Effects of introducing chastity to a long term relationship

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Mascara^Snake, Jun 6, 2018.

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  1. Mascara^Snake
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    Mascara^Snake Banned

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    I hear so often about people rejuvinating and revitalizing long standing marraiges/relationships with chastity.

    I'm wondering if there are any members here who ended up doing damage to or straining their long term relatioship by introducing it?
     
  2. Chaste J.
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    Chaste J. Long term member

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    I suppose that depends on how sound a relationship is! In our case it has added a whole new dimension to our sex life! She has the best orgasms she's ever had (her words not mine), and I'm left desperate to cum! Couldn't be happier!
     
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  3. winstonmacgregor
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    winstonmacgregor Long term member

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    Using chastity would eliminate many needless arguments and disagreements thus probably solving the damage and strain that was already there. Chastity should be a prescribed therapy approach during marriage counseling sessions. Not to mention that somebody needs to get the Pope on board. He doesn't like the idea of divorce or church scandals. Problem solved.
     
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  4. Mascara^Snake
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    Mascara^Snake Banned

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  5. Her Dividend
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    Her Dividend Junior Member

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    Good question. I have a sub male friend who has dated vanilla and had women run the other way when he tried to introduce kinks. He remains single to this day and is about to hit 50.

    There are also a legion of married men misaligned with their wives. Rarely have I read positive stories here where the man introduces a kink (or chastity) and it gets incorporated into the relationship ex-post-facto.

    Outside of this website -- most women I've tracked are hostile to device chastity b/c it signifies work for them (using the device) and a character flaw of men (lack of fidelity and goodwill.)

    I really think Dan Savage puts it best. He thinks partners need to be "game" -- i.e. willing to experiment and try new things. In my estimation (and I could be wrong) most people are not sexually game. I will go a step further, too, instead of being game -- folks often look at kinks as "disgusting." In the sub male universe -- one might substitute: "unmanly," "doormat," or "fetishist" -- all anti-erotic traits to many women out there looking for the ideal man.
     
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  6. At all Times
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    At all Times At all Times

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    I agree with this wholeheartedly.
     
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  7. Bonobo
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    Bonobo Long term member

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    I also agree with this. We spent years and years dissatisfied with our sexual relationship. It was so incredibly frustrating to have these wants and needs and not have a willing partner. Why she was not willing is probably more my fault then hers. As we have aged we have both mature and that maturity has allowed our relationship to really blossom. I feel that if the both of us were not willing to put the effort into chastity it would have failed. This failure would have no doubt strained the marriage as one would feel the other did not try.
     
  8. simplysub
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    simplysub Junior Member

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    Like everything else in life the best laid plans and intentions can always take a turn in a surprising and unexpected direction particularly if one of the partners is moving outside of that "comfort zone" too quickly. Both willing to explore, both willing to share feelings openly and honestly even when it gets awkward. And of course both willing to explore.

    Having goals is fine to a point but if there's not flexibility along the way to take life's little bumps along the way and be willing to adjust accordingly the stage will be set for disappointments.
     
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  9. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    I would think that has been far more often the case than we might think.
    I imagine we don't hear as much about the negative outcomes but regardless of gender if not introduced carefully I imagine the other partner may not always want to get on board or even see why they should and this could potentially be percieved as, if not actually, very relationship threatening.

    Those wanting to introduce it often forget it has usually for them been a fantasy for a while before bringing it up and then initial acceptance can be mistaken for similar enthusiasm which may then be received by the 'introducer' rather too overwhelmingly.

    The introduction needs care too .... it could easily be misconceived as this will be better than what we've been doing... which can not ever go down well.
     
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  10. Mascara^Snake
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    Indeed Filltee, I'm sure that we only hear of the successes here .
    Success and also the fantasy of it.
     
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  11. JiL
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    JiL servitude4u

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    The "effects" of introducing chastity into our long term relationship I believe have been both a relief and renewal to both of us. She has little to no sense of pressure anymore to be sexual without loosing a sense of love and intimacy.(relief) D's and new adventurous stuff are given a try when She's ready.(renewal) Thankfully, She is a willing participant who has always been able to think outside of the box in love, life, business, etc... Nothing has seemed like a crazy reach beyond reality for either of us. Chastity for me has provided much needed discipline, manners, and a coping mechanism.(relief) While prior to chastity our relationship was by no means falling apart, I believe we are both more secure and happier with each other than we have ever been. (renewal) For those whom chastity has had negative "effects" on their long term relations, I am sure there are many reasons far beyond straight up chastity, whether the fantasies and expectations where way too unrealistic, partners weren't truly committed to each other, one could not accept the other for whatever reason(s), one could not forgive the other, etc......:key:
     
  12. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    Realistically, I think there's a very strong chance that if a man brings up this subject the woman is going to reject it. When the woman embraces it, it can work very well, as we've seen from some of the successful arrangements on here. But what percentage of women would embrace it is an interesting question.
     
