I finally admit it, chastity is all about me and what I want and need

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by Living Curious, Jul 27, 2017.

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  1. Living Curious
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    Living Curious Long-term lockee

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    I think virtually every couple has sexual wants and needs that don't perfectly compliment each other. Consider the tropes of men groaning about having to engage in foreplay and women rolling their eyes when 'he wants to do something kinky.' Many couples don't talk about sex or openly communicate their wants and needs at all. In every relationship there are negotiations, compromises, give and take, quid pro quo. Whether these situations are acknowledged as such or not is immaterial, they are always there. Remember the last time you talked to your partner about where to go for dinner or what to do on the weekend?

    Thankfully, my wife and I have had an open and consistent dialogue regarding sex since the first time we got into bed together more than five years ago. We talk about what was good, what could be better, what we want to try or what we fantasize about. Along the way there have been many hard conversations and many painful moments just as there have been many joyful and exuberant conversations.

    Our sex life has certainly evolved, as have we as individuals and as a couple. We've also become much better at identifying our wants and needs and communicating them to each other. This was perhaps the hardest thing to learn but it is essential to be honest with oneself if one ever hopes to be honest with another. The one constant in our sex life has been chastity, or more precisely, my desire and need for orgasm control and denial.

    That's right, chastity is all about me, my penis, and orgasms. It's tremendously difficult to admit, but it's true. In an ideal world my wife would be the exact counterpoint and would want and need to keep me locked and denied.

    This is not the case and I would even hazard a guess that this is also not the case for most people. So then what? Give up on chastity? Well, I can't. It is an essential component of my sexual being.

    And that's ok. There is nothing wrong with having and expressing sexual needs to your partner that they may not necessarily feel as strongly about. My wife and I are deeply in love, totally bonkers for each other. We want to make each other happy to the fullest extent of our capability to do so and this means that we must negotiate and compromise in everything whether it's sexual or not.

    My wife enjoys keeping me locked because she knows it's something she can do to give me the sexual fulfillment and satisfaction that I need. Does that mean she must also need it? Of course not.

    Once I was finally able to identify and fully embrace my own needs and wants as my own, our sex life became more fulfilling for both of us. I was able to tell her explicitly what I wanted. I want her to keep my penis locked in a metal device and I want her to not let me orgasm. That's it. No more wishy-washy 'I want you to do whatever you want,' or 'This is all about you, do what makes you happy' or fears of 'topping from the bottom.'

    She 'gets it' now in a way she never did in years past. She's also felt free to then be more open about her own wants and needs. Before I just blatantly owned chastity as my own, she felt that it was framed in a way that forced her to be and do something that she didn't fully identify with. It forced her to take on a role in order to satisfy my idea of chastity. No matter how much I tried to persuade and explain how it didn't require her to be dominant or anything like that, it's what it felt like to her.

    In our sex life I have always been the top and she has always been the bottom. Those were just the natural roles we fell into together. However, I have always been a submissive top. The trouble was that she felt that engaging in chastity meant that she had to always be the top and that didn't sit right with her truest self so she never fully embraced it.

    When I finally admitted that chastity was all about me and what I needed, then she was free to be the bottom while still giving me what I need. She felt free to be able to hold the key and simultaneously express and communicate her wants and desires as a bottom. She then realized that she could be a dominant bottom when she wanted, she didn't even have to be the top.

    By the way, if you might be thinking that 'topping from the bottom' is a no-no, ask yourself if you are actually the bottom and your partner is the top. If there isn't a negotiated and explicit D/s or Top/bottom arrangement in place that has been agreed to by both parties, whether 24/7 or for a scene, than by definition you cannot 'top from the bottom.' Just because you identify as a bottom doesn't give you the right to ascribe a role to your partner and then place deleterious and contrived limitations on methods and means of communicating with them.

    So now that we both understand that chastity is all about me and it doesn't necessarily light the same fire for her, she doesn't feel restricted about expressing her wants and needs as a bottom. We've started to explore her 'little' side and we are growing together in leaps and bounds. She doesn't have that inner conflict that expressing and embracing being a bottom might cause me harm since it conflicts with my identity as a submissive. We've learned with each other that we can be both.

    The other night we did a scene that included her being in a diaper then being spanked, while I was locked up. It was a non-issue. I filled the role that she needed me to fill even though it doesn't push all the same buttons for me as it does for her. But I want to make her happy and so I gladly did so. Being a little is all about her and what she needs and wants, and that's ok, just like chastity being about me and what I need and want is ok, too.

    We can each bring different elements into those roles as we grow together. And who knows, maybe one day she'll love denial as much as or more than me. One can hope. In the mean time I'll continue being the submissive top and she can enjoy being the bottom she always felt she was.
     
  2. L-u-c-y
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    Staff Member Owner of Chastity Mansion Administrator Verified Female

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    What a brilliant post :) Is that what you call bottoming from the top? :)
     
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  3. Living Curious
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    Living Curious Long-term lockee

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    Haha, I guess so :)
    And thank you!
     
  4. salonslave
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    salonslave I play for a living and work for fun.

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    How perfectly explained! How perfectly understandable! How perfectly real!
    How refreshing!
    How is it that all my sentences begin with How"?
    I don't know ***!
     
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  5. NICCage
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    NICCage Member

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    Great way to look at things!
     
  6. Vinny
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    Vinny Locked up again. Starting year 6.

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    We started out with it being about me, but continued when it became all about her.
     
