Is this how it starts?

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by Varmint, Jan 30, 2019.

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  1. BR_Saiph
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    BR_Saiph Self-published author

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    So true. It's taken 16 years to get where we are today.
    First 3 having two kids was some intro play that was nothing more than once or twice a year.
    And 16 years ago it was a pathetic home made thing I'd made ( no eBay, no internet), just some strings to pull it down between my legs. Sad but true.
    I didn't push, maybe because I didn't even know how badly I wanted it and maybe because I was insecure. Either way thank God I didn't.
    Over the first 10 years of having kids they suck the life right outta ya. In a good way but true regardless.
    So we played all kinds of kinky sex games but rare chastity.
    Then I got a CB6000s and we played the occasional time.
    Then as the kids no longer needed all her focus and energy I started asking for more like as in a couple times a year for a few days.
    Then three years ago I knew I wanted it bad (ah self growth takes so long) and gave her articles from other women and asked to try it hard .
    Then off and on full bore for a year, ramping up. Then Bam. Life hits ya
    Took almost 8-10 months off with hardly much serious play, then suddenly that magic switch got flicked in her head and Jesus man, I'm living the dream now.
    So I didn't have the benifit of this site or anyone to guide me and I wish I had. I would have saved my wife unnecessary headaches and bullshit she didn't need.
    Everyones journey is so unique but I can't say enough about never giving up on your needs and desires but while doing so, be ever so patient and understanding as you ensure you are meeting her needs and desires too as a mother, wife, and as your lover.
     
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  2. El Modino
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    El Modino Active member

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    By any chance, do you have those articles you gave your wife handy ?
     
  3. BR_Saiph
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    BR_Saiph Self-published author

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    No sorry I don't
     
  4. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    Love it!
     
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  5. little minion
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    little minion Little minion

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    Using the key and take the worry you could have the spare key in sealed envelope in your pocket in work she would know if it had been opened
     
  6. Varmint
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    Varmint Member

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    I figured I'd re-use this old thread instead of starting from scratch. It makes sense too, since I'm still on the 'is this how it starts' topic here, just many months later. I've been gone for a while.

    Before I disappeared, I'd probably been locked up for six weeks maybe? Possibly more? Then one day the wife said she wanted a break. I didn't object. So off it came and into the drawer it went.

    I gave it time. A few months later I asked to be locked back up for a bit. She didn't take me up on it. I let it go. A few more months went by. I asked again, same result.

    This happened a few times. Eventually she caved and (very reluctantly) locked me back up. A few nights later she wanted to have PIV sex. I was like, OK hold on let me get this thing off... but it was too much. I'll skip the details, but we had a real crisis moment. It was unprecedented in its severity. Too little sleep, stress, and life pressures combined in a really bad way. I'll never know how much of it was the cage versus any/everything else but it really freaked me out. I said we never had to do chastity again, and I meant it.

    It took a few days or more for things to get close to normal for us. When we had a moment I told her I was just going to throw it all in the trash can. She said no, don't, but we didn't talk about it any more than that. I was surprised she said no as I had assumed it was a never again kind of thing.

    I let a lot of time go by. Months.

    Eventually I brought it up. I was scared to do so, but I was also ready to accept no as her answer. And I got a no. I let a few months go by and tried again. Same result.

    A week ago I tried a third time. I'd been thinking about it for several days. When we talked, I told her that the holidays were coming up. We were hosting. I remembered how grumpy I was last year and wanted to not feel that way. I told her that I thought being locked up would really help me get through it. She had seen the ask coming before I got to it, but to my surprise she didn't say no. She wanted to barter.

    She had never gone this way before, but I was wide open to negotiating. She wanted some stuff for Christmas that was a bit over budget and I wanted to be locked up. I'll skip the details of the negotiations and just say that she locked up that night with plans to keep me locked up until shortly after the new year. She is getting what she wanted for Christmas.

    So I'm back, and I thought I'd check in. Do other couples have a transactional kind of thing with chastity?
     
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  7. tecolote
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    tecolote Long term member

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    Eventually you may find that you have nothing left to barter with.

    If you find that she is some day telling you how things are rather than negotiating, are you going to be OK with that?
     
  8. Varmint
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    Varmint Member

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    I'll be fine no matter how this plays out. If I never get locked up again, I'll be fine. If she suddenly discovers this works for her and I stay locked up forever, I'll be fine. Frankly, neither of those are likely outcomes though.
     
