Our new endeavour

In October of 2019, my wife and I were on the brink of divorce, so I figure now would be a good time to start a journal.

Back then, I had become distant and cold. I didn't tell my wife I loved her ever. We never really touched each other. Sex was once a week or less and had become mechanical and perfunctory. One day she looked at me over dinner and said, "do you love me anymore?" My silence spoke volumes what my mouth could not.

That night, we had a conversation; it wasn't even heated. In the past, a topic of this nature would have undoubtedly exploded into a knock-down-drag-out argument. But all the passion was gone. We agreed that we would ask a family member to take the kids for a weekend and that we would rent a hotel room to sort things out.

So we took a couple days and talked and talked and talked. I told my wife I had become resentful of her. I felt like I had sacrificed for her career and that I was always taking a back seat. Where we live, who goes to school, who has what responsibilities, etc. It all seemed one-sided to me.

She listened to me and let me get things off my chest. She told me that she had some things she needed to talk about too but that it would need to wait because she didn't want to turn the conversation into an endless string of "me too". We talked. We cried. We left feeling emotionally raw and exhausted but like there was a path forward.

Unbeknownst to me, she had made a decision that weekend. She was going to give our marriage 1 year and then make a decision about whether to divorce me or not.

I was at a place of general indifference about the future of our marriage. I felt OK with whichever way it went. I started seeing a therapist of my own accord to help me sort through things. Ultimately I decided that I had a responsibility to my children to make another effort at repairing my marriage. I wasn't going to "stay in it for the kids" long-term, but I had to try to see if we could turn things around.

Over the next 9 months, we had many conversations and I was able to work through many of my resentments toward my wife.

About 3 months ago, I sat down with my wife and told her what I wanted our sex life to be like. This was something she had asked repeatedly of me in the past and I never had a real answer. I brought up chastity.

She was overwhelmed by what I said and told me she needed time to think things over. I was disappointed, but accepted that I had just dropped a bombshell on her.

A couple of days later, I had a revelation.

I had presented chastity as an activity "for her" but in reality, it was for me. I had just put new window dressings on my selfishness, nothing more. I had a Eureka moment where I realized that I had been self-centered for our entire relationship.

I had a follow-up conversation with her about this. I told her that she did not need to engage in chastity play with me, but that I only wanted to orgasm once a week. I told her I wanted to pleasure her as many times in a week as she wanted.

I started doing as much of the house work as I physically could so that she could spend her time doing more enjoyable things. I started to go out of my way to do little nice things for her. I turned down the bed for her. I gave her massages and back rubs. I stopped bristling at her when she asked me to do something or corrected my parenting with the kids. She started feeling more comfortable giving me "feedback" or criticism knowing I wouldn't get defensive.

I loved this new way of life. It felt amazing to focus my energy on her. I loved pleasing her.

Then, about 5 weeks ago, she told me to "buy a chastity device" and so we have started down the chastity path now as well. She has not followed my chastity script at all and is writing her own narrative; I could not be happier about that.

She told me about her 1 year decision period and that she was pleased with the changes I had made in our marriage.

 

It definitely helps that my wife is a psychologist. Without her patience, insight, and grit, I think things would have ended differently.

I couldn't agree more regarding children. Kids are going to learn and imprint the behaviors and attitudes demonstrated by their parents. Showing them a loveless, resent-laden marriage is going to give them a blueprint to unhappy and difficult relationships for the rest of their lives.

 

This week's summary:

My wife locked me up each day except Tuesday. She had to go in to work early and the opportunity was missed.

On Tuesday, she allowed me to go down on her. She must have been very excited because it didn't take long.

Then she told (commanded?) me to enter her and come. It has been 9 days since I was last permitted an orgasm. In that moment I felt very disappointed. I was hoping she would refuse me for at least 2 weeks this time; I have become very fond of her goal of denying me for 3 month intervals.

She gave me the best orgasm of my life. I don't know if it was the 9 days, or just the connection we had in that moment, or having just experienced a "vicarious O" through her, or all of those things. I was nearly brought to tears. I felt more gratitude to her then I have ever experienced toward another person in my entire life.

I can only imagine what the experience will be like when she has denied me longer.

 

Vasectomy was had yesterday morning. My wife was not without sympathy but reminded me that she gave birth to two children and nobody gave her any days off. That said, she made it clear that I was to take good care of her property. She didn't want any delays in recovery.

