Through the looking glass

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by PouchPantyLover, Feb 8, 2018.

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  1. boisub
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    boisub Inaccessible member

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    Glad you’re getting back in the groove, and I hope you heal quickly! :strong:
     
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  2. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    Learning to accept the pleasures that your Mistress gives you isn’t easy it takes a lot of time ,dedication and some mistakes along the way. Changing out the spades and clubs for red cards sounds like fun but when she finds out. And she Will. Ouch you Will Pay dearly. Are you ready for that.
     
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  3. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    In my opinion @PouchPantyLover your Mistress should tan your backside for disobeying her and keep it red for a few days. She should also keep you locked after you heal until she wants to play with her property. To avoid the struggling camp stay in the submissive caged camp. Cumming may seem like it’s what you want but can cause more problems than it’s worth. This is only my opinion, what you do is between you and your Mistress
     
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  4. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    Good for You
     
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  5. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    No, no I am not. She would find out quickly too. I would imagine the first game. It was really more tongue in cheek than something I'd really do. I can only guess at the stroke count for stacking the deck. :oops:
     
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  6. PouchPantyLover
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    Sometimes I feel so at home on CM and sometimes I feel like a fish out of water. What I mean by that is that most of you seem so stoic and so steady. Keep calm and trust your Mistress and such. I by comparison seem to have these wild vacillation between loving chastity and worshiping my wife to thinking this is stupid I should go chuck my cage in the ocean. I'm locked again, but she still is in the "he's under so much pressure I need to pitch in and help out and be nice to him mode". I'm grateful for this and I know she loves me. Still it's hard to be submissive when your dominant is going around putting your needs before hers. I got bitchy last night for no good reason. It's such a downward spiral for me. I get bitchy and she gets withdrawn. I get mad at myself because I'm not supposed to act this way towards her. She gets sympathetic because I'm mad and tries to be nice to me. I feel like she's submissive not me and I wonder why my dick is in a cage. Then I apologize and swear I'll try to do better. In some ways I have improved in that we go longer without these struggles, but it seems like what they lack in frequency they make up for with intensity. On a positive note the a**hole down the street was finally served with his criminal complaint 6 months after the actual incident.
     
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  7. Love&Passion
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    Love&Passion Long term member

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    Oh @PouchPantyLover not at all calm and stoic here. I actually started reading your thread to my Lady as I wanted her to take some hints from your Mistress. However I stopped pretty soon as she wasn't interested. I liked the way you got back in submission mode a few months back.

    Currently I am missing a Mistress who clearly shows me who is boss but I don't want to top from the bottom and don't know what else to do. The cage though I always want to leave it on. It's a symbol for me that I overcame my Porn / Masturbation addiction. Even though I recently cheated by masturbating and am pretty pissed of at myself for it.

    Hope you will get back in Submission mode soon. Thanks for keeping us updated.
     
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  8. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    I am in that boat with you. I am not complaining, I have a wonderful woman, and our life is truly amazing. That doesn’t mean some of our arrangement doesn’t give me pause, sexual activity runs rampant (routine or not), or that sometimes I just want to quit all this and let take my cock back.

    Post orgasm is a perfect example of when I feel this way, and to keep me into this requires some activities she may not be in the mood for. I of course do not bring anything up, but at the same time know it’s not going to get any better until she firms her grip. I know it sounds odd but those activities aren’t brought up because I don’t want to do them. I don’t want to lock back up right away, I don’t want to clean up my mess, I don’t want her to give me orders etc. So I am ok with not doing any of them, but I also revert the longer she waits.

    You are not alone, it is a trial, and I suppose it’s supposed to be, some things are just easier to accept when pushed.
     
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  9. Breathe
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    Breathe Be true to yourself

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    I've added some emphasis to the specific bits I'm responding to here, for context.

    Saying we're all different isn't news to anyone, but sometimes it's easy to forget. Hell, I've been asked how I possibly identify as 'Dominant', because My style is largely concentrated on benevolence and acceptance... Not saying you do, but many people seem to disassociate compassion and tenderness with D/s. Perhaps a majority might even presume that nothing other than swift, stern, disciplinarian characteristics should be considered Dominant. That is not the case, since My existence leads to at least one example of a different approach - I know there are others out there. :)

    Even though certain punishments have been necessary along the way for him, they've been mostly mental and therefore quite effective in modifying his behavior. And for the record, I didn't enjoy those punishments, either... as I viewed them as negative, not pleasurable. Pain play is its own thing entirely, in My mind. I understand the thrill there as well, and have associated it with enjoyable acts rather than atonement.

    (Maybe I should have written that part in your other thread. ;) Oops!)

    Being a 'gentle giant' has produced highly effective results in his training and I feel I would have limited our progress had I not taken this approach. Granted, it's not a style I necessarily work to perform, it just requires a few extra deep breaths from time to time. Maybe your wife has elements of the Dominant style you crave, but do you suppose she might have a few tender points of her own that she needs to express?

    The next thing I'm about to ask is just as subjective as any other topic on this forum... but have you ever / do you freely let yourself cry in front of your wife? There are innumerable reasons why we cry. Anger, fear, anxiety, frustration, the list goes on. Most of them certainly aren't classified as infantile. Some of us never cry. That's not what this is about...

    If you've ever fought tears in front of your wife during those moments of 'sub frenzy'... next time? Don't.

    It sounds like your wife feels gratification when she's able to be a giver for you. That does not make her inherently submissive. The reason she wants to take care of you, as you rightly mentioned, is because she loves you. That care is necessary for her because it seems to be her gut reaction - I know how that feels. Allow her to be there for you in a deeper way, if you've craved doing so but dismissed it as a sign of 'weakness'. You both just might feel a breakthrough.

    Perhaps the reason you want the extra pain for harsh punishments is because there's another emotion trying to be felt... but that outlet seems inaccessible or forbidden; like something you should be ashamed of, even though you've already come so far together with your wife. If there's anything you're holding back (in terms of emotions), let her see those sides of you. You may be surprised at the mix of D/s gratification that can arise from peeling off those remaining layers and stripping yourself entirely bare for her.

    I'm willing to bet those increased intensities are the result of some good days sharing your lives with one another. Transparency can only improve those moments, in addition to boosting frequency.

    Or maybe I'm totally off base, and she does enjoy switching it up, and you require painful and frequent corrections! :) Surely time will tell. I look forward to keeping up with your story, regardless.

    ... and that is wonderful news. The speed of law is pretty frustrating most times, so I'm glad that idiot is finally getting dosed with reality. Fingers crossed for speedy processing in your family's favor.
     
  10. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    Thank you @Love&Passion and @Nicoftime for your thoughtful support. Also thank you @Breathe for a very in depth and well thought out analysis and series of questions. I'll try to answer them as best I can in order. I have most definitely cried in front of my wife. I've never been ashamed of my emotions. My crying hasn't ever been a part of our d/s relationship. I've cried over profound loss and I've cried over sad movies. I actually cried when I was in the Lincoln Memorial reading the Gettysburg address out loud to my son last summer. Yes it has occurred to me that my wife wants to help me and be a nurturer. We've joked at times that she should be called Nicetress instead of Mistress. That is all well and good and I love her either way, I just don't feel like serving her when she's like this. I've told her on multiple occasions that if this is "work" or unpleasant for her, we should stop. Other wise she is serving me. What it boils down to is that her kindness doesn't help our d/s relationship, it hurts it. Ultimately I know this is my problem, not hers. I am reacting to her. Blaming her for my reactions doesn't make sense. That was the point of my post in the first place. I just seam to be very reactive and unsteady where most here seem so steady. In regards to the punishments I admit I liked them when we started them, however something changed along the way. I most definitely don't like the punishments now and I strive to minimize them. Believe me if there were a layer I could show to help with that, it would have been shown by now.

    I'll give you an example of what gets me frustrated. At Christmas I gave her a care package of suggestive things that she could use. One of which were some temporary tattoos. She loved them, thought they were fun and a great idea. She's never used them. Every once in awhile I'll mention them and she'll say "oh, yeah, we've got to do those". She's still never used them. Almost everything in the package was that way, just sits in a box in our closet. She's just not willing to put much thought or effort into the relationship. She wants to get all the domestic service, my submission and her orgasms, but doesn't want to do much beyond holding the key and the weekly punishment. I know I'm going to get a torrent of "it's all about her" and "trust your mistress" and "you're topping from the bottom". I try to remember that and render service appropriately. It's just without her active dominance I struggle to remain submissive. Once I'm not feeling submissive I want my dick out of the cage. It doesn't have to be violent dominance, I quite enjoy sensual dominance. I just have trouble toeing the line unless made to.
     