  9. Drews
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    Drews Long term member

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    I have never bartered material objects. We have discussed why I am locked and agreed upon the reasons. For us it was very different sex drives, me three times a day and her every week or two. Led to me jerking off constantly being crabby and pretty bad at sex when she was in the mood. We discussed it was to keep me from jerking. We have sex whenever she wants and does not unlock me if she is not in the mood. Her rules were in no possible way was I to be submissive which was easy because I only wanted to end my jerking obsession. It took about a year to get totally comfortable and now I am almost always locked unless she wants sex. The reason I described my situation is that there seems to be a disconnect or lack of communication. If you are nicer and a better husband why does she need a break? Somehow locking you is a struggle for her. Maybe she thinks it is mean or something else. If there is ever a chance to make this work you are going to have to find out what the struggle is and come to a solution. I would suggest at the correct time and in a very non threatening way you need to tell her you are confused. You want to be locked to make things better for both of you. what is not working and can you fix it. Hopefully you can find out how to make her happy. My wife struggled for a long time now I cannot go unlocked even if I begged.
     
  10. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    I agree with Drews. There is something that bothers her that she isn't telling you about and it's impossible to overcome a hidden objection.
     
  11. Abstraction
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    Abstraction Force of nature
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    @Varmint - was your wife happy with your sex life before you started locking up? Maybe she feels like she's playing a second fiddle to the kink. Maybe she went looking for information about it and found out she'd 'have' to sleep with other men or make you cross-dress. Or maybe she's thinking, 'what's the catch?'

    Did you ask her what her objections were?
     
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  12. Varmint
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    Varmint Member

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    We have talked about it a few times. Bottom line is that she prefers 'normal' vanilla PIV sex. She doesn't like how it looks either and it makes her uncomfortable as a general concept. She also like to be able to have PIV without having to unlock or deal with any of it. She is more of a sub than a dom if I'm being honest. If it wasn't for me asking, she would never do any chastity stuff.... it just doesn't do anything for her sexually. It's frankly a bit of a turn off.

    With all that said, she does see improvements in my behavior, she does admit to feeling more supported, and she genuinely acknowledges and appreciates that whole side of it. She doesn't hate it, and seems to be more comfortable with it this go around than in the past. I'm skeptical that the benefits will ever outweigh the costs for her though and I doubt she would ever lock me up without me asking for it, or decide to just keep me locked up indefinitely because she wanted to.
     
  13. Varmint
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    Varmint Member

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    Good questions. We have had a decent sex life for the most part, but nothing amazing. She had a back injury several years ago and says she hasn't been able to O like she used to ever since. They are just smaller I guess.

    She probably does feel like she plays second fiddle to a kink. I do have a few. That's a tough one to address for me.

    I doubt she did any research and she knows that her having sex with other men isn't something I'm asking for or suggesting. She did bring it up on her own as kinky sex talk one time when we were having sex and it's fun to discuss under those circumstances. I have told her, outside of the bedroom in a regular conversation, that if she wanted to do something like that, we could talk about it, but she isn't interested and I'm not at all pushing for her to do so.
     
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  14. Abstraction
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    Abstraction Force of nature
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    @Varmint it looks like your wife isn't going to shift on this, at least not for now. Of course, playing second fiddle to the kink might not be the case in your head but it might be the key factor in hers.

    It does take some effort to change one's thinking, especially if one has always seen sex as being PIV only and the only way of satisfying each other is by both partners having an orgasm through PIV. If that doesn't happen one partner might see him/herself as a failure and, understandably, withdraw from the process or become more and more reluctant to engage. They might even see themselves as an obstacle and, also understandably, start comparing themselves to the kink: what does it have that I don't have?

    In some cases, the partner's love for the other overcomes this and the partner who's not into the kink looks for a way to get into it and, who knows, maybe even start enjoying it too. :) And in other cases, the bitterness of what is perceived as rejection is too much to bear.

    What I'm trying to say here, your wife might or might not come round - but if she's willing to talk about it, even if it's during lovemaking, she's not discounting it completely. Patience, love and communication should help.
     
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  15. tecolote
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    tecolote Long term member

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  16. Abstraction
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  17. Drews
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    Drews Long term member

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    I think you are making some progress if she is dealing with it better. My wife is also extremely vanilla and not into the kink at all. My wife also likes PIV vanilla sex. What worked for me was to make it as vanilla as possible. She refers to it as my cage not chastity device. She also says she manages when we have sex, she does not control me. Those simple phrases made a huge difference. We also discussed how important it was for me to save it for her and how much better PIV sex was for both of us. We discussed how it was worth it for me to wait until she was ready and made sure she I focused on her needs during sex instead of myself but also let her know by waiting made sex amazing for me. I told her sex felt like when we just got married and I love putting that focus on her. It was a slow process that normalized that she now loves. She now sees it put a spark back into our sex life and is extremely happy and she knows I am also. Basically let her know the cage is to make you focus on her not the kink and ask her to give it a try with that thought. Hopefully something here can work for you.
     
  18. Drews
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    Drews Long term member

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    One more suggestion on top of my previous. You mentioned your wife has trouble with orgasms. One thing I do when I am locked and the time is right when we are in bed is satisfy her orally without much of a discussion beforehand. At the beginning she then always said I will even the score and take care of you even though she was not into it. I then started telling her she could if she wanted to but I would prefer to just cuddle. She has learned to love my attention and enjoys it is just about her. With your vanilla wife just let her know the cage comes off whenever she wants sex and you are always ready. This again takes away the kink and makes her the focus.
     
