When to tell the Girlfriend?

Certainly being open and honest is crucial to any relationship. But I would focus first on establishing the kind of trust on everyday acts and finding for sure that your relationship is developing into one based on love. If you become intimate, then sharing your personal desires and interests makes sense. To make it really work, center your efforts on pleasing her first, then she may be more receptive to your needs as well. Good luck and enjoy life.

 

I once read an article from a guy with an interesting take. He said that by the third date, he tells potential partners that he's kinky. Why? Because after that, there's no point in either of you investing more time and energy; if you date for six months or a year, and *then* tell her, you've both wasted a year if the compatibility isn't there.

 

I’d agree with @Tom Allen and @MissyB - communicate and listen. Both sides should have a say in the matter.

 

great advice it should be a gut instinct feeling by you when it "feels right" to broach the subject, obviously the sooner the better in some ways before either person gets too deep.

 

If it makes you feel any better, I'm in a similar situation. I also tend to be pretty shy around anybody my heart feels anything for.

On the other hand, Most of my relationships have fallen apart because my kinks were discovered rather than disclosed. Have I learned the lesson? I hope so.

 

Step 1: Find a girlfriend.

Sorry, but you can't skip ahead ;-)

 

If I'd told Mrs Chaste that I didn't want to have sex with her until we had known each other for at least 3 months she would have either raped me or got rid of me! And I wouldn't have been married to her for 27 years, the last 6 in chastity!

 

A few thoughts from my experience:
1) It is likely that you are kinky and have chastity fantasies because of porn. So quitting porn will probably cause the more extreme kinky desires to fade over time. (like the fantasy of remaining chaste forever). I think your decision to quit porn is a good one and more and more studies are showing the negative affects of porn. Take your time and don't pressure a potential partner with porn inspired expectations.
Ironically i found chastity online through porn and then it helped me break free from porn addition. Would never have considered chastity otherwise.
2) I agree with others that you should communicate about your kinks, but don't make the relationship all about that. If you're serious about someone, you should grow together. Some kinks might work, others won't. Don't dismiss a relationship over one or 2 incompatibilities. You need to compromise or nobody will be good for you. No relationship is perfect and you need to work through things together.
3) Call me old fashioned, but I also think there is no need to rush into sex. We waited until marriage and have been happily married with a great sex life for 12 years now. My wife also indulges my chastity fetish from time to time, even though she's not crazy about it. It's not a complete FLR lifestyle change like some people here, but we compromise on our expectations and it works well for us now. (We did have some fights over the years, but those were mostly caused by me trying to push for too much, too fast with bondage, toys, etc.)
Good luck

 

When you find someone, get to know her as a human being. Talk to her. Share ideas, thoughts, beliefs, desires. Become close. What you absolutely don't need to do is jump straight into discussing matters of sexual preference. That will come in due course, and you'll both know when you get there. Jumping straight to that part before you've bonded as individuals will most likely end in failure.

Good luck. Take your time. Don't be discouraged. Go out. Meet people. Enjoy life.

 

Well spoken!

 

The best part of new relationships is that that is when people are most motivated to try new things for their partner. Get past the first few dates and well into the infatuation phase.

 

My advice is, 'sometime after the first sex (not necessarily full PiV) and the first row.'

When there is some kind of commitment, but too early to be dragged up and thrown back at you.

 

Absolutely my experience; though nowadays I am so far out of the closet that few are under any illusions before a word is written in a message!

 

Yes, I am always of the opinion that the best way of finding someone, is never to look or someone.

Just find things you like doing in the company of others, and rest just happens naturally.

If you are enjoying yourself you will come across as much more interesting and attractive.

Much better than if it looks like you are desperately looking for 'someone, 'anyone will do'!

 

I also think sooner is better than later, I was so so lucky my madam turned out to be just as kinky, if not more so than me!

 

I am of the firm belief that anything in life that feels good is worth doing as long as it isn't at someone else's expense and doesn't do bodily harm to yourself or others. (e.g. - smoking or doing drugs). I believe that sex and sexual thoughts are one of the few things in life that are enjoyable and free (at least in most cases) and should be experienced to the fullest.

I find nothing wrong with porn. I believe it keeps the mind sharp and fit sexually. After all a good part of sex is mental. Like everything in life both mental and physical..." if you don't use it, you loose it". If someone enjoys golf it is very beneficial reading and viewing everything they can having to do with the subject. Same thing with sex. So I say - don't deprive yourself.

As for marriage... there is more to it than sex. While being able to enjoy sex with your partner is important, the other parts of the relationship such as thinking alike and enjoying spending time together (if you are really interested in a long term relationship) are much more important.

We cannot have have everything we want in life and there are always compromises. The person you have the best sex with may not be the type of person you could spend the rest of your life living with. So you may have to make some compromises regarding the extent of your sexual kinks because it is rare that two people will have the same ideas and limits. I am pretty adventurous regarding sex but my wife was very conservative and vanilla. We have had great sex but it wasn't very kinky. However we have been together for nearly 40 years and are still best friends and in love as much as when we met (maybe more)..

The other thing is life has it's own ideas as to what it has in store for us. Things can happen such as accidents, erectile disfunction, cancer and so much we can't even dream of that can unexpectedly change if we can even experience sex together. A lot of women loose interest in sex completely after menopause. We have to learn to live with what life dishes out to us. That is why the types of sex that we have with our partner is the least significant part of the relationship if the relationship is to survive the unexpected.

So what I have been trying to say is worry more about compatibility and finding the person you can build a long term life together with. Don't worry so much about if your partner will accept your kinks. You will have the rest of your lives to work on that part and people do change their ideas and limits over time.

 

Like with all things in life... moderation and finding a balance are most important. As is practicing 'self control'. Some people have eaten or drank themself to the grave or into poverty because of not having 'self control'.

NTl, maintaining a healthy sex drive and a high level of mental sexual acuity is important so don't cut porn out of your life completely.

 

Nothing wrong with porn other than sometimes pathetic people who get hold of it and can't detach fantasy from fiction.... what is really needed is not a ban on porn but a way of testing people's fitness to deal with it and refusing access for those that fail the test.