Masturbation and relationship issues

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by Lemonzes7, Feb 1, 2023.

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  1. Lemonzes7
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    Lemonzes7 Active member

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    I have seen posts from many members here saying that prior to chastity they were excessively masturbating and that it was causing issues within their relationship.

    My fiancé and I have been going in and out of chastity for the last few months. During periods of chastity, we do really well relationship wise. She gets all the attention and affection that she wants, and we are both satisfied sexually.

    We will partake in chastity for around 15 days on average, then after I am allowed an orgasm, chastity is usually forgotten about for a while as we move back to our normal routine. When we move back to our normal routine, although we will have sex ever 2-3 days, I have a hard time not masturbating. I will find ways to justify it in my own mind, all the while still telling her that I have not masturbated (An agreement we made a while back). I feel terrible for lying, but I am embarrassed / worried of what her response will be if I do tell her. Uncaged and unenforced chastity does not work for me.

    When we get back in that routine, I can feel the shift in the relationship. I become less attentive and loving, and she notices it too. She will tell me that she wants me to be more loving and affectionate to her, but it seems to go to the back of my mind. We will argue more often, I will get upset about insignificant things, and I will feel a sense of us slightly detaching from each other emotionally due to those factors. We still love each other, it’s just not as passionate.

    I have told her in that past that chastity helps me feel inclined to behave how she wants, but she does not want those behaviors to come from something sexual. She seems to be tolerant of chastity in the sense it doesn’t bother her, but she’s not jumping at the opportunity to indulge in it. I understand that it may not be for everyone, but I feel it really helps make both of us good emotionally.

    It feels like including regular chastity would make our relationship stronger, but she can’t get past that part about my loving behaviors are sexually rooted.

    For those that might have experienced something similar, how can I explain to her that those feelings and actions are genuine, but that chastity helps me do them more frequently?
     
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  2. Caged for life
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    Caged for life Long term member

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    Although I do have my issue with my temper it's because I suffer from extreme anxiety which we have also linked in to some depression, I don't feel chastity has helped thar in any way, if anything I use to deal with my anxiety by masturbation.
    I would be calmer and more relaxed but it was only temporary.
    Now that my wife holds my keys I can nolonger masturbate and calm myself .
    I pray I never have to go back on the anti anxiety medication ever again.
    It no fun suffering from impotence.
    Even with viagra I could get a hard on but could never climax no matter how long we went
     
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  3. Arm II
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    Arm II Active member

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    Not saying this is anyone's problem here, just pointing out some information and experiences.
    Slightly Low to medium low T can cause mood swings, depression, and anxiety. Very low T has a whole different set of issues I won't go into as, while I've been through it, it doesn't seem applicable here.
    Studies have shown that excitement leading up to orgasm can raise T levels, and in many men, the day or two after O, T levels can go down.
    I personally don't produce hardly any T and take supplements. I find that the day of or day after an orgasm, I am more irritable.
    Studies have also found that two to three weeks without orgasm raises T levels in some men, especially with the anticipation of pending O. So it is quite possible chastity is helping to correct for slightly low, or varying T levels.
    Another issue can be vitamin D, with low vitamin D, no matter how much T your body makes, it won't process thr T fully and you can still be irritable and depressed.
     
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  4. captivatedbyher
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    captivatedbyher romantic want to be

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    My wife is the same, if she wants these behaviors coming from something nonsexual she could get a dog. Your a man, this is how men are, and just like us men need to get educated about how women work, women need to understand how men work.

    I think you should level with her, tell her how you are and your struggles. Your not alone, not being able to keep hands off is a common problem, I can hardly go two days. Relationships are work, she will need to do some work, and the reality is that you love her so much you are willing to be chaste so you can be the man she wants and needs.
    I wonder if women struggle with this because they associate a mans sexuallity as something they are not able to enjoy but rather something they need to satisfy or he will leave?
     
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  5. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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    I absolutely believe this is a common concern. And the roots are societal patriarchal expectations around male-centered sex and what we guys grow up with learning "selfish sex". If male sexuality was taught (to men and women) as something for the woman to enjoy and not fear or resent, they could relax into it more. And men would feel much more charged up, connected to their mate and want to perform (in life in general) at their best without shame if they knew how to manage their sex drive in a more balanced and aligned (to the woman) way. There is nothing wrong with, and everything wonderful with, being a horny guy. But it has to be in the right context and show up the right way.
     
  6. captivatedbyher
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    captivatedbyher romantic want to be

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    I think you might need to point out that the good behaviors are rooted in nonsexual male living. It is the behaviors that lack relationship luster that are rooted in sex, self sex. Male chastity is in a way saying no to sex, if a man wanted sex all the time a cage would be the last thing he would wear.

    Give her a one liner: Babe, the cage helps me say no to sex so I can say yes to you
     
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  7. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    If you point out that you act differently because without an imminent orgasm, you stop caring…it will not go well. You can say it a different way, but that’s what they will hear.

    Try to stay away from what it will do for her. They smell that out as a con or a trick and figure, “why do you have to be horny to treat me well”.

