I remember when I was young and stupid. It never really occurred to me that my girlfriend might want to have an orgasm during sex. Of course as I grew older and wiser I came to understand how much better sex and intimacy was when the orgasm was shared. Which has ultimately led me to now. What counts as relief for a man in Chastity and what counts as relief for your keyholder. Mistress and I do have all sorts of activities in between mutual orgasm but ultimately what counts as sex for me is giving her an orgasm. Her giving me one or allowing me to have one doesn't really do the trick unless she has one too. In fact I really dont like it when she makes me have an orgasm, or gives me free cock time Of course this can lead her to be under pressure to have an orgasm when she might otherwise rather not which has at times been a problem for us. Gradually however I am beginning to understand she obtains pleasure in other ways: For example: She would mostly rather have a shoulder rub than have an orgasm Mistress really enjoys giving me the paddle and it gives her relief but it doesn't turn her on (strangely it gives me relief as well). She enjoys giving me the strapon, and also enjoys using the electric butt plug on me but again it doesnt turn her on. She loves me cooking for her which I do regularly, she loves that when she stays here I make her breakfast and coffee in the mornings. She definitely prefers her cock locked up. I guess the challenge for us submissive men is to come to terms with that we shouldn't see giving her an orgasm as the only way of justifying our existence in being locked up. But it is very difficult when your forever horny and all you want to do its put ones face between her legs even though my own orgasm is not at all important to me. Just inviting discussion.
My madams orgasms are nothing to do with me! I please here in every way I can, but orgasms are down to her bull.
Many of "cogman's" statements about what his Mistress likes/prefers ring true to me in my relationship too. My mistress likes a shoulder rub / neck rub more than anything. (Though she does like her orgasms too and I get the same kind of praise for both.) Oral is her favourite way for me to deliver her pleasure. She likes my cooking, especially my dinners. She likes my house-cleaning and the more of it I do, the more she likes it. (Talk about a virtuous circle of reward for being a good boy.) She enjoys giving me a beating with a twelve-inch leather-covered wooden paddle. She's gradually getting more proficient with the other whips and with the cane too. I suspect we need a larger play area, but I"m not getting much support on the idea of converting a part of our basement into a dungeon. She's o.k. with giving me the strap-on but we need more practice. And sometimes it turns her on (somewhat). Being cooped up together in these viral times hasn't led to any increased frequency of kinky play, but I think we're on schedule for something tonight. We will see. I have been locked up a lot during the last month, but we still haven't reached the state of 24/7 for me.
My wife and I have only been in FLR since September. She has had zero interest in sex for many years now, well before we started down the FLR road. For her, a foot rub, back/neck massage, head massage are all as intimate to her as sex. She truly loves the attention and it meets my need to serve. I am on the honor system as chastity goes and do ask her for a “release” usually about once a month. She may get around to it in a day or two or not at all. That just makes me want to serve her more.
My wife is 55 and enjoys sex in different ways. On those nights she takes off my cage and has me take Viagra, she likes to be taken. When its my cage on and me wearing a strapon, she decides how things will happen. She loves to orgasm and enjoys my tongue very much. Now if she wants to make love, she will spend her time with her lady friend and sometimes has me tied to a chair to watch them. I would have to say her sex drive never really diminished, it just evolved.
For me, the non-sexual stuff, massages, foot rubs, serving etc build up her interest in the purely sexual play. It’s not like I walk in the door and she is ready for a good licking, but she is always up for a shoulder massage. Enough massages etc and she enjoys the attention so tease and denial or similar is bound to follow at some point. Nothing turns her on like feeling special and loved...
I have found that like you I need to serve. Back rubs, foot rubs, and just discovering hair brushing and head massages. This seems to get her juices flowing. After about 3 weeks of adoration, she has these super orgasms. 6 last weekend. Toys not piv. I can not keep my hands off of her.