Last week she assigned me some "homework". I often write to sort my thoughts out which she knows I do. She required me to send her anything I had written so far. I was anxious about that because I had never intended to share any of this. She also asked me to write a bit about how I think chastity has been going so far.

We had a really good chat about it all. I have a strong desire for her to cuckold me. But after I asked her to engage in chastity with me, I decided that I had asked enough of her and would not ask her to do that. Because I had written extensively about this, I told her that I was not going to ask her to cuckold me. Instead, I gave her carte blanche on the matter of sleeping with other people. She was a bit taken back by my gesture. Ultimately, she told me that our life circumstances right now will not permit any exploration of cuckolding, but that she's definitely going to re-visit the matter in the future. It might be some years she said.

Honestly, this is a better outcome than I was expecting and I am totally satisfied with the fact that she's going to consider it in the future. Even if it never happens, I am grateful to her for entertaining the idea.

 

I thought I would post an update. It's been a while since I logged into the site.

Recovery from the vasectomy has been slow. I still have some aching and pain. Recovery was set back because I overdid things on some yard work about 4 weeks post-surgery. According to instructions and the doctor, I should have been fine to do this work, but it left me hurting. I would say I'm 90% recovered. The pain is very tolerable and I wouldn't seek any corrective care if it didn't get any better than it is now. In my experience, the more medical interventions for a problem, the less probable a full recovery becomes, so I'd prefer to leave sleeping dogs lie.

My wife has been allowing me to orgasm about once a week which is more or less the same frequency as before the vasectomy. Every time I cum, she reminds me that she's allowing it only because I'm supposed to ejaculate 20 times before submitting a sample to the lab for confirmatory analysis that the vasectomy worked.

This weekend, she told me that she didn't like letting me cum and that she thought very seriously about moving me to an every other week schedule now. She told me that once the tests came back that we would be transitioning to a once a month schedule pretty quickly. Maybe twice if I'm lucky.

We're not using a device until after the tests come back. Her parameter, not mine. I'm very excited to get back to device, but I also find it satisfying to deny myself at her instruction. There are nights were I cannot sleep because I'm so horny for her. I love feeling helpless to satisfy myself.

 

Last night, my wife and I were able to spend some time alone which can be difficult with two wily children. I entered the bedroom and immediately noticed that my wife's pajama were still piled up where they normally are. I was ecstatic. She was wearing nothing but a bathrobe. I implored her to let me go down on her (my favorite way to have sex). After 5 or so minutes, I brought her to climax.

She told me she wanted me so I obliged. Vigorously. As I entered her, she told me she wanted me to cum. I wanted to make sure to give her as much pleasure as I could, so I didn't cum right away. She climaxed again (an event which is uncommon as she does not typically orgasm from penetrative sex). A few moments later, she pushed my hips away and told me that she was satisfied. I got that, "wait. what?" feeling since I thought I was going to cum. She told me that she changed her mind and that I was "in trouble" for not cumming right away when she told me to.

I have no idea what the ramifications will be.

It occurred to me today that the average man would have been irate at being stopped and told no. I definitely felt a twist of the gut (not anger, but dread). More over, I was insanely turned on by my strong wife who didn't have a moment's hesitation in showing me who the boss is. I yearn for the day when she turns the key again and walks out the door leaving me unable to so much as touch myself.

 

Thanks Gigaman.

 

I figured it was about time for an update.

I'm sort of back to where I was at pre-surgery: trying most days to get used to longer and longer wear of the holy trainer v4. I'm still having troubles with pain and discomfort. I can't seem to get past 8 or 9 hours before I feel like I better stop before I hurt myself.

I have small glimpses of hope here and there when I get a "good day" with no worsening pain.

I'm feeling more and more sure that the ring gap is just too small for me. I measured it, it's 9mm.

My wife instructed me to come up with some alternatives. She said maybe I need a different device. After some research, I've done a 180 on PA piercings. I think I'd prefer to get a PA and an Evotion Bijou. That seems like a far more certain thing than messing around with more ball trap devices.

If the PA is a non-starter for her, then I'll look into the Evotion Orion as a possible next device.

Full belts are kind of out in my mind. Seems like they are really difficult to get fitted right, hygiene seems like it would be tough, and a custom one is crazy expensive.