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  11. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    I had an epiphany last night. I posted once before that the great gift chastity gave me was that it turned resentment to joy. Without re-hashing every detail I resented my wife for a variety of things pre-chastity. Once I became her chaste submissive that resentment became the joy of serving her. Recently it has become the other way around. Being the chaste submissive is causing me to resent her. I resent that I see her as being uninterested and indifferent to this lifestyle.

    I didn't get into details with her last night, but I told her I needed a break from chastity. She was fairly indifferent to the announcement and handed me the key confirming my feelings. I unlocked, but unlike any prior such event there was no disappointment of acrimony. I snuggled with her last night and we made love this morning (kids are off at camp for a week). I got up and showered and made coffee's and smoothies while she took the dog for a walk.

    I walked into our bedroom and saw the bed a mess. I made it up carefully, situating the pillows and comforter as she likes. Made sure corners were crisp and clean. I didn't have to do it. I didn't do it because of a punishment penalty. I did it because she loves it and I love her. I'm not sure what this means for us. I've said goodbye before only to find myself back here again in a few weeks or months. This feels different, but perhaps it's just a sabbatical.

    I know that I do not want to return to the relationship we had before chastity. I know that at least for right now our chastity relationship is not working as it has in the past. I guess I'm hoping there is some middle ground somewhere that makes sense for both of us.
     
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  12. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    I'm sorry to hear this. Are you sure she's "uninterested and indifferent" to your chastity? I struggle with this all the time (and then repeat my mantra, "accept your anxiety as part of her new superiority").

    I'm trying to wrap my head around the question "Being locked 24/7 and submissive and in service to her makes this a huge part of my life, but does that mean it has to be a huge part of her life too?" Hopefully the women here in the Mansion can help me (us?) understand this, understand what role they think they have -- if any -- to feed submissive food to their hungry chaste husbands.
     
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  13. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    So I'm coming up on a week since setting aside the cage and the submission. It seems odd posting on here as I'm not in a cage or a chastity relationship currently. I guess CM still feels like my community so I come back. For the most part things have been positive for my wife and I. We've been loving in both a sexual and non-sexual way. I get the sense we're both kind of feeling our way through this phase. She most definitely misses the domestic service. I've kept up some of it such as making the bed, but dropped much of it too. I've also flexed my independence muscles a bit and went out to a movie and dinner with some buddies without asking for permission first. I just told her I was doing it. I think she is expecting me to come back to her with the cage and ask to go back. I'm waiting on her to express interest in it and then I'll consider it. So it's a bit of a stand off, but without any angst or anger.

    I have reflected a lot on our relationship and my submission to her. There are so many threads and thoughts on CM on what is submission. I see myself like someone that enlists in the army at the lowest rank. I'm making a choice of my own free will to enter into a life that requires my submission to authority. Ultimately if I can't handle the requirements there are paths out of that submission. As long as I want to be a part of that lifestyle though I have to submit to the requirements and the individual in charge. In the case of the army there is an institution and organization that works to instill discipline and conformity. In the case of my relationship that role falls to me wife/mistress/KH. She doesn't have to instill discipline, she doesn't have to enforce the rules, she can do what she wants. What happens in an army when order and discipline are ignored? the command structure breaks down. What happens in my relationship? I lose motivation to serve and I lose respect for her authority. In this sense I see her as having a responsibility to us. While I shouldn't try to tell her how to maintain order, she still has to do it.

    I've also reflected a lot on her and what motivates her and what she gets out of it. Fortunately we used to share written lists of stuff we liked and didn't like and I went back to that. I think the three things she got that she enjoyed the most were 1) Being the focus of such adoration and desire, 2) The domestic service and 3) sexually primacy. By the last one I mean she loves having a great orgasm and being able to roll over and go to sleep without worrying about me. While she didn't mention this in her notes I think she also deeply enjoys the respect I show her. Things like asking for permission to do something, not questioning her in front of others or doing whatever she tells me to do when she tells me to do it. The thing is that I think that power and authority bread a degree of complacency in her.

    The reflection has been good and I'm still happy with the unlocked status at this time. I'm not in any rush to jump back into my cage and I'm not overly concerned with whether or not she gets motivated to try and put me there. I love her very much and I'm grateful to have her in my life. Either as a chaste submissive or whatever comes next.
     
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  14. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    It's wonderful to hear from you again. From here, it seems you're on the right track for you. I do think there needs to be some buy-in to the leadership role from her for this to work. Otherwise it becomes a game you're playing with and by yourself sort of with her permission to play by yourself, instead of her agreement to play with you.

    Please stay engaged with us here.
     
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  15. Mojoman
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    Mojoman Long term member

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    I think you both need to cut yourselves a bit of slack. This incident with your neighbour has probably had more of an effect than either of you like to admit. Your family has been threatened and human instinct has stepped in to put you both in defence mode. It seems that the matter is not yet resolved and, until it is, it is unlikely that either of you will feel comfortable to resume your kinky activities, no matter how much either or both of you want to. If you are anything like me, you won't be able to deny your submissive side forever and sooner or later it will all come back naturally, just as soon as you no longer have this matter hanging over you. I really hope that happens soon for you. Have you thought about moving?
     
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  16. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    Yes we have. Two things stop us. First off we see this as caving in to him and he wins. I know the safety on our family comes first, but it still just feels like a capitulation. The second and more important point is I built our house and I designed it specifically for our family and work life. I have my own free standing business office as well as an apartment we rent out to help pay the mortgage. There are a lot of custom details I put into the place for us and our lifestyle. We're not going to find a place that has everything we have and it's hard to walk away from that.

    So far the restraining order has done it's job. It's just unpleasant walking by there house as we go to and from the beach. It's unpleasant seeing them drive by when we sit on the front porch. It's unpleasant just knowing the potential threat is there.
     
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  17. Mojoman
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    Mojoman Long term member

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    That's what I was getting at. I'm so sorry for you, but don't waste your life waiting for them to move first. I do understand that you have a unique tie to your existing home, but maybe happiness lies elsewhere?
     
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  18. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    It's been two weeks since the cage came off. So what's changed besides my penis being in a cage? I'm still making the bed for her almost every day. I'm still doing pretty much all grocery shopping and cooking dinner. Besides that pretty much all domestic service has stopped. The only time I clean the Kitchen is if she leaves it dirty from one dinner to the next. I've helped with maybe 5% of the laundry. She and kids are on there own in the morning, no coffee or breakfast in bed. I'm not at her beck and call to prepare her sparkling water, make her a snack, massage her feet or fetch her a bowl of frozen mango. I'm not a jerk. If I'm getting myself a glass of ice water and she asks for one I prepare it. If we're both sitting on the couch and she says she wants one, my response is great, get me one while you're up. :D

    Sexually things have been nice. We haven't been having a ton of sex, but when we have had it, we've both enjoyed it a lot. Orgasms are 1:1 now, which is obviously quite different. We are still cuddling and snuggling much more than pre-chastity without the expectation of sex. One night she got me all fired up and then tried to make me beg to have sex with her. I just gave her a kiss and went to sleep. She alluded to wanting her toys one night, but forgot about it once we got going, or at least didn't bring it up again.

    My mental state is in a degree of flux. Sometimes I miss the cage and sometimes I think, wow it's nice to be able to pee standing up. I've worn boxers exclusively for the last two weeks. For a guy who picked the name pouch panty lover you would imagine this would be a big negative. So far it hasn't been. It feels a bit like a rebellion on my part. The whole thing feels that way. I'm just not sure if she's going to cede control or crush the rebellion? It still feels like we're circling each other and probing here and there to see what if anything should happen. She clearly misses the domestic service and "respect". I think she misses the way things were sexually, but she's also enjoying what we've got going now.

    So for the time being we shall continue with this unlocked dance to see where we go. While I'm not locked, I will continue to roam the halls of CM as I enjoy this place. Plus, who knows what the future holds? :cool:
     
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  19. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Besides the fact that she has clearly stated “I like you caged, that’s never going to end”, I would think we would have a similar path as yours.

    I imagine the sex would still be good, and like you I’m not a jerk and would continue to help out and be a giving person, but strictly me cleaning the house, cooking meals, doing dishes, and plopping her feet on my lap with expectations would probably cease. Along with certain other elements of our dynamic such as punishments, clean up, bathing her etc.

    It’s not that I care for her less, but certain activities need motivation. Without that carrot on a stick just out of reach I would fall back on routine, and when it all is said and done, I volunteered to do this because I am a better partner when I assume this role. The saying you can never go home again rings true for us, I don’t think we could go back, since we barely had any history together prechastity-D/s.

    Looking forward to your updates.
     
