Ive heard almost a decade of people asking how to ask their vanilla wife to be their key holder, we don’t seem to target what not to say. Everyone has an individual relationship that cannot be summed up in a few paragraphs for us to get to know them, you know her, and in general, if you fear that she will absolutely hate the idea of being in charge of your penis, chances are, you are right. I’m not saying she won’t try, can’t learn, or wouldn’t enjoy doing it, but having chastity explained to them and doing it in real life is something you have a pretty good idea of her reaction. Here are some nuggets that you should keep in your pocket instead of sharing. 1. If you keep me locked up, I will be constantly horny and will help out more around the house and treat you as a queen. -Their first reaction will be why can’t you do those things and treat me that way without being horny. A legitimate question, and the answer isn’t any prettier...because we are selfish, sex driven, children with no self control. Chastity might really turn you into a better partner, but they really don’t want to hear that they mean so little to you that you can’t be that way without being forced. 2. Do not give them a chastity cage as a gift. -I cannot stress this enough. Unless she brought up chastity to you, and you are the one that is reticent, this is your desire, and giving her a tool to help please you, as a gift, will not sit well. Picture this, I love to eat, so happy Valentine’s Day sweetheart, here’s a new stainless steel cookware set to make me supper. You’re welcome. 3. Here is the contract I drew up. -Nothing sounds intimate and sexy like the legal jargon of an amateur law agreement. Talk about overwhelming someone. Setting limits, safewords, or an appropriate time to discuss progress is fine, expressing expectations are too. Putting them to paper, what you are going to do, what she is going to do, what happens if such and such happens...she’s under more control than you and you haven’t even started yet! If she’s game, contracts are fun. But if she is a vanilla person and this is all new, a contract seems like work. 4. You’re doing it wrong. -Nothing tanks someone’s confidence like being told that they aren’t good at something. If she is reluctantly trying something for you, she cannot be doing it wrong. 5. I want. -I want to stay locked, I want to cum, I want you to tease, I want you to tease then deny me, I want you to be strict, I want you to punish me, I want, I want I want. You have desires and needs, but since she is doing you a favor by indulging in this, she gets to be the one who has the final decision. You wanted to be locked longer? Tough. You wanted to at least get out for some teasing? Tough. For the time being, and until she is comfortable talking to you about all this and is ok with hearing your fantasies, it’s her way or the highway. At least until her confidence has grown...don’t be a dick. I’m horny. I’m horny. I’m horny. I’m horny. -She knows you’re horny, she knows you are dripping, she even gets a kick that you desire her so much. She doesn’t want to hear about it every hour, doesn’t want it to be the only thing you talk about, or feel obligated to correct. It is going to be on your mind more than hers. Rule of thumb, if you’ve mentioned chastity, sex, or desire, twice and haven’t gotten a positive response, wait until she has brought it up before mentioning again. My cage is -See the above post, but even more. She has absolutely no interest in the daily issues you have with your cage. She wants to know if you are ok, and if there is a problem. Add more everyone, what not to say or do is pretty long. Sometimes I wonder why it has to be explained that giving a very shy vanilla partner a chastity cage for valentines or anniversary, it’s a good idea.
Don't say anything like "It is all about you and your happiness." It's not. It is about you as a couple. Her wants and whims are not more important than that. If you encourage her to be selfish selfish selfish, then you're the one at fault when she does not provide the level of love and attention you need and you start to feel resentment.
Yes! I couldn’t agree more with your assessments! And about the cage, does anyone else constantly show their keyholder his cage?? My subby flashes me his cage frequently, I think to remind me ‘hey look it’s caged!’ I find it amusing and cute, but, yea, I know it’s there and, like you said, unless there’s a problem I don’t need to check it
Regarding #5 this is something that me and my hubby both have issues with. In the past I have ALWAYS been concerned with making HIM happy and I feel I've created a monster. This time, in fact this morning, when he was going on about "i want this" and "i want that" I stopped him and told him that this is no longer about you!. I'm #1 and what you want is no longer important. I am really trying to start putting my wants in front of his for a change. If I'm the leader I need to start acting like one!
A submale should be respectful and demand nothing. A visible key around the Owners neck, wrist ankle should symbolise the position of power. True leadership in a D/s relationship requires obedience and deference at all times. Bottom toppers do no favours for the truly Dominant Woman and neither to the sub/slave. i make a distinction from those that play and those that live. Each has their respective dynamic, it's just a case of which side one's relationship falls.
You may find some of the books on business leadership, and how 'regular' folks can build that skill-set, of use on Your journey. these may help...? https://www.themuse.com/advice/how-to-say-no-to-anyone-even-a-good-friend https://www.realsimple.com/work-life/10-guilt-free-strategies-for-saying-no
Although it not about saying things, I would suggest getting a cage and making sure that you can wear it without problems before asking her to take the keys. She will lose interest quickly if she has to keep letting you out over cage issues. Also, start slow. Start off with short term lock ups as a prelude to sex. It could be 5 minutes before you start intimacy or hours. Let it evolve rather than trying to create a lifestyle out of it in the beginning.
