officer,... and I thought you were bringing her back!"

The cop said "Have a good day sir,..."

 

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket
Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie . What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dumby,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling .

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, who can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

 

:sign0004: laughing my ass off ...a blonde is talking to her mom and the mother said how was you're weekend dear
the blonde said it was horrible i had a very bad horse riding episode ,the mom said omg what happened ,she said i was riding and fell off the horse and my foot was still cought in the stirrup ,mom said omg how did ya get loose ,she said the walmart greeter pulled the plug :sign0094:

 

At the risk of hearing all about this...here are a few Blonde Jokes that were recently sent to Me.

DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland .* They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.* They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
*Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other,'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'* The other blonde turns and says'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?'

SPEEDINGTICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.*She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.'Impossible!'*says the doctor.. 'Show me.'*The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.*The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?*'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'*'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.

'KNITTING**
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'*'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'*The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'*The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'* The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.*To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

 

This thread is perfect, what a way to start the day, reading this is a wonderful way to start each day with a smile on your face!!
If I can think of a good joke I will add to the mix, otherwise I'll just sit here, drink My coffee and enjoy.
Love you tinkerbell,

Mistress Michelle

 

Ok.. Just had to share this one.....
Four friends spend weeks planning perfect girl's getaway trip- Shopping, casinos, massages, facials...

Two days before the group is to leave, Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch, my husband came up behind me, put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who?'" I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over....
On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes. He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want.

So,. here I am...."

 

sorry

 

Hard times...

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.'

 

:haha4:

 

Ok - Another one...

Luigi (the father) says to his son "I want you to marry the girl of my choosing!"

The son says, 'I will choose my own bride!!!'

Luigi says, 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter.'

Son answers, 'Well, in that case . . . ok.'


Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates and says, 'I have a husband for your daughter...'

Bill Gates answers, 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!'

Luigi says, 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank'

Bill Gates answers, 'Ah, in that case . . ok.'


Finally, Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank. Luigi says, 'I have a young man to recommend as a vice-president.'

The president answers, 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!'

Luigi says, 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'

The president answers: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok.'


And that, my friends, is how Italians do business!

 

Two guys were out splitting wood when the guys cat jumps across the stump they were splitting the wood on just as the guy brought down the ax to split a piece. He missed the wood and cut the cats tail clean off. His friend picks up the tail, runs in the house puts it in a plastic bag and places it in the freezer. His friend comes in right behind him to call the vet. He's vet says we are way to busy to take that on today our waiting room is full. They gave him the number of another vet. He called there. They told him the vet was away delivering a racehorse foal. They gave him the number of the last vet in town and said to call him. They told him the vet was full as a tractor trailer full of chickens had overturned and he was out helping to save the chickens.

Distraught he turns to his buddy and says what am I supposed to do now. His buddy says well there's always Wal-Mart. WAL-MART!!!!! WHAT THE HELL CAN WAL-MART DO???!!!! He calmly replies, well they are the biggest retailer in the U.S.


MM's sweetpea

 

Two atoms were sitting down and one was really sad. His mate said wassup buddy and the first atom said I have lost an electron. His mate says wow are you sure? Yeah he replied.... I'm positive

 

Two psychiatrists are at a convention and are discussing freudian slips. The first shrink says ' ya know, on the way here at the airport I was buying my ticket and the girl had the most fabulous boobs and I said could I have ticket to titsburgh!'. The second shrink says ' I had a similar one at breakfast, I said to my wife pass the butter please'. The first shrink pauses and then says ' that's nit a Freudian slip'. The second shrink says ' yes it is, I meant to say. You fucking bitch you've ruined my life...'

 

OK I love this tread

Here is a couple

I'm always amused by foreigners who don't speak the language very well. The other day a chinese hooker who wanted to applaud me for my performance told me "I give you Clap"

While picking up a perscription for viergra the girl behind the counter said " Her is your prescription. Should you experiance an erection lasting more than 4 hours, This is my number."

 

:tumbleweed: You know you're old when
You're dreams are dry ,and you're farts are wet :anim_63: