My journey so far with being a key holder.

Welcome Luvgoddess!

The age old conflict between wants and needs....
The struggle of his "needs" to be locked and your "wants" to play might be best put at rest by using this little gem (I believe written by a member on this site) to identify a random future date where those are no longer in conflict... Until that date, edge, tease, repeat. On that date: Play, Play, then re-lock until the next date....


http://notuntil.today is his web site

As I understand it, his program places a cookie on your computer, so each time you return to the site it will show the same date - until that date has past, of course.

Happy times to you both!

 

oh my! You situation sounds very similar to mine! Check out my first posting on here and you will see. I'm still here two years later, so believe me it gets better!

 

Welcome. You sound a lot like my wife and many other wives who come here initially. Its completely normal to have doubts in the beginning. And there are no rules for this game, so play it how you see it or what works for you two. If you enjoy giving him pleasure then do it. Though I think eventually through natural progression your feelings for pleasing him will become less and less when you realize you will get more pleasure from him the longer he is denied. So basically just have fun with it in the beginning. Thats my 2 cents

 

welcome Lady, I supose you'll find a lot of suggestion by others Ladies/KH

 

You want to reciprocate and he want to get teased denied and some times milked so reciprocate him and some days you will first at your pleasure

 

Beautiful takes me out of the cage about twice a week, not counting weekly cleanings. She has gotten very good at verbally teasing me. She hardly ever misses an opportunity to remind me of my situation. The other day it was as simple as grabbing her property and saying, "Mine!" as we passed each other in the hallway. Sometimes i initiate the exchange by asking for something and she will reply to the effect of, "We could do that, but you're locked up... sorry (not sorry)."

She has also made me read erotic stories. She wants me to go to the final installment of 50 Shades with her but I had not seen or read the other movies/books. She had me watch the movies with her while her feet were in my lap so I could rub them while she was rubbing the cage. She also had me read all 3 books and we would talk about them in the evenings.

I have been tasked with finding erotic pictures of things I would like to try with her. Scrolling through a bunch of Tumblr pics looking for the perfect one will get a guy going.

She sends me daily tasks to complete each morning, and more often then not, She tells me that i will be naked and/or wearing a butt plug while doing them. Things like running errands, cleaning the bathroom, or doing things on the to-do list. I've never gotten so much accomplished in my life.

In the sexual realm, Don't feel bad about having him pleasure you in any manner of your choosing and then lock him back up. I assure you...he really, really...... really, wants you to do this. If you like intercourse and he can't last long enough to pleasure you without cumming, try using lidocaine on him. We haven't tried that one yet. Or... put a strap-on dildo on him. This weekend Beautiful and i are going to make a dildo mold of me using a Clone-a-willy kit. Then you can have your man and still keep him caged.

I hope this helps.

-the footman


P.S. Don't feel guilty when you deny him.... feel guilty when you let him orgasm.

 

Echoing what some others have said....

First remember that he enjoys the denial. While I don't know him, my guess is that like so many here he is turned on by a combination of things

• Disparity in pleasure. You receiving more (far more) pleasure than him
• Disparity in power. You having all the power and decision-making authority and him having none.
• You. Your body, your voice, your humor, your love.

You can use these things to tease him and keep him aroused without ever removing his cage. You might look at the thread on 'hot things my KH has said' and emulate those but basically, verbally tease him by reminding him that you are free to be pleasured and he is not. In the morning you might say "I'm looking forward to sex tonight; bet you wish you were too" or similar to reinforce you will be pleasured and he will not. Remind him of your power. You might say something like "If I am not happy, that cage is not coming off" or "I so enjoy this I am not sure when I'll let you out." anything that makes it clear you are in control. Even when you are not in much in the mood, you can turn even that into teasing by saying things like "I am still satisfied from last time but I guess your not. So you can keep busy _____ (cleaning, rubbing your feet, whatever). So remember, your words are powerful and you can tease and arouse with just a few of them.

You are the biggest turn on for your partner. Use that. Let him see you naked but let him know that is all he gets. Or don't allow him to see you naked and remind him that is your choice. Cuddle him, hold him, kiss him, be as intimate as you want. He will crave your touch, smell, and sound. And then, stop and move on.

A couple practical thoughts.

If you crave intercourse then numb him with a cream or condom, use a strap-on, or sheath. Have sex, just reduce his ability to climax.

If you want him to have some physical pleasure but don't trust yourself, make him masturbate for you while forbidding a climax.

