Chastity and regular home fights

If we get into a legit fight, chastity couldn't be any further from either of our minds. Therefore, it doesn't ever get brought up, much less used as leverage.

 

Once when we first started, we got into an argument and she threw her key at me. I asked “are you really giving this back? Breaking up with me? What? Cause I can take this off and leave it off.” She said “no, I don’t want that” and then we talked through our argument.

I know sometimes it seems silly and odd to be wearing this thing when you two aren’t getting along. The thing to remember is that there are plenty of instances that your chastity device isn’t really necessary, but those instances also don’t really mean that you should take it off either. Being sick...chastity device is not really necessary, the last thing on your mind is jacking off or sex. Family health or death is another thing that puts a reality check on all this, financial problems as well. You just have to remember that the cage is part of you. Just because it’s not kinky or fun for a small amount of time doesn’t mean it comes off.

As far as her using time in chastity as a threat or used as something she will make fun of you for in an argument...if she wants to keep you locked up she won’t imply weakness or tease you about it. Giving you more time in chastity...well that just comes with the territory. But how is that different than any normal couple in an argument? If she is upset with you, what are your chances of you two fooling around? The only difference is that when your locked, you can’t self pleasure while she is upset.

My advice is to stay the course, not use the device or chastity as something you can take off or on as YOU please, it’s part of you and it gets removed when she unlocks it. The more you put your input into it, the more she may feel like she is just along for the ride and not actually the one holding the key.

 

I'm 100% with you that chastity can and should continue through all situations where sex & kink is the furthest thing from the mind. However, I'd also argue that it shouldn't be forced either, especially for couples new to fulltime wear. When life gets serious, I sometimes feel rather put off by kink and the cage can start to seem a little ridiculous.

Nowadays, I'm at the point where I can easily put the cage out of my mind (i.e., it's just a 'part of me' as you say), but I can also see how resentment could build in such stressful times. Chastity shouldn't add more stress to an already shitty situation, and I think a break is justified if you find yourself unable to compartmentalize.

 

Excellent explaination @Nicoftime. But I have just gone through a serious argument w my GF of 7 yrs (1 yr KH anniversary last wk). I think the cage was/is a problem. She gets more of the "he has no choice and has to deal with me" power trip now. And that bugs me even when I'm not thinking of sex.

We talked through it (I was upset because she left me locked and ignored through my 3 week battle w coronavirus), she had an interesting explanation that I have to accept: "Look, honey, I worked too hard to get you to this point of submission. We both know you will revert if unlocked for 2 weeks so that isn't going to happen. You should take this as a sign that, even though life gets in the way, I very much love you and want you."

Typing this, I'm still not sure how to process it all. Yes, Chastity does empower her, even when it's not convenient or for my pleasure. So?

The things I didn't think of when I said "Sure, let's try this"

 

I think she made a very valid point, is very engaged in her control, and understands chastity and submission.

I am sorry to hear about your covid by the way. On that note I would say that submissive backslide isn’t as bad as the possible issues you face. Common cold, catch a little bug, toughen up buttercup. This on the other hand is a bit more serious and removing the device and focusing on getting better is a higher priority than worrying about losing your subbie mojo.

So if it was me I would say “thanks sweetie, I appreciate you wanting to take care of me and us, but this is something we can return to after I’m better.”

 

@Nicoftime I agree she should have done this, but she is a nurse. A tough one. I got it from her and she got over it quickly. Her attitude was and is "toughen up buttercup". An interesting combination of compassion and calouses.

I picked my Magic lock to get some sanity (not sexual) but we have a Lori's coming and that wont be an option next time. I need to come to terms with her really being in control or else walk (which I dont want to do). Lesson so far is that Chastity empowerment is going to take her places I'm not always comfortable with, but if I love her and all the good stuff I need to accept this (and put my faith in communication). It's a bit scary.

 

The best thing about having an argument is making up afterwards! Especially when it ends in the bedroom! In our case of course that means she gets to ride her strap on and orgasm whilst I'm left swollen in my cage and frustrated! So she will always get the "last word" and it helps to re-enforce the fact that no matter what happens, she's the boss!

 

My chastity is part of our FLR. With my wife in charge, we rarely have actual rows. When we do, we resolve them like normal couples without reference to kink... unless my wife is morally sure I'm just being grumpy and unreasonable, in which case there are kinky consequences, not entirely pleasant.

 

That's heart-warming, and I'm happy for the two of you. I'm sure you're grateful that she's so loving and that she's openly expressing her leadership, and that she's not going back to the way things were before.

You picked your lock? I bet that didn't end well....

 

same here!

