Why are submissive males so obsessed with themselves?

Why should it matter if you are "truly submissive" or you just play at it. The result is same. You both get what you want. If you need your male to be truly broken aren't you taking it past play and into physical and mental manipulation?

 

I don’t get that from Miss Lucy. She seems to look at things through a different lens.

 

Most women I know are happy with their male partners and don't complain about men in general. LTRs are usually built on a two-way street, namely that two people knowingly meet each other's needs and assume complimentary roles.

 

i dunno. Lots of good points being made. my own personal bias is to believe that many of us submissives play roles in our everyday, straight lives that we may not be entirely comfortable with, as leaders of one sort or another. we make decisions that affect the lives of others, we're held up as examples sometimes, we compete, etc....

At the same time, though, we're plagued with self-doubt. we're aware of all the ways in which we're not cut out to be put in the positions in which we find ourselves, and that can cause us a lot of stress as we feel we always have to be "on."

When looked at in this way, playing a submissive role allows us a way to put ourselves in a position we might feel more comfortable in. my guess is that if submissives appear self-absorbed, it's because they're trying to escape who we're supposed to be, and that while we're in our submissive zone, we really don't want to be reminded of that person we have to be the other 95 percent of the time.

That's just a guess, but, at least for me, it feels right.

 

I feel like this thread has drifted way off-topic.
Nobody is criticizing anybody's freedom to play, or to indulge their own fantasies.
So long as SSC or RACK (or whatever your preferred acronym) and nobody gets hurt then all good as far as I'm concerned.

The thread originally was about males misrepresenting themselves as submissive, who by their actions are clearly anything but.
I'm sure for some it's done unknowingly, but for others certainly not.

 

A lot of great thoughts here ... many pretty heavy.
I wanted to stay on the lighter side - but alas, the question led me to introspective thoughts.
Well done, Ms. L-u-c-y ... I enjoy when your questions wake up my mind. Thank you.

For me ...
The Quick answer was that they are not submissive if the are focused on themselves.
Then I started to think a sub could be obsessed with themselves by seeking enlightenment for the reasons they are submissive ... but then I came to that wasn't the obsession meant.
Then the rabbit hole got deeper.

Part deux ...

This snapped me back to my Quick answer - if the subs main energy isn't focused on their partner then the focus is on themselves ... which means they aren't a full submissive. [Yet.]

The lesson/reminder for me: trust my intuition & keep it simple.

 

hmm right..im a little bit focusing to myself and mistress, this post like thunderbolt to me..i should more focusing to mistress

 

They would have been obsessed with themselves no matter what they had been. If they were a baker, they would be the best baker, nobody even comes close. That type of thing. It does raise a point though, why can't they be obsessed with how great of a submissive they can be?

 

So you're saying these men who are obsessed with themselves are obsessed with everything about themselves?
I disagree, or they'd all be perfectly turned out well-toned physical specimens. Which I bet they're not.

Because actually being submissive (as distinct from what D/s porn tells them being submissive is) doesn't get them hard.

 

That is the part of it all that makes no sense. If they watch D/s porn, then there is something submissive in their way of being. Why does it not translate in to real life? Isn't sexuality connected to your psyche?

 

Oops, forgot to respond to the first reply that you had written. Being obsessed with yourself doesn't need to be with your body. If the person is not interested in physical fitness or diet, then they would not care about they physique. Not to mention that being attractive to any potential person is not necessarily about you, it is about their attraction. It fits in to the profile of a selfish person not to care about being pleasing to another person.

 

I like FemDom porn therefore i must be submissive?
The massive problem with that argument is that FemDom porn has nothing to do with the reality of FemDom

 

LOL that makes no sense. In your earlier post you said if they were a baker they'd be the best baker ever.
So you're saying they are only obsessive about certain things, but their appearance and physical wellbeing aren't included, but their job is?
I call BS I say they are obsessed with whatever gets their rocks off.
In the case of 99% of so called submissive males, it's FemDom porn.

 

I don’t think so. Not in keeping with the spirit of how the conversation started anyway.

 

True. How many of the "submissives" that watch Femdom porn even make the effort to take a shower or maintain basic hygiene? They can still be obsessed with themselves in other ways. They are so obsessed with themselves that they are even selfish in how they are being selfish. Chicken and the egg theory.

 

Surely Mistress...….probably because nobody else would ever be obsessed with them.

 

So now you're saying there's some sort of correlation between FemDom porn and personal hygiene?
And not to play the reductivist card but "being selfish about being selfish" = just plain being selfish.
I honestly have no clue how you are coming up with this stuff.

I stand by my original argument.

