Back in the reins (I think)...struggling

Congrats
Go with your gut
This is about you. So don't worry about him so much. Understand that his pleasure is making you happy. As you know he'll whine, cry and act like the spoiled four year old that he is inside. Your job is to be the parent. To set the rules, boundaries and limits. In time it'll be easier, but at first it's going to be hard. So make friends with the ladies here and get encouragement and reassurance from them.

In time you'll become the powerful woman that both of you want. You're not going to be exactly as he fantazines because you'll be much better. But that only happens by being the best you. So rest assured that while it won't be easy at times it'll be much more than worth it if you put in the effort.

 

First off having chastity lines where his behavior dictates what you must do to him, is actually him topping from the bottom. If you want full control, just have one rule; You make the rules, do not have to tell him and can change tham at anytime without prior notice. Have a rulebook or a chastity contract, take control away from you and gives it to whatever rules you have.

I know when we first started out with rules. I would do things so that my wife had to do what I wanted her to do to me. I was controlling her by using the rules. I knew what to do if I was in the mood for punishment and everything else in our rulebook. I was indirectly controlling her. Do any of the rules force him to do something for you that you like or are they all based on doing things to him?

We have been at this thing called chastity so long that is has become part of my normal sex life. I easily can wear my cage with no effort or pain. It rides on me as easily as my wedding ring does. If you want to succeed, you cannot script your sex life. It has to be spontaneous and in the case of chastity, you decide what to do or not to do. If you become a slave to rules, it will not be fun in the long run. It really sounds that he is controlling you rather than vice versa. I was very guilty of that so I know how it goes.

I knew what to do to get my wife do things to me that I wanted her to do but she was not in the mood to do them or enjoy them. Why should you have a rule to punish him? If you want to do it, just do it when you want to. Do not get into a cause and effect chastity game. That puts him in charge and you are merely doing what he wants you to do even if you do not feel like doing it.

Chastity only began to work well for us when we dropped all rules. My wife can keep me locked during sex as she has been doing lately, or unlock me so she can edge me. She can punish me if she wants, or not. There is nothing I can do to direct her actions anymore. I cannot buy an early release. It took a few years to learn what we did but when we did, it became easy for both of us and felt natural. Tonight I forgot to take out the garbage. My wife could have whipped me if she wanted to but she was tired and decided not to. I could massage her feet every night and serve her meals but that will not get me released early. She will tell me that I can orgasm on a certain special day and may do it earlier or later. Last year I did not get to orgasm on our wedding anniversary, birthday or xmas. I got to orgasm when she felt like putting up with me post orgasm for a week or two.

I am not suggesting that you do not make it fun for him too. Learn what he likes but leave it up to you when to do them or if to do them. That is control. My wife knows what I like or do not like. She just decides when I get the stuff that I like and I accept the things that she likes because I like doing so. Long term chastity play takes time and adjusting as you go along. I did all the things that people here say not to do, but I learned from my mistakes as did my wife. Now we have it where we both enjoy all the things we do in chastity. There is no rulebook, only what my wife desires. Keep it fun and try ditching any rules you have. A cause and effect relationship puts the cause in charge. It/he controls the effect. You will get it after time has passed and your husband should understand that it is no fun for you unless you have total control. Tell him that you know what he likes and will not do what he dislikes. However, it is your decision to do them or not.

 

Throw the contract in the bin Chesty. You decide the rules.
Have you tried breaking him in yet? That's often a very good way to nip a power struggle in the bud.

 

I say no contract unless this is a relationship that is built only around this kink.
(Sorry I'm not sure if you are married or not Or your situation)

We always had a bit of a power struggle in the beginning.
He would want and want and sometimes I say no.
He would get upset becuase I say no and he says I'm not being fair.
I get upset becuase he's getting upset.
Now we are both upset and frustrated!
I have threatened to quit even though I really didn't want to.
These fights always lead to learnign more about each other and we're we are going with each other.
Husband and I have always been very close and connected.
Him always trying to display that he is the dominant one but always crumbling beneath me.
Him always wanting to make me happy. Emotionally and sexually.