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  20. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    So we are at 3 weeks now of being unlocked. She's been acting more dominant sexually. This morning she was taking our son to summer school and she said "I expect you to be naked in bed waiting for me when I get back". Well I liked the sound of that. We had some great sex and she was more verbally dominant during the sex than she has been. Is the first steps towards getting back to where we were? Or just her wanting sex and demanding what she wanted? Either case it was a lot of fun.

    I still feel closer to her than I did before chastity and I haven't masturbated to porn. I feel like chastity restored much of the intimacy and passion in our relationship that had been missing for awhile. I'm just not sure if it was a crutch to get us over the hump or an integral part of our new dynamic. I guess only time will tell. Life is good though and we are happy.

    Happy 4th of July everyone. PPL signing off for now.
     
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  21. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    Well today marks one month officially out of the cage and the FLR. I have to admit that I am now officially missing it. It also doesn't help that our sex life has gone off a cliff. There's been a lot of stuff going on that has just gotten in the way of our intimacy in general. These things happen. I'm on the fence as to whether or not I should bring it up with her. I don't think going back to where I was when I asked for the break is going to help either of us. It clearly wasn't working well at the end. I can tell she misses some of it, but she also seems to like being free of the "burden" that comes with a key. At least that's how I see it. I guess since I asked for the break I should put on my big boy pants and at least ask her if she's missing it or not. I want the current craziness to die down first so we don't go into the conversation full of stress.
     
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  22. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    Given the state of things I thought it a good time to fill in some of the many missing details since I last posted here. The jerk down the street has been officially charged with terroristic threatening, but has managed to avoid justice as his attorney keeps filing continuances and the court keeps granting them. My guess is he's hoping that eventually charges will be dropped if enough time passes. The restraining order continues to keep him at bay in that no new harassment has occurred. My sense of it though is he is also biding his time on this as it automatically expires in 2 years unless we can argue for it to be extended.

    Chastity as of my last post in July of 2018 was suspended and stayed that way until October. We both got to talking about it and what we missed about it and what went wrong with it. Ultimately we decided to try again, but ease into it via a game. We put different color poker chips in a bag with different outcomes for each color. While there was nor formal FLR component the rules of the game were she made the rules and I had to follow them. So she made it a rule that I started doing stuff for her again.

    Things proceeded nicely and in a fun way. The game ended and I was allowed out and an orgasm when I drew a white chip. There was only one white chip out of 25, so it took awhile. Once a game ended we took a break for a day or two and then by mutual agreement started up again. We did three games with the last one ending around Christmas.

    When the conversation came up for the next game I asked her if she liked the way things worked with the game or if she wanted to try and make it more serious as we had before where she controlled these things instead of being controlled by the color of a chip coming out of the bag. I asked her more to give her the option, thinking she would stay with the chips as it was easy and fun, but I underestimated the appeal the control had for her. She said we were done with games and had me lock up and I was to be her slave.

    Given our history we agreed to a list of activities she could choose from and a set duration of no more than a week between them. In addition she brought back the punishment list and I was to submit my list to her each Thursday as we had done before. I was given full responsibility for all chores again. So we were back and fully committed as of new years day 2019.

    This really brings me up to where I've been posting actively again and for the most part it's been a great year. I still struggle with some of the elements of this lifestyle. My greatest struggle has always been transitioning back and forth between who I am in my work and who I am in this chastity relationship. Her greatest struggle seems to be just plain forgetting about it at times.

    Storm clouds seem to be looming for our chastity relationship as she has gotten a new job as covered in my she got the job post. I'm thrilled for her and very supportive, but she has dropped all dominant actions. She has just skipped the last two punishments which has never happened twice in a row. I'm hanging in by the skin of my teeth for now. We have a big family vacation coming up in a few weeks and I'm always unlocked for those. I'll make it at least until then and if we continue like this we'll talk it out on our trip.

    Regardless of all of this our marriage is strong and happy. Our children are healthy and growing up much to fast. We adopted a second dog from the pound and now have two fur babies as the wife calls them. My business continues to be successful. I live down the street from one of the most beautiful beaches in the world. So all in all, life is good despite the problems and the setbacks.
     
  23. El Guapo
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    El Guapo Ladies First.

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    heartfelt thoughts for you ppl.
    get through the court drama & enjoy your family + beaches.

    [funny, when i am in hawaii, i head to the hills.]
     
    PouchPantyLover likes this.
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