Not allowed to ask for sex

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by WWSUB, Mar 21, 2023.

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  1. WWSUB
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    WWSUB Long term member

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    I know this is by no means a new concept here at CM but it’s kinda new for me. Last night I was with my wife, we were sitting in bed watching TV. Per usual she receives a nightly back, neck and head massage from me before bed. Sometimes when I’m running my fingertips over her body and being more sensual I’ll brush her breasts and nipples to get a reaction from her to see if she wants me to touch her more in that way and take things further. 9 outta 10 times, maybe less does she accept my advances and let me play with her which usually ends up with me playing with her clit until she cums. Maybe she’ll unlock me maybe she won’t. Last few times we spontaneously played she didn’t unlock me, that’s definitely different from her past behavior and I’m assuming this is a new pattern.

    I’ve always felt awkward about asking/prompting for sex. When we were younger, for whatever reason it seemed so much easier, if we were horny we’d would just have sex. It seemed like we were both always ready to go. Since chastity I’ve felt much more awkward about making advances on her and even more so after 8 years of it, I’m literally intimidated by her sexually now. It’s a very strange and exhilarating emotion to be at this point in our relationship. It’s also another one of those milestones where I’m like holy shit I can’t believe how much our relationship has changed since the start. Two things that have felt different about just this year alone is that I feel like I actually really understand what it means to fully submit to your partner. I’m having stronger and stronger emotions/happiness the more I give in and let go. It’s not like I have any real control in our dynamic and that’s what I’ve failed to understand for so long.

    So last night when I was massaging my wife’s back, it had been over a week since she let me out to play and I was hoping for a little fun. After a few of my obvious moves my wife knew what I was up to and quickly shut me down. Very coyly yet seriously she let me know that I am not allowed to ask her for sex, and that this was what I’d asked her for. This is something she has said to me in the past but it was usually referring to that particular evening that I was trying to make advances. In this instance it was a blanket order of “you do not ask me for sex ever, I’m in charge”. Of course I instantly got hard when she laid down the law, hell I’m getting hard thinking about her saying that to me right now.

    What’s funny is that I actually felt a sense of relief from her officially putting that rule in place. It’s nice not having to worry about sex or like I’m missing opportunities, she’ll just come and take it when she wants it. Overall I wish she’d make more advances on me and use my oral and finger skills more often than she allows in between her letting me out. But that’s all part of her game, she’s not about letting me indulge in pleasuring her on a regular basis. She’ll masturbate and then she makes me wait til I’m so very frustrated. She makes me so hungry for her and I think that’s what she loves the most, getting that reaction from me. God how I wish she would make me her pussy eating bitch, one can still hope. Chastity has not been what I thought it would be like at all, I’m also surprised at some of the things that I now find arousing that wasn’t the case in the past. Crazy how much we change and adapt as submissives.

    Just curious what others situations are like in regards to asking for sex…. Doesn’t she just keep you chaste from yourself, or chaste from both yourself and her until she’s ready?
     
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  2. CuriousAndy
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    CuriousAndy Long term member

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    My Wife/Mistress likes to deny me from pleasuring her, she likes to remind me that not being allowed to go down on her is the ultimate denial. She loves being pursued and loves saying no.

    At the moment I'm not allowed to cum, it's been about five weeks, she's going to decide on the 9th of April if she'll allow me or if she'll pick another review date. So there is no asking for sex.

    I do feel some relief from going down on her and her orgasms, vicarious pleasure, she knows and likes making me earn the privilege. Usually I'm allowed to beg to go down on her. However, I'm getting very needy, begging to go down on her a lot and getting a bit annoying. So she's started banning me from begging. Not a blanket ban because sometimes she likes me to beg, but at the moment each day I'm being told if I'm allowed to beg to go down on her. Today I'm not allowed to beg :(
     
  3. mcfeely
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    mcfeely Long term member

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    Don't beg. Just take charge. If not mentally divorce yourself from sex, assume it won't happen and just do your own thing. Women hate to be ignored and I'm sure you have better things to do then set yourself up to be rejected. Life is too short for that crap.
     
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  4. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Chastity Superman.