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  7. Mascara^Snake
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    Mascara^Snake Banned

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    That's a lovely post Mr curious and I hope everyone here can find time to read it :)



     
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  8. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    I agree with the previous responses, this was a very refreshing and well written post. It isn't my experience of chastity but it makes total sense. The fact that you have found your way to a form of chastity that works so well for you is admirable, especially as you have had to navigate the sea of guilt surrounding the prime commandment that thou shalt not top from the bottom.
     
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  9. Mascara^Snake
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    Mascara^Snake Banned

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    Indeed, there are no rules.
    Do what works best
     
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  10. LockedByG
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    LockedByG Member

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    What a great post! Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
     
  11. ChasteCharlie
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    ChasteCharlie Active member

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    What a great post! At an early stage in my chastity relationship with my wife I can certainly see this point of view.
     
  12. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    You certainly look like you both are communicating and receiving a lot of what you need! Since she is comfortable being sub, there is no reason to push her away from what she enjoys.

    I know with mine I had thought we might go down a similar path. Before chastity, she was the spank me, call me your dirty slut kinda gal. I thought we would work something similar out so she could get her needs met as well. As it turns out, she likes the power, likes me locked, knows I am open minded about toys, and certain things she saw on the internet interested her. Domestic service and discipline being a few. So she gave up the sub role, I have smacked her bottom a few times since, but usually met with a "you got to be kidding me" glance. I guess sometimes you can't go home again.

    Nice post, glad to see other couples have had role issues or fears.
     
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  13. guest 2942
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    guest 2942 Long term member

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    Great post. I think you nailed something there. A lot of guys(myself included) get into chastity with all of these fantasies in our heads and then force our wives into this role that she may or may not be enthused about. The pressure can be subtle or not but its there. So I'm glad you were able to work it out.
     
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  14. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    Very well spoken It's not about top or bottom, or bottom or top. It's about what works for you in your relationship to make it stronger. No two relationships are the same what's a perfect fit for one couple may irritate the hell out of another. One mold or one cage doesn't work for everyone. Thanks @Living Curious
     
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  15. Living Curious
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    Living Curious Long-term lockee

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    Thanks for the reply Nic, I appreciate your input. Especially about not going home again since indeed, that is most times the case!

    Just to clarify a minor point, my wife doesn't really embrace the role of submissive. It is possible to be a dominant bottom just as it's possible to be a submissive top, and I think that is kind of where we are. In a scene where she's a little it would certainly make sense that she is the submissive, however, there is a subtext to our interactions. The subtle difference is that she doesn't give up any of her power as most submissives relinquish their power in an agreed way. (What people call power exchange.) She is the one in charge, in control, guiding and directing me, and I merely serve as a Top without having the power normally associated with being a dominant.

    This may all seem like a silly exercise in semantics to some, but the idea of being able to be a dom and bottom simultaneously really resonated with my wife. The differentiation between Top/bottom vs. Dom/sub was explained to her and she took it and ran with it. She was so excited to finally "have permission" to do things her way. It just had never occurred to her that it was even possible despite my myriad efforts at communicating. It was just an epiphany, and like most epiphanies it is easy to look back and say 'how did I not see that sooner?'
     
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  16. Living Curious
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    Living Curious Long-term lockee

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    Also, just to elaborate, sex in general is still all about her and us, not me. For me there is nothing 'required' to satisfy this fetish other than having my penis locked in a metal device and being denied orgasm. That's all about me, not her. I don't need her to be dominant in order to have chastity as part of our sex life. I do want that but it is entirely separate from chastity and one does not require the other. They certainly compliment each other but aren't inseparable.

    The point of all this is that when I admitted to her, and more importantly to myself, that chastity is 'my thing' and all about me, it made her able to make it 'her thing.' As it relates to chastity, her definition of 'her thing' is still a work in progress but she no longer has the apprehensions, fears, and other negative emotions that she used to have creep up on her from time to time.
     
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  17. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    It's nice to see that your developing your perfect arrangement. You can't read a book on Chastity and say " this is how it will be ". Every situation is Unique and Different. Good for you to find what works for you. @Living Curious. It takes time to find perfection nothing happens overnight.
     
  18. gyrator53
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    gyrator53 Member

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    I guess its a reasonable philosophical argument that however apparently altruistic our actions they are always what we want to do even if the motivation is counter-intuitive.

    Also, I guess, most of us start out our sex lives in the pursuit of our own sexual gratification (“getting our end away” in the parlance of the 1960s). However, I'm sure I'm not the only one who was totally overwhelmed by my partner's response (I'm still with my first love some 40+years later) and quite rapidly found that her gratification was far more important to me than my own.

    So here we have a wonderfully contorted motivation - do I like to make my wife cum because I love her and want her to enjoy herself? Or do I do it because it gives me a sense of well-being and boosts my ego? How could I tell the difference?

    And I realise that she likes for me to orgasm (her motives are, of course, her own to know) so is it selfish of me if I don't orgasm?

    Perhaps this is why we never play chastity games for any prolonged period and treat them as an exercise in mutual frustration.
     
  19. danleft1
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    danleft1 Long term member

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    I love reading other peoples epiphanies to situations I'm still trying to work through ... I feel that you have communicated in a very effective way what my KH and I are in the middle of finding. That I'm to be the submissive Top and she the Dominant bottom ... we of course have our own twist on it as everyone will, but it is a great general way if describing the dynamic of the relationship.
     
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