It's been a long journey and I can't see the end in sight.

Ok I'm male, 60 and I don't know why I'm posting, but as you see I am. For as long as I can remember I alway wanted to be controlled. Oh how I whould love my wife to take control of me full time. To be told when to go to bed, when to get up, what to wear, when I could have sex or when I could not.

When I was young I was the one who would be tried up when we played cowboys and indians.My sister also used to dress me up in her clothes. I was too young to understand why it was so nice to be in a dress with ribbons in my hair and maybe the guilt started there.

Walking to school, a all boys school I would pass girls waiting for the bus in there unifroms. Green dresses with a coloured school house sash down the left side, a hat and ho those ribbons in there hair. How I wanted to be one of them. But no I was a boy with a snottie nose and grazed knees not knowing why I felt like I did.

When I started work I tried to put those thoughts into the dark receses of my mind. I work in a mans job where you had to be rough and tough. I could/can drink, swear and yes fart with the best of them. But deep deep down I still wanted to be dressed up as a women, Bloody hell what am I doing saying that? But it dose sound so good that I have said it after so many years of putting those feeling into the very dark recesses of my mind.

On the outside I live a good life. I'm married to a good women ( the only person I've had sex with) 2 grown up children with very good jobs. We have no true money worries, we've travled a lot some might say we've travled to much. We live a very good life, but I'm still not happy, those dark thoughts still hound me. Not a days go by that I don't dream of my wife to be my mistress, to take control of me. To put me in a chastity belt and keep me locked up for my own good. Yes I am a man who cannot help himself, and I do play with myself everday and sometimes twice a day.

My wife is a kind of women who thinks the husband it the one to be in control, the breadwinner the strong rock. Husbands don't cry or have feminine thouhts. That what women do.

In the last 2 years all the dark thoughts that I have keeped hidden for so bloody long as started too rear there ugly heads again.so much so I cannont put them back where they belong. It is like the TV advert of a women walking down stairs and her necklace of pearls brakes and bounce down the stair and all over the floor, She knowns she will never find them all, the necklace will never be the same. I feel the same, my thoughts are those pearls. How can I find them all and put them back? But do I what to put them back, why should I put them back, after 60 years of kidding myself that I can control them.

I am going to end for now, I am so sorry to have told you about my problems. Why I have started to tell you I don't know and I feel more them a little uneasy about bearing in sole in public. But just maybe somewhere out there can relate my feelings I do feel that I'm the odd one out.

I have read a few threads on this forum, and I hope I do not upset anybody when I say.

The husbands of Mistress Michelle and Goddess Jen should everday get down on there knees and kiss the wifes feet. How I wish my wife was like them. Goddess jen's smiles can melt ice and the twinkle in Mistress Michress,s eye is enough to turn it back to ice.

I must go, this as taken me 2 hours to write, to be honest it as taken me 60 bloody years.

Susan S

ps Why Susan S? Well that is the name I was going to be called if I had been born a girl.

 

Thank you SusieQ, Sophia for your replys and for not laughing or judging me. You will not know much that means to me.


Susie Q you are so right it dose feel good, but I wonder what gives my the right in inflict what is going on in my head, on you all.

Sophia, Thankyou for your reply, but a therapist is out of the question. I am rough tough Yorkshireman in the USA I would be called a "red neck."

I find it so unfair that women can dress in men clothes and people do not turn a hair. But for a man did it, he would be turned into a laughing stock. Life is so unfair.

When I can get over the shock of me posting on here, I will try continue my story.

Again thankyou for not laughing at me.

Susan S.

 

First may I say sorry that I said you would laugh or judge me, I was wrong and I'm sorry. But when you've lived with the guilt all your livetime, it is hard to think anybody would understand me. I have hidden my guilt so deep inside me, that I come across to people as very aggressive. I do not let many people close to me as I do have a hard exterior. I am also very good at a extreme sport, that again gives the tough image that I hide behind.

My wife was bought up to think sex games are dirty and wrong, Believe me I have tried, oh how I have tried, but at the end of the day she as the right to think she is right and I am wrong. Maybe I am wrong to try and get more out of life. I just don't what to die without at least trying to live my dream. But in the end I have to repect my wife and not to inflict my wishes onto her.

Susan S

 

Well I made it back again, have spent a sleepless night, My mind was racing so much that no way could I sleep. I spent the full night looking at the clock on the bedside table and the sound of my wife's breathing and sometimes snoring. Normally when my wife snores a quick dig in her side would make her turn over and stop. But not last night, on point I was not going to sleep.

Still cannot work out what I'm doing here, some might say I full of self pity, maybe so but I don't see it that way. Could be I'm looking for a way forward, but I do doubt there is a easy way forward without upsetting the one's I love. I think it will be a case of buck my ideas up and get on with my life.