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    There’s a very delicate balance to maintain here. On one side, you want to be respectful and follow her orders.
    On the other, you want her to feel desired. To give her motive to cooperate in your denial. To make her feel wanted. You don’t want to feel negatively towards expressing your sexual energy. How do you go about that when you can’t express interest in the action she is actively denying?

    I honestly believe that if you were to follow this order explicitly that she would regret making it. I would break it, but be thankful when she reminds you of it. Show her you appreciate her actively saying ‘no’.

    Similarly to @CuriousAndy I feel a real sense of denial when I am not allowed to pleasure my wife. This however, is not an active denial in our relationship. I am learning far more these days that my wife’s sex drive is not at all what I thought it was, but this makes it all the more relevant when I can share that experience with her.
    She does actively enjoy denying the full experience when it takes place. To know I’m caged and cannot pleasure myself, to have intercourse without me receiving any reciprocal feeling. She has her ways.

    I think all our situations are similar. We are the denied. It’s the actions of our keyholders that make each scenario unique. In my case I can ask all I want, I can beg, plead, insinuate, instigate… she will maintain her resolve. It’s taken time to get to this level of comfort, but now we have, well fuck did chastity get real!?!
     
  5. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    THAT, should be on the masthead of this site. It certainly qualifies as an understatement.

    I do not ask for sex. I have begged on occasion much to her amusement. And although amused, I was strongly reminded with her paddle to not make it a habit.

    She does tease the daylights out of me. She likes me to be frustrated and desperate for her.

    It sounds like you and your wife are very intimate. You give her nightly massages and she must be appreciative. I too have learned to do the that she really enjoys. How many of us didn’t have even that much before starting on this odd trip?

    The question always is; are you both happier?
     
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  6. Queens servant73
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    Queens servant73 Long term member

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    This is year 4 of chastity for us, 2nd year of my Wife really being strict and dominant about it. I’m allowed to ask for anything that gives her pleasure that doesn’t involve my penis. Most nights I’m giving her oral sex for her to cum. We discussed as it got really serious that me asking for piv didn’t seem appropriate if I’m submissive now. She tells me when piv is going to happen and what position, and I know the only time I’ll be getting an orgasm from piv is my bday or our anniversary. She “may” allow it on a very rare occasion otherwise but I’ll never count on it.

    I can ask for cock teasing / stroking, or pegging, but the decision whether it happens is all up to her still.
    I basically ran our sex lives for 28 years and now we’ve swapped roles, and we’re both enjoying the absolute hell out of it, wish we had tried it years ago!
     
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  7. WWSUB
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    WWSUB Long term member

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    Our wives sound so very similar, my wife loves putting me through ultimate denial. Going down on her is an earned treat as well, it drives me insane. I’ve literally studied eating pussy to be the best I can be at it and she tells me how good it is and then will still deny me because she knows I want to so bad. This wasn’t exactly how I was expecting the lifestyle to pan out :).

    Me not being able to ask for sex is pretty much a blanket ban from what I understood. This even includes things that are solely for her pleasure. However she also likes being perused and telling me no. Realistically I don’t think the amount of times we will be intimate with each other one way or another will be any less, She’s just making it clear that I have zero input. Although I’m getting the impression she’s going to be more restrictive about my releases the way the last 6 weeks have gone. Definite a different vibe and rhythm these last couple of months. This is the most submissive I’ve ever felt to her and the most control I’ve ever seen her exhibit.
     
  8. WWSUB
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    WWSUB Long term member

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    I certainly get what you mean in divorcing myself from sex and focusing on other things. In the end that’s really the best thing to do. More than likely our sexual frequency won’t really change in regards to what she allows or doesn’t allow me to do. She’s just making it clear that I don’t have any input on when we’re gonna have any kind of sex. I don’t want to ignore her, she’ll win that game anyway lol. But I will shift my focus to something else. Sex and masturbating has always been a stress outlet for me and now both have been limited substantially. I find that I turn to vices like smoking or other bad habits and do those things more frequently when I stress. I’d prefer sexual intimacy to be that outlet but that’s not how my wife sees it. I’m getting my butt to the gym starting Monday, my plan is to focus on working out and bettering myself. Making myself as irresistible as possible to her, she might change her tune when more women are looking my way haha.
     
