So today I get this phone call from a friend who is obviously upset. I cant figure out what is wrong so I just come straight out and ask. Turns out he is in a non-vanilla relationship with this lady friend who is the Mistress in the relationship and he the sub role. Now while I certainly can respect each role I was shocked to hear that this so called Mistress took the liberty to share their personal information with a third party without his consent. He was obviously shocked as well and was in full panic mode. He, much like I, lives in a small community and has taken great care, 10 years of care, to keep this part of his life private. the first time he finally meets someone he thinks he can trust he finds out she has told one maybe two of her friends of the relationship. Now I can certainly see his side and in someways can see how her side of the situation could take place as I have friends in this lifestyle who obviously have friends. My question here is where does the trust boundaries lie in your opinions. Let me just say this was not a sub wanting to be outed and needed a push, this was a plain outright hard limit agreement that was violated here. Do the Mistresses here think this is acceptable? I would appreciate some insight before I give him my advice. My guts says if the small details cant be entrusted with her now then get the hell out before the serious stuff comes into play. Maybe I am over reacting, maybe not. I just know that besides the normal etiquette in this lifestyle mutual respect and trust are paramount to the relationship being a success. Having been a Dom for years and now a sub for a few there has never been a time when the feelings, wishes, and limits of both parties (especially when clearly defined) should ever be ignored. Anyway let me know your thoughts I would love to hear them.
Wow, that would certainly mess up a trust agreement now wouldnt it! You didnt say exactly what kind of information was shared though, for him to be this upset I would only assume it was something like where he lives or works. If that is the case I would say this Mistress way crossed the line. I dont think that it is ever appropriate to share that kind of information and I really dont see why anyone would want to. I mean, whats the point? I do share certain things between My properties, but not personal stuff, and certainly not anything that the slave has requested not to be shared. But then again, most of My properties all chat between themselves so if they want something shared they can do it themselves. All that being said...I would have to know what exactly was divuldged before I could really comment on whether or not She crossed the line. I mean, for example, I had a conversation with someone not to long ago and simply asked where they lived, and I got from them, Central US, when I questioned them about it, they went off saying there were some sort of porn police looking on sites for people like him LMAO...come on now, maybe I am naieve but um, I dont think knowing what state someone lives in is going to bring down the SWAT patrol. Anyway, thats a bit off subject but it does go to show that some people are a little over the top when concerned about identity. Id say hes going to have to have a long chat with his Mistress and see if they can come to some sort of understanding, because if he cannot trust Her anymore, then we all know the relationship between them is ruiened. Curious....did you know this guy was into this before? Because in your opening line you said hes in a non vanilla relationship, sounded like you didnt know he was into that. And....does he know you are? If not, I find it funny that two friends are into the same kink and dont even know it. Mistress Michelle
Thanks Mistress Michelle for your input. Let me clarify some things to get the best responses. 1) The information that was shared by his Mistress was information that allowed her friends to know who this guy is in the real world environment. They may or may not know who he was to her but only knew he was her submissive play partner. His requests that none of their relationship be divulged and they only be known to others as good friends or possibly that they were dating period, no BDSM information. She agreed stating she did not want anyone knowing this either as it would possibly cause her problems with her ex. Because of what and how she shared the information her friends now know he is a submissive serving her AND what he does and where he works in the vanilla world. 2) I had no idea he was into this but he did know I was which is why he approached me. He felt bad for not telling me earlier but I guess he failed to realize the extent of which I was involved and even at that I never mentioned chastity as that would have shocked him, I think, maybe not LOL Now in her defense, if there is one, she has assured him that the people she shared this with are obviously fully involved in the scene and would not want outed anymore than he would and by saying anything would out themselves. While I certainly understand her comments, I think his original point is the trust was broken and now he is panic mode of how to handle it. Placing the same trust in people here and having a recent similar experience I can understand his fears.
I guess I have to agree that trust was broken here. Regardless of whether the information was divulged to other people in the scene or not, I think it was inappropriate for her to do that without his consent.
I have to agree that it certainly appears that there was an inappropriate breach of trust, but unless the friend in question thinks it was done maliciously then he should try to make this a teaching moment. Some people are just lacking in forethought and sadly they need help sometimes to realise that errors have been made. SO don't get too mad over the spilled milk, help save the next person from having the same mistakes made.
Hummm....Telling people where someone works is NOT acceptable! If anyone wants to know where someone works it is up to that person to share that kind of information. I cant even imagine what was the purpose of such a conversation. She is right though, if the people are really into this lifestyle I am sure nothing would ever come of it but the trust thing is another issue. I'd still be having a very long chat with her if I were him! As for his concerns, I really think he should calm down at this point and try to relax. I doubt very seriously that these people would contact him or anything so I would just go on and try to calm down. And then, contact his Mistress for a heart to heart chat! One good thing has come from this, you now know what hes into, and he knew you were already, so he has someone to confide in if he needs help, which is wonderful. Mistress Michelle
It takes a while to develop trust in a world where we need to be in the closet for either personal or professional reasons. Although the damge might have been done, the lesson to be learned is to state up front what one's privacy needs are, not just one's limits in the lifestyle. I certainly trust all the folks I have met so far, and I respect their need for privacy as much as I know they respect mine
Hmmmm....Well, I can see both sides. His side...he's freaking out because someone "outed" him and he's scared someone will notice him. Her side....she was probably proud to finally have a "pet" who shares her interest and wanted to tell her friends about it. She *bleeped* up. I'm sure it's not going to come back to bite him on the hiney, but you never know. So, he either forgives and moves on or sends her packing. If he decides to stick it out, it's going to take a long long time to build up that level of trust again. I sometimes forget that secrecy is sometimes needed in this lifestyle. I personally could care less who knows what I like in the sack. If they're all that interested in it, then maybe we can talk about it. If it's to give me grief, then I didn't need that person in my life anyway. But, I do understand that some need to be discreet. Anyway, I feel bad for him. Having someone betray your trust really sucks.
