Am I ready?

Hi Monte72

Good question. For me still early days in chastity, six weeks continuous locked now. The longest continuous period with my wife holding the key and to be honest the longer it continues the more normal it feels as a lifestyle change for both of us. However its been years in the making, from me being self locked and finding the right long term chastity cage/ belt that suits me through to my wife being more accepting at holding the key was a gradual process which I think is the normal for most couples, and Yes as time goes on while locked, the reality is better than the fantasy as it brought us sexual aware more closely and more connected and because I don’t masturbate anymore and come to terms with the only time that I have any type of sexual release is when my wife decides, I feel more honest and settled with myself and closer to her.
I hope this help?

 

If you have a keyholder in mind, then the correct question is, "Are we ready?" because it is a huge adjustment for you as a couple. You aren't ready unless your keyholder is ready too.

If you don't have a keyholder, you can just start and see if it's for you. I've never been locked out of a relationship (except to try it out briefly before telling my wife) so I can't really say what makes a self locked guy "ready". But as long as the key is accesible, there isn't a huge risk in trying it out.

 

You can rarely know if something is "right for you" unless you experience it.
These days, you can get a cheap chinese device for peanuts, that will give you some experience. The bigger part of chastity is mental rather than physical, so do read up on it, there's loads of good info and advice in this forum.

And, however fast you get into it, your partner will take twice as long, so be patient.
That patience is good for making you more submissive, having to wait for your partner to catch up and "get it" becomes easier as you experience those "got it" moments too.

Will it be right for you? Who knows?
Should you try it? Hell, yes!

 

That’s an entire novel of questions. You’ll know when giving is more important to you than receiving. Than it’s a progression were the time frame depends on your relationship and commitment. Months or years it’s up to you.

 

I moved to chastity when my madam told me I was going to be in chastity and told me to order a cage. And I knew it was right because it’s what my madam wanted! I didn’t realy have any expectations, but the reality is just as good as the fantasy!

 

Remember you don't need to go straight from fantasy to chastity lifestyle. Experiment. Play with it. Cage yourself for a few hours only. Go outside wearing it. Get used to it. Just enjoy it.

 

For me, it took a year and a half, maybe two years to get from "this is fun to wank to" to getting up enough nerve to ask my wife to try it with me. Took us another few months to go to 24/7.

But I agree with the above - go at your own pace. Try it slowly if you're nervous.

 

It was ten years ago, and the initial reality was way harder to cope with than I thought it would be. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut look where we are now, lol. It's great. I'm sure there's a lot of positive reinforcement going on here but these days I find masturbating with permission to be much more enjoyable and fulfilling than just having the freedom to whenever I want.

The best tip I could give is really try to accept that you're not in control of your orgasms anymore. Once you submit to that reality, it's even more fun.

 

For me it was not until we bought my Queens Keep from Mature Metal. It just seemed so stout and serious. After being locked up for almost 6 weeks the let down and mental mood drop inexperienced was so bad that snapped everything into very sharp focus. The zero point was that orgasm really negatively affected my mood in ways I had never imagined. I just thought I was an unhappy dude most of the time and coped with anything that would lift my spirits.

So, I did what every ignorant man would do and continued masturbating when not locked. Then I would do a longer lock up again and measure my mood and like clock work. An orgasm after extended lock up periods just trashed my mood.

I’ve come to grips that my orgasms are now limited to when my wife allows them. Which is increasingly more seldom.

 

A lot of good advice and experience here. How do you know it's right for you? Easy -- if you masturbate to the idea of chastity and how a chastity device would stop you from masturbating so much, it's by definition right for you, because you already know you need the help a cage will bring. As doesastold says, you know it's taking more and more masturbation to keep you from being unhappy, but it's the masturbation that's making you unhappy and getting in the way of your attention and service to your wife. As Notouchy and boninchas say, however, you'll need to be patient. You've been thinking about it for years, but it's new to her. It's going to take a while for her to get it, to see how beneficial the changes are for her. In the meantime, your patience is the first exemplar of your submission, just wearing the cage without bugging her, letting her see how you change as a husband when you don't masturbate. The reality is better than the fantasy, because you'll finally feel complete, feel at peace with yourself and know you're becoming a better husband. The first step is the hardest -- talking to her, telling her you masturbate (that's just sooo embarrassingm but you'll be surprised that she probably already knows), tell her you need her help to become a better husband.

