Embarrassed

Discussion in 'Novices and newbies' started by Bexxy.W, Mar 19, 2023.

  1. Bexxy.W
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    Not sure if anyone can help me here or if this is literally just to rant but I'm fairly new to being a KH. My husband and I have been doing chastity on and off for a little while now. This time around I thought I've really dived in to being his Dom, hence why I've started an account on here for help and a little bit of community. Anyways, today I was at work and I thought "I'm gonna punish him tonight" just due to the fact he's been a little moody every now and then and I thought this might excite him and lift his mood a little.

    This however did not go as planned...

    We got in from work and just as he stepped through the door I told him to take his trousers off and I will spank him. I should have known straight away this wasn't going to work. As he questioned me straight away and said it was cold and he'd just got in the house, but I put on my best evil smirk and told him I didn't care and that I wanted to punish him. I gave him 10 spanks then and there and made him count each one. He asked if I was finished and seemed kinda annoyed so I said yes and was immediately embarrassed as it wasn't the experience I was expecting. Now we aren't talking and I don't really know how what to do from here...he likes being teased and denied and humiliated so I thought all of that would have made him happy but it just didn't...what did I do wrong?

    Sorry for the long rant and horrible grammar :oops:
     
  2. cshorts
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    cshorts Locked in love for SL

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    You didn't do anything wrong! It just wasn't the right time and place for him. Context is crucial:sometimes we hate being tickled, sometimes it turns us on -- depends on mood, what else is going on in the day, etc. just talk to him about it, and try again sometime when it seems like there's some desire in play, some horniness. We can't always know how a partner is feeling, or what they're up for -- we don't always know that about ourselves! Just communicate, and let him know you were offering a gift of love, shame it didn't work out, but maybe next time.
     
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  3. asastype
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    asastype Service sub to Mistress AMA

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    Agree that You didn't do anything wrong. Unless he has established a time boundary around when he was willing to play, it's fair to assume that 24x7 means 24x7.

    He needs to decide if he's in this for some sexy times (bottoming in a scene) or as a submissive in a full-time ppwer exchange. If you two are not on the same page with this, issues like this will continue to arise.

    Best of luck!

    asa
     
  4. nonamesissy
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    nonamesissy Active member

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    feel confident that You did that for Yourself, Ms. Be... keep that feeling as You go forward, feel confident that he appreciates what You do
     
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  5. CuriousAndy
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    CuriousAndy Long term member

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    Difficult one, everyone reacts differently. Personally I find the longer we practice femdom and FLR the more submissive I feel. Maybe more of a lead up to get into the right headspace.

    One thing my Wife does is she tells me I'm going to be punished, this can be a day or two before it happens, the anticipation adds to the experience. Afterwards we always cuddle.

    Best thing to do is discuss with your partner, then once you're on the same page... make him appoligise for his behaviour ;)
     
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  6. emily chelsea
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    emily chelsea Member

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    may be have a chat and be open and honest on what you both want just playing or a full FLR
    fantasy and reality two different things
    take care and hope you sort it out
     
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  7. tecolote
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    tecolote Long term member

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    You didn't do anything wrong. For him, it wasn't the right moment.

    That said, he apparently gets off on the power exchange. He needs to understand that you are the one who picks the moments if he really wants the dynamic that he thinks he wants.

    I think he owes you an apology, and you owe him a real punishment, not just a "funishment" meant to "excite him and lift his mood a little".

    What did he do wrong? He gave you attitude instead of respect. Make him write some lines, kneel in some rice, or stand in the corner for a while to make sure he knows that this isn't just something where he gets to pick the time when he feels a little frisky. Make sure his real punishment isn't something that he might actually enjoy.

    With all that said, you certainly shouldn't push a spanking scene on really bad days, especially when you are both just getting started. There is a line, and you both need to figure out where the line is. But this just sounds like a bad day at work, and he should be up for play if you want to play, even if he doesn't feel like it.
     
