I accidentally swallowed some scrabble letters.....

Discussion in 'Off topic discussions' started by manintyres, Jul 27, 2017.

  1. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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    My next visit to the toilet could spell disaster :)
     
  2. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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    Things have got a bit heated on here lately so let's post some funnies or just have a groan at my silly jokes
     
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  3. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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    My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the pop group The Monkees .

    I thought she was joking ........... Then I saw her face :)
     
  4. sissybitch
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    sissybitch Long term member

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    @manintres Well said it needs lightening up a bit
     
  5. sissybitch
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    sissybitch Long term member

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    And now your a believer , sorry just couldn't resist that one
     
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  6. Vinny
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    Vinny Locked up again. Starting year 6.

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    I would never join a forum who would have someone like me as a member.
     
  7. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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    i went to the barbers and he asked if I wanted my hair cut round the back ...........
    I said I'd prefer it in the chair :)
     
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  8. Steve-0
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    Steve-0 Long term member

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    Good job guys!

    A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods.
    The bear says to the rabbit, " Hey, do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
    Rabbit says, "no."
    So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

    Somehow that joke is funnier spoken aloud...and by Eddie Murphy.
    Well I tried!
     
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  9. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    How to catch a polar bear

    First you cut a big hole in the ice, then you carefully place frozen peas around the edge. When a polar bear bends over to take a pea...kick him in the icehole.

    Ok, it helps when a 5 yr old says it.
     
  10. thundar
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    thundar Member

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    BA-RUM-BUM...............rim shot
     
  11. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha ha Ha Love It
     
  12. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    The Chastity Joke Section, can't wait to hear what cums out of it. I'm a very Serious Purse on so I don't know any jokes.
     
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  13. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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    I've been trying to give up innuendos ....... But it's so hard :)
     
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  14. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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    A man went to a zoo and the only animal in the entire zoo was a dog .............. It's a shitzu :)
     
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  15. SubVerity
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    SubVerity Still the mansion's fairy godmother. ;)

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    How long does it take a cowboy to change a lightbulb?

    A whole YeeHar!
     
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  16. SubVerity
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    SubVerity Still the mansion's fairy godmother. ;)

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    Why are Pirates called Pirates?

    They just Arrrrre.
     
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  17. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    My mom told me there is ALWAYS one weird o on the bus....I could never find him
     
  18. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Thus ends my repertoire of jokes that would not offend the masses:(.

    I'm afraid most make fun of something or other.
     
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  19. SubVerity
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    SubVerity Still the mansion's fairy godmother. ;)

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    C'mon @Nicoftime, out with them!

    Probably worth having a few rules for this thread: No racism, no politics (unless it's friendly) and generally nothing mean. Especially at the moment.
     
  20. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    What did Nicole brown Simpson say to Ron Goldman? You can eat my pussy...but the juice will kill ya
     
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  21. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Wife rushes to the hospital after frantic call that her husband was in an accident.

    On her arrival a doctor sits her down.
    I'm sorry but your husband is paralyzed, will require round the clock attention, feeding, changing, and due to his young age, will be like this for years and years.

    The wife starts to weep, then the doctor said...I'm just messing with ya... he's dead
     
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  22. SubVerity
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    SubVerity Still the mansion's fairy godmother. ;)

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    Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
    Arlene: What in the hell is that?
    Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
    Arlene: Where did you get it?
    Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
    The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
    announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
    'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
     
  23. SubVerity
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    SubVerity Still the mansion's fairy godmother. ;)

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    Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the stainless steel, still deep in conversation, but Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed.

    "I say, ‘tis a remarkable dong you have there," Paddy was prompted to remark.

    “T’wasn't always that way," replied Mick. "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said.
    "I got this done in Dublin. It costs me twenty thousand euro, but as you can see, well worth it."

    Paddy was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and drove to Dublin. It was a good six months later before he ran into Mick once again and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.

    "You were diddled. I got mine for ten thousand euro only" said Paddy.

    Mick could hardly believe it. Same address in Dublin, same doctor.

    Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look.

    Once more they lined up at the stainless steel and when Mick took a peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared and he started laughing.

    "Why are you laughing?"

    "No wonder you got it at half price," Mick laughed. "That's my old one!"
     
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  24. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Lena and ole were sitting at home and ole says "ya know, I sure would like to watch one of them there dirty movie don't ya know" Lena feeling a little frisky agrees.

    After a bit there is a part where the male is going down on his costar. Lena looks at him, shyly says "oohhh ole, do you think you could do something like dat there?" Ole agrees and starts his business.

    He was going to town, and Lena couldn't believe her bad luck, she had to pass gas. She didn't want him to stop so she tried to do it gently. Ole didn't skip a beat. And wouldn't ya know it, it happened two more times.

    Finally she was curious and said "hey ole! How ya doing down dere?" Ole took a break and said "oh good good, just keep dat fresh air coming!"
     
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  25. SubVerity
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    SubVerity Still the mansion's fairy godmother. ;)

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    Ewww - that took me a moment, but that is grotesque! Hahaha
     
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