 

I cant say I'm experienced as such but can report my findings so far after 8 weeks of chastity most of it has been 24/7 with 1 or two day rest periods nearer the start.

So I brought chastity up with my wife for a number of reasons. I was masturbating heavily to femdom porn. I have been attracted to femdom my entire life but never experienced it for real. The masturbating was effecting my mood, realtime sex life and health, I recognised it was getting out of control yet I longed for some realtime femdom experience to the extent that I did go looking elsewhere on dating sites etc which made me realise for the first time I'm not alone in the way I am and that dominant women do exist but In the end I couldn't go through with being unfaithful so I knew that I would have to be brave and approach this with my wife.

So she agreed to keep the key and not to let me out unless she wanted me out. So far I haven't asked to be let out.

So what's changed?
I do chores around the house now like you wouldn't believe. I cook, iron clean I could go on and on here. I realy do look after her now run baths massage etc.
I have started to look after myself by keeping fit and loosing weight, nicer clothes appearance etc.
I can't believe how much energy I have now I'm not masturbating as much.
I feel closer and more loving to her. More interested in what she has to say and talking with her. My mood is better, I feel more positive in life.
I've had 4 orgasms in 8 weeks 2 were in the first week so you could say I've had 2 in seven weeks. My wife has had a lot more. She would acknowledge that I am a better person in chastity and has agreed that we will continue. I can say though that the sex or PIV we have had since chastity started has been without a doubt the most memorable ever and its here I see signs of her authority and discipline but I don't see it so much day to day.

Its not the chastity that turns me on though but the Control I feel she has over me whilst I am locked in Chastity part of me wants to test her control to make sure she realy will keep me this way. I do crave authority and discipline from her on a more day to day basis other than when we have PIV but I'm not sure how to approach this.

I am currently at nearly 3 weeks now with no orgasm. I have strange sensations at this point as I've been here once before where I feel so desperate to have an orgasm. I feel squirmy and super submissive and I think she can sense this.

I didn't realise how much I was rambling on so I will end it here. Sorry didn't mean to write so much.

 

Terrific and honest report, @My-submission. You're doing great, and everything you report is consistent with my experience as a chaste husband -- right down to wishing she'd expand her authority and discipline on a day to day basis. As with everything else, as you did when you told her you needed her to hold the key, you need to open up to her, let her now you need her leadership and training in other areas too.

 

Thank you @Rectrix, Do you have the authority and discipline now? If so how long did it take to get to that point and how did you bring it up?

You would think that after jumping the first hurdle of asking her to lock your cock up any other suggestions after that would be easy.

 

As a KH I can tell you that it hasn't lived up to my expectations.

I thought that given my other half had fantasised about this for years and had made comments about being a pleaser, I thought that he would have been actually into the idea IRL. The problem is when it came down to it for us re: fantasy vs lifestyle: Chastity wasnt a precurser for sex. He wasnt being locked up to be tortured and enslaved. I wasn't going to reward an hour locked away. I wasn't going to reward two days without porn or jerking off.
He was locked up to control his habits, not very sexy when you think about it, for him or for me. To a degree it pisses me off when people on CM say they changed their behaviour when the cage was on and then back to being shit when it was off as a way to convince their woman into chastity. That's pretty power bottom behaviour, and that isn't how things should happen. Don't think us women don't notice such bold moves.

It is super vulnerable for a dom to finally say, OK lets do this. You lock yourself up for me, because this is what YOU wanted, and I will be responsible for your slip ups from now on as a KH. Especailly if it was an idea introduced to her, that she believed you so badly wanted that she enabled your wishes instead of being steadfast with her own.
It hasnt worked that way for me. To be honest, I wish that I hadn't believed he would be as easily chastised as he said. I put far too many eggs in that basket, and when he didn't follow through with the lifestyle as agreed - I lost a lot of the power I put into Keyholding. A mistake I won't make again. There is nothing fun about being a keyholder on his terms, not only did it ruin my own chastity development, but it showed that regardless of what was said in lust - I didnt actually have the final say.

