Not all fairy tales have a happy ending

Earlier this week, my wife and I decided to quit with chastity play/dynamics/lifestyle. We struggled for almost two decades with sex. She's from a small religious town and raised with dogmas that sex is for reproduction only and not to be enjoyed, while I consider it an essential part of a relationship. A complicating element was that she had a strong belief that sex could never be a part of a discussion just because girls don't talk about this subject.

After 18 years of missionary position sex only (which satisfied her 100% and frustrated me to the max), we realized that we had to stop having sex at all or try to explore options. I gave her a hall pass to catch up and broaden her horizon. We brought chastity into our sex life to spice it up even more.

In the end it takes two people to tango. For some the idea of having a hotwife - cuckold relationship with her using all the freedom she got whilst being ignored yourselves, may sound like the ideal wife. It wasn't the case for me. We came from a situation in which everything other than missionary was called and condemned as perverse. We ended in a situation in which she had no clue about the time I was locked up. That gave me the feeling that my sexuality was denied again.

Well, with us both at the age of 47 we have agreed to quit sex completely and will never touch each other again apart from hugs or non-sexual intimacy. I have a hard time in believing that rational agreements can control primal instincts and fear a future full of lies and cheating.

Why this post? It's not intended to be a rant or expressing anger about my wife. It is about recognizing red flags and to prevent being blinded by the joy of change. Communication is key - if you can't have an honest respectful discussion showing dignity for the sexuality of the other, it's bound to fail. We learned it the hard way. I sincerely hope that this real life experiences can help others to prevent falling in this pitfall.

 

It is a painful situation. My opinion is that I've really reached out, she dated man without my prior knowledge but I was okay with it as I considered it as a part of reinventing herself. I got messages in which she was over the moon and happy and thankful for allowing her sexual development. When the shit hit the fan, those experiences were easily forgotten and it blew up in my face as "she only fulfilled my wishes". That was hard to swallow and led to the conclusion that we have no common ground concerning sex.

Don't get me wrong: I made mistakes as well especially by expressing disappointment when she had a great experience without paying attention to me or my wishes.

 

Thanks for all the comforting words, that really helps. @Gigaman, I'm so aware that I can't blame her but have to look in the mirror and face the mistakes I've made. The complicating part is that sex is off limits as a discussion topic which results in passive aggressive actions or responses to other things a couple talks about from both sides. Yes, I feel abused and humiliated. Why haven't I stopped this earlier instead of going on for 18 years; why haven't I rung the alarm bell earlier when I fell out of the equation when she was having extramarital fun? How come that she stopped paying attention to me as her impression was that she would never meet my standards? We've both ignored and crossed each others boundaries.

We had therapy, in which I was told to control my frustration and to positively reinforce her, which I did to the best of my abilities. In the end it boiled down to: "I did the best I could to fulfil your pervert wishes and I failed." That hurts because being labelled as a pervert is humiliating and that she only did it for me contradicts with the fun and joy she expressed when she used her "hall pass".

We need to find a solution to get out of the blaming game, there is no way back anymore and no way forward either as I refuse to return to her definition of sex (lying on her back saying: "you can start"). I was proud that I have never cheated on her while all friends have in their relationship. If we both retract to our safety zone with no common ground, I fear the worst.

 

Thank you so much for the genuine concern. I'll try to keep you updated. This post was not written with the intention to raise concerns, but rather as a message to keep communicating as partners. The ugly reality is that things are falling apart at a rapid pace as we both have difficulties to make the leap over the pain towards the mutual love. The love is there, we both know it but I fear that we've passed the point of no return. I'll do anything to repair the damage that I have done and more to save our marriage. Wish me (or: us) luck please.

 

I have good news to share. It is amazing what discussing the highs and lows of your relationship can change and more specifically: can change our views of the problems that we ran into. Less than 24 hours ago I was pretty much devastated as I had never witnessed such a determination to separate in her. I think that we faced more difficulties especially concerning health than the ordinary family, but were privileged to enjoy more "highs" as well in the past two decades.

In the end the discussion was about sexual feelings and we came up with a list with "turn ons", "will and can do's" and "out of my comfort zone". This was not a structured process and this was not the intended result, but the willingness to come up with a solution to avoid a divorce, somehow led to this. Not surprisingly, the overlap was huge.

We made a step towards a solution. Discussing the hard times brought back the respect for the difficulties she faced when I needed help and vice versa, but most importantly: it made me (us) lose my narrow minded view on this problem. Talking about the good times returned the feeling that we were meant to be together. It is a step in the right direction in a very fragile situation, but it is the first time we tried to create solutions instead of damaging more.

 

Confidence is growing. We decided to eliminate all complicating elements and potential dangers such as extramarital sex. Our list of sexual activities that we both feel comfortable with is pretty limited at the moment, but it is a start. There is mutual willingness to make this work. We might decide to experiment with her "hall pass" again, but only if it works for the both of us. @demale if it works and we both enjoy it, we might and if there is something in for me and her, I guess I could be a happy cuckold. We're not even remotely close to that point though. You've mentioned this part twice, is there a specific question you want me to answer? I'm definitely experienced in this field.

 

That is exactly where the friction started with us. I really didn't feel any jealousy and was even happy for her that she could enjoy something I couldn't give her. Whether I was aware of it or not, (sub)consciously I expected something in return. It turned out to be sexual excitement, desire, attraction or whatever you can call the sexual dynamics between partners. It went wrong as her needs were fulfilled elsewhere and it didn't spark a fire between us, on the contrary and caused frustration when she didn't act at all. In the first situation feelings of neglect dominate while the second one is even more dangerous as frustration easily leads to viewing someone as dull, unattractive or uninteresting while they might only have had a bad week at work as example. Great power comes with great responsibilities and expectations, but should be discussed before you enter these dynamics.

 

I almost feel like I should add a disclaimer This is my view with hindsight and it is just one experience, not a universal truth. It wasn't the lover that created the problem, it was perhaps my expectation that her freedom would lead to more sexual attention and desire between us. That didn't happen. Some women radiate sexuality, they flirt and use their sex appeal in their advantage. Other women don't and my experience is that giving a hall pass doesn't change that.

Talk to your wife would be my advice. If she wants one and understands your needs, you could enter a wonderful dynamic without ever taking a lover for real.