  9. WWSUB
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    WWSUB Long term member

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    I certainly agree with you about finding the right balance. Egg been though she says I’m not supposed to I know she expects me to still ask in various ways and I know she still wants me to ask because it’s fun for her to feel desired as well as see my desperation and I’m sure there are other reasons. She loves how grabby I get with her after I’ve been locked for a while, so I know she doesn’t want me to completely stop doing those things. Ultimately I think she was just flexing her power with me and playing with my head once my intentions were obvious. I’m really just trying to go with her wants and play by her rules, my wife seems to have struck a more serious tone with being my domme and embraced her role more than ever lately. A big part of that is also more serious commitment from me, the more serious I am the more serious she becomes. It’s just like you said, I’m also having one of those “chastity just got real moments”.
     
  10. WWSUB
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    WWSUB Long term member

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    I would certainly say we’re both happier, our overall relationship is better than ever and I feel closer to her than ever before. I think I’m just always gonna be one of those guys who wishes that there was a little more of this or a little more that but in the end realizes he’s got it pretty damn good. Once a long time ago when I was being a bitchy sub and complaining to my wife about something she was or wasn’t doing (lifestyle related), she uttered a simple phrase to me. “Trust me”, So I did, I trusted her and she makes shit fun. It’s an ongoing learning experience for us both. It took me a while to be able to get over what I wanted and follow her lead.
     
  11. Miss Bella
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    Miss Bella The Head Balls Coach

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    While I sort of obviously am inclined to approach things at least slightly differently than most — I have been with my wife for a large portion of my adult life— either married or dating for 15 going on 16 years (next month) and after thinking about it, I’ve never ,not once, asked for sex.

    “what? I don’t believe you!”

    first of all, if you asked my wife she would probably tell you that it’s both true and that the fact I relish driving her nuts until she jumps my bones is how I like it. In fact asking a woman for sex is a turn off. What?
    You read the words, that’s not a mistype— now let me explain my perspective .

    I would rather tell her that I’m wanting to make her see the secrets of the cosmos in the explosions caused by my tongue buried firmly in her crotch. I have always considered eating pussy my #1 priority because having her SCREAM pleasure as a measure of ‘warming up the car on a frigidly cold morning’….and if I’ve done my job adequately I’m going to be begged to ‘ride her to our destination’… now THAT is sexy to me and makes it both very intense and special for her, where she is naturally the priority and it’s been that way for a long long long time for me, even before we met.

    Her having at least 1-2 orgasms the only acceptable bare minimum for play and that’s why I’ve had to honestly adjust some of my perspective from having read many threads on this site, as well as listening reading and talking to submissives that crave for me to tickle their mind and make them strain so ever hard in their cage.

    it’s a simple case of mind over matter at first blush but also just boils down to the fact that I think my ego would take an ENORMOUS hit if I were to ever ask for sex.

    In fact , I feel the idea of it to be humiliating to a degree ? If getting pussy hinges on a question she can easily say no to if I read it incorrectly— well that doesn’t sound sexy or fun. That sounds like I didn’t ‘set the scene’ properly to make her body NEED me. That’s what turns me on— not strictly the act of penetrating her although that is certainly also romantic and amazing and wonderful and it’s my most favorite place to be in this world , bar none.


    Simply put, my goal and my approach is that me eating her pussy so thoroughly that she is grabbing my hair and pulling me up to kiss her because she now craves ME , not my tongue inside of her — is what I want to achieve. If it doesn’t happen (and sometimes it hasn’t or doesn’t) well, then I clearly didn’t do what I needed to do to gain entry. I’m not making getting laid harder for myself as much as I am raising the bar on the parameters I find appealing about having sex with her, or any woman in my past for that matter.

    Why? Many reasons

    1. The idea of her saying ‘fine , hurry up and make it quick’ in that she would be ‘humoring me’ I 10000% would rather just not do anything or jerk off alone roll over and go to sleep. I don’t want to do something with her that she’s not lusting after . I feel intrinsically that me forcing my enormous sex drive on her is in imposition if I were to ever ask when horny. She knows that I’ll never refuse her and she doesn’t ‘ask’ either, so we just start making out and things spiral from there. Honestly if I had to ask for sex, I just wouldn’t at all be interested.


