My husband asked me to lock him up

Forgot to mention, all of this brought a next level amount of communication to our relationship. Being able to talk freely about anything, we both could discuss what turns us on. It didn’t mean we would do it all, it just meant we knew what buttons to press if either of us wanted.

To be honest, when we started it was a bit centered on me, but once she got her handle on everything, it quickly evolved into getting everything she wanted which is really what I wanted.

 

An easy way to dip your toe in would be to tell him you’ll play for, say, two weeks. Let him initiate play but be quick and firm as to if you want it to carry on. Also let him pleasure you and then roll over and go to sleep!

See how it feels and then have a good chat at the end

 

@ShyWife
I found the advice in Ms Rika’s Uniquely Rika book pretty solid. It covers more scope than a purely male chastity oriented book. Some of her advice is something we figured out ourselves.... she gives a good structure and vocabulary, so things crystallized in my mind. In the end, the chastity and any tease and denial is your gift to him.

She gives advice to figure out what you want, and make sure it’s not all about stroking his kinks. This can be very simple. For me it started with bringing my wife coffee in bed every morning and a kiss. That’s it. It made her smile and it blossomed into so much more. Whatever bring your amusement and joy is what you should do. You don’t need to be “bossy” or put on a show, or conform to someone else’s script.

There’s more to say but I’ll stop there.

Managing his expectations will be important.
I got sulky when things didn’t go my way. Or if she didn’t play the way I wanted. When I let go of expectations it helped a lot. That’s a slow process, and fooling around and experimenting with what works and what doesn’t is best.

There’s no One True Way.

A playful attitude and a sense of humor helps. Making sure you communicate within the foundational relationship is important (to borrow another Ms Rika phrase)

Practically, I think you should know how long he’s been able to wear the cage comfortably so far.

I would ask him. The “game” can be interrupted when the cage needs to come off unexpectedly. For me, I got disappointed early on, and sometimes ignored issues.

Don’t be put off, but skin abrasions, ingrown hairs and edema swelling can happen. A cage is best if it’s his comfy home. Rather than torture, it amplifies my awareness of my own arousal. It’s my safe space where I bottle up energy and save it for my wife.

You can do all of this without a cage. No touching is difficult. Tease and denial is fun. Edging is fun. Floating on a blissful high of denial is fun. This isn’t punishment. Being caged and denied is the gift. It makes me feel like I’m 18 again.

But a cage is fun. Keep it fun.

Scenes are different. I’m not sure how much he’s craving scenes where you’re bossy. All I know is pure explorative experimentation can help. Figure out what clicks for you and him.

It’s difficult when you try to wrap things up in a narrative or story that he’s created and wants to see acted out.

I am projecting from my past but I had made the mistake of hovering and constantly judging. It made my wife more comfortable when I stopped directing and maneuvering and getting pouty when it didn’t go my way.

Expect that a little. It’s ok. But you can’t always get what you want

It’s great he opened up to you. Expect there’s more bottled up inside his head. It’s great that you’re open.

He’s giving you his favorite toy. That in itself is pretty sweet.

It’s ok to be “blank”. You can experiment with his ideas but don’t get discouraged or let either of you feel disappointed when something doesn’t work.

You do want to find your own “words” and not let him just feed you lines and prompts for action. At least that’s what he wants.

I will go back to my recommendation for Ms Rika’s book.

Also there’s a lot of “gentle femdom” out there that resonates better with (most) women. Even the FLR (female led relationships) content gets “fantastic”.

Finally, this can all be very simple. You don’t need to layer on D/s, female-led relationships, let alone bossy dominatrix archetypes.

Beat of luck. I hope that was helpful.

Uniquely Rika by Ms Rika
https://www.lulu.com/shop/msrika/uniquely-rika/paperback/product-2403338.html?pn=1

See also Key Barrett’s book Locked in Love. I thought it was a decent read.
https://medium.com/@keybarrettmsc/s...-update-of-couples-chastity-play-a1bb3dc5a60e

 

A lot of fantastic Domme/sub relationships are built on a foundation of tease and denial, including O/ours. So, if You enjoy that, build on it. You finding something about kink that You enjoy is the most important element of all of this, as it's not really about the individual acts for him. It's about You indulging what You enjoy and him being able to indulge you in that sense in a frequent (generally daily) basis. Everyone has 5-10 minutes in a day to connect physically.

 

@ShyWife
what we are trying to tell you is that there is no possibility of error: do you have an idea? you put it into practice and see what happens: if you like it you replicate it or perfect it, if you don't like it you put it aside. Or maybe you pick it up later in time, when you feel more confident or able.