 

We don't argue too much to begin with. If I'm in chastity and it's a legitimate argument or debate it would be unusual for my penis or its cage to enter either of our minds at that point. Having said that, especially when I am in chastity, I refrain from saying or doing anything that would likely cause her to take issue.

 

It just depends on the nature of the issue. If we are talking about something of importance that involves our future, our finances, family, etc. then chastity is out of the picture. We have equal say in those matters. If we are talking about what to eat, what to watch, whether we should go somewhere or who should drive, it is understood that my being in chastity means I am submissive to her. So if she asks my opinion I will give it, but if she feels different I let it go.

If you're asking why I am not as submissive when not in chastity, I don't know, that's just our dynamic. In the bedroom she is always 100% in charge whether I am in chastity or not. When I am in chastity that dominance extends somewhat beyond the bedroom.

 

There have been times where, if Dani has consistently bucked my control or been disrespectful, I have considered hanging up my key for a few days to refocus. And that's not because I'm "just doing it for her" or trying to punish her using chastity as leverage or anything like that, but because loss of control is a terrible feeling and as a domme (at least for me) it brings this flavor of failure as well that can sometimes be really overwhelming. I'm also happy to say we've always been able to talk it out at that point without the need for a break

Certainly though, as someone who is in a long term relationship with her sub, we have plenty of arguments where chastity is the furthest thing from our minds even though she's caged 24/7.

 

Because Chastity was her idea we have quite a different relationship than many here. I don"t get in trouble as long as I own up to it (that way she can tighten her grip). She just asked how soon the Lori cage will be here.

But soon after making up I felt like crap for my weakness. What the heck is she doing to me?!

 

As I understand it the question we are being asked is “if we have an argument that has nothing at all to do with chastity, is the chastity cage brought into the argument?”

I think that your answer to this will depend on how ‘real’ your use of chastity is in your relationship. It also depends on how integral it all is to your relationship, as in is it just something you do occasionally for fun or have you reached the 24/7 stage? My answer to the question is no.

The only time my chastity device has been part of an actual argument was very recent and was ironically when I wasn’t wearing it. We had been through a period of extreme stress that lasted for months (which is why my involvement in the Mansion has been so limited recently) so my Wife left me unlocked for several weeks, and although chastity was and is expected it was never mentioned.

Throughout the same period and for the same reasons, almost all sexual activities stopped. We have been doing this for over five years now and this March was the first month in all that time that Elle had no orgasms at all. These two facts had a major impact on me, they made me question how real what we have been doing is, they made me question how serious about it Elle was and made me feel like all the wonderful things we have been through were over.

It all comes down to communication. When we finally talked about what was going on everything became clear. One of the things I had worried about was does Elle actually want me to be submissive? Does Elle actually enjoy my submissiveness? The answer was a resounding, absolute yes. The problem had been during this period of freedom I had pushed back, been grumpy and argumentative.

It turns out that Elle had left me unlocked as she thought that it would give me one less thing to cause me stress. She hadn’t realised that in fact the opposite was true, that wearing the device gives me a sense of purpose and self that actually helps with the stress. The result of the conversation has been a definite return to the better times and a renewed interest in sex on her part. Me being grumpy wasn’t the only thing that had stopped her wanting sex but it certainly hadn’t helped!

I am expected to be courteous and respectful at all times. We discovered the concepts of FLR shortly after starting our discovery of chastity and they have now become our way of living. So while the device is not brought up, my place in our relationship is. I will never forget the time Elle raised her voice and dealt me a verbal slap with a single word. Attitude! The reason this had such an impact was it was in a packed Starbucks cafe on a busy ferry! This was one of the first times that I realised that what we are doing is real.

With regards to how and why sex is important and how Elle having orgasms has an impact, she was very right when she said my chastity doesn’t depend on how many orgasms she has. My response to this was while that is true, my own submissiveness is reinforced and reminded by the way that she gets to have an orgasm and I don’t. If neither of us are having an orgasm then I remain chaste but without the reinforcement of the fundamental difference between us and the level of control that she wields.

 

This all sounds very familiar!

 

Controlling you, it sounds like.

 

I really appreciate You sharing this Domme perspective. Sometimes as a sub, I'm just being bratty / unruly to get a response or to be put back into line and I never really considered that it has this result.

Sidebar: I totally miss talking to Your sub on here. Send her my best

 

This is the key to this discussion. Are you practicing chastity, or are you in a FLR with chastity?

In a FLR, there may be corrections, but few arguments.

Otherwise, you may be practicing chastity, but without the FLR framework, all regular relationship disagreements and communications (or lack of) methods apply.