So I have been reading and researching the concept of male chastity for a very long time and can completely see the benefits. My concern is that my wife is extremely vanilla and doesn't even know this world exists. I am still researching postings on how to introduce your wife to this life style but am not sure i could even get her to sit down and talk about it. I was wondering if anyone has ever thought of what would go into an email, kind of like a SPAM, that she could happen upon that touted the benefits of such a lifestyle and maybe could intrigue a complete novice to do some research on their own or to make it so they would even propose it. Maybe there is even a KH out there that introduced their hubby to this the first time that might have a perspective that might be intriguing to a novice. I know that, like many out there, some wives aren't into all of the fetishes that can be associated with a FLR so there has to be someone who can give some advice. Thanks in advance.
I think you're better just talking about it instead of trying to manufacture a way for her to discover the lifestyle.
Hi and welcome, what you are describing is something the majority of us have gone through. Most couples who practice male chastity probably are more than likely vanilla, you just don't hear about them much as most of the more popular blogs are a bit more kinky. The best way to approach this is from an educated point of view, this means that you need to set your fantasies aside and learn what true benefits this lifestyle can contribute to your relationship. I failed miserably trying to explain chastity to my wife and she didn't say yes to locking me until I bought her a book titled male chastity written by Lucy Fairbourne. I bought if off of Amazon, there are a lot of books on this subject but I liked this one because it was written in a more vanilla sense even though she does briefly describe a lot of the other kinks that go a long with chastity. Also if you look up Mistress Jules here at the Mansion she had also written a good book to help women understand this lifestyle but leave a lot of the heavy D/s stuff out so it's more enticing to someone just learning about the lifestyle. This is her link http://mjkhscotland.co.uk/mistress-jules/ You may even order a book or two and read through them yourself so you know what content will be covered and if your wife has any questions you'll be able to answer them accurately. Best thing to do is to be honest with her because this can even be an enhancement to an already great relationship.
Couldn't agree more. You shouldn't try to think of ways to make her aware of your intentions by attempting to slip them under the door. That mindset will not work well (for long) if you want to develop an actual FLR lifestyle with your wife. Great advice. I'd say honesty is the most important element to maintain during your journey! It's not always easy, but it will ultimately bring you closer together, especially if you take the time to listen to and calmly process said honesty. I would offer that this applies to everyone before they've learned of ... well, pretty much anything when you think about it. While I would certainly not call us vanilla now, we all started somewhere. Being open with one another is key. While I realize you're the only one here that knows your wife's opinions, but try to keep an open mind about her receptiveness; don't box her into what you assume to be true. Instead, ask her after you research and learn about ways that this lifestyle will benefit her (aside from the kinkiness of it all) and present your findings. She may be surprised, after receiving the initial information, that chastity can be quite romantic. Books can be helpful but be careful about handing them over as a replacement for discussion. Supplements can be great but I doubt she wants to feel as though she's been assigned homework (unless she's into that! ). Even in the most communicative relationships, assumptions can cultivate unnecessary doubts or concerns and may ultimately make things more difficult, whereas being upfront will save both of you some time and energy in the long run. Good luck to both of you!
As always Breathe goes right to the point, openness is mandatory for an ever developing relationship. Nothing can replace a candid conversation, start one very cautiously and keep on trying, not easy at first, but the results can be astounding.
Let me say I agree with the advice already offered, good advice and suggest you follow it. I will offer some tips to add to it. First off men in general are not good listeners. Don't go into this conversation trying to tell her why it's a good idea. Broach the subject of "spicing" up your sex life in a non confrontational way. Ask her for some quiet time to talk and say something along the lines that "I've been thinking it would be fun for us both if we tried some new things sexually and I was wondering if you had any fantasies or ideas". Listen to what she has to say and hopefully she'll ask you about yours. If she doesn't, wait for an appropriate time and bring it up. Secondly go slow at the beginning. Introduce the idea that you want her to control and deny your orgasms to build your passion and desire. Emphasize that while you are to be denied, she is encouraged to have as much pleasure as she wants. This is a much more vanilla introduction to chastity than "lock me in this cage and take the key". The hardware can be introduced later once you confess you're struggling with self control. Hopefully by this point you've both seen the benefits of chastity in your relationship and she'll have self interest in going further down the rabbit hole. Finally when you first start, make a game of it. there are tons out there. My wife and I downloaded a make your own wheel of fortune app. We had 2 wheels. First was for time of denial and second was a daily activity. Our daily activities ranged from her getting a back rub to me doing a chore she usually did to a tease and denial session. The game frees your wife from the role of being "mean" to you and takes pressure of a newbie.
sit her down and talk. if she is more relaxed after a glass of wine or a drink after a night out for dinner. that could help keep a open mind. explain how you want to reinvest in your relationship. and you believe masturbation is a large part of why you are not measuring up to what you believe a husband or boyfriend should be. dont go into too much detail and do not reveal our full hand. give her a small picture of the fundamentals and let her mind wrap around that. if she has any sort of curiosity she will google it. prepare her for that by explaining the most minimal of results you hope to achieve with chastity. if it evolves from there, so be it. if it doesnt, atleast you are in a cage for a while with your wife knowing about it thats all you can really ask of her. always mention you are only interested in pursuing this if she is comfortable and having fun. if a KH isnt into it, is she really a Key holder? its a 2 way street and both parties must be fully invested for it to work
You can always test the waters with a couples bondage kit from Spencer's or something similar. (ex. https://www.spencersonline.com/prod...352/c/2385/sc/180/117253.uts?thumbnailIndex=5) If she takes to that, you can ramp it up. But ultimately you will have to have an honest conversation.