In any case, it is basically a couple's game, made to have fun and pleasure

 

Just to answer from a horribly boring perspective (!); we have two young children and I find it absolutely no problem at all and it is of paramount importance to us to keep the two separate! Some of the cheap ‘sex toy’ type cages are big, heavy and stick out by miles but a proper custom made one can be no more intrusive than that what was already there!
In my spare time I have a very active life style (working) and again, no issues.

Just as an example: https://www.malechastity-devices.com/index.php?Itemid=1118

 

Don't forget your acknowledgement that it probably took a lot on his part to tell you. So please take it seriously as it could be more or a need than a want. If you can get passed that minor hurdle, then any practicalities can be overcome once the willingness to do so is there.

And speaking of which... Cages do not need to be bulky. For example, the Holy Trainer is completely unobtrusive under clothes due to its integral lock. I have a Chinese copy HT and it was very inexpensive (£15).

And as for it causing pain when the kids are jumping around (a) his awareness will mean he ensures they do not jump around *there* (so the situation can be avoided) and (b) far from it *causing* pain if they do, it could actual act as armour to *prevent* pain.

As I say, do not let perceived issues be an excuse to back away, rather just view them pragmatically to be easily solved.

If you have read anything on chastity then you may have some idea of how attentive it can make a husband. Its not just a sexual thing, it increases feelings of love and emotional intimacy if done correctly. Many wives try it and never look back. Why not at least give it a serious go? You could find it gives you both a lot of joy and bring you even closer to one another.

 

How about just using the cage as a toy at playtime, when the kids are in bed, the same as you would any other toy? That is how my partner and I use it currently. I find that being locked really enhances my feeling of being completely under her control, so anytime locked, however short, is good time.

Yes, I'd like to be locked for longer periods, but I'm just happy to have my partner on-board and, as I want her to be in control, I have to abide by her decision as to lock-up duration. My hope is that these current short periods gradually become longer, as she gets more used to it, but if that turns out not to be the case, then so be it, I won't be complaining. I don't particularly want to be locked up 24/7/365, that's way too hardcore for me.

Once you find the right cage, they are far more comfortable than you'd think. How about ordering him to put it on one evening once the kids are in bed, then keep him in it all night until the morning? If overnight is too much, you can order it to be removed before you go to sleep.

 

Hi
I think you’ll hear from many here with experience with both chastity and family life. We started chastity about 5 years ago. At the time my kids were 7 and 9. We were doing part time in chastity for the first three years and it’s been continuous for the last two. It has been a non-issue with respect to the kids. I’m never naked around them. I’m careful about it and keep my clothed private area away from them. We keep our private life private and lock our door when we Have adult playtime. I’m sure they don’t know dad has a cage on penis.

There are a thousand different cages out there and it’s pretty easy to find ones that don’t show at all through clothing. It’s a fun little secret between the two of you.

As others have said, your husband is taking a huge step and risk in his relationship with you to open up in such a way to you. I remember very clearly the moment I made the same revelation to my wife of 15 years. All of us here are glad you are taking this seriously and learning about it. It’s a fantastic journey of discovery. My wife and I have become so much closer over the last 5 years than we were for the previous 15.

good luck in your journey. Try it. You might like it.

 

Hi and welcome to the Mansion

Your story sounds so similar to my wife an my story I would’ve thought my wife posted this 5 years ago lol. Truth is a lot of us start out just how you’re starting right now, unsure, unconfident and clueless... I know that’s how my wife felt, it actually took a couple of weeks to convince and reassure her that chastity is a path worth trying and going down.

First let’s start with your husband, in his defense he has probably felt submissive since puberty and throughout his life and throughout your marriage but probably didn’t understand what it was he was feeling. I say this only because this is exactly how I felt. I didn’t understand that I was a submissive make until I discovered chastity and then when I looked back at my past behaviors and relationships, identifying myself as a submissive individual made more sense in my wants and desires.

I bought my wife a couple of key holder books before we started to help her understand what I was asking for and the lifestyle I was hoping we’d live. Most of those books are poorly written and some delve into things that couples new to this lifestyle or bdsm can seem shocking. There is a mistress on this website and her name is Mistress Jules, she’s very down to earth and writes in much more realistic tones and helps people realize the benefits for both people in the relationship without all the fantasy crap. If you google Mistress Jules Scotland you will be able to find her website. As you said the internet is a minefield with so much bad info and stereotypes it’s not even funny.

I too asked my wife for us to be in a FLR (female led relationship) at the start and she also felt uncomfortable with “taking the lead” so we left that idea alone for the time being and just focused on chastity.

