Loving your partner while dominating them.

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Mistress MIN, Dec 12, 2017.

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  1. Mistress MIN
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    Mistress MIN Member

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    From the get-go, I've found it difficult to both dominant my husband and be the loving & supportive wife I've always wanted to be. A big portion my probable came from my preconceived ideas of what a 'good wife' should be. How can a wife show she loves, honors, and support her husband? By giving his sexual fantasies a try, of course! Now his fantasy is my fantasy. I love locking him up and playing a good long game of T&D, but sometimes I still struggle with wanting to give him everything he so desperately wants.

    A lot of the this comes from the fact that he is my husband, so we are very emotionally attached. We already had an established relationship (we were living together) before we began out our D/s dynamic. Merging the two is more difficult than I expected! Are there any other wives/femdoms/dominatrixs out there who have experienced the same struggle of being a full-time dom to their hubby who they so desperately love?! Who wants to give him the world, make all of his dreams come true, but keep his cock locked in a cage all at the same time?
     
  2. sissyassslut
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    sissyassslut Active member

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    Some times it is just a natural progression. We have been together 15 years married for over ten and have slowly merged our fantasies with our real life together.
     
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  3. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    Speaking as a husband - hope you don't mind me replying, I know you asked for wife responses - in a similar situation, the two aren't incompatible. Being in charge doesn't meaning being malign. You can still have his best interests at heart. All the kink stands in for the romance regular couples do.

    However, if you mean you feel a pressure to live up to his sexual expectations, then you should probably talk to him. We all have fantasies that aren't ever going to happen. That's normal and probably healthy. However, what most of us seek in reality is actual reality. Knowing my wife really likes doing the kink she does do is far more of a turn on than if she merely simulated one of my fantasies for me. I suspect that if you ask your husband, he'll tell you the same.

    If that still leaves you feeling vaguely guilty, try making an effort to tell him how much you enjoy what you do do, and how you wouldn't have it any other way... and take note of the effect on him.
     
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  4. JiL
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    JiL servitude4u

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    Remember, as you stated, that this is at least somewhat his fantasy. Just the fact that you have agreed to try this and make it more than a fantasy should be making him very happy. Where you are concerned as both his Wife and KH, you have absolutely no need to feel guilt. While you enjoy this to a certain extent, you will become more comfortable with it as time goes by and the lines of communication flow between the two of you. Surely, you may not be comfortable or be able to make all of his fantasies a reality, but that is not what this is suppose to be entirely about. It's suppose to be about You first and foremost, and to an extent, this may cause you some guilt as well. Putting yourself at the head of the line without question is not what you were taught. Denying him and keeping him in a state of courtship at your knees will make him love you and bring you closer than you've ever been. While I am not the exact type of respondent you were looking for, I hope my response is helpful to you.
     
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  5. jshackleton2016
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    I think my wife struggles with the same thing sometimes. But I think it is a very fleeting guilt when she considers that my subservience and obedience to her is so enhanced when I am caged and denied at all times until the times of HER choosing. Plus she knows I love the feeling of devotion that the chastity/FLR lifestyle makes me feel towards her. Devotion is a very fulfilling feeling! As long as you and your husband have open lines of communication, and are honest with each other, you can work through these struggles together.
     
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  6. Mistress Jules
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    Mistress Jules Professional Dominatrix and Owner of Lockit
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    It' great that you are both enjoying this wonderful world. One of the biggest struggles is trying to merge the vanilla and kink sides. I think it is extremely difficult to be a full time Dominant. There are times when you have to come out of the role and do vanilla day to day things like paying bills, going to work and doing the laundry.

    It would be great if we could all be in our roles all the time but real life often intrudes. Don't worry about it, it's so much easier being in the roles you both love if you accept that sometimes it won't be possible. It just makes it all the more fun when you can go back to your roles.
     
  7. nuvaris
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    nuvaris Exploring the cognitive qualities of sensuality

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    Well, there's what he wants (now) and what he wants (long term). You're helping him maintain the discipline to overcome his immediate hunger in favor of a better experience. Reminding him that "you know what he really needs" or "I promised I'd make this happen, and I'm not going to let you down" can be both frustrating and thrilling to him. It seems counter-intuitive, but separating the volitional intent and the immediate cravings are key to making the experience fun for both of you. It takes practice, but your desire to share it with him will win in the end.
     