Well said, these are some very good points. They come up so often I started writing books, including one about introducing your partner. It's amazing how something that you find so simple because you have been thinking about it so much can be a huge problem for a partner who has no idea.
Yes, this exactly correct. He really only "wants" two things: he wants to be in chastity and he wants you to *actively* lead. When you back off or leave him not feeling your tug on his leash he'll start up with "wants." Don't give him that chance, make sure he knows and feels *your* wants.
My KH/wife likes to see me in it. I clean the house in the nude. I even did the Chrismas decorations the house (inside) in the nude last night and I think she video tape me doing it.
The first step to take, to be a leader, is to decide to be a leader. Based on your statement, I have no doubt you will be spectacular.
Yes now one can only HOPE your wants are somewhat inline with his. If a a KH fantasy is to never pay attention again to her sub and his fantasy is constant teasing and domination there may come a point when he feels forgotten and might even consider leaving. I think that’s why being upfront about hopes and expectations is so important early on.
"What not to say" The first is real simple, a good sub doesn't say "no" in a FLR. The sub must realize that this is not a game of "Let's Make A Deal". If you need direction, just ask the open ended question of "is there anything I can do for you?" Then do it, no questions asked, whatever it is. Get groceries, "Yes dear - Change the linens, "yes dear" - Mop the floors, Yes Ma'am - "I need some alone time", just disappear, she'll find you when your presence is required. Pretty simple really, it's all about the F in FLR. No whining, no begging and no backtalk!
Nic, you make some great points. Although I know that we my wife and I are progressing through this steadily and together I also realize that I am and will probably always be a few steps ahead of her regarding how deep this might get. It is important to take a step back some times and take stock of where we started and where we are and how we got here. To let her catch her breath and choose the direction. I know I’m getting better at attending to her needs but I am also guilty of a couple of things you wrote about. Particularly about telling her how horny I am all the time. I realize I need to back off a little and let her drive more. I do think she is starting to feel more comfortable since she told me about a dream in which she was about to get entered from behind by another man. To my knowledge this is the first time she mentioned a sex dream that didn’t directly involve me and I think that is an indication of her feeling more relaxed and gliding through this through in her time. That drive me into a texting frenzy in which I fantasized out the rest of the dream how I would have liked it to go. She said it got her all hot and bothered but I know it was wrong to hijacknher dream and I was toeing a fine line there. I truly think that for us we both need to have our needs met and understand in each other that those needs may and probably will be a moving target as we grow. But so far it’s an incredible ride! Thank you for the sobering inputs and reminders!
Sorry. We’re just so proud of our sexy powerful women marking our most important territory. Remember you may forget for a few hours or even a day that we’re locked but we are reminded every minute of the day the power you have over us. We are just hoping you’re as proud of your handy work as we are to be locked by it.
A female led relationship is a whole new can of worms. Trying to get your shy vanilla wife to be a keyholder is a lot different than starting a FLR. Not to mention that not everyone’s opinion on what a FLR actually is differs for everyone. In my FLR for example I am free to say no to anything. She may plop her feet on my lap for a foot rub, but if I say I am tired or have a headache she isn’t going to get pissy, in fact she may just rub my feet lol! We don’t have the whole slave master back and forth, and even the parts that are a bit more unequal aren’t forced or 24/7. This may appeal to some but she would get bored with a lapdog at my house. A good rule of thumb is if you want her to act in control more, not to question that control too much. Most vanilla partners probably don’t want to be a warden.
Re nugget 1: They will surely realise this once your horny. My wife knew full well the industrious effect control had on me and then wanted to know why. So in the end I had to explain why because she couldn't work it out. She initially thought it was because by not having an orgasm I was simply not fatigued. However, I said it was not that so then she wanted to know how not coming was causing me to help her so much (re housework) if I was not fatigued. Before the explanation my wife only knew that she had discovered my secret and she could exploit it So I think you might be able to explain the reason why re 1; but it would need to be explained more carefully. Such as I do help you and want to; however, control turbo boosts my desire, energy levels and interest in doing things, especially things I don't like doing in my case housework because I find it incredibly tedious to do. It's like wading through treacle for me. Tell her you feel guilty about not doing it. My wife knows I'm not lazy and I will do lots for her without control. it's just that the things I willingly do without control I do more slowly and I get distracted easily. But once control is exercised it's like BAM: Yes right away and then I'll do this next for you: in fact just relax you don't have to do anything if you feel like it. And those things I hate doing because they bore me like crazy; well I relish doing them right now. It is a joy and an honour to serve you.
My wife does not like me asking what can I can I do for her. She expects me to know and to do it without hesitation. If there is something she thinks I am unaware of she will tell me