Subbie is driving me crazy HELP

Wow...dollyanne has empathy for You, Mistress Whip, as well as for Your subbie. PSTD is no fun for those who have it or for those who are around those who have it.

Plus being in the macho motorcycle club may be a big influence in a positive and negative way. Negative in the sense it runs counter to Your (and sometimes his) desires for him to be submissive, and positive maybe in the sense it is a type of bonding he needs to give him self-esteem and affirmation of his value in having shared experiences. It probably reinforces his desire to be a switch?

This is a difficult situation. Dollyanne could only think of a couple of things, and these may be things that You've already tried, or are out of the question, but here they are:

1) Feminization with the chastity--Dollyanne has noticed in herself that feminization can have a calming effect, give her a different point of view, and can lessen anxiety. If You haven't tried this, dollyanne would suggest starting gradually with panties and increasing from there. If is difficult for a male to be macho when dressed en femme! Ultimately, this may result in dropping, or at least reducing the participation in, the motorcycyle group. Especially if a different group could be substituted like a BDSM play group.

2) Hypnosis--This can sometimes be used to help with PSTD as well as anxiety, and reinforce his submissiveness. (And, if feminization is used it, can be incorporated there as well.) Dollyanne has used self-hypnosis successfully in this way and it has helped her attitude.

Others probably have more and better suggestions, but these are just a couple. Dollyanne hopes that things certainly get better for both of you.

Curtsey,:butterfly:
dollyanne

 

Mistress Whip,

First of all... cool avatar!

I'm married to a woman with Asbergers syndrome, which is a mild form of autism which makes social interaction difficult. For us, a D/s relationship just doesn't work. The communication and level of calm emotion required just can't happen. I think you may have to accept that you can't be "Lifestyle", at least right now, until subbie has more time to heal his emotional wounds.

I don't think there's anything wrong with him being in a motorcycle club, per se. Hell, a bunch of us belted-boys love riding our bikes. I think his being in that club might be an outlet for some "guy time", that may bring comfort and bonding from his military experience.

I'm not sure how well you guys are communicating, but I guess I'd suggest turning the question right back to HIM. First, find out of he really WANTS 24/7. If he's occasionally declaring he's a switch, that's a warning flag that perhaps he doesn't want to do lifestyle D/s. Perhaps he just enjoys BDSM play.

If he WILL admit to wanting Lifestyle D/s, in the "big picture", then my next question to him would be "What should I do when you show me your 'ass'?" If HE's creating the problem, see if HE can help with the solution. Perhaps the answer will be "give me some space". Perhaps the answer will be something else. However, the one thing I've learned from being married to someone with emotional difficulties is that I can't "own" all the problems. I can HELP, but I can't SOLVE.

Welcome, and best of luck to you! It's wonderful to see a few more Dommes on the site the last few days! arty0019:

mikecb

 

I second mikecb on the avatar! Wow! Truly I think mike is spot on. Put the ball in his court. I have the same problem with my wife. I really want to submit but there are times when my macho ego takes over and I do or say something dumb. Now with that said we do not nor do we want to practice a 24/7. At least not a true 24/7 I have new rules like I cant kiss her unless I ask, cant touch her unless I ask but in paying the bills, minding the kids etc, I am in charge. It is the struggle I deal with because sometimes by bratty behavior is a me trying to get her to take it up a notch to see what She can really do, which in turn makes her feel like she is failing as a Domme so she does nothing. I then pull away and go back to being the old me and there you have it. Now I cant say I understand the emotional struggle because I am not familiar with the disease. I say the same thing put the ball in his court, OR at least when you have him "secured" add some extra penalties to the mix for his behavior. By the way if he is a macho guy the femming thing like Dollyanne suggested is a definite stop all for me. I have been made to wear hosiery and heels at home and there is nothing erotic to it for me at all. NOTHING (sorry dollyanne just me) However the sheer humiliation makes me very humble very fast. Then the threat of being made to wear it to work under my clothes (or in your case the boys club) well that puts me back in line quick. Luckily all it has ever been is a threat. There are somethings I will push her on, this is not one of them.

All in all it comes down to communication between you two. I will say thank you for sharing this as it really helps some of us understand what we do to our Goddesses/Mistresses/Key Holders when we push to far. I guess it is kind of like a kid, set the rules, reward for good behavior, punish for bad behavior.

 

i think it's so very neat the You care enough to post here, Mistress Whip! i can't offer much in the way of advice but i know You'll figure it all out!

 

Wow i cant get the picture of the subbie on all fours with the boots and whip...........................................................................sorry about that some expansion problems in the trouser dept needed sorting. I agree with the other posts in that you seem to be more than generous in your subbies mood swings and perhaps it is time to lay it on the line and make a final stand. I would certainly think twice before letting someone of your obvious authority slip through my hands if only there were more of you out there for us other minions.
Remember chastity is for life not just for christmas:anim_12:

 

Hello Mistress Whip. Welcome to CM. i'm quite sure that you will find your stay here to be both informative and entertaining.

