My sub and I don't live together but his ultimate desire, based in his life long fantasies is 24/7 FLR. He gets mentally 'stuck' however ... Once control is take away, he panics and the complicated place of 'how do I cope' takes over. I'm not looking for answers of just lock him up and take away the key. That's not going to work here. If anyone was in this similar place, could you share how you may have moved past it or worked through it? Thank you kindly.
I wouldn't worry too much. Power exchange is hard... if it was easy it wouldn't mean anything real Is it the "complete" surrender that causes the mental wall or the 24/7 nature of it? Depending on what exactly causes the panic might suggest ways to move towards where you want to be. For example, if it's 24/7 have you tried on-days (weeks)/off-days(weeks)? If it's the complete surrender, have you tried separating parts of your life where he still has autonomy? If this feels like it may be a way forward it might be an idea to discuss and document it. Two reasons for documenting it: It's easier for the two of you to be clear about where the lines are in a less than 100% situation; As the two of you feel more comfortable, amend the document but keep previous versions. That way when things get hard, you can both compare the progress you've made and what you've achieved together. Also, talk, talk, talk. You'd need to do that to get the document right and that should also build up the trust which is the bedrock of your relationship anyway. Good luck to both of you
Agree with the poster above that communications is key. If he's panicking about losing control, then sit down first and agree what the boundaries are. What are his hard limits? As long as he can be reassured that he won't be taken anywhere he doesn't want, he will be more comfortable submitting. Good luck
Thank you both for your replies. We are actually great at communication, thankfully! That's how I know the catch 22 he seems to be stuck in. Here is the issue ... We have done chasity with the idea of on and off time ... He is stick between a rock and a hard place with this ... 1. If it's not fill time, it's not meeting his fantasies and need for complete control. When he is unlocked, it's very overwhelming for him coming back to reality. 2. When there comes a point of control being fully taken (always a safe word to end it) he hits the panic of how to cope, even though his thoughts and desires from very young have always been that loss of control One is not enough, one is too much ... It's very difficult.
Maybe just keep him locked and take it off regularly for play. Only caveat is you have to be with him for him to orgasm and go from there.
I don't know what the right answer is and this sounds like a tricky thing to work through. Here's one idea that could be useful, or if not might lead to another idea that could be useful. It sounds like when he's locked, he really wants it to be a total loss of control for an unknown period of time. But you don't have to indulge that right away. You can be strict with him, make it clear that losing control to that extent is a privilege he'll have to earn, and start with short periods locked where he knows when it's going to end. If he's able to endure these shorter periods without freaking out, he can earn a longer lockup next time, and work his way up to the full fantasy he wants. But he'll have to learn both to endure it when he's locked, and to take it with good grace when he's released, to earn longer periods locked.
You can buy a KitchenSafe on Amazon and you both agree on a time period he will be locked. He will have to buy another on for $50 if he wants out early because he will have to destroy it to get the key before pre set time.
Have you tried pre-defined periods? Starting at a few hours (or a day) or whatever time period suits, so that there is certainty around when he will be allowed out. Once he is comfortable with a defined period, you could then change it up to variable (between 3 & 5 days) or something similar, to put in an element of certainty (worst case / longest case scenario) but still allow a small loss of control in that ultimately you get to decide when within those parameters he is released.
Yes, we have set up rules about when to be locked up. It's like this incredibly hard spot he is in ... He will lock up as told (difficult for him, but he does it) and when it's all over, it's super overwhelming and he hated going back to 'normal' life again. But then the idea of staying locked up sets him in to a panic and he can't get over the hurdle of 'how do I cope' with the loss of control. I know, it's super tough. I just can't find a way to help him transition back to normal life easier or help him last the panic. Both are incredibly distressing to him.