  8. Mistress MIN
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    Mistress MIN Member

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    All input is welcome, from a husband or wife! So thank you for your thoughts. I fear I didn't express myself very clearly: I love everything about his fantasies. I wouldn't have it any other way because his fantasies are my fantasies I was always too scared to explore. And my husband is very respectful and understanding of my own personal limits. My issue is finding a good balance within myself! My husband is very good at never making me feel guilty about anything. ever! He's really good.
     
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  9. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    You're probably figuring out there are a lot more men than women on this site. So yes another one chiming in. My wife and I created a ritual. About once a month we each make a list of 3 things we like and 3 we don't like about our chastity and FLR relationship. We then exchange our lists and discuss them. I am free to speak my mind without regard to my submissive position and no consequences. I've found this to be very helpful to me in discovering what she likes and making sure I pay attention to it.

    The struggle you describe in my short experience doesn't go away. Sometimes you exist in the sweet spot where you feel a proper balance. More often than not you tend to go more one way or another. I need my wife to be very dominant in the week following an orgasm. On the other hand she is having her period right now and she doesn't want to do any of that stuff, but expects lots of foot rubs and cuddles. Just keep walking to tight rope and communicate.
     
  10. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    I think if you are sure that your husband will be honest if you hit a hard limit, then it's OK to just let go and do the things that please you and see how you feel about the results. I should imagine that this is what he wants and that you are in fact giving him the world.

    As long as nobody is injured, a bad experience won't destroy either of you or your marriage. It'll just show you where your limits are.
     
  11. demale
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    demale Long term member

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    I told my wife that I would be happy if she locked me, she refused and it ended there. If locking isn't the woman's idea, it's more likely that she's satisfying a male fetish. Maybe she's happy to oblige, maybe she tolerates it, maybe she finds it an annoyance.
     
  12. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Since you are open to the locked perspective I will throw in my 2 cents:D.

    My kh started this very reluctantly. She did not want the responsibility of something so intrinsic and private to self. When you think about it, it is a heavy burden to carry. I explained that the only thing she needed to do was unlock me when she wanted to use it, she agreed to give it a shot. She quickly did a thousand searches on the internet and discovered on her own most of the details of what some of my kinks might be, and what enforced chastity does.

    The very next time we were about to make love, after I unlocked she climbed on and said “I guess I will be on top from now on”. She made the effort and took the initiative. That isn’t even something I had thought of before, but it made sense and we still almost exclusively make love with her on top.

    She let me out almost every night and had an O every night. She loved me and wanted to please me. Eventually as she started to enjoy the person I was becoming, the attention, and exploring her own kinks...her guilt eventually subsided.

    I think it was my piercing. While I was healing, I continued to be chaste and attentive which lasted weeks. By the time I was able to make love again, she knew I could go weeks caged. With that knowledge she began to concentrate on her pleasure, which only made it that more fun for me.

    We pushed each other’s boundaries, communicated our desires, and eventually my submissive kink became hers. One time while playfully chatting about how much I wanted her she said she didn’t have enough time. I laughingly said that it would only take a few seconds before I finished since it had been awhile. She said “well that wouldn’t do anything for me, and sex is all about my pleasure isn’t it.” I agreed with a very leaky cage, and there it was. The moment. This wasn’t about my pleasure anymore, and she didn’t feel onebit of guilt for thinking that way.

    We have talked about chastity, and the what ifs, and discovered that we wouldn’t ever go back to “normal”, she found empowerment and a confidence that she is not willing to give up. She would negotiate, listen, and be fair, but she was not going back.

    So if the love is there, it will evolve on your terms, and he will feel more loved than you can imagine.
     
  13. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    Your post is very true and to the point. @Mistress MIN dealing with your husband and his Kink is not always easy. Speaking from experience it took us many years to get to where we are. The key in my Opinion is Love and Respect for each other. Just because society may not understand how your relationship is doesn't mean it's wrong. How ever your relationship is its Yours and as long as it's built on Love And Respect its Perfect. It takes time but it's worth the effort.
     
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