In the beggining I didn'tknow this was going to work. I didn't want to hurt him (aside from a spanking here and there ) so I read a lot and I talked a lot and I learned ways to control without CONTROLLING! There was, and still is, training and rewards. There is appropriate disaplyn for when it is needed. Although they are our submissive they are still lovers.They still have feelings and wants and needs that need to be heard and in some way met.

There will be hard moments but eventually he will start letting off a little. You just need to keep communicating about how important this is to you. And although he is overwhelmed with sexual feelings he needs to remeber that you have feelings too.
Chang won't just happen over night. But help him trust you that you know what is working best.

 

Eventually it will all fall in to place.... all your hard work will have paid off. Every moment will be worth it.
This is when you will feel like he is broken.
My husband and I have come to a place I never even dreamed of... until about a year ago, and I love it.

 

I love the incite LadyS seems you have gone through quite a progression. How long did it take you to get to this point?

 

That is a really good ploy. Tried and tested.
If it was himself that introduced the concept of chastity to you then it's very likely a deep seated fantasy for him.
Threatening to throw it in the bin and be done with the whole idea if it's not making you happy is probably the best trump card of all.

Oh and don't feel guilty about pushing him along. He's loving it.
Keep pushing until the slippery slope ;-)

 

As far as relocking goes...I know I probably shouldn't need to be told...but it helps. Being told helps. It instantly goes from volunteering to do something I'm not even sure she cares about that day, to following a direct order to comply. Same goes for many of the activities that I have agreed to do.

Maybe I haven't gotten to the point of submissiveness that I just do things on my own.

if it was advice towards how to deal with me, be firm, be resolute, give direct orders and demand complete compliance. I don't mean act like a jerk, but tell him how much he means to you and that this is what you need. You can't be swayed , but you will listen to and comfort him.

That's just me though...I need someone more bullheaded than me lol

 

I'm coming to this from a different angle, as we have a different situation, but I'll throw it into the mix.

For us the venture into caged chastity was my idea. I started the conversation, I bought the cage, and I took the lead. I think, certainly in our case, the term "contract" is too formal but we did have a long discussion about what we both wanted. I love Ian being in chastity, along with all the fringe benefits I get, but what did he want me to do in exchange? Ian's ideas took me a bit beyond some of my comfort zones, but that was the point. I won't go into the gory details in this post, if I did people would say we are doing it all wrong!

Given that background, we are in the happy state where we aren't having arguments or control issues. We are both winners, both more sexually fulfilled. In geopolitical terms, we both have a nuclear button so it's highly unlikely that either of us will press it.

I don't know if a two way deal would work for you, but it works for us.

Jane
X

 

My ex and I were like Jan and Ian we didn't have a contract per se, instead we too talked a lot and worked on what was acceptable and what wasn't in our relationship. Unfortunately we disagreed on something not relating to kink that we couldn't work through. It saddens me as our relationship was amazing in every other aspect, and the good communication and clear boundaries everywhere else were great.

So I'd argue that writing things can be good, but discussing them and living by what you agree to is more important.

 

I can understand the wanting of him to think about pleasing you but after he was just teased the poor guy probably couldn't think of anything else! I think for a lot of denied guys they get some relief from pleasing, a sort of quasi orgasm from it. Maybe its just me but I think this is one thing that shouldn't be denied to a locked up man.

 

I'm a firm believer that he can experience a fair degree of relief simply by living vicariously through your own orgasms.

 

We are at a point where we may start the chastity play thing. I currently define my marriage as sexless though my wife would disagree. Since I have minimal confidence that her being "in control" will improve our sex life I have taken precautions. Also in our conversations I have discussed my expectations which I don't consider topping from the bottom as I am also part of the relationship and deserve to get something out of the sacrifice. In regards to mascara's last post, I wonder if I was eating a nice meal and her plate was empty, would it be fair to say don't complain about being hungry, my meal is fantastic?

 

I agree with this.

 

There is in fact no similarity. If you don't eat you will starve. If you don't orgasm then you will not starve.