Maybe try keeping yourself locked up for 5-6 hours a day, and keep a daily tally for a month - sort of like locktober, but without the pressure on you and stress on her to keep you locked. For her, knowing that you are making an effort on your OWN accord to do this; proving youre willing, able and mindful enough as her sub to actually submit to a new phase, is a big deal. If you're having trouble adjusting your mind from associating it with sex/jerking off/porn expectations, put it on where you aren't at home and are forced to focus on something else. Don't sit at your computer in chastity looking at (or worse, thinking about looking at) photos and wonder why chastity isn't working to achieve its purpose in your relationship, or why you're constantly horny when in it.
My sub tried telling me he coudn't go into chastity without jerking off first because of this, and given that his masterbation impacts my sexual satisfaction and further enables his singular sexual mantality and the fantasies that flow from that, I actually would prefer he isn't in chastity until he has a bit more sexual maturity. I don't really want to know he is in chastity.... because that means at a minimum he rewarded himself with an orgasm before that.
It isn't a funishment or a kink extension, or at least wasn't when it was introduced to our relationship. It was meant to be as a tool as part of FDLR, and when it became just a kink, a hassle, an excuse or an inability that I seemed to be nagging for and he being full of excuses with; I lost a lot of interest in pursuing it further - especially when it was his idea to begin with. Will take a hell of a lot for me to be vulnerable as a proper KH again I think.

Make sure you both know where you stand. Make sure you're aware of her headspace aside from sex and chastity. Make sure you're aware of your mindset when you're thinking of chastity - are you thinking how hot its going to be finally being able to fuck her after days locked away leaking....or are you thinking about how you're sacrificing your selfish actions to better your sex/partnership with her.
Make sure you're not trying to enable a lifestyle you've envisioned but aren't prepared for. Make sure you're ready for it to chafe, be sore, be uncomfortable. For her to be disappointed in you, and for you to make her proud. Ups and downs no matter how you look at it.. but just make sure it isn't just the destination that is the same for you and her, but also the paths to getting there. If they aren't....as they say: Happy Wife, Happy Life.
Follow her lead and forego her apathy; or follow your lead and forgo her rule.
Good luck

 

To the O/P, I noticed you've joined 2 1/2 years ago. I understand being cautious but it's not like you're signing up for the French Foriegn Legion. What's the story?

 

It took 8 or years and a few false starts before my Wife accepted my need for chastity and agreed to hold my key.

Another 2 years or so after that before we both realized the added benefits to us both of permanent orgasm denial

 

Initially the entire experience was dominated by trying to make myself and the cb-2000 compatable. It was quite a while before insane discomfort was no longer the governing factor in how long I could remain locked and thus denied for.

It was only after that was all sorted that I started getting into it. Absolutely no pun intended. I could tell that my then wife whilst being both sympathetic and supportive was becomming impatient about control being all hers.

 

If you play with the idea, it's not wrong to try it out. You don't have to go all in like many of the guys here have done - maybe chastity works better as a fantasy for you than a reality. I was also afraid of the commitment so I chickened out when my gf signaled that she was ready to make chastity "regular" thing. So I've been alternating between more or less strict orgasm control and chastity and being free and sometimes even the dom in the bedroom for the past few years. And you know what? That's perfectly fine because I based my decisions on what I personally, and the relationship itself, needed. Yes, this behavior was selfish at times, but it's all a journey and nobody knows yourself and your situation better than you. So just experiment and be open for new things. In my experience, it's best to just let things happen their natural way instead of going into this with a fantasy or a clear goal in mind.
What also helped me is the fact that my gf learned to treat chastity as a "phase" where I was hungry for being the submissive in our relationship. Those usually last for a few weeks to a few months. However, this also means that I can initiate a new "phase" of chastity without being afraid of the long term consequences (like I have done now with a new, serious cage), because she knows we will usually end it sooner or later. While also being kind of sad, it's a huge mental support for me to know I can still decide to go back to more or less vanilla when I really want it. We're still young and deep down I know I'm not a submissive person. My motivation right now is just to get our sex life out of this hole where it ended up for various reasons - my frequent masturbation being one of them. So right now chastity is more of a tool for me than fulfilling a fantasy. And that's okay, too, at least in my mind. It's all up to you and your partner. Life is about trying things out, and if you end up in an unconventional spot, who cares, as long as you two are happy with it?