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  8. Bexxy.W
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    Thanks you guys for all this amazing advise we have spoken about it a little, there is some tension still there. I have asked about times or how badly he wants to be dominated but my husband is very stubborn and when he doesn't want to talk I can't force him to haha. Hopefully in the future we can have a deep conversation about what he wants fully and we can work on it. As I say I am new to the dominant side of things and I'm learning and exploring, I know mistakes will be made but they are vital to make our relationship the way we want it.
     
  9. Bexxy.W
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    Yeah I did message him earlier that day to let him know but he didn't see it, so I think that's where it went wrong. But we will be having a deeper conversation about this hopefully tonight :pray:
     
  10. Jail Bird
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    Jail Bird Long term member

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    Mistress, you did not do anything wrong.

    IMHO, I think he was a little too much say in what you as his Mistress wants. In time, he'll learn when he walks through the door and tell him to strip, he's getting a spanking., he'll drop his pants and go where you tell him for his punishment.

    The more time he spends in his belt, the better for your relationship. In time, staying caged, your husband will learn to do as you say quickly!

    No one here started out with the perfect FLR/WLM It takes time, talk etc.

    You, as his Mistress, need to set down some hard fast rules of his behavior. Like his cage stays on till you remove it, sitting to pee 100% of the time, chores, back talking, etc. When you were at work and decided he needed to be punished, that is your right now.

    Good luck Mistress!
     
  11. SlaveBoy73
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    actually you did it right.

    his attitude was wrong.


    But now you can ask him if he would like to talk about his sour disposition.
    Is he locked?
     
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  12. Bexxy.W
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    I agree he does have too much say, but that's only because he is teaching me the ways of what he wants (as i have no idea what im doing) , I do choose when he is caged and that can range from anywhere to 2 to 4 weeks. It all takes patience which I know from both sides. This is why it's been on and off because we keep thinking if we take a break we can come back to it when we know a little more. He always tells me I'm too nice to him but I'm trying to be meaner to him, like last night but then I picked the wrong time and he didn't appreciate it and my nice side came out and I apologised. I know it's on both sides we just need to figure it out :)
     
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  13. Bexxy.W
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    I have tried to ask him how he feels and he just said he doesn't know if it's right for us, which I know he doesn't mean I feel like my attempt has disheartened him in what his fantasy was and I cannot satisfy him. No he isn't locked right now cause I took a huff with him and was being spiteful (not a good way to react I know)
     
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  14. SlaveBoy73
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    SlaveBoy73 Long term member

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    He is topping from the bottom.

    You need to break him of that habit.

    after ten strokes, order him to thank you. If he doesn’t, then say, “ I obviously didn’t do it well enough…ten more “ and if he starts to balk, start counting them out.
    He will re-evaluate his attitude.

    remember to include a sexual component to engage his kink brain. Talk in a sexy voice and pretend to feel sorry for him but then become strict.
    It will drive him wild I promise.

    he’s being a baby because he too isn’t used to your dominance and his ego is trying to object
     
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  15. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    Miss, his behaviour and your reaction go to the core question of what you're both trying to do. Is it chastity play? Or is it a power exchange game? Or does he (and you) want you to lead an FLR? If you're in charge his behaviour is way out of line and he deserves punishment and needs to apologize. If it's play or a game you both need to figure out the dimensions of the field and the rules of the game.
     
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  16. Caged for life
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    Caged for life Long term member

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    Did he do anything to deserve being spanked? If not I understand his feelings
     
  17. Bexxy.W
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    He had an attitude the night before and in the morning
     
  18. DonnaSue
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    Mistress, you did nothing wrong, IMHO. It would appear from a distance that he has been "training you" to become more dominant and is not enjoying the idea that his training has worked and you are becoming more thoughtful and independent in your control.

    If I were you, I would continue to exert your influence and control, interjecting more sexual activities into the mix to keep his attention. If he revolts, just tell him that he needs to "be careful what you asked for!" He is, after all, getting exactly what he wants, but is losing the control and the ability to top from the bottom.
     
