How to get wife more involved?

Yours is a common problem. We played games too at the beginning. Eventually my wife felt that the games took all the control away from her. This is what worked for us: We agreed on the minimum number of orgsams and then let my wife decide when and if she would stick with the minimum number or give me more. Pick a realistic number or it will not work.

What I did was a little acting. When she denied me I thanked her and offered to do things for her. When she let me orgasm I never thanked her and acted as if I hated the feeling following my orgasm and 10 seconds of pleasure were not worth losing the feeling I had when denied. This went on for many months. Sometimes I would try to pull my wife's hand away when she tired to give me an oragasm. She wanted me to orgasm more than I did.

We also talked which provided me the opportunity to get her to understand that denying me gives me pleasure, not giving me orgasms. She had to change all those years of programming to make the man's orgasm be the proof of your sexiness. My wife used to call sex without my orgasm, fake sex. What worked well for me was to give my wife foot massages when I was denied and horny. When she let me orgasm and wanted me to rub her feet, it was mechanical and not fun for her. Positive reinforcement works.

You need to take baby steps and keep rewarding your wife when she denies you an orgasm. Sooner or later she will figure it out for herself and that is when you step out of the picture and let her run the show. I will not lie. It took us 3 years before my wife stopped feeling guilty for denying me. We still negotiated the number of orgasms each year, but that ended this year. Now I have no say in anything. We took baby steps and talked every week to see what worked and did not work.

We also started out with just teasing and denial. Our first attempt to include FLR and D/s failed miserably. Made my wife cry because she was overwhelmed. She tries any fetish I ask her to but they all ended in the bedroom. This one required to to run our marriage, a task she acknowledges she is not willing or able. Letting a spouse run a marriage simply because of their gender is not a good idea. In my marriage we each do what we are best at. There is no one person in charge of the marriage. We each have veto power and just do not want to do anything that the other does not want to do. We always keep the wants and needs of each other in mind in all decisions that affect the other in any way, if even just to go out one night with the girls.

Make it a game with your wife. Try to get away from the dominance game and do it because the longer you wait, the more intense the orgasm much like Tantric sex minus the cage. If you are denied for one week, try two weeks next time. Get used to that a few times and then go 3 weeks, etc.. Once you get the basics down, then you can introduce new fetishes to compliment chastity one at a time. Good luck. I got my very submissive wife to love chastity. She can whip my butt and deny me for months but once outside of the bedroom she takes care of me since i work and she does not.

 

It all comes down to "what's in it for her?"

One approach is to grant her privileges that would otherwise be unreasonable, but only when you're locked. This could be as simple as "She's in charge" or as specific as "he does all the cooking when locked". Don't present this as a trade. Rather, when you are locked you are more submissive.

Beyond that, vanilla partners usually have trouble with Masoch's Paradox: Us wanting things we don't like/liking things we don't want.

It might be worth explaining that your kink operates on a continuum from "Fun" through to "Fun to be Scared Of" and that therefore chastity can be both a torture and a punishment.

Once you have that established, two possibilities come to mind:

1. Adopt some elements of FLR. Ask her to set you targets with chastity penalties. These could be specific chores, or - perhaps better - personal improvement targets.

2. Connect your chastity to her orgasms. In our case it amuses Xena that her orgasms add penalty days to my chastity. However, you might want to work it the other way around and have so many of her orgasms required for you to earn one for yourself.

 

We started out with her rolling the dice and writing down the number of days til my next orgasm (without me knowing). We then increased the number of dice to increase the number of days. After that, she was comfortable with choosing the number of days on her own. I always thank her after a tease session for not allowing me to cum. I know she wants to make me happy, so she has no problem denying me an orgasm.

 

I would look at the psychological work of BF Skinner, (operant conditioning). You are essentially conditioning her to be more assertive. I agree with @Vinny on this one... You are going to have to do some acting. Be good when you are locked up. Be bad (or show that you are unhappy, be pouty) if she removes the device. Stop being bad tells you to put it back on. Be bad if she takes away time in the device (shortens the sentence).

I believe this covers the Skinner box
Positive Reward
Positive Punishment
Negative Reward
Negative Punishment

Is this topping from the bottom.... YES... Do kids do this all the time without even thinking about it? Yes every day. Can you do it to get what you want? YES. Can it backfire? Maybe... It depends on how subtle you are...

Good luck!