99% of "submissive males" believe they are submissive because they get off on FemDom porn and fantasise about being in it. They think that's what being submissive really is. In reality FemDom porn is entirely designed scripted and choreographed to encourage and cater to such wank-fantasies, because those men are the target market for the porm produceres.

Unfortunately the male submissive as portrayed in FemDom porn has absolutely nothing to do with the reality of male submission.

 

...and don't even get me started on feminisation

 

Most people who purport to be submissives aren't. That's the real answer here. As soon as someone starts pushing their view of what they want done to them or want to do for someone, that should set alarm bells ringing.

Over the years, I've defined myself mostly as a switch with submissive tendencies. Looking back, I'm not sure that was ever true. I wanted to experiment and submissiveness was a role that allowed experimentation. It's only now, as I get older, that I am beginning to understand what submission is. I'm not there yet, but I just quietly read and learn and work it out.

 

I think this post has hit the nail on the head. After a hard day at work having to act in an Alpha way and making executive decisions, plenty of men get turned on my being submissive and loosing control in the bedroom. As long as their partner is aware of that, there is nothing wrong. They may not be “truly submissive 24/7”, but is that healthy anyway?

 

I can totally relate. But if You agree to have a remote kH, usually the Lady has a finite list of
rules or something a man can research to understand Her likes and dislikes before making a commitment that’s not a great fit.

You can understand the rules and abide.
You can understand the rules and give it a try because you’ve never done it before. Or, You can not bother to understand anything and crash and burn.

That’s what I’m getting out of this. When all the philosophy is figured out, there is still a locked lock and a set of instructions you were fine with a minute before the click.

One of those instructions was probably something similar to, “Your fetish doesn’t matter to me. If you agree to be locked you must not expect anything but to obey me.”

It’s kind of scary.

 

There is a lot to chew on in this thread, particularly for someone new here. At first I felt conflicted with the OP, thinking "I'm not self obsessed." However, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense and here's why...

Being very inexperienced in much of what has been discussed in the D/s relationship roles I feel and think, I am submissive to a certain extent but not completely. It seems more like a tendency rather than an complete admonition of something absolute. Why do I sense this? My reality in relationships is very internal particularly with my own perspective of myself. My desires for the most part are internalized just as my sexual fantasies are and were. Even when getting to experience a fantasy it is simply a matter of self fulfillment even if that act is one that is about me pleasing someone with a disregard to my sexual release.

For example if a guy sends me a text asking for a blow job ( someone that is more self obsessed than myself) I'm happy to do it, if I am able to. And to carry that example from a real experience, I once asked if he could fuck me and he replied, "no not unless you fuck me first." Now I question, would a true submissive comply with that act? My reasoning was that I wasn't going to get hard and reaffirmed my position as a bottom, at least in regards to being with men as well as the fact that I wasn't interested in messy anal. However, as the OP statement claims, it appears true and that it's simply me being self obsessed.

It seems to go further for me too, crossdressing at first was curiosity that turned into a fetish, with simply the desire to try women's clothes and keep my body smooth, which would be something I dabbled in on occasion. A few years ago I decided to get into doing make up and going "all the way". I was stunned to say the least, and another level of self obsession was created. Now I have to dress with makeup on, being furry doesn't feel right and it seems crazier the more I self reflect on it, but it's true.

This internalization runs fairly deep, maybe due to how individuals identify themselves with being, just not as submissive, but as what other sexual orientations they relate to. The gender spectrum seems fairly complex nowadays, at least to me and that's fine with me, I'm not really into making labels for myself, but simply try to find the ones that fit me. I know I am quite self absorbed since I am an introvert and perhaps borderline self obsessive. That is not to say that, when it comes to other people I do not do my best to help and bring happiness to them what ever way I possibly can, if I can.

anyways, just my thoughts from a newbi.

 

Maybe another question to ask is how is submission or faking it related to getting the woman more involved in being sexually proactive. Its been my experience that except for "professionals" on average there is a great disparity between sex drives and I think a significant number of men would just like their partners to be more active/proactive. I would love it if my wife was more aggressive but that doesn't make me submissive.

 

My Mistress made me see the distinction between a Fantasy Led Relationship and a Female Led Relationship. Many males are alone with their (often received) femdom fantasies far too long and end up over thinking because there is too much time on their hands and too much penis in their hands.

 

Basically it just all boils down to the fact of, being obsessive about anything is not healthy. It leads you down a dangerous path and most of us should have learned that in the 3rd grade when we read "Moby Dick." Being submissive is a good thing. It should focus attention on serving an individual or cause instead of what you sexually fantasize about. Not to mention that if you are good at what you are (being submissive to a dominant person) they will probably recognize your contributions and actually will be in to joining your fantasies for all that you have done.