Susan S

 

Thankyou everybody for taking time to post replys to me. I still feel a fraud posting on here, seeing most of you have got more guts than I can ever have.

Celtic Queen says < You are Obviously an intelligent and articulate man).You can not believe how wide of the mark you are.

I had to laugh when Ann Summer's was mentioned. I will tell you what happened.

About 10 years ago a group of us was having dinner at work, when one of the group right out of the blue stated that he wore womens underwear. Well you can only guess what the reaction was. Fancy saying that to a group of building workers.

I was has bad as the rest, you see I had to be. I could not say " that's great I would love to do the same". In days it all calmed down and although there was a few sniggers all was forgotten about.

About a week later I went for a walk around at dinner and I bumped into him looking in the Ann Summer's window. I went up to him and asked if he was thinking of buying himself some nickers, he said yes but have you seen the price?

We was not very far from a big in/outdoor market, I went with him and help him pick some frilly nickers out for his "wife". Walking back to the job to my shame I chicken out and told Him that I had to pop into a shop to buy something. You see I did not want to be seen walking back onto the job with him, incase our workmates started talking about me.

He did not ask me why I had helped him, he did not even say thankyou, That was ok by me, You see there was no doubt about me being a man's man. But inside it was him who was more than a man then me.

Susan S

 

What a great day I've had to day. I'm just about to have dinner but will get later. Talk about what NOT to do when you are lock up in a cb3000. You will laugh your socks off.

See you later, and thankyou for showing me life it not as bad as I thought it was.

Thanks.

Susan s

 

Well I've wolfed my dinner down so I could share with you about what as happened today, and PLEASE feel free to laugh.

I was going to continue my story ( story seems to be the wrong word to use, if anybody is out there and can tell me a better word to use, please do) but I must tell you this. It might give you a insight of the kind of person I am.

As some might know, I have not be sleeping well of late, my mind as been racing too much. I went to bed last night at 9pm and sleeped like a baby, well apart from the 1-30, 3-30 and 5-30 wake up calls. You all know what I mean. If the Greenwich clock ever stops and there want somebody to tell them the time, well I can, it allways the same time every bloody night.

At 5-30 I was laying awake and yes THANKYOU I was feeling a lot better. At 6-30 it was getting light. I jumped out of bed, I think I will rephrase that shall I. With c*** in hand I carfully eased my way out of bed, and told the wife I'm off for a walk. She said good for you it's about time you went out.

Got ready went downstairs, brought my dear wife a cup of tea in bed, how she as been missing her tea in bed. Went out at 7-30 with wife asking where are you going, when are you coming back, I just said dont know but I will ring you latter. I was soon walking thought the fields of my beloved Yorkshire. All went well I was walking on foot paths, yes a bit muddy but it was bloody good to be out.

After a few miles I lossed the path, well me being me I did not have a map with me, come on maps are for wimps. Well I started to climb over bard wire fences (carefully) In the hope any of the landownings will not see me. After about one hour of fence hopping I came across a sign saying KEEP OUT. It was only a small fence and I could see a faint path heading into the bushes, so I hopped over the and followed the path. After about 100yards the path ended dead, so many bushes I just could not go on.
The last thing any walker wants to do is to retrace there steps, but I had to do.

When I got back to the sign there was 2 men waiting for me and there was not happy. Only one of then spoke to me. Sir can you read? Yes thankyou. Sir did you not read the sign? Yes thankyou why. Sir so why did you ignore it. My answer maybe not the best was. Well if did not want f***** walkers to walk on your land you should have a f****** 10 feet wire fence around it.

The words had just left my mouth when I remember I was wearing my cb3000. The two men where MOD police and the sign read, KEEP OUT, M O D, UNEXPODED ORDNANCE. Yes I did retrace my steps, thinking to my self, what a bloody fool I had been.

Off to dry the pots, hope to get back to you later.

Susan S.

 

School was bad for me, I stuttered, boy did I stutter, Who wants to make friends with someone who stuttered. Yes I had one or two, but not that many. You see it is so much easier to bully them, why make friends when you can bully.


Going off at a tangent again. When I was 13 I had a paper round, most boys of my age had one sometime or other. I liked it, I had a little bit of money in my pocket. Well it was about one week before chistmas and all the other paperboys was coming back with pocketfulls of coins. I ask one how / why he had all the money, easy he said, have you done it yet. done what? He told me all I had to do was to knock on the doors on my round and say, Merry Chistmas I'm your paper boy. He told me there would give me some money and wish me a merry Chistmas. The next day off I went on my paper round with a smile knowing I was going to come back with my pockets full. At the first house I knock on the door this chap came to the door, I had been thinking about want I was going,but I could not say it. It seemed like hours before I stammered it out, the man just glared at me, took his paper and slammed the door in my face. That was the first and the last time I tried that one.