As for your problem, that certainly is tricky given the permutations you are forced to deal with. i have paused a number of times while trying to put to words how to offer any advice to which i know very little about. Besides the obvious situational details, there are many nuances that you both share which i'm obviously not privy to.

i feel the best way to deal with this situation, is to deal with it head on, and try to keep the solution as simple as possible. Regardless of his PTSD, at the end of the day, it's about what both of you WANT out of this. Have you sat him down and asked him? Have you made him aware of how YOU feel when he does those things that "drive you crazy"? If he's not fully aware of your issues, it goes without saying that he cannot be expected to help with the solution.

Honest dialogue between you both should lead you on the path to determining which direction to go from here. One last thought that popped into my head. It might be a valuable activity for you both to start making a "Needs vs. Wants" list. For instance, i NEED love from my Mistress. i WANT to cum. LOL

Good luck Miss, and please do feel free to share more of your situation, ask more questions, and let us all know how you progress.

Be well,
brianna

 

Brianna, I think you are a smart gurl with a deep appreciation of what a gurl wants, and what a boy needs... to please their Lady!

 

Difficult one this. I don'y know if it would work, but have you considered/suggested role-playing as an 'army officer'; so he obeys orders as he would when he was in service?

Just a thought.

 

Well your sub is going to have to adjust to the situation one way or the other. Either he is submissive or a switch. He sounds confused in general which is hindering him from being completely YOURS. He needs to be put in check. Sounds like he needs a good ass whipping.

 

Hello Miss Kiki. Welcome to CM.

i am wondering if perhaps providing Mistress Whips' sub a "good ass whipping" would do more harm then good. If he has PTSD, i would assume that going the road of physical pressure would only polarize his already conflicted feelings.

IMHO, if i were him, and received such physical play, i would likely enjoy the moment, but deep down be further from addressing the real issue.

Hope this finds you well,
brianna

 

Perhaps he needs a therapist to sort out issues before serving.

 

Anyone know of a Domme therapist that can help? i'm sure that would be the most ideal opporunity. hehehe

Seriously though, that begs the question. Miss Whips, is your submissive in therapy with a professional? i was half joking about finding a Domme therapist, but in all honesty, it might be a good avenue to look into.

brianna

 

ok,
i suffer from PTSD.
it echos my problem all over.....theres only one way of dealing with this im afraid..... and that is to give him complete space..... tell him he needs to make his mind up what he wants as you do not want to switch....

if as i imagine her will, says he is submissive. Then his own space will be needed where he can retire to. but only with your permission. some more pressure such as more chores might be a good idea... stop his mind wandering as mine does.

the above is purley based on my own experience. unfortunately i cant say he is exactly like me. were all individuals.

Buttercup.

 

Thank you for your input Buttercup. i'm curious, would a more strict regimen of duties and chores along with other "routine" stuff help? i mean, would it allow structure as he was used to in the military, but without the stress?

i'd be curious to know if you had thoughts on that. My guess is that it would be helpful, but i know almost nothing about PTSD other than the general concept, so i may be way off base here.

Thanks again,
brianna

 

unfortunately i cant speak for him, i can only give my own perspective, but for me yes it would help.
but,
if i feel pressured, stressed and aggrivted. it may cause me to want to seclude. need to escape.
If its ignored it can bring on a number of things depending on how bad the PTSD is, flashbacks, migrains, nightmares and therefore severe lack of sleep etc may start.
thats when myself i need a "mother" side to my mistress, not in a adult baby way but the caring nurturing side to help me through the rough patch.

Its took me a long time to get to where i am now, he might still be literally in denial about it trying to ignore it and basically letting it destuct him. id say professional help is best, but then id be being a hypocrite as i tried that once and found it demeaning and never returned again. ive got to where i am on my own.
Still to this day the british army doesnt recognise PTSD as a illness!! the reason? think of all the compensation and/or treatment they would have to pay. sickening!!

Buttercup

 

Mistress Whip, I've never had to deal with PTSD so I can't give you any advise there. I CAN address the motorcycle club thing though, as I am in a club, a club of cops and retired cops no less! (Guess the cats out of the bag on what profession I retired from!):evilgrin0010: Being in the club has not caused me problems because my wife wants a husband and not a slave while we are in public. She still expects me to show her the respect she deserves by doing such things as getting the door for her and helping her with her chair etc. These acts confirm my submission to her while in public to those who know about our relationship, but to those who don't it just appears that I'm chivalrous or old school in my manners toward my wife. If anyone says anything I just tell them that's the way I was brought up. I also never argue with her in public, and she tries not to put me in a spot where there might be need for argument. I also know that if I don't treat her with respect in public I will pay for it in private. I guess what it boils down to is that in public I give her the respect she deserves for her superior position but she doesn't require that I put my submissiveness on display in the process, and in the long run I come off looking like I'm just old fashioned in how I treat my wife. This approach has worked for use through the years of our D/s relationship, and my Harley riding buds are none the wiser.:innocent0009:

 

how are things now ??? has the subbie changed or is he still driving you crazy?