    Don’t get me wrong , there’s nothing quite so special as the vagina of the person whom you love the most —- but it ain’t everything. It’s great but it feels like every other vagina — just means more because of who it belongs to lol


    2. Our first kiss , on our 3rd date… consisted of flirting when dropping her off after a magical night , and as I said something , mid-sentence she said “ugggh c’mere” and drew me in for a kiss. As I was still living as a boy at this time, I considered my own behavior ‘being a gentleman’ but the truth is likely that I was being such a tease that although she is naturally shy and reserved, she couldn’t stand the thought of not kissing me— and so she did.

    If you know anything about my past proclivities into experiencing respectable quantities of wonderful women — my viewpoint is this: If she wants it , she should show me how badly she does. I may and do want her but it’s only polite and respectful to allow our bodies to ‘do the talking.’

    3.I also have an overactive sexual imagination so I never considered it a big step down to give myself a grippie to a fantasy that I would feel wholly awkward making a reality for anyone but myself in my own mind. Usually the only shame attached to anything like that is what you assign to yourself,

    and I — quite honestly — ain’t got no shame in my game.

    and I’m speaking to ya’ll when I say — ladies first, gentlemen. If you approach it that way, nice guys also cum last but that’s the way it should be if you don’t want to be a selfish , inconsiderate lover and partner.

    wow , rambled my way along on this one and now I’m realizing I’m not sure if I even answered the original QUESTION …. Haha whoops

    hope you enjoyed the insight though! :p
     
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  12. littleguy3
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    littleguy3 Adoring husband

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    Every few weeks, I tell my wife how desirable she is, that she drives me wild, that I'm very aroused by her, and that I want her desperately. That doesn't mean I'm asking for sex. I'm just stating my frame of mind. She and I both know we won't be having sex and that this is not a request for sex. But it does make her feel wanted and it does foster emotional intimancy that often leads to physical intimacy.
     
  13. Miss Bella
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    Miss Bella The Head Balls Coach

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    I hate double posting but had a few more thoughts after re-reading what I posted — and since I can’t just edit the post , you’re stuck with me being subtly annoying.


    Less directed at WW….more at the premise: know that you have to Macguyver (macgruber?) your way into a ladies panties… you don’t just drive up to the gate and force your way through unless you’re a sleazy dude with no game. Being a sleazy dude with weak game can work but so can spamming 100000 ladies on the internet with the same low effort 3 sentence pick up line…. By the law of probability , it’s bound to work sometime but it’s not at all any less pathetic.

    “Miss Bella, why does it have to be a game? It’s my wife!”

    well , it is only because male and female brains are so vastly different when it comes to sex drive, attraction and horniness…. Compounded with how visual a male brain is vs her looking past the dorky, dopey mildly r-worded shit that her partner bombards her with on a daily basis.

    women love us cock owners because we care about and love them, among many other reasons, not because your beer belly was looking slimmer than usual and you actually took the time to attempt some form of self-care. Certainly helps I’m sure , but while visual stimulation is often all a cock needs— that lady flower is delicate, soft, gentle and needs to be cared for , nurtured or handled specifically according to what type it is ….and once you demonstrate the ability to not be solely a walking talking cock and balls — you’ll see the gate to her lady fortress start to creak ever so slightly open with each progressive step forward .

    approach every interaction like you aren’t gonna get laid— and SHOW HER how much it turns you on with your tongue, with your attentiveness, with your drive to be whatever she needs you to be. Get motivated to have that be you asking for it — because it is …. In a much more mutually beneficial way.

    Most respectable women that aren’t brutally cold and heartless will absolutely sense and pick up on this and you’ll find that like I stated above in my previous post — you’ll discover or recognize that having sex isn’t about your cock or her pussy strictly— it’s about the give and take , the ins and the outs and the push and the pull of getting in sync with one another in mind , body , heart and soul.

    “sometimes I just wanna fuck! Pound it out, ya know? ! “

    hell yeah , let’s clink our cages together in comraderie but also she’ll let you know when she’s needing that particular variety. Your cock is just one tool in the shed, not the garden that needs attending to.

    the act itself is or should be the physical manifestation of that synchronicity in the ultimate expression of the ethereal feeling of love, admiration and affection.