  13. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    The only negative thing we experienced was I got pretty needy and grumpy sometimes when we started going for longer stretches. Things have gotten much better over time, but the first time I went more than 90 days I was kind of hard to live with at times.
     
  14. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    Yes sorry thanks for the reminder...I was definitely overlooking how much on the site in general is fantasy
     
  15. Blue Jay
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    Blue Jay Active member

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    This reminds me of something funny that happens in every day life. Have you ever had your significant other decline an idea you came up with only to have someone else or a book bring it up later in away that made perfect sense to her?
     
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  16. b2please
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    b2please A fun and powerful game!

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    Back to your original question, It has definitely created strains at times.

    I think some reasons are:
    It's fun for both of us for short times. A hot game to play. I like the denial, lack of control and being locked up.
    But she doesn't really desire it locked up for very long. She prefers access. And she doesn't really want something else to manage, and doesn't really want to feel a high level of horniness around her 24/7.

    But for me, it can feel like an amazing journey to be locked a while. I get into more of a sub space and want to try longer times. So she can feel stressed out and wants a break or to go back to normal after several days. Sometimes she plans a long term experiment but then tires of it- or just misses being normal & equal.
     
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  17. Mr M
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    Mr M Find yourself, find peace; find others, find joy.

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    I agree with many of the points. I would add that communication skill is also a big factor in successful changes or addition of kink. Shame and kink are often close. So being with someone who has the capacity to be with shame is important. Second, if you Both have shame in sex, you need to get a moderator to find safe ground, otherwise it will be a likely failed conversation.
     
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  18. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    What an interesting observation. I think we can only experience the kink when we overcome our shame and expose ourselves to our partners.
     
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  19. Mr M
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    Mr M Find yourself, find peace; find others, find joy.

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    I would say it slightly differently, when we embrace the shame.... I am not convinced it is ever gone, just takes on new avenues....
     
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  20. winstonmacgregor
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    winstonmacgregor Long term member

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    Given the dynamics of the gender issues that go on, how do you get more women onboard with the idea of chastity, and why are the majority not interested? It really would be to their benefit. It just seems like the idea of chastity is still a "fetish" and icky to women in general when it could and should easily be a normal thing that happens in relationships.
     
  21. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    If I dated guys, it would be a real turn off if he wanted me to lock him up. Some short term locking as a form of foreplay would be fun but would be a turnoff if he wanted me to dominate him. I certainly understand women who want no part in it.
     
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  22. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    I realise that by repeating the question @Mascara^Snake is wanting replies that focus on that question rather than on the positive effect chastity has had on a long term relationship. To that end I will stick to the strain and difficulties we have had over the past two and a half years getting used to our new way of doing things

    I do want to begin though by saying that there is no doubt that chastity and through it the development of our FLR has had a positive impact on our marriage. We are far more open with each other, are far more intimate and have a much more calm and strong relationship than we had before chastity. We did have a good relationship before though, the improvements have been fine tuning what was already good.

    One of the major strains I remember was when, right back at the start of becoming my keyholder, Elle had a huge meltdown and was unable to talk to me for three days. The reason? I kept asking her what she wanted, what her fantasies were, so that I could do something about making them happen. The problem was Elle was unable to voice those fantasies or even work out what they were. This inability made her really stressed and pushed her to breaking point.

    Once she had calmed down we talked about the issue and this strain tracks back to when she was growing up and ‘nice girls didn’t talk about or do that sort of thing’. Sex was something a woman did to please her man, not please herself. The only reason she was allowed to touch herself ‘there’ was to clean herself. This was really interesting to me as I had no problem at all tellling Elle what my fantasies were. My problem was I had too many!

    Another strain was caused by my constant questioning. In those early days my mind was bouncing around all over the place and all I ever wanted to talk about was chastity. Elle controlled this by setting up the Saturday rule, the rule that states the only day I am allowed to instigate a general conversation about chastity or FLRs is on a Saturday. Saturday rule 1.2 is I have to keep my conversation from rambling, to be clear and concise and not to go on for too long about it. This has helped enormously.