Once she felt comfortable with chastity she started to branch out and started to build confidence taking control of our relationship in the bedroom and eventually outside the bedroom. This took a lot of pressure off of her when it came to sex because we both agreed that it would all be on her terms and what she wanted. This doesn’t mean I don’t ask her to try something new with me just because she’s in charge, it means that I would respect whatever decision she came to and understand that when she puts her foot down I am to honor that.

The longer we’ve lived the chastity lifestyle the more confidence my wife has gained in herself as my domme as well as life outside our home. I also have a sense of completeness, my partner, through trial and error understands my submissiveness and me better because of it. We’ve become a stronger couple because of our new roles, a different sense of purpose. Neither of us would turn back to how things were before even though we had an amazing relationship to start with.

She’s the one that inadvertently started our FLR as she became more comfortable and confident with control. After a couple of years the FLR became more natural to us both and continued to pick up steam and again it has been very rewarding.

The biggest thing is to not let your husband dictate how he thinks your lifestyle should go based on the stereotypes he’s seen on the internet. He has surely researched chastity a lot and just like you he has found the land mines and unfortunately might not recognize them as land mines. Us guys can get caught up in the fantasy side of chastity and get lost in it thinking the kink side of things is how it always has to be which is definitely not true.

You don’t need to be the latex clad mistress, just be the kind of mistress you want to be. If he’s truly submissive and respectful to you, he will follow your lead happily. This lifestyle is something you will work at as a team but you as his mistress get to steer the boat whatever direction you want. I hope my post is helpful and there are also lots of great people here at the mansion to talk to and get advice.

I wish you and your husband the best of luck starting out this lifestyle and I hope you find it as rewarding as my Wonder Woman and I do

 

He is relieved that you know his secret, he's had it and thought about it and researched it *and masturbated about it* for years, literally. Speaking as a married masturbator, it's not realistic for you to think your kinky submissive husband will just stop masturbating just because you want to trust him to. For us, it's an addiction and a core part of our sexual self-identification. A chastity cage really helps, it becomes a physical symbol of having admitted my secret submissiveness and having given my wife control, and also provides enough of barrier to allow me to get the urge I've always given into under control. And not masturbating makes me more in touch with my wife emotionally and sexually. Good luck, keep on loving him, think of it as a gift.

 

Welcome to CM

 

Shopping... The cage/ring gap can be fixed with different designs. Some are controlled by the shape, others by actual space between the two... Explore by shopping!
Whip-wielding - some are into the whole package, others are just into the device and the relationship itself. I'm sure you have a bold false-impression of the extremes, RELAX! Just control when he can take the cage off, borrowing 'your' key, for now and let that much grow on you!

 

Good luck and you should be commended for giving it a try. It only needs to go where you and your husband wants it to go. My wife is not a dom and I am totally not submissive. For us it brought back an amazing spark to our already great relationship. My wife will not post here but her response would be. Never pressured to have sex, no worries about masturbation, ready when she is, much more attentive, sex for both of us feels like it did when we just met. It took a long time to get here but evolved in our own way. The right cage is important and when my wife realized I could wear it comfortably with no issues she wanted it fulll time. Good luck with your journey.

 

He is more than likely looking for you take charge sexually and not a as a Dom. Try teasing have him give you oral don't unlock him each time. 1 comment or a rub on the cage, butt each day he will love it

 

I'm really pleased to hear that you've had lots of help from lots of kind people on this site, that has been my experience too. I'm even more pleased to hear that you've decided to give this a try. Your husband will be feeling very relieved to have not been rejected and delighted to have a months trial. You seem to have his expectations well managed, so well done for that too.

It's now up to him to show you what the benefits to you can be and I understand your scepticism, but if turns out that the only benefit is a very happy husband, would that be so bad?

Please make sure that you have a bit of fun with it and don't take it all too seriously. I wish you every success and happiness in the future. Good luck.

 

Those books are really helpful, but use them as a menu rather than an instruction manual.

Just select the bits you like.

 

As others have said it’s great you are considering it and researching it. It takes a huge amount of courage and trust in you for him to have told you. I now have a wonderful partner who is now my keyholder but before that I never trusted anyone enough to tell this to. So I am sure he will be over the moon with relief that he told you and that you did not act horrified but instead give it some thought.

As others said you don’t need to plan how it will work forever. Once you try it you can see how it works and adapt things and improve and of course incorporate any learnings from books etc. With my partner she was not at all into this kind of thing but now enjoys it a lot and in this area is very confident now. It really is something you will (hopefully) grow into together and find what makes both of you happy. Most important thing is that neither of you feel forced into doing something you are uncomfortable with so regardless of what his fantasies maybe or some book may say you will find your own unique lifestyle . Best of luck!