As a transgendered person, I can fully understand your friends concerns. I'm constantly reminding my GF that my lifestyle is private, and that is the way I want to keep it. Part of the thrill is to do this and have nobody the wiser. I agree with Goddess Jen, She was probably just excited about finding a sub. My GF shows such exuberance. I'll relate a story. My family knows I'm TG, but not all of my friends do. A lot do, but friends of friends are just acquaitances to me. So, my GF and I were at a friends house, and their daughter was dating a new guy. My GF was talking with him and found out that they had gone shopping for dresses. This new guy said that he wanted to try on the dresses too, but was turned away by the fitting room clerk. My GF gets all excited and starts talking about wigs and makeup and disguising him as a girl so he can get in and try on the dresses. Then she come up to me and start talking about it enthusiatically. While I'm happy for the new guy and my friend's daughter, my friend had other people there that kinda know me, and they gave me a funny look. Later that night I was a little dismayed but we discussed it. She didn't see anything wrong, but I felt a little let down, as I had nearly been outed, or probably had been with suspicions. I really don't blame her, as she knows I'm comfortable with being TG. But that doesn't mean I want to proclaim it to the world. Anyway, I digress. I also agree with others that trust is something that once lost is hard to regain. I've noticed that people are generally trusting, until someone does something that makes them untrustworthy. Of course, a mind spited can make all sorts of horrible things up, exaggerations and things that simply aren't true. I also agree with the other here that a heart to heart is needed, with a stressing of the importance of privacy in the activities one finds fun. Maybe he can get her in on the "it's our little secret that nobody else needs know about.....and that's what makes it fun!"
Privacy has a whole different meaning depending on ones location, means and relationship status. When i lived in the big city privacy was an easy thing. i didn't know my neighbor's name and didn't care to. if he/she had a kink, so what, it wasn't going to be on the news. But now, in a small town, nothing is private. And what happens with a neighbor is 'news'. i don't want to be 'news'. i feel for you. hopefully, nothing, other than a small embarrassment, will come of this.
I certainly agree with what has been said about trust. On the other hand we need to realize that over a life time it's very likely that people will find out bits and pieces of our kinky lifestyles. Every serious relationship I have had (and there have been 6 or 7 during my lifetime) has involved some form of dominance and submission. Some of these women told mutual friends some of the details I'm sure. I had to face the fact that a lot of people knew about my kinks. But when you think about it no woman is going to say anything that reflects badly on themselves. So, you think the truth is out there but it probably is not. I have made no effort to convince people that I'm not sexually adventurous. Most people aren't. They get titillated when gossiping about other people's sex lives, but basically they're frightened by sexual experimentation and not all that interested in really knowing what goes on in the kink world. When I have been approached by someone who has this kind of knowledge about me, I have simply said, "You know, there is a kernel of truth in every lie." - and just left it there.
From this sissy's point of view it simply depends on the kind of relationship. As she told in her blog there have been several Mistresses who didn't care about her shyness for being outed as the sissy she is: First Mistress Tasha told all O/our friends how tiny and impotent sissy moan's clitty is - and if She would have know about my love for lingerie She for sure would have told this as well. Then Mistress Gunilla who first made this sissy Her little pet and then presented me to Her Boyfriend Lee who had been sissy's own best friend before. Then Mistress Elke who not just found it totally amusing to present Her sissy gurl to Her Lover Kay P. one evening. A little bit later She had petting with Him at a party and when She saw how upset Her sissy was She just told her to stay away and to seek her comfort where she was used to get it anyway - in her own pretty lingerie! Now this sissy is the property and legal sissy wife of Mistress Rose and She has told - and shown - several of Her Lovers and One-Night-Stands how ridiculous and submissive Her sissy is. This all could have been obvious signs of betrayal and to tell the truth Mistress Tasha as well as Mistress Elke did it just because They wanted this sissy to feel hurt. But Mistress Gunilla and Mistress Rose knew that it would be the best for sissy moan. To be shown to understanding Superiors would help her to feel in touch with her true sissy nature. And in the end it would help her to overcome her inhibition to be what she is meant to be. So if it happens in an atmosphere of love and trust and taking care it's completely different then betrayal. * curtsey * sissy moan
the sorta friends I have it wouldnt really matter. I have alot of straight friends into BSDM like that, and if i had a mistress and they found out. it would not even phase them because they're just as kinky as I am. But if the relationship is supposed to be private. yeah the trust was violated