 

My wife is notching things up a bit. Up until this last cycle, orgasms were coming weekly. This time she said, "I think you're ready for more than a week." This upcoming weekend will be 3 weeks.

I've been considering how my desire changes the further I get from an orgasm. So far I've got:

• Satisfied: I've recently cum and don't really feel like I want/need another right now
• Interested: I would prefer if she denied me, but I'm not complaining if she decides I should cum.
• Eager: I would like to cum now please.
• Desperate: this is begging territory.

I'm currently "eager".

I can't say I've ever been persistently desperate to cum. In the past when I got insanely horny, I'd just take care of business myself.

This last little bit, I've had a couple nights where I had trouble sleeping due to being horny. In those moments I felt desperate, but the feeling passed.

I can see why people get sucked into the search for the perfect chastity device. On those desperate nights, I came very close to masturbating. Currently I'm not locked at night and even if I were locked, I know I can pull out pretty easily. So that makes me really want a perfect device I cannot defeat without leaving evidence of having done so.

 

I'm pretty bummed out about it. Basically, after I get the device on, it feels like someone is pinching my scrotum (and everything inside it) between their fingers on the right side. After some time, things start to ache. The pain is kind of a dull nagging pain that starts to reach up into my abdomen and back into my kidney.

I can pull things around and re-adjust which helps some, but after 8-9 hours, I get to the point where I feel like I better stop.

My hypothesis is that the ring gap is too small (9mm on my HTv4).

Aside from that, I love my HTv4.

One thing I will miss if I go tube-only PA is the feeling the HTv4 gives me when I get aroused. That feeling of confinement and futility is amazing. I'll be sad to see my penis "stand up" with a tube-only solution.

 

What I'm saying is I went from a hard "hell no PA" to feeling like that's the direction I want to go.

I feel like I could mess around with ball traps for years and either never find one that I can wear 24/7 without pain/injury or never be satisfied with the "security."

If I had my way today, I'd be setting up an appointment to get a PA right now.

I think I'm going to try to have that conversation with my wife this weekend.

Any suggestions on how I might approach the topic so it doesn't freak her out?

 

The issue is that the ball trap portion of my current device is causing me testicular pain. What I would really like is an evotion Orion with a PA. That would be awesome. I just don't know if I can make the ball trap part work.

My thought so far is to tell my wife the following:

The HTv4 isn't working out. I haven't found a solution to the pain problems. I would like to try a different device. I think there are two options:

1. Custom Orion. Hopefully increasing the ring gap to 1/2 inch will resolve the pain issues. If I feel like there is a 10% chance I can solve the HTv4 problem. Then I feel like there is maybe a 50% chance I can solve the issue with another device with a different fit (like an Orion).
2. PA + Bijou. I know a PA is scary, but after some research, it seems like it's not a big deal after the healing time. A PA + tube device isn't a 100% guarantee to make 24/7 chastity a real possibility, but it seems like a much higher chance of success to me.

I'll also express to her that even if the Orion works out that some day I'd like to get a PA (subject to her approval, of course) anyway.

Then let her decide. Maybe she's fine spending the money on an Orion without PA to see if it works. Maybe she'll surprise me and tell me, "go schedule an appointment for your PA."

 

I'm guessing that if I were to describe my and my wife's relationship to a room full of psychologists that an eyebrow or two would raise for sure. And our's is a pretty tame relationship compared to many described on this site.

I can certainly understand the concern that many professional psychologists would express over this kind of relationship. I think many people (most maybe?) feel that relationships ought to be even and fair, etc. Traditionally, if there is unfairness, it is supposed to tilt in the favor of the man. So FLRs, then, challenge the entrenched norms as well.

I would agree that the relationship is unhealthy if I were vulnerable. For example, if I were diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and vulnerable to manipulation, then I think our relationship would be unhealthy and ethically dubious.

But in the end, it was me who took us down this path, not her. And I am happy with it. I like where she's taking it. There might be the odd item here or there that I'm not keen on, but that dissatisfaction is counterbalanced with the joy I get in feeling "pushed" to do something I would otherwise not want to do.

Maybe the crux of it all is that I know, and she knows, that if things go to a place that is not mutually agreeable, that we will pause or stop and it won't be the end of us.