There has been a slight shift in plans. Saturday night she had movie night in our garage with the neighbor lady (I decided to leave them alone so she could have some time away with someone else) I was in bed and texted her "I would love to come out after she leaves for an after-movie snack. The pleasure is all mine. It would be the perfect ending after girls night out." She came in after putting stuff away, I asked if she saw the text (regret it now) and she complained about me always wanting sex. I apologized nicely and went to bed somewhat grumpy. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about all the ways I can get my wife to get into the mood. After thinking of every scenario for a while I began to think of the MANY comments on CM about cutting off the orgasms. I realized that everything I was hoping for was to manipulate my wife into wanting me to penetrate her. After feeling ashamed of myself I switched my way of thinking and fell asleep. I decided I should cut out the orgasms. I put my chastity cage on and went back to sleep. I know there are different opinions on this, When I woke up I came up with a plan to become a better husband, talk nicer to her, compliment her, take care of things that I know she'd appreciate and STOP the sex thoughts and quit wanting an orgasm. That morning she went to the store alone (she never leaves the house) and that's when I kicked it into high gear! She was going to give the dog a bath so I took care of that. I washed the kitchen and bathroom floor, cleaned the toilet & shower, cleaned the kitchen sink, stove top, fed the kids, put away anything that I know would bother her. I had a decent amount of time to think and my number-one plan was to NOT look for rewards. I didn't tell her anything I did. I asked her how the shopping was and let her talk about whatever. I made an awesome dinner, rotisserie chicken and fried potatoes. While everything was cooking she went to the neighbors for a cocktail and asked me if I wanted to come over. I told her I will when I'm done with everything - plus a little time away. Chastity goal - She doesn't know I have the cage on. There are two keys. I put one in her purse on her side of the bed under the change purse...because I'm trying to change. The other, I zip-tied it to the shelf in her closet. I have to make a ruckus opening the closet doors to get to it and cut the zip-tie to get it. My oal is to avoid her seeing it, quit drawing attention to it because I feel like it shouldn't be about chastity, it should be about making her happy and satisfied. This morning I made her coffee while she was asleep and put a little note on it saying "good morning. I hope you have a good day. I love you." When I was at work she texted me "Thanks for the note (smiley with hearts around it) Love you too (heart)." I'm going to start writing little love notes but not get out of hand. Another new goal. When the strapon arrives on Thursday I'm not going to draw attention to it. I'm not going to give it to her and say, 'tell me when you want me to use this on you' or 'surprise me when you're ready to use this'....bla bla bla. I realized that if she wants to try it she'll say something. When she's ready I'm going to make love to her however she likes it. If she asks if I need to finish myself off the answer is 'not tonight this was just for you.' So, I switched to serving her in a more loving way on my terms. I just have to keep to my plan and quit the orgasms and not make a big deal about it. She'll come around when she's ready. Sorry for the long post! The tips from CM members are helping.
Wow I can really relate to this post in all aspects. Just as you described i initially was only worried about my orgasms but as I and our relationship matured I realized my selfishness and wanted to make sure she was satisfied. Even at that point it was typically 1 O for me and 1 O for her and I thought we were good. It really wasn’t until a little ways into chastity that I was falling short on what kinds of pleasure I could offer her. I sadly admit that probably a lot of our sex in the past was not as satisfactory as it could’ve been. Yes I brought her to orgasm but all she’d want was the 1 O and then we were done. I now understand that it probably took her a lot of effort to make that orgasm happen and she just didn’t have the energy or patience for me to try to give her another. With chastity as well as some literature about our lovely goddesses bodies I became more in tune with her body and our sex and intimacy started to evolve. Mistress’s orgasms became the only important orgasms to me and once my focus changed mistress would strive for multiple orgasms and I would proudly be the one giving them to her. Then other aspects of our relationship changed as she became more dominant with me. It was like I had to prove to her that I could be the submissive she wanted before she would show me just how dominant she could be. A Yin and Yang effect really to encourage and nourish the types of behaviors we were working towards for each other. For instance, I bought Wonder Woman a collar and leash that had mistress on the handle of the leash and slut on the collar. I bought this about a month ago for her/us and she absolutely loves it. The first time we had a chance to use it and actually enjoy it was just this last Sunday. I had just walked into our bedroom after putting our son to bed and mistress was waiting in bed for me with a very naughty look on her face. She was also completely naked and purposely flashing me while holding my collar for me to come closer so she could put it on. She fastened the collar and then pushed my head down into her wet and waiting goddess temple. She held my leash and would pull on me to show me she liked what was happening as well as who was in charge. I pleasured her for an hour resulting in 5 very satisfying orgasms for her. Afterwards as my reward she allowed me PIV with the idea that it would over very quickly for me which it was God I love that kind of control from her. I agree with how you feel @cogman in regards to being given an O and not allowed to reciprocate. My mistress loves to randomly get me off with a handjob or however she feels and when she springs these spur of the moment O’s on me I know she doesn’t want anything in return. I very much feel like it isn’t sex but now understand she does it as much for her own personal pleasure. Ultimately for us chastity isn’t just about kinky sex or sex at all. For us it’s a power exchange and my obedience to her coupled with all the sweet things I do for her just like many here have mentioned. Cooking for her, bringing her coffee in the morning, endless foot and back rubs and treating her with the respect she deserves. What brings me relief is seeing her so happy and fulfilled in our relationship that her inner domme comes to the surface more and more as she is more and more content with our status quo.
Mistress enjoys the dominance part of it. Domination doesn't always have to be sexual pleasure, which is the point of this thread. It gives her pleasure in other ways. Its like once she gave me the wooden spoon in IKEA in public, not so much like she bent me over and pulled my pants down or anything stupid like that, but it was still clearly a ummm dominant event, all these women who saw giggled at me it was very embarrassing. Mistress hardly got turned on by it but she sure enjoyed doing it. She did it once with her open hand in public as well...I forget what I said. Oddly , I get turned on at the thought of her doing that sort of stuff. Buggered if i know why but I do. But only to her. Ultimately though I still have to admit me being able to give mistress sexual pleasure is still very important to me, but there are something to be said to quality not quantity and there are other things that can fill the void in quantity