School got so bad in the end I use to tell my mother I was sick, but most of the time I was told to get out of bed and go to school. Not my Mothers fault it was mine for bottle it up inside me. The day I left school was the best day of my life.
Two weeks later I started work, for the first few weeks was great, but it did go down hill. You see I did not smoke, swear, read dirty mags and I said please and thankyou. And yes I stuttered, I was allways the odd one out.


Off again at a tangent. Last year I spent one day on the new job, I did not know anybody, I was not bothered as I had a job to do and only one day to do it in. There was about six of us on the job, and one a really nice young men was sat on is own he did not mix with the rest. Later that day he was working near me so I started to talk to him. Yes you've guessed it, he stammered. He was as bad as I was when I was his aged. I stopped work and took time to listern to him, I did not finnish is words for him (the worse thing you can do is to finnish words for them so please DON'T) He was shocked when I told I was like him at his age, I told him he will/should grow out of it. Yes I do believe I gave him some hope, I hope so as very few people know what we stammers have to go though.

Work went downhill fast most days I was bullied, boy was I bullied there got it off to a fine art. In the end there came at me in packs egging each other on. One off the best thing there did (in there eyes) was to take my trousers down and covered my b***s and c*** with plaster. What fun there had. It in the end I did not even fight against it, I just stood there and let them get on with it. What was the point of fighting there was allways going to do it.

For those of you who are reading this and are/was bullies. Do you really know that sad b******s you are. You see the bully is somebody you can/do go home and forget about it. I/we can't, we live with with it 24 hours a day, 7 day a week, Year in f*****g year out. What give you the F******G right to do that. You see you not have to bully me/us every day of week, but in the back of our minds we think you will. So you see we are bullied every f******g day every week for years after it ends.


Off I go again at a tangent. When I was about 40, I read in the paper that the person who bullied me the most at school had died.What a good day that was. I was so f*****G happy. I would have danced on this grave if I could. What gives you the f*****g right to turn me into a person like that? A person you was happy that somebody had died at 40. WHAT GIVES YOU THE F*****G RIGHT. To turn people into somebody there are not.

If you are reading this and are a bully, please think want you are doing to us, the hurt that lasts for years if not forever. If I have saved just one person from walking down the same road as me, all the hurt,all the memories that as started to flood back into my mind, them it as beem worth it, worth the shame of writing this.


I know I've gone of topic and I am sorry, but you see when I started this post I did not know it was going to end like this. Maybe this is not the right forum, maybe I should not be posting here. But in the last few day it as helped me. Maybe I can put my demons to rest, maybe I just wanted some where to vent. I did not come on this forum to do that, it just happened.

Sorry and goodbye

Susan S.

PS if I have upset anybody by posting this post, then GOOD, Just think what your actions are doing to others.

 

I have thought about and I'm going to carry on with my story.

All through my teens in bed how I dreamed I was a girl, You see in the 60s girls where nice to each other. ( I might have been wrong but it did look that way to me) How I dreamed I could take a knife and cut my b**** and c*** off, that would solve it, I would turn into a girl, like those I saw at the bus stop on my way to school. ( but it would not have done I know that now). And yes in safty of my bedroom I did think about ending it all. I have never said that out loud in my life before. I am sure a few have taken that route, but I was too much of a coward even to do that. So over time I became hard I became one of them. In the end I became top dog. I was everbodys worse nightmare. You see I had to be, I did not what to be, I wanted to be gently I wanted to be them girls, all nice and sweet, all pals together. Of course it was only a dream, a dream that I went to sleep with for years. It was my way of coping, and yes I did cope by making a secret world, a world where no one could harm me.


I did start the fight back. When I was about 20 I had to work with a man in his late twenty's He started to pick on me, was it because I was weak? Was it because I stuttered? I do not know. He put up a sign above where I was working with "virgin at work." I could not take it down, that would admit it bothered me, so you see I was in a no win situation. If I left it up he wins, if I took it down he wins. Then Everytime he passed me he would squeeze my nipples. I stood it for about 2/3 day until a red mist came over me, He walk passed me and squeezed them, well I loss control I pick up a lump of wood and went after him, shouting that I was not bother if he killed me. But you see I was going to kill him first, all the years of being bullied had come to a head. I was going to take it out of him, I was going to kill him.


To my shock he backed down, This man who was my tormenter was backing away saying sorry, I dropped the lump of wood and went back to work. Everbody around us had seen me do it, and yes that was the start of me turning in to a right b*****d. It did feel good, for once in my life I had won. I did not take the sign down but when I turn up the next day it had gone.



I'm truly sorry if I have upset anybody with my last post, but I stand by it. It had too be told so you all know why I turned out like I am/was.


With respect.

Susan S.

 

On Goddess Jen's instruction, I will be moving over to the the Vault tomorrow.

Thanks all for reading, and thankyou Goddess Jen for all the help you have gracefully given me.

Susan S