If you want him to be teased but leave you alone you can assign him tasks like writing you note. Ask him to tell you whatever you might want -- what he enjoys, how much he appreciates your holding is key, etc.. Give him a writing task such as at writeforme.org. Give him a sentence you want reinforced such as "I am happiest when locked" and have him it write it over and over. This can also be a good punishment. We have used random number generators at random.org to pick the number of times or whatever.

But most of, remind him that you are having fun and enjoying his submission. His greatest turn on will be know you are turned on.

 

Ace OP and thread.
Request of his is shorthand for: he wants/needs you to control him. But must be on your terms. You need to want to do it and to get what you want from it for yourself. If you do, the sky's the limit! Enjoy!

Plenty of ideas on CM! Just look round or ask!! Or PM.

 

Somewhat understandable at first... But, from now on...

Don't.

You--and him--will be MUCH better off. I trust we can all attest to that in this forum.

In any case, hello and welcome!

 

Hole in one!

 

@Luvgoddess72

For me and my wife, our journey started by having the courage to have regular open & honest discussion - we called it 'real talk'.

I was the one who wanted to be submissive & serve her - at first she didn't know how to accept that. She has always been a strong female seeking an equal - and had never had met a male who believed in FLR.

Eventually she came to understand what drove me - I wanted this lifestyle & kink - it wasn't just a fad or sex play. We found our balance decades ago - it still requires discussion & adaptation.

She definitely appreciates me doing all the chores so she can relax - but it took her years to lose the guilt around that.

Its funny you mention 10 days ... one O. every week or two (for me) was about the average she made me wait ... until the last year of so. Then she started to keep me guessing - it might be anywhere from 1-6 weeks (the average being 2-3). She won't allow me to ask, beg or hint I want an O - so i must just wait in silence until she allows me one.
For me that is nearly impossible!!! Maybe you want to try something along any of those lines.

Anyway, welcome to the Mansion!
It sounds like you two are going into this with your eyes & minds open.
Enjoy whatever the journey brings you.
And, don't feel guilty!
Take FLR by the reins & spur your horse [man] into a gallop.

 

Right. I've been lurking around for a while on this forum, but finally decided to create a profile because of this forum. Because I believe we Dommes ought to help each other out where we can. Especially those in need.

Dear OP. You are amazing. Your partner is so unbelievably happy to have you. It is very clear you care for him a hell of a lot, are willing to give him everything and then some. What he has asked from you now is to take control. Despite your usual submissive tendencies if I read you well.

Bottom line, and I guess most important paragraph to this post, is:
There are no rules! And if there are, you have been the creator of them. You are the one to change them if you like. As long as you keep things safe and sane, it is ALL up to you. And when you think about it, even keeping things safe and sane is a shared responsibility. He has to do his part too to keep things safe and sane (communication is a biggie here for instance). When you realize this, being a Domme is not at all as difficult as some people make it look like. Then it comes very natural.

There really is nothing to feel guilty for. Not one way or the other. Even if you wanted to give him an orgasm almost every day. Have at it, hoss! It is your toy. And if you like to make em squirt for you, nobody will stop you. And if he complaints about that you should come to me, that strikes my creative muscle and got me some ideas we could discuss
If you do make him orgasm that often, I'm quite sure you will in very natural ways start to change that again and experiment with something else.
And if you really don't and after time and time he comes to you telling this is too different from what he was expecting, that would be the moment to have a good talk.

But really, up to that point where he would open up such communications you have not one thing to feel guilty about. He has given/you have taken control. He completely trusts you with it. It is up to you. And you should feel and be free to experiment with what feels good to you. That's the best way to learn and find dynamics you like and love and feel good in. You care so much about your partner. I'm convinced you will automatically find dynamics in which he flourished under your control as well. You shouldn't worry about that so much for now.

Maybe, but now I come to advices I'm a little more careful about giving, cause I don't want to unsolicitedly interfere too much in what you have going on, or what your views on or aims for your relationship are. Maybe you could also let go of setting specific targets in time for now. Maybe it works better (at least for now) for you to just go with how you feel like, without keeping track. He will likely keep track in his head even if you forbade him
But maybe letting go for you will allow you to focus more on the process, on everything it entails, on his reactions, on what you like. That's another thing why I'm telling you this: I get a feeling you are setting these goals to please him. Try to take things away that make you focus on his pleasure for now. It will likely make everything feel so much lighter and easier. And dare to think out of the box to accomplish this. You don't have to follow what you think something should look like. You only have to make sure it feels good.