    The most recent strain has been caused by the continuing development of our FLR. While the minor changes of Elle taking control have been easy actually fun, the bigger changes have caused problems for both of us. At first Elle resisted the idea of an FLR as she didn’t feel like she was in charge. As time went on however she really started expecting more and more from me. She does however want me to be an equal (in certain respects) who does as he is told but doesn’t need to be told every little thing.

    The reality for me was my brain would push back against this authority and challenge it without even realizing I was doing it. This all came to a head recently and is one of the reasons I have been absent from the Mansion for a few weeks. I pushed back so hard Elle nearly gave up on me altogether. Elle had told me to not come home from my friends too late, and I crawled in at nearly 4am after drinking a ridiculous amount of alcohol. The next day I had a huge hangover until late in the afternoon.

    Elle wasn’t impressed. Not only that, she questioned how seriously I was taking all of this. For my part I was ashamed and upset with myself, but I also came to understand just what I have ‘given’ Elle, how deep the changes to our relationship could be and the implications those changes could have. In the past she would have been upset and while I would have apologized I had the right to do as I pleased in that sort of situation. Now I don’t.

    The good thing has been the improvement in our ability to communicate and we have somfar managed to work through all of these issues, and long may this continue.
     
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  23. At all Times
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    At all Times At all Times

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    I think that as basically submissive men, with a desire to be locked and effectively "dominated" or controlled by our wives or girl friends, we expect too much from them, and find it hard to understand their point of view. I am sure that this is very true in my case, and especially so as we are not very good at communication.

    My marriage was basically very good before I developed a desire to be in a FLR, and then locked in chastity as a way of reinforcing the feeling in my mind that Jane was in control. I have always been kind, caring, considerate, attentive and loving, so these were benefits that weren't necessarily enhanced by my submissive and subservient behaviour towards Jane. I pretty sure therefore, that Jane has always seen this as being all about sex and arousal, not so much about my "love" for her.

    I also sure that rather than liking my attentions, Jane sees her role in this as being too much hard work and trying to be someone she is not. Because I find the feeling of being submissive and controlled by Jane, the thought that she enjoys using her femininity and sexuality to impose herself and her needs on me, such a turn on, I am blinded by the fact that she rarely encourages me, and often only takes part in any obvious sexual "domination", teasing and denial, when she has had a few drinks. While writing this, I am actually a bit ashamed to admit this. When I think back, I see that this is quite true. Although Jane has never told me this or discusses her or my sexual needs, I can see that she has never really been up for this, and while "going along" with the whole female led thing, it's something that she has never really encouraged much.

    To that end, I suppose you could say that in some respects, trying to introduce chastity and FLR into our relationship has probably been detrimental. It certainly doesn't match my first thoughts and beliefs of what and how I thought Jane would enjoy it.

    Without the enjoyment, encouragement or desire to keep me devoted and attentive, and with little or no desire for sexual stimulation on Jane's part, I can't ever see this ever really being a positive thing in our relationship.


    .
     
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  24. winstonmacgregor
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    winstonmacgregor Long term member

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    It kind of seems that is the problem that occurs while introducing chastity in to an existing relationship. It is almost always a thing that a submissive needs and thus is counter to the whole idea of what chastity is to begin with. Also, on a side note about Female led relationships, submissive men also put the same pressure as they do with chastity on women to take on that large responsibility but it doesn't need to be the case. Both of these ideas involve a fantasy of the submissive being a mindless (for lack of a better term) object that is expected to be manipulated in every way by a dominant woman. Dominant or not, most submissives can have a Female led relationship just by simply listening to and following the ideas/decisions of the female in the relationship. No chastity is needed at all. You will not find many women who will not appreciate the fact that you value their opinion and have no problem following their lead (in a non-sexual/chastity way).
     
  25. At all Times
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    At all Times At all Times

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    Male submission is all about a sexual feeling, and state of mind in which the man feels controlled and unable to resist the feminine charms of a woman. Just giving a woman your attention and following her ideas/decisions, just doesn't fulfil a submissive man's needs. Why do you think that most submissive fantasies revolve around being made to do something by a female that makes the man feel emasculated, more often than not associated with something that may have been considered a feminine role in the past, or something which the woman "forces" or demands that he does, something that places the man in a subservient role. I'm think about things like sissy maids, tease and denial, domestic chores, massages and foot rubs, humiliations etc etc.

    Without elements of these things, or where the submissive feels no overt acknowledgement that the woman is using her feminine charms and/or her knowledge that her partner is aroused by being seduced in this way by her, then the submissive will always be wanting more.
     

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