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  19. LadyBlaze
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    Have you tried doing some things for her. Not cleaning, but maybe give her massage, rub her feet while she is nursing. Pamper her you know. Maybe you are already doing it,because you seem to help out a lot. Sometimes nursing women just need to stay a whole day in bed with the baby, but most feel guilty if they do. Give her me time and extra sleep.
    And as a side note, some couples managed to connect and get a stronger bond, especially with small children around, through ANR, adult nursing relationships.(not the diaper thing) It can create a deep connection without being sexual as well. It is not for everyone though.
     
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  20. Varmint
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    Varmint Member

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    Good suggestions. I do try to give massages and stuff, but I can always do more.

    Nursing is down to just morning and night and is slowly coming to an end as the little guy gets older. I'm familiar with ANRs and would be into it, but I'm not at all sure she would be. I have nursed from her a couple of times, but it was to deal with clogged ducts or because she just couldn't deal with pumping at the moment. Outside of that, the girls have been pretty much off limits.
     
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  21. Varmint
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    Varmint Member

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    I thought I'd post an update. Cage was scheduled to come off yesterday, but I'm still locked up. I'm not totally sure what the plan is but here is my best guess.

    We have had a couple extremely short talks about the situation. More stuff was implied than discussed. This isn't ideal by any means, but experience has taught me that short conversations with her are all she really can handle.

    The first happened when I tried to get something going in bed. She was having trouble falling asleep, which happens a lot these days due to stress and her having a hard time turning off her brain so to speak. Having an O helps her. From my perspective it helps her A LOT. She doesn't think it helps as much as I think it does, or at least she doesn't want to admit it to me. But she does acknowledge that it is at least somewhat helpful.

    Anyways, I asked if she wanted 'to have sex or something'. She said she wasn't opposed but did say something like I was just trying to get her to unlock me. I said no, I just wanted to help you get off. She seemed like she hadn't considered that and said 'what are you proposing' or something to that effect. Eventually she had me use my hands, she had an O and we then cuddled and fell asleep.
    The next night, without a word spoken, she just grabbed my hand and had me do it again.
    At some point we had brief chat. I told her that I wasn't trying to get her to let me out. I said that I'd been locked up long enough that at this point, all I really was interested in was her orgasms.

    We had a second chat a few days later. A tiny bit of background is needed here. We are not yet trying for a second kid, but it has been discussed and we will likely start trying in a few months. We used condoms for a while, which neither of us like. She went on a pill, but forgot one day so then she was worried about being pregnant when her period was late. She is planning to switch to a non pill thing (nuvaring) next month. She doesn't want to have sex without a condom until next month.

    So when we talked the second time I told her that I'd prefer her to keep me locked up until she was ready for non condom sex. I'm not sure how she responded to be honest but she heard me and said ok. We then talked about if it was ok for me to initiate sex, or if she wanted me to just not do that and let her manage it. She said I can initiate as long as it isn't late at night. She added that she would decide if she wanted help falling asleep or not.

    Sure enough, that same night (last night) we went to bed late. I was 3/4 asleep when she finally came to bed. She tossed and turned for a few minutes and then without a word grabbed her magic wand and pleasured herself while I watched in silence. When she finished I gave her a kiss and we went to sleep.
     
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  22. Drews
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    Drews Long term member

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    Maybe she is finally feeling comfortable and possibly seeing a benefit. I would follow her lead but do not push it. Good luck.
     
  23. Varmint
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    Varmint Member

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    From my perspective she seems much more comfortable this go around. We did change a few things to make it easier on her that might be helping. Could also be she is just getting used to it and no longer as worried as she once was. Hard to say and she doesn't really like to talk about it. Time will tell I guess... I'm not pushing it at all and agree that it is best to go very slowly.
     
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  24. Tamed2019
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    Tamed2019 Active member

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    Rugby?
     
  25. Drews
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    Drews Long term member

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    If your wife is as vanilla as mine she might never really want to talk about it, I have been locked for two years now and the discussions rarely happen. I wear it to prevent jerking and save it for her. We do still have an active sex life when she is in the mood. A few months ago I did not put it back on after sex and she did not say anything for the first day, the second day she was pretty angry and new I jerked off and told me to put it on. We have not discussed it since but she discreetly checks to make sure it is on. It seems like your situation may be similar.QUOTE="Varmint, post: 369341, member: 62402"]From my perspective she seems much more comfortable this go around. We did change a few things to make it easier on her that might be helping. Could also be she is just getting used to it and no longer as worried as she once was. Hard to say and she doesn't really like to talk about it. Time will tell I guess... I'm not pushing it at all and agree that it is best to go very slowly.[/QUOTE]
     
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