    Start with what it will do for you. It helps you focus and prioritize what’s important instead of on you. Knowing that it isn’t an option keeps your orgasms to who they belong to, instead of wasting them alone. That you need help because you just don’t have the willpower to stop without her. That you really want to be the best partner and are having trouble keeping your selfish habit under control. This is for you, not her. You want this you want to be a better partner. That you like who you are when you are focused on her.

    If u turn this into something that has all these benefits for her, she will be hurt that it takes kink to give them to her. Express that this is for you, because it helps you, and I bet she is more receptive.

    good luck
     
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  8. true42
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    true42 Owned member

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    You're not going to like what I have to say.

    First, it only gets harder with time to tell the truth. If it's hard now, it will be harder later. Please trust me on this. I was a dishonest asshole, so I know how this works. It took me years to regain the trust of my wife. You aren't even married yet, so stop the dishonesty now, when the pain will still be small. You need to take the pain now and fix this before it does real damage.

    But I'm not saying "dump it all on her". Yes, you need to come clean at some point, but you also need to be respectful of her as a person, and dumping all your mistakes on her at once is even worse than the lying you have done so far.

    So the first thing to do is decide to yourself that you will no longer lie to her. If you have to masturbate, tell her in advance. "Honey, I feel weak, like I really want to masturbate, like right now. What should I do?" Or even earlier: "Honey, can you lock me back up, so I don't get tempted to play with myself?" I don't know if either of these would work at all for her; you have to figure it out, because you know her best.

    I was going to write more suggestions, but I think that's a good start. Remember, you have to tailor any of this to your own unique situation. What works for anyone else isn't going to automatically work for you. And it's easy to screw up a relationship, so think carefully, and act thoughtfully towards her. Wishing you and her the best.
     
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  9. Plotthund
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    Plotthund Member

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    I didn't read all the responses but you could tell your wife that a man's penis is linked to his heart. This is why so many men get in trouble And why Jeffrey Epstein had such a booming business.
     
  10. Lemonzes7
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    Lemonzes7 Active member

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    That sounds a lot like something she would say. Thank you for the advice I’ll try that out and see how it goes
     
  11. Lemonzes7
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    Lemonzes7 Active member

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    I agree that I should stop lying to her. I think that if I tell her that I need help not masturbating she would just say she’s worried about my level of self control. She kind of sees the cage as just a periodic toy to use when she leaves for her night shift job and not as a tool that can be used
     
  12. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Chastity Superman.

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    Congratulations on the engagement @Lemonzes7 Feel we need the full proposal story!
     
  13. Lazlo Toth
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    Lazlo Toth C/D on the TomAllen-Rectrix scale: 9/9

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    Some really good advice in this thread. And a really well-stated concern by the OP

    True42 gives THE best advice here. I’m gonna follow it.
     
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  14. Lemonzes7
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    Lemonzes7 Active member

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    Thank you, it was nothing super spectacular. I proposed to her on Christmas morning in our house and then we celebrated with my family by drinking champagne at 9am :)
     
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  15. littleguy3
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    littleguy3 Adoring husband

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    Chastity and orgasm denial is very much like taking testosterone supplements. They produce in you a behavioral change because of the hormone supplements that enable to be the man you WANT to be. The difference is that your focus will become all about her needs, wants and happiness instead of your own gratification. Tell her that. Let it sink in and repeat it.

    It's enabling you to be the man you want to be but haven't been able to before. Ask her to help you be the husband and man you want to be for her!
     
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  16. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    @Nicoftime and @true42 are telling you the same thing from different perspectives. You're a masturbator. You need her help to stop. You want to stop because you know it is interfering with the intimacy of your relationship and you want to be a better husband.

    Women know we masturbate. Most of them don't like it. She'll likely be quite willing to help.
     
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  17. madams-sissysub
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    I had the same issue when I was put on anxiety meds when I was in my early 20s, it’s horrible. I could get a erection in a heartbeat, but no chance of a climax no matter how long you tried!
     
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  18. Caged for life
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    Caged for life Long term member

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    The only way I could get the erection was through medication, but like you the inability to climax was sickening
     
  19. Sub2misgoddess
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    Sub2misgoddess Active member

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    In my prior loveless marriage, I would masturbate several times a day for many years. When I met my best wife, I told her I had trouble with that and she tolerated masturbation as long as she was the focus and gave permission or if we looked at porn together.

    Both of us came from marriages where we would be expected to be completely honest but then "punished" for the truth. In our relationship, we started out completely open and honest and it was initially scary, but five years later, we have the most intimate, caring relationship.

    I have not had unsupervised masturbation in almost five years now and generally, even if we start with supervised masturbation, she will often get turned on enough that it becomes something more. I have not had an orgasm that she has not approved of and every one is devoted to her. We actually did not even use a cage for orgasm control for the first year of our relationship.

    I would say confess to your fiancee and say this is a habit you would like to curb with her help.
     
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  20. WWSUB
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    WWSUB Long term member

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    Sorry if someone already wrote this but I didn’t want to read through everything. What you need to help her understand is that the feelings aren’t
    rooted deep down in sexual feeling. They are rooted in your true feelings for her and chastity just helps bring those feelings out and enhances them. Let her know that you like how chastity enhances those emotions and really brings them to the forefront. The sexual aspect is just a bonus to deep rooted intimate love you have for her.
    Us guