Struggling with being submissive

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Lockedfiancé, Jan 20, 2018.

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  1. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Long term member

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    The dynamics are different for both of you. You will spend a lot of time toping from the bottom and your frustration will increase
     
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  2. Joan.t
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    Joan.t Long term member

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    aving ealizing after
    You discovered the hard way that this lifestyle is not a game to be played by one, but by two. What I mean is that your fantasy to come true needs to be fully understood and accepted by your loved one, and she after some time having realized that she has full control of you, can, at any time, negate or twist your plans, is her right to do so.
    There's no midterm to this, follow Mandynjack advice, get out before it is too late for you, before resentment grows on you and make everything more difficult or impossible to mend.
     
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  3. Lockedfiancé
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    Lockedfiancé Locked by Mistress U

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    Seems very bleak to say I should just call it quits and to say that the two of us can't come to a conclusion that suits both of us as adults that love each other?
     
  4. Achedlock17
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    Achedlock17 Long term member

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    I agree with this advice 100%, albeit based on limited knowledge and understanding of your actual situation. From what you say you haven’t quite cottoned on to a reality here which is that your partner enjoys leading by reference to her desires without reference to yours. Yes of course she refers to your tumblr likes and your fantasies and there is no denying that you get off on them. However a relationship is a more holistic thing than just getting off and if she isn’t listening to your reservations, and is instead pointing out that “you signed up for this hunny” then I’d get out tbh. You have every right to change your mind and at the end of the day it’s only worth being lead by someone who improves your life. Put differently perhaps it turns out that there is more to you than your sexual desires. Good luck and best wishes.
     
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  5. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    I think some think this is all or nothing lifestyle, I don’t think it has to be that black and white.

    I’ve seen couples here that use chastity and cages as a tool, a sex toy, that enhances desire and brings imagination and hunger back into the bedroom. Some put it on for a weekend, and D/s has little to nothing to do with their relationship.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that because you want and expect a certain amount of sexual contact, that doesn’t mean you have to chuck your cage in the drawer. It may mean that you take a little time out, talk to your wife about what you feel is missing and for her to do the same, and see if there is a compromise to be made. One of my suggestions would be to wait a month after your talk before having another follow up. That would give her time to not feel pressured, and still supply the attention you feel you need. You are not to bug her about it during your month, and trust she will get to you she on her terms, when and how she pleases.

    This can be a lot of fun, even if you adjust this to just a sexual buildup and tease, so don’t just toss your cage just yet, I’m sure if she likes this, there are compromises that you both concede to.
     
  6. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    I want to respond to all of this but I haven't got time right now. So I'll just say three things:

    First, it's a mistake to expect an FLR to generate significantly more sexual activity than would happen in your relationship during "good patches". So weekly adventures is probably realistic to expect as the norm, oral and teasing every night less so.

    Second, it's important to build kink into the fabric of the FLR. For example, we have a punishment system based on demerits and every night I kneel in the corner until summoned to bed.

    Third, no matter how enthusiastic she is, the kink has to be a means to a vanilla end for her. For example, punishment quite genuinely makes me a more meticulous house husband.
     
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  7. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Long term member

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    I agree in principle, but this really is a one way street relationship. I've seen enough of these go south. However, he's a big boy, his life etc.
     
  8. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Long term member

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    I think if you read back your own opening narrative hunny, the clues are there. It's more of a; what kind of road are you both on? Your narrative suggests you are both on different ones.
     
  9. jshackleton2016
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    If she is happy and you are not, at least part of you should be happy that she is happy. Build on that and talk to each other. Build on her happiness. It is huge that she is enjoying you. Talk about your feelings when you can approach her in a calm good natured manner. I am going through a similar thing now where I want more. But I always want more! I am selfish. I am trying my best to resolve my feelings and approach my wife in a way that acknowledges her as the best partner that has me, who is learning to grow in this new FLR paradigm and it ain’t easy. Relationships are work with great reward.
     
  10. Lockedfiancé
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    Lockedfiancé Locked by Mistress U

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    I think several people on this thread are misunderstanding what it is I was trying to convey. At no point has my kh/fiance ever said this is what you have signed up for so deal with the consequences. I can get out or take a break whenever either of us want to. As of right now I don't see that happening we are both enjoying this far to much. We are both very much aware of the fact that a relationship is holistic and it is not bedroom games all the time, even though it is a lifestyle. I was simply asking for some advice regarding how to make myself feel better and to be a better submissive for her. After reading all of these posts and doing some reading from other sources I feel much better and have no longer felt any kind of drudgery in doing things that are standard in a flr. We talked, I conveyed my concerns to her and she made me feel much better about where things were going. Many of the posts on this thread were very helpful and I appreciate everyone's time in responding.

    I do not think we are on different roads at all. We just started this and we are both learning obviously there are going to be bumps in the road. My initial two posts may have misled some, it's hard at times to convey things properly on the internet. The idea that I should quit and beg my way out quite frankly pissed my fiance off (yes, she read through everything on this thread). She knows this is what I want and this is what she wants as well. Both my fiance and myself are quite willing to make it work in whatever way needed to make both of us as happy as possible. Is that not what relationships are all about? Even D/s relationships?
     
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  11. Mistress U
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    Mistress U New member

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    Thank you to all who have posted advice. Being new at this can sometimes feel like a lot of pressure, but many of those that posted about feeling similarly or that we are on a good start make me feel extremely hopeful for our future with chastity.

    To those commenting that my fiancé should just give up or beg his way out I must say that this was disappointing to hear. Considering that he was nervous for quite sometime to reveal his feelings about chastity and other kinks he had to me and then wait for me to become comfortable with the idea, I feel as though we've worked too hard to just give up because things become somewhat difficult. From what I've read and understood, the process of growing into a FLR or D/s relationship is not one that comes easily for many. My fiancé is rather familiar with chastity and things that typically go with it and I was unaware of any thing concerning chastity at the beginning of this. Because of this I believe it was much harder for him to truly believe that I would become as dominant as I have. This at times causes him to have a hard time submitting to me when it does not go how he would want. I believe that this is all a part of the process and that being a part of this community will help him grow into the sub that I want him to be. This being said, I am understanding that because we are learning how to function in a full time FLR, there will always be places to grow and learn for both of us. We have always communicated well and through this process that has continued to be true. If he ever has an issue with something I do or am not doing, we talk it out and I make sure he understands where I intend to go with our relationship. I always take into consideration how he is feeling because I love and care about him, being in an FLR does not and should not change that. This definitely does not mean he gets his way if it is not what I want. Becoming dominant changes many things, but not that I want us both to be happy in the relationship we are in and committed to.
     
  12. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Glad you two are on the same page. That I think is the best part of this. It somewhat forces people to express themselves when sometimes it is easier to just let things go.

    I have been guilty of that myself (not saying you are this is a me thing). I tend to not express feelings or my desires out of embarrassment or just not wanting to rock the boat. This leads to problems later when things get pent up. Being in chastity seems to open a line of communication I would have normally left closed. Trust I think is what really makes this work, and trust is exactly what you sign up for when you hand someone the keys to your very self.

    Wishing you both an active and fun new world to explore together.
     
  13. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Long term member

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    All power to you hunny, enjoy your times. xx
     
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  14. Achedlock17
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    Achedlock17 Long term member

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    I’m glad you’ve worked with your fiancé on communication. I did preface my remarks by saying I didn’t know much about your actual circumstances and it now sounds like you’re moving the FLR forward together after talking your feelings and hers through. Just one point: I hear you that your fiancé was pissed off at the suggestion that this could be a deal breaker and I respect her viewpoint; I simply point out that a risk in FLR is that the male goes along with what the female leader wants longer than he “should”. Put differently because females are fully capable of leading males from a position of power some may end up using that power in ways that don’t suit the male if he isn’t capable of communicating his concerns or getting traction for them. I am happy that you have been fortified in your FLR by this episode-it is your relationship, as well as your partner’s.
     
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