A better example would be if her orgasm was a roller coaster ride (metaphorically speaking) it would be fair to say don't complain about not being on the roller coaster ride when you are hanging on to the outside of it.


And it's "with regards to" not "in"

 

You are in a tough position ... because ... it appears that you may actually want him to eat you, but that you feel that as you grow into the dominate role (specifically that he asked / wanted to do eat you) forces you to tell him no. If this in fact is true ... then I would suggest that things you enjoy and may want him to do regularly are off limits for him to "ask" for.

In the end remember that being dominate in the simplest terms means you decide. So even if you decide that you are going to give him a BJ every night for a month and he is going to cum ... it is you deciding ... so if your desire is to be the decision maker (dominate) then the conversations / action in your relationship must be modified so that you are actually making the decisions YOU want ... not saying the opposite of what is suggested / asked for, so that you are in control ... this is where the saying "topping from the bottom" comes from ... he wants you to deny him so he asks for it forcing you to say no ... which then takes the decision away from you no matter if you say yes or no. So pick one or two things (you need at least one punishment for him and one pleasure for you) that you want 100% decision making on and tell him he can not ask / initiate / manipulate / anything about them in any way ... then use them as you see fit for a few weeks ... once you get those worked out the rest will feel more comfortable to engage in.

 

As a chastised male the further you get from your own orgasms the more important and significant those of your Mistress become. It was quite a moment when I realised that Elle had started describing her orgasms as 'our' orgasms.

 

Makes me think of when mistress and I first started. We sat down, and although she was willing to try this, wanted a clear understanding of what was expected. We had a very descriptive chat about hard limits.

I made it very clear what I wouldn't do...ya know what? We had a long list and now i do or accept many that were on the list.

Lists are nice to start, they set boundaries and expectations, like a fence with neighbors. Then eventually people evolve. Writing them down over and over with changes would seem silly, and you just do what you do. Trying to picture myself with a wad of papers in my hand running up to her "see I was right! It says under bulletpoint 4 paragraph 2 that you are supposed to ___."

Years ago when I was first into chastity I had thought it all out. I'm gonna lock up for two weeks, and have a clause that she has to let me out in 3 weeks. Yep I had big plans.

The fact was I was thinking about how to salvage a sexless marriage. We only had sex about once every two months or less as it was and thought hey...lets put some rules in there and at least we will have sex or watch me masterbate every 2 weeks. I kept reading about chastity from blogs and even here, and realized how toxic that would make it. You can't give something to someone and tell them how and when to use it. Giving is giving...no takesys backsys. And giving her control without boundaries wasn't something I trusted her with so I never confronted her with chastity.

Getting someone to wear a cage for you and controlling him I am sure will start off with compromise, giving him certain things that maybe isn't what you thought should be on your list, but eventually you will evolve, and the list reduced to exactly what pleases you. You being super happy, and sexual around him will make it all worth while to him and acceptance sets in without him even knowing.

I don't buy into the whole her orgasms make me feel like I did...but I do buy in to her being happy makes me happy and fulfilled.

 

As far as giving you pleasure and denying him just cause he likes it? To us...silly. Why would she go without just because I enjoy it too. If she wasn't in the mood she would say no, but it wouldn't be based on my wants and desires, only hers.

 

I guess it depends on how important orgasm(s) is to the couple. A vicarious orgasm still isn't an orgasm and has no value to the denied.

 

To each his own.

 

Nico, at what point does no translate into your not worth my time. Do your needs/desires ever superseed hers. If you felt really strongly about something would she respect that even if her desire would be to say no?

 

I'm the end a woman body is a woman's body.... it's not here for a man, Becuase he needs it or desires it.
JUst becuase you are horny doenst mean a woman should have to feel like she needs to give her body up to make you happy.

If my husband came to me and said, I need give you oral, I might just laugh at him and walk away.
There have been times I have been in the mood and said yes.... there are also been many times I say no. Just becuase he sulks about it doenst mean I have to feel bad about my choice.
And it doenst mean I don't care about his needs or desires.