Sexually fantasizing about one’s partner inhibits relationship-damaging behaviors

Great post. It really reinforces what i've always believed and wanted. i have the privilege of living out my sexual fantasies daily and they are an integral aspect of of my relationship.

 

What a fantastic post! Thank you!

 

I would agree. Since we got kinkier again, started swinging (mainly BDSM events rather than partner swapping) and practise orgasm denial, I am very much content with my partner and rarely fantasise about other women. Porn viewing has also dropped by 90%.

 

I do think men and women are effected differently. Too bad the study did not examine this modifier.

 

I am in total accord. My devotion is a product of my feelings toward my Keyholder and Her training of me. My training has elevated me to a point where all thoughts of sex for me are centered around my Keyholder's pleasure and my desire to administer and participate. i need nothing more. Except for oxygen and the occasional glass of wine.

#slavelife

 

I hope everyone takes a moment to appreciate this....

 

Agree with @Steviepie. Porn is a tool that can aid in the fantasy, or can be used appropriately if two partners who love each other deeply are deeply mismatched libido wise. If one partner has a low libido and has all of their emotional, mental, and physical needs met respectfully. They need to understand that they need to provide either alternative attention, love, care, and concern to match up to the higher libido partner, or agree with strict rules and guidelines and full disclosure to open it up to allow the needs to be dealt with.

This isn't a free pass for the higher libido partner (on the opening up). It also means that in reverse the lower libido realm should have equal access to the same openness outside of the relationship and it falls on the higher libido partner to make sure the needs are communicated clearly and honestly.

Give and Take and balance. If the higher libido partner loves chastity, then there is zero area for topping from the bottom, begging, or acting like a child. Enjoy the feel from being frustrated as you chose this path, and make sure that you follow through with the chastity for the agreed time period.

You give what you get, and nothing is created nor destroyed in life .... so if you blow it with a fantasy ... realize that energy is going else where.

 

You are correct to feel this way and be strict. In my view, however, it's not the porn it's the masturbation. When you become the only source of his erection you assure his motivation and submission to the needs of your marriage.

 

the non tl;dr .... I agree with you 100% @Dogchasecats

the tl;dr ...
If the porn and masturbation is done in secret without the other partner's consent and there is no agreement for "taking care" of one's needs. Cheating.

If it is done in the confines of agreed upon needs, or the partner is low libido and puts zero effort into taking care of the high libido partner and the high libido partner is rejected for a reasonable amount of time. Not cheating. However it is cheating if the frame work from the previous sentence is done implicitly.

You sound exactly like my better half. To her porn is vile and awful and I can agree with that (even discussing here would be edgy ...). The difference is I raised how I had deep and dark desires for kink and certain activities (some of the times), and she kink shames, but I respect her opinion and don't force it on her.

Give and take is the work in any real relationship (22 years for me) What is interesting is she trains horses (we have a large horse farm) and if she had any proclivities towards the fine kink arts she would probably break down any masochist like breaking down a wayward horse. It makes me shiver to think of what she could really do to me, and we have "all the tools" on the farm including tie down straps for 1200-1500lb animals.

The way I view it after extra time and therapy (many other issues which I conquered), is that my goal is to make her happy and content, and conversely if she only prefers vanilla and PIV (period). Then so be it lets eat a lot of ice cream; however, given a high libido (that is getting higher as I get my athlete body back) and as I sacrifice things I deeply enjoy. She has the responsibility to ensure my needs are met. I know we are going to have that talk about sexuality and needs again in the future as my therapist last year said take 2-3 years away and focus on her and the relationship, for which I am.

I have a high libido that once I get my six pack and "Frame" back, will go higher. So for me fantasies are a pandora's box. In that instance, it is best to be focused on my partner as the nuclear reactor that is my sexual reactor ..... well it won't bode well. It very much sucks knowing that my body is so need for a strong feminine spirit.

I help her with the farm (6 hours plus on the weekends), 1 hour every day during the week, exercise 2 hours a day, and work an 80 hour week, so the idle hands theory is minimized. But power to her she has the ability to keep with my needs dailys for months on end; however, it must be all that time in the saddle

Most other people (I travelled heavily in my life and have met hundreds of people) fantasize that they can be the stud that can go over and over, the reality is far from that. For me personally, I would love to "take care of her first in the morning, me second ... and then repeat it before bed every day "in and out". The problem is having the drive and desire to want to do that, and like I stated .... I have been with the same woman for 22 years plus. As a feminist, I want her to be safe, equal, open, and have full control of everything that is her's the way she wants it. The only problem is I have deep needs as a switch (natural) who can be a daddy but also wants to be that alpha broken submissive .... YMMV of course.

Thank you for your kind response and hello from a guy up near the lakes in Texoma ....

 

Thank you so much!

 

Some people around here would consider that to be a heretical opinion. I don't disagree with you.

When I see men posting here that their wife has stopped having sex with them and then refuses to help the man with chastity, I shake my head. The man is desperately trying to dedicate himself to her and she's saying no. What does she expect him to do?

Just imagine how she'd respond if he acted that way with something she considered important.

 

The reality is she is giving him the chastity he wants; however, of course it is in a form that he doesn't desire

On one hand if his basic needs are not being met, and he is being honest with her and she is flat out saying no and not providing feedback ... then it maybe justified .... "however" .... if two people can't agree with intimacy and sexual relations, one could say that the relationship is starting to end it's final stages and they are just friends/room-mates.

One can live like this platonic ally of course, but that is an agreement to itself. If the man has higher libido needs the real reality is he needs to talk to her to find out "what is up", and attempt to resolve that. If it is medical then a discussion needs to be had about how both of their needs can be met in the most respectful way. If we assume the partner is a woman (to the traditional man), then her inability to provide (which is ok we are human) provides her the opportunity to show him the love either through alternative acts (intimacy) -or- through allowing an opening of the relationship within accepted guidelines and needs for both. If it can't be done, then guess what ... it is time to renegotiate the partnership and if married a separation or divorce is needed.

Same thing applies in reverse, say the man as ED ...

The other thing that needs to be taken into account is the full experience of the relationship. If for example, the guy is a horn dog and needs sex massively early on in the relationship, and the roles change later (which happens more often then people realize) ... the guy better learn to do oral, use toys or do whatever it takes to please her. If he can't he needs to be man enough to allow his partner to go have a ladies night or three if required and not be jealous about it.