  19. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    @Bexxy.W please Miss. i hope he behave and that he dose what You tell him.
     
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  20. King Hippo
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    King Hippo Long term member

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    @Bexxy.W : Communication, Honesty, Expectations, and boundaries are all things to look at here.
     
  21. SubSnuggler
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    SubSnuggler Owned by Mistress2and4you

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    I feel sorry for him because he has a Wife that is trying to lead and dominate, as he apparently asked her to do, and he's trying to do it on his terms.

    Sadly, that won't work for either of you. Domination is how the Dom wants it, as long as the sub's pre-defined limits are not broken. Submission isn't how the submissive wants it, it's how your DOM wants it. Submission is a key part of both domination scenes and of persisting spouse-led relationships. There is leader, and there is a follower. The follower has a voice, but does not lead.

    This was a lesson it took me a while to learn. Hopefully, if he is indeed really wanting to submit to you, he will figure this out quicker than I did.
     
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  22. tomf_22033
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    tomf_22033 Long term member

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    I'm so sorry to read this.

    You have to have a discussion with him. Is this play or is this a FLR?

    If it's play you two need to discuss the "rules" and that needs to include when, how, etc. If it's a Female Led Relationship you also need to discuss things and he has to be either in or he has to be out. Either way you need to decide how things will go.

    Frankly I think he owes you an apology for hurting him. Granted guys talk, get scared then regret things. So while he most likely didn't hurt you on purpose he still hurt you and he needs to own up to that.

    FYI, this will take time. Adjustment is hard. So please don't give up. And please don't let a few setbacks make you feel bad. You did something special for him and you and I commend you for it. To many never do and wonder what if.

    Live life, try things. Be willing to make mistakes. But please communicate and be sure that both of you understand when things don't go right you need to discuss and learn from it.

    I believe that you did great. Give him a pass but make him earn that pass. Maybe set up a punishment scene. Make it so it's not totally fun, but not over the top. But make him beg for more.

    I have faith in both of you!
     
  23. nonamesissy
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    nonamesissy Active member

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    i wonder if he isn't being more revealing in their relationship? it may be the case he won't admit to all that he feels is needed? i get the feeling that She's right on top of things, perhaps he needs her comfort and support to let all his feelings out? this is all In My Humble Opinion of course, it would be arrogant of me to assume any of my comments would contribute to the welfare of their relationship.
     
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  24. Deleted member 104385
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    You def didn't do anything wrong what so ever. If after talking and finding the deeper issue(s) at hand and it still come up as in mood swings etc, being annoyed that you're taking pride ain your role that he wanted you to take in the first place, then I'd say no more chastity what so ever. If he only wants to play when it suits him then chastity is not for him, as a life style but rather just a sexual kink from time to time, and it def shouldn't be something that makes you feel like you did something wrong either.

    Maybe re access and set new ground rules and if the problem still continues then I'd say chastity play is over, time for couples consoling, once he hears you say that I'm sure his attitude will change. Most men won't want to spend money telling strangers things that go on in their relationship and their feelings, especially since most feel that seeing a consoler does t work and is just a waste of money and time.

    Either way there's deeper issues at play that needs to have light shined on.
     
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  25. John
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    Sounds like he is topping from the bottom only wants it when he wants. Maybe teach him a lesson keep him lock him up and tell him he is staying locked up for a long time due to his unacceptable attitude. This would teach him a lesson plus make him excited that you are taking control and being mean. Maybe he had his mind elsewhere on that day maybe problems at work etc. Maybe introduce a weekly maintenance spanking to keep him submissive tie him up and give him a good spanking not just 10 times. Until a point you feel he is letting loose getting more and more submissive. Another trick put him in a pair of panties force him to wear them even if he refuse if he wants to unlocked anytime. Panties would make any man feel submissive it’s embarrassing and you got the power over him you have this knowledge. If he misbehave you could inform him about the panties and whisper in his ear about the panties would make him feel small. If you say what do you think would think if they knew you are wearing panties and a chastity cage haha
     
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