Finally I want to end by saying I've seen quite a lot of femdom couples. And all had their own specific relationships that worked for you. I've seen couples that adhered to the popular image of femdom rather closely. I've seen those where it was something completely else. I've seen some where at times there were switchy elements. I've also seen couples focusing on radically different things. Everyone develops their own unique styles and dynamics. And that's something wonderful. BDSM and femdom doesn't come in one-size-fits all. You put on the suit and slowly but surely the suit will form to your body while your body adjusts to the suit. It's simple.

A relationship, and certainly a kinky one, is something that needs to grow between two people, and an organic process. There are no wrong or right ways. There are no wrong or right goals (if any!) or outcomes. Now control is firmly in your hands, your primary concerns are very simple:
What do you like? What do you want? What pleases you?

 

@M1sskim very well said.

 

@Luvgoddess72

Great to see you are much more comfortable. Let things evolve.

'Do what you wanna do, be what you wanna be yeah' [From 'Because I Love You', The Masters Apprentices 1970]

 

This is the exact point

 

I am a new member too, people here have been very supportive to me. I know the will do the same to you.

Welcome.

 

That's the trick do what YOU want

 

I don't use them very often if at all now so I can't say which ones but It come to mind that I have seen on some sites primariy sites where people like filling in profiles and were sometimes using them in deciding whtther or not they would like to meet or indeed had already arranged to.

There would be quite a number of fetishes, kinks, practices .. whatever listed alphabetically from I dont know aardvarks to xylophones and people could tick off what they were or were not into and to what degree from ..must have to - hard limit.

I wonder sometimes if some couples would be as well filling one of these in at some point after they realise they are into TTTWD and before they start doing it. In some cases it could be used to promote discussion.. rather than a rule book... just to help decide the parameters of want like and dislike hate ..if not the dynamic of their relationship.

Anything that promotes dicussion could be good for some. As wel as potentially providing some insights it might even generate some ideas too. It could certainly help some to know their partners taboos.

Well it might help some.. its just a thought.

 

I found this thread to be very helpful. I'm in a situation that I'm sure many others have had to struggle with. I'm darn near obsessed with being in an FLR that has enforced chastity as one of its numerous pillars. I love my wife dearly, but the fact is she's not anywhere near as kinky as I am. And quite frankly, it leaves a pretty big hole in my psyche. I've tried on several occasions throughout our time together (24 years-ish?) to convey what this proposed twist to our relationship would mean to me, and how it would very likely be a win-win all around, but I just can't seem to get her to bite. I don't know if my approach has been all wrong or if it's more that I'm simply fighting an uphill battle and may never get to experience what I have fantasized about for so, so long.

I've read about and heard from several sources that I'd consider to be far more centered, at peace and knowledgeable than I, and simply seem to have more life experience under their belt than me. And what I've heard repeatedly is to not try to change someone from who they really are. And this saddens me in that I feel as if it's quite possible that I may never get the chance to fulfill one of my deepest and most profound desires, which is to have my life partner be my KH who basically keeps me in chastity 24/7 AND gets a great deal of satisfaction in doing so. I mean, yes, I do want this to be my life more than almost anything, but I also sincerely wish to put my wife on a pedestal, which I honestly feel she deserves, and please her and worship her to no end. Yes, my desires sometimes make me feel as if I'm being needy and trying to top from the bottom. But I can honestly say that in the bigger picture for me, I want her to know that I adore her, I support her and believe in her. And that I'm proud of her and just naturally wish to serve her obediently. I'd like her to know that I just would feel more comfortable and natural with her at the helm rather than me.

I just wish that deep down, she could sincerely feel that, "Hey... I guess it really is all about me. I should embrace this more and make the most of it. And my slave seems to be more than just on board with this dynamic." My problem is that I simply have no clear and concise ideas as to how I can help her realize that this is something we should at least try.

But after all I've shared in this post, I would like to say that my optimism is slowly growing. In a relatively short time I've read so many posts here written by so many different and interesting people, that I have learned a ton and feel like I've gained some new perspective. So hopefully, as I learn more and more, a new plan will present itself to me and who knows? It might just work for me the next time I plead my case. So thank you, to pretty much everyone here that has shared your stories, your insights and your enthusiasm. I would be so incredibly lucky if I could join the ranks of those here that enjoy having a Keyholder in their life, and are in a relationship where both parties flourish, are excited and are in love.
Cheers!