    So stop being :

    me tarzan, her jane

    Although theres absolutely a time and place for that too. I don’t know , y’all figure that shit out . lol I’m no Dr Ruth but maybe I should be .


    TL;dr: let the cave man DNA settle to the bottom, respect her and yourself enough to be better than you are now and never stop trying to improve .

    And while I’m no true certified expert , I do happen to see both sides and I will stand corrected if I’ve misspoken with anything I’ve said here.

    sure some of it is oversimplified but y’all really don’t want me to just never stop talking and typing . Right?

    glad we agree , my chaste baby birds, Momma Miss Bella is always happy to feed and nourish that changing perspective of yours. …. Lol
     
  14. WWSUB
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    WWSUB Long term member

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    Just to clarify, when I say “asking for sex” I’m not necessarily referring to verbally asking. I’m referring to all the various non-verbal ways to either seduce or arouse my wife. I have never just blatantly asked her for sex. In my case I realize she really wasn’t saying I’m not allowed to try to initiate it but I’m not allowed to show any kind of pushiness. Most nights my wife sits in front of me naked in our bed so I can rub on her. It’s hard not to get a little to flirty and start rubbing her more sensually while trying to move to her more erogenous areas to help put her in the mood. Not to mention she can feel my cage throbbing against her back which she enjoys. I’ve come to really enjoy for a long time now giving her the nightly massages, more often than not it’s our most common form of intimacy. I desperately crave to give her other forms of intimacy, I really wish she’d like me to play with her more in between my releases but for whatever reason we can never find any consistency with doing that. Work, kids, crazy schedule, family events etc…always take precedent so by the time we’re alone for roughly an hour and a half in the evening before bed she’s not feeling very sexual and is tired and needing to be relaxed. That best form for her is me massaging her non sexually but sensually. For whatever reason that’s her preference. It makes me self conscious about my abilities but she swears up and down that I make her O so hard when she lets me. It’s just what she prefers. Perhaps it’s all part of the mind fuck, day to day life and convenience.
     
  15. Chaste Bear
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    Chaste Bear Long term member

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    I'm in a MM chastity relationship and feel comfortable asking for sex as it'll be me bottoming so it's not like i'm begging to be unlocked or cum.
     
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  16. true42
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    true42 Owned member

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    The truth is that there just isn't much left in the tank at the end of the day. A mom feels drained by her kids, long before she gets to the point of stopping to think about the needs of her husband. And most women get to that point long before they get to the point of thinking about their own needs. You're probably not last in the pecking order, but you're pretty close to last.

    So your reward for not pestering her is to be allowed to help her relax and recover a tiny bit of her sanity. Well done!

    That's usually my reward as well. Unfortunately, I upset my wife last night, so I didn't even get that reward, and instead got the cold shoulder.

    I'm trying to help my wife feel more comfortable putting her needs before mine, and she will do so now from time to time, and it does warm my heart. But she never puts her own self-care ahead of our kids' needs and wants, and that unfortunately wears her down badly. However, it's my job to support her and her decisions, so if she wants to prioritize our kids over herself, then I will respect and support her choice.
     
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  17. CuriousRK
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    CuriousRK Active member

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    Wow this is a great thread. I feel a lot more like my wife and I might be closer to “normal” now. I have been realizing for a while now, what a dolt I am with my wife.

    Expecting intimacy for my needs and not worrying about hers enough and being too stubborn or risk adverse to trying, for fear of rejection. She love massages. Why don’t I do it??? Idiot.

    Now with a cage firmly in place I can turn rejection into a bit of a turn on. A no means “stay caged and anticipate the next time” instead of a no being a “I’m not interested in you or don’t want you”.

    thanks all who contributed so far.
     
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  18. Miss Bella
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    Miss Bella The Head Balls Coach

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    And I think you highlighted at a base level why even if one’s particular preferences don’t go in the M4M direction, it’s clearly obvious that asking for sex between two male brains isn’t the enigma wrapped in a riddle that trying to decode and decipher each individual genetic girl’s davinci code can sometimes be ….

    And in my opinion yours is far easier to achieve what you crave and what you want without it being a burden to a top. Enjoy that because there are loads of horny locked dudes who don’t have much hope or if they do they sure have to work hard to play hard heh

    Not that there aren’t challenges with every relationship — just different nuance with different pairs of parts—…..but in my interactions with male subs…. I don’t ever at all feel like talking or suggesting sex is an imposition
     
  19. Miss Bella
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    Miss Bella The Head Balls Coach

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    And honestly sounds like your heart and cock are nearing equilibrium, that’s a good sign.


    Don’t mind me lol , just over here being a total doofus taking things hyper-literally!!

    hope you enjoyed my ramble nonetheless
     
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  20. Susanstoy91
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    Susanstoy91 Long term member

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    Local Time:
    11:20 AM
    My Wife (KH) is in full control of our sex lives. I get what ever she wants, if and when she wants any.
    I do get to give her body, bum, neck and foot rubs when ever I'd like to do it. I ask if she would like a rub and she will either say yes or no. If given the chance to touch her, she controls what I get to touch. If I try to touch her breasts or nipples, and she is not in the mood, she will tell me. If I try to give her oral or touch her pussy and she is not in the mood for me to touch her, she will tell me. After telling me "no", most times, just to tease me, she will have me lay right beside her and watch her masturbate to orgasm. I get to keep her fingers wet and lick them clean after she is done.
    We have been together for 34 years, and I never was denied anything. That changed 4 years ago when we discovered MC. We started out slow, but after 2 years things changed. My Wife (KH) took full control. She decides what I need and when I need it. I'm about 2 months away from a year of being orgasm free. My Wife (KH) has as many orgasms as she wants. I'm 62 and she is 73. Our sex life is as exciting as it was when we were younger, but in a different way. My Wife and I both say we wish we would have found MC a lot sooner...
     
  21. cumslave_2002
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    cumslave_2002 Ms. Shauna's Hubby

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    You two are awesome. My life with my Goddess wife has been her Total control of my sexuality for years now. I wouldn’t want it any other way now. It’s hard giving up orgasms, but the pleasure she gets from my denial is so worth it.
    Keep it up buddy.
     
  22. WWSUB
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    WWSUB Long term member

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    No worries, I’m sure a lot of context is lost for a lot of people trying to express true meanings and emotions on a forum like this. It’s just like texting lol, we all get those messages where we’re like “what the bell did that mean” haha.
     
  23. WWSUB
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    WWSUB Long term member

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    Sounds pretty similar to us, I like how she has you wet her fingers, that’s pretty hot.
     
    Susanstoy91 likes this.
  24. WWSUB
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    WWSUB Long term member

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    Yup, the kids always come first and it’s only right. Our lives have felt like we’re on a rollercoaster since our first child was born 9 years ago with the job changes, and graduates school, and then another baby etc… We have a baby who is 15 months, he’s being weened off of breast feeding now but the breast feeding was a new experience for my wife. With our first child he wouldn't breast feed so we just used formula. This made sharing all baby duties so much easier. With baby number two, he is much more needy of her and my wife hasn’t ever been able to pump her own milk. So it’s always straight from the teet and obviously demands a lot of her time. Thankfully, not nearly as much now as the first 12 months.

    Just like you said, by the end of the night her tank is empty and furthermore she’s had a baby poking and prodding her and crashing toys into her all day long. She’s openly admitted that sometimes when she has her free time she just doesn’t want to be touched in any way, and enjoy just being able to sit without someone needing something from her.

    It’s very common with new babies for the fathers to struggle with the loss of a certain level of intimacy in their relationships. Might be how I ended up in chastity shortly after our first child was born lol. Things will change again, the greatest part of all of these experiences is that I feel so much closer to my wife on so many different levels because of everything we’ve gone through together.
     
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  25. true42
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    true42 Owned member

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    Sounds very familiar. My wife was the same. When the kids were still in the nursing phase, and even for some time after that, she'd say she was "all touched out". There was zero left for me. And even less for her. It's a rough patch, and I didn't handle it well. Male chastity would have really helped back then.

    That's a beautiful way to put it. Good on you!
     
    WWSUB and CuriousRK like this.
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