I need help with the wife...

Discussion in 'Novices and newbies' started by tecolote, May 12, 2020.

  1. tecolote
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    tecolote Long term member

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    So, we've been doing occasional chastity for nearly two years now, but she just doesn't seem engaged.

    She says she wants male chastity and orgasm control. She says it every time I bring it up, but she rarely participates.

    I'm at my wits end. I've lost patience. I don't see a path forward if she won't participate. My goal is not being locked and left alone.

    I recently wrote her a letter (see my journal for the letter). In the letter I basically laid out the reasons for chastity. For me, those reasons boil down to me wishing we could have a much less vanilla relationship, but recognizing that she isn't comfortable with that. Chastity is a way for her to remain fairly vanilla while I am living a kinky lifestyle and remaining faithful to her. Basically it's a way that she can be comfortable and still give me the kink I need.

    She "agreed with everything" that I wrote, BUT because COVID-19, she feels that she cannot focus on such things right now.

    I don't know if it's valid or not. She has real reasons to worry about the health of her close family. But COVID-19 is going to be an issue for a while. Months at least, and possibly a couple years or more. I'm not OK with putting our sexuality on hold for more years. In my mind, we've already been on hold for 16 years. Thereis always complications in life. I'm done waiting for complications to clear.

    I've been considering a nuclear option. I'm not sure what exactly. Maybe embalock or a remote keyholder. Basically taking the key out of both of our hands for a couple months. Maybe shaving too, because she hates that. The idea is to remove the key long enough so that she runs into the issue of wanting sex, but being unable to get it because she didn't take charge of the keys.

    There are problems with the plan. Honestly, it's a shitty plan. For one, she can probably go indefinitely without caring for sex. This hurts me more than her. Maybe it also hurts us? I can't even think straight. I can think straight enough to know the plan sucks, but not much beyond that.

    Help me formulate a better strategy...
     
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  2. Abstraction
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    Abstraction Force of nature
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    I'm very sorry you're going through this. It would seem your wife's lack of interest in sex is translating to her lack of interest in you (or vice versa), and she's using excuses for this lack to focus her attention on something else, deemed more important. That's not a good sign. Covid is a problem but after it another problem will arise, then another - when do you stop waiting?

    I wish I could give you a piece of advice to help you but I'm in a kind of a similar situation and would love to get advice too. Suffice it to say sexual intimacy is an important component of a happy marriage and when it fizzles out for whatever reason both partners should work to restore it - if they want to stay together, that is.

    Perhaps she doesn't realise the situation is as desperate as you see it? Maybe as far as she's concerned, your 'kink' is just a whim. Some people do see sexual intimacy as an add-on, a luxury in a relationship: if it's not there it's not that big a deal as long as other components remain intact. But strangely, once intimacy goes the rest is under the threat of becoming the next 'luxury' - and will there be anything left in the end?
     
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  3. Mrloched
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    Mrloched Long term member

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  4. tecolote
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    tecolote Long term member

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    I don't think so. She's always been this way. I don't think I could convince her to persue treatment for this. I've considered it, but ultimately I think it would be easier to get her to participate in kink, lol.
     
  5. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Sounds like she is perfectly willing to hold the key, just not wanting to put the n a role or spend time and effort into teasing the way you would like.

    So, are you willing to sacrifice the attention you crave for her to hold the key and unlock you when she is ready? If not, it may be time to put in the drawer and wait for her to be a willing participant.

    If she’s waiting for the worlds problems to be solved before she can feel comfortable to sexually explore her dom side...you will be waiting awhile.
     
  6. madams-sissysub
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    Perhaps you should just leave it for the time being until this whole corvid thing is under control, it has my madam terrified to.
     
  7. mcfeely
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    mcfeely Long term member

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    Nico is right. Could be a long time. A common thread here and other web sites is that is seems women just don't want sex. Everything I read in mags etc says they do want it but the proponderence of comments indicates otherwise. I don't think it is a control issue since most women seem to be fine and controlling in other situations. Or maybe it is a control issues, using sex to control the spouse and with the laws in the US it is pretty tough to fix the problem without getting burned in court.
     
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  8. mcfeely
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    mcfeely Long term member

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    You might also want to just deny her when she asks you to do something for her, not because you are being mean but it may be a good way to start a conversation on how it feels to be denied by someone you care about. Good jumping off point.
     
  9. Anonoman
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    Anonoman Long term member

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    I know where your coming from :(
    I’ve written probably similar sort of things to my wife. This is one of them below:
    https://www.chastitymansion.com/forums/index.php?threads/letter-to-my-wife.35550/#post-368419

    Then a few days ago I wrote this for her:
    (I like writing as it helps me try and be clear. Sometimes when we talk, I/we get side-tracker or let emotions rise or don’t say something the right way...)


    I’m thinking the thought of being responsible for initiating play/sex in its totality and coping my sometimes not very well hidden disappointment, is putting greater pressure on you and not taking it away as it is supposed to? May I make the following proposal: As before, you keep the key and only use it when you feel you would like to and you also can initiate play/sex at any time you want. But what is different is that once per week, say every Saturday or someday of your choice, we have a play with the toys? That’s ether just me, under your instruction/supervision, or I play with them with you or some combination. This gives me a fixed date to look forward to and build excitement and be patient for. At no other time will I have any anticipation of any other sexual play. However even then, you don’t need to use your key unless you would like to. It could be week, a month or even longer before you decide you would like to unlock me for play or sex. That is completely your decision. May I ask that, if you do use your key, you absolutely insist that you take it back immediately once finished? I don’t like giving it back at that point… May I also ask that there are no periods when I’m unlocked and unsupervised or on my own? I can now clean really well without removal. Perhaps for an occasional full check and deep-clean, I do it whilst you’re waiting in bed?

    I really like the idea of having a day to look forward too and I really hope this could take away the remaining element of pressure from you :)

    My wife liked this idea! Just need to how it works out for us now :+1:
     
  10. Abstraction
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    Abstraction Force of nature
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    @mcfeely - I beg to differ! Not all women don't want sex just like not all men are constantly horny. The situation becomes problematic when one partner wants sex and the other one comes up with every excuse in the book not to do it. At times, one wonders if it would be easier to just admit loss of interest in the partner instead of stringing them along with false hopes.
     
  11. mcfeely
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    mcfeely Long term member

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    You are quite right and that is a problem when we speak in generalizations. I think it is very fair to say not all women don't want sex etc... but in general I think it is probably more important to men then women. I only say this because I hear many more men complaining about this aspect of their life then women. so what is the solution to disparate drives that is fair to both?
     
  12. Abstraction
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    Abstraction Force of nature
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    Maybe women don't complain as much because they don't want to be accused of not being attractive or sexy or desirable enough for their men?
     
  13. asimpleman23
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    asimpleman23 Long term member

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    ...is that even possible...??
     
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  14. Gigaman
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    Gigaman Long term member

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    There are 3 types of wives that are talked about on CM.
    1) she enjoys the kink and the sex.
    2) she does not need the kink/sex like I do but she is willing do it because she loves me.
    3) she does not get it does not want it. She may let you play by yourself or she may say it’s ok but does not engage you.

    Number one is easy for us guys but it’s hard to find, kinda like winning the lottery. Especially for us older people as this stuff was not easy to talk about in the old days and we did not have access to info like you do now.

    Number two is good for most of us. Some guys need a partner that is really into it but I say as long as she is engaged and it’s fun it will work for most coupes. Usually found in a loving and caring relationship, best friends for lack of a better term.

    Number 3, the dreaded number 3 can be a relationship killer. There are sub categories of number 3. Some woman will say yes and later they won’t engage, why? Maybe they don’t want to be confronted with it, they hope it will go away. Or they just hate it and want nothing to do with it. If the guy is hooked on the kink and she does not participate it can end a relationship over time. It causes resentment on both sides and for good reasons. The guy hooked on the kink can’t get his fix, the woman is being forced to do something she does not want too. And in her eyes it can be a relentless day after day.

    Your nuclear option is a bad idea, it always was and always will be. You can’t force her or maneuver her to do what you want. There is only one way in and out and that’s Communication. Do it by email, text, of face to face. If she says one thing and does another you need to find out why. If you can’t communicate all is lost. The kink will not fix a relationship issue, you guys need to be friends you need to be able to talk each other.

    Sorry I went on for so long but this hit a spot with me as it probably did for many others. You see your not alone, you have many brothers that were or are in the same boat you are in. There is no one path to the place you seek, we can’t tell you how to fix this. We can provide you with ideas but you know her best and only you can Change the events that are happening.

    Don’t let the kink cloud your mind or drive you to a rash decision. There are many components to a good relationship. If you love her you will see that and you guys will try to find something that works for both of you.

    I could be wrong, in fact BK Wife tell me I am usually wrong :)
    Good luck!
     
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  15. luckyhubby83
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    luckyhubby83 Long term member

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    they say women are the ones who need emotional connection and affection.
    im beginning to think thats a load of BS as im experiencing similar woes with my wife as the OP has with his.
    theres always going to be something going on in life to explain away why intimacy is put on the back burner. after a certain point a man will say forget this and find something to entertain himself, be it porn, a hoby or someone else who will share affection.
    is sad that so many women think this way. then again im sure just as many men are content to get drunk watch TV and pass out than interact with their wife.

    is it really that hard to show interest and act on it every so often?
    i dont get it. if anyone does, please cue me in on the secret
     
  16. Abstraction
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    Abstraction Force of nature
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    Apparently so.
     
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  17. Anonoman
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    Anonoman Long term member

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    My wife has admitted her sex drive has hit rock bottom. I struggle(ed) with that as I felt she therefore doesn’t desire me anymore. Loves but not ‘in love’ with me. To me, it’s all mixed up - I love her and I desire her therefore I want to have Intimacy and hopefully, ultimately, sex.
    Also, even more frustrating, my wife enjoys sex. She always orgasms and gets lots of attention. She’ll often start saying what we’ll do ‘tomorrow’ in the heat of the moment. But ‘tomorrow’ never comes. It will be like trying to show a cat something!
    That’s why I’ve asked if I can have a set day when I have some fun. That way there is no growing ‘expectation’ on her or disappointment from me. It seems a fair compromise to me.
     
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  18. Abstraction
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    Abstraction Force of nature
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    My sex drive has always been pretty high so the set day is a good idea to keep my frustration down (or, at least, at bay). Of course, it only works when that day brings what it's supposed to bring.
     
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  19. locked_top
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    locked_top Caged tiger

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    Nope, you are too blinkered.
     
  20. Abstraction
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    @Gigaman - option 3 also includes the wives who tried to engage, didn't fully understand what they were supposed to do, didn't get any direction from the husband (who assumed they'd just 'know' what to do), and quietly withdrew, blaming themselves for the ensuing unravelling of the relationship and seeing themselves as a failure.
     
  21. PeturKitty 58
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    PeturKitty 58 Long term member

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    Great thread! I think in these type relationships each partner needs to feed off each other. It's really a 24/7 thing. That doesn't mean a full blown scene every night, but a sexy text or a passing squeeze keeps the pot simmering. A little femdom goes a long way and it literally takes seconds. In my opinion both partners get back what they put into it. If your wife likes the love and attention you put into pleasing her, then she should put the same effort into pleasing you. World events and life in general happen. They're not excuses to blow your partner off.
     
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  22. asimpleman23
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    asimpleman23 Long term member

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    one weeps, then.
     
  23. Gigaman
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    Gigaman Long term member

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    @Abstraction You are so right, there are a lot of different stories that fit the subcategories of #3, in fact too many to list. I would’ve loved to put them all down but I’m not very good at putting my thoughts on paper so I just stuck to what I had experience with. It must be horrible for a woman to feel like a failure when they give it their best try.

    I must say I was one of those idiots that pushed my wife into this and did not give her a lot of direction. Then I switched and I was giving her too much direction, and overwhelming her. It took years for me to figure it out. Notice that I said me, it had nothing to do with her she was doing just fine. It was my expectations and my cravings for the kink that was slowly killing the relationship. It’s definitely a balancing act, some days it works some days it doesn’t.
    I feel as long as we both keep trying, evolving, and having fun it’ll all work out in the end.
     
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  24. AlfaMan
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    AlfaMan Active member

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    Sorry but I think the title of your post should read, ‘I need help with my relationship’.

    There is no easy fix for the situation you find yourself in, and despite the great advice you will get here, the only resolution you will achieve is by open and frank communication with your wife.

    I’m very lucky, my wife is a number 1 as per Gigaman’s list, but then she has always had a high sex drive, and has been part of our chastity journey right from the very start, 50/50 all the way. But that’s the crux, she was just as into this change in our lifestyle as I was, it wasn’t something that I dropped on her out of the blue, that she then had to get her head around. That said there was lots, and lots of talking, discussing, and planning before chastity became a 24/7 aspect of our lives. Chastity has had a very positive impact upon us as individuals and as a couple, but none of that would have happened if we didn’t have a strong physical relationship in the first place.

    As has been said, sex/intimacy is a fundamental building block of a well rounded marriage, and as such maybe that issue is the one that you should be focussing on, not the chastity. I suspect that you developed the concept of a chastity lifestyle in your head, worked out the pros and the benefits, dreamt about how amazing it would be for you both, to the point where you can’t see any reason why your wife wouldn’t be totally excited by the idea when you told her and all would be caged bliss for ever more. Then I suspect you sprang the idea on her and was then very upset and confused as to why she doesn’t see the way ahead as clearly as you do. If your wife is as vanilla as you say she is, why on earth do you think that she would suddenly adopt a ‘kinky’ lifestyle? You MUST address the sex issue first before you move forward. It seems, as others have pointed out, that she is always looking for a reason to not commit to more sex etc. Why is this? This is the question that needs to be answered.

    She is probably confused as to why you would want to do this, embarrassed about discussing it, scarred about what would be required of her, and whether she could keep up this lifestyle for years to come. There could be any number of deep seated reasons why she is reluctant to join you in this, some that may be obvious, some that may be deeper set that you’re not aware of. Just because you want this doesn’t mean that she does or should have to go along with it if she really doesn’t want to. Why would you want her to if that was the case. Where’s the joint pleasure in this journey if she’s just along for the ride? She needs to have/want her hands firmly on the wheel if you’re going to both reach the same destination.

    Why do you REALLY want chastity? What do you think it will be bring to your marriage/relationship? If you think it’s going to transform your sex life, then I think you’re going to be disappointed, and that disappointment and frustration could inevitably lead to animosity and bitterness. Is chastity more important than your marriage?

    I totally agree with others who have suggested putting aside all things chastity, for the time being, and focusing on talking with you wife. Talk, talk, talk, talk. It truly will be the best thing for both of you in the long run whatever the outcome.

    I wish you all the best, and please keep your finger away for the big red button
     
  25. asimpleman23
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    asimpleman23 Long term member

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    now isn't that really what any of this is 'supposed' to be about?

    a writer friend once (and often) said:

    "the definition of intelligence is the active pursuit of pleasure. the definition of wisdom is paying the going rate."
     
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