If he has a hard time coping, you will both need to help him learn some coping mechanisms in order for him to deal with what is going on. For me one of my coping mechanisms is how I perceive myself. I am not My Beautiful's Submissive nor am I Her slave. I hate feeling stupid or lesser than those around me. It enrages me. So for me, those titles will not work. But if I change my way of thinking to something more positive, I can cope. I fully believe that I am Her Knight, Her Samurai, Her Warrior, the Protector and She is my Queen, my Daimyo. I protect Her, our Home and our Family. I provide for our Families well being. I do not kneel to Her in submission, I kneel to Her to honor Her. Now I do not see myself as weak without a voice or will of my own. (I could not function like that) I now see myself as a Warrior and Protector of the Queendom. I took what I perceived as a negative and turn it in to a positive that I can not only relate to (I have an extensive background in Martial Arts) but I turned myself into something I have always dreamed about. I am a Champion and a Hero of our Home. This is how I cope. Everyone is different so no 2 coping methods are the same. I hope this helps. Iso.
That is amazing and so well said. I find the more I embrace the concepts you speak of, the easier I find my own path to be.
Thank you. It has worked for me because my coping plays into my psyche and helps feed my ego. With this process when something is taken away, you need to find a replacement for it or you will not only go nuts but you will relapse in to old behaviors. If one control is taken away, you need to find a replacement for it. That's the key.
Damn. That right there my friend is why I'm on this site. No BS, real world zen mindset advice for those of us who at times find ourselves out there drifting helplessly against a tide of emotions that need put down into their place. So that we can be in ours. Thanks for sharing.
I should say too, that since I've allowed myself to believe in the tenants of which you speak it has vastly changed my experience. I can remember all too vividly my insecurities and the destructive nature they possessed. Now though I can see them and recognize them for what they are and push them down. They will always be right there I suspect, cajoling me, tempting my male ego to succumb to their poison. Now though I know better, and even if at times I'm weak and give them more credence than they deserve, I know it is just a passing moment. If I give myself time before reacting, to see clearly who I really am, then I'm better than good. I feel like I just climbed up off the mat and didn't entirely get my ass kicked.
This is brilliant! Thank you! I think this may be something I can share with him to help get past the barriers her has in his mind. The idea of replacing the control with something else, that's very him. He loves to succeed and this might just do the trick!
You are more than welcome. If you need anything else just send me a message. Good luck to you both. Iso.
Focus on emotional needs. What he is dealing with is fear and feeling vulnerable, not in control. Reassure and comfort him in ways that don't involve his penis. Make sure he doesn't feel forgotten or neglected. Living separately can make this difficult, so you might have to get creative. If you are able to visit him, physical contact (cuddling, kissing, etc.) along with reassuring words can help a lot.
Beautiful how u made it work for the both of u Iso For the OP - i feel as if u need to ease up a bit and give it in smaller doses as he builds confidence in himself and u. The gap between fantasy and reality is something that needs to be bridged and resolved especially if he has been fantasizing about the activity for a long long time... For me its kind of a buzz kill if he orders for "spaghetti" and then panics when he sees his plate full of guess what - "spaghetti" ... id have a long talk with him and match out expectations. A little fear and excitement on the sub is always good. Panic and lashing out is not good. For me its indicative that he is overwhelmed.
He needs to work his way through it, if he keeps tapping out, you won’t move forward, you need to be cruel to kind, but still be supportive, don’t give in and unlock him, keep telling your doing it for his own good, and if he persists, tell him he can have out but then it will all be over, And remind him he doesn’t want that. You will get there.
I agree with madamssissysub, that firmness may be needed along with talking. Often letting someone voice their concerns issues and fears alleviates anxiety. Like therapy. Just take it one day at a time. Also perhaps giving him extra tasks and chores will keep him focused on you instead of his issues. Maybe some fun tasks that stimulate his submissiveness and devotion to you. If all this fails let him talk to me so I can tell him how tremendously lucky he is to have you doing this for him AND being so patient too, and how some of us as hard as we try, cant find our match. Especially today.