Just keep it simple. Start off by finding a good cage you can wear for a while. Introduce it to her as just a foreplay thing that she can unlock when she is ready (after she has had an orgasm or two). Don’t try to put it back on when done unless she suggests it. Let it evolve as foreplay and a game rather than dumping a bunch of stuff on her like contracts, expectations, etc.. So many women will have the first response of “he doesn’t want to have sex with me”, so do NOT even hint of denial until things evolve for a while.
Thank you everyone for your prompt responses... some very sage advice i knew i came to the right place.
There are different ways of introducing the device... You'll know if she likes surprises in the bedroom, if so you could just wear it to bed one night and let her discover it under the covers. Give her the keys. Let her decide when to unlock you. Whenever she does, lock yourself up the next morning or the next time you and her will be apart, and leave the keys on her side of the bed, her desk, wherever is "her territory". She might not 'get' the significance of it to start with, but one day without prompting she'll make those keys disappear. If you think she'll be adverse to a surprise, then explain to her that you're going to wear a device when she's not there, to prevent you / remind you not to masturbate, as that will be better for both of you. Initially take it off when you're going to be naked together. (As a separate issue, you should be always making sure she reaches orgasm before you even think about yourself getting any pleasure.) Then when she's used to always getting satisfaction first, don't take the device off, go without, if she suggests taking it off then let her, but never ask her to do it. The secret to changing the dynamic is to make small subtle changes, always in the direction of making her life more pleasurable. Forget anything for yourself, to start with tell yourself that if your own needs aren't being met then that's a good substitute for her initial lack of experience in how your denial will work for her benefit. You want her to notice the benefits on her own, over time. It will take time, for that you need lots of patience, but when she does notice, she'll understand just how powerful male denial is for her, she'll then embrace it in her own way. I just can't emphasise enough that slowly, slowly is the way to get success.
Just don’t make her feel or think that you don’t want to make love to her. Most women can default to “what’s wrong with ME” way to easily.
Thank you very much for the response.. very good advice... I am not sure I could pull off the "surprise" her vanillaness... is pretty deep rooted and she may not get it... but it gives me a lot to think about.
This is what happened with us too. We developed a "you cum as much as you want, I won't, I want to be horny for you all the time and serve your needs" kind of practice over a couple of years. Then we formally agreed to move to an FLR. The cage came a year after that, once she fully understood and liked all the benefits, to her sexually, to our relationship, and in the softened male edges to my type A alpha personality -- probably in reverse order of importance by the way.
@PouchPantyLover, can you please provide a link to the daily activity wheel? (We don't need a time of denial wheel -- that one's totally up to her even more arbitrary whim.)
Vanilla doesn’t have to be an obstacle. The advice above about being open and honest will get you pretty far unless your wife is absolutely against it. As far as vanilla goes, chastity can be good in a vanilla relationship. My wife was, and still is, very vanilla. She was the typical housewife that hated sex. She hates intercourse, doesn’t like toys, thinks oral is disgusting. But chastity made her realize that sex could be everything she likes without the things she doesn’t like. She no longer has to endure intercourse, and adores seeing and touching my locked up penis. Something about knowing I can’t use it anymore is a very big turn on for her. She really loves being touched and caressed, and when she’s hot and ready she wants touched in very specific ways to get her off, or she wants to ride my thigh to orgasm. These were always unfulfilled desires for her before chastity, because sex was always just for me to hurry up and get my thrusting and banging over with. Plus, as I mentioned, she discovered that having me locked up is very exciting. She never expected it, but it is. She can’t really explain it to me, but something about knowing I can’t use my penis really gets her going.
I have posted many times of how it worked for us. My approach is to first discuss teasing and denial as a form of tantric sex as a means to increase the intensity of your orgasm and provide you with sexual energy and focus on your wife's needs. Just suggest that you do not orgasm the next time you have sex and then see what happens when you do orgasm. Your orgasm should be intense since you waited and make sure to let your wife know how great it felt and how you enjoyed waiting for it. Do that a few times and then suggest being denied a little longer to see what that does and then repeat the whole process. Along the way thank your wife every time she does not let you orgasm and show how in any way you want how much you enjoy it and how it allows you to focus on her sexual pleasure for a change. Do this over time and don't rush it. Let her get comfortable with one thing before going on to the next. Eventually you both will be comfortable trying orgasm denial longer and that is when you mention that they sell devices to prevent men from masturbation (even though they really do not do that). Show her a few online and ask if it is OK to buy and try one. If she says yes you are on your way. However please note that a large percentage of men quit chastity once the reality and initial excitement wears off so it is not worth angering your wife over. I have used this method successfully for over 40 years. I do not show up in bed with a whip and ask a woman to whip me until I cry. I start off with asking for a playful spanking and increasing that over time until she is using a paddle and then a whip. It takes patience an baby steps. It is easier to go from using a hand to spank to a paddle than starting off with a paddle. Good luck. I think many men fail because they present chastity as requiring a FLR/Mistress/Domme situation when chastity can be done without any of that, including a device. We started on the honor system and I was denied many times in the last 20 years using the honor system. I am patient and it pays off in the end.
That is awesome.... i am so happy you got it worked out for you... That is what i am trying to figure out ..
Sorry I must have missed this request before now. Just go to the App store or google play or whatever store and enter a search for create your own wheel of fortune. You have to make up your own activities though
I found this some link some time ago http://chastitylife.com/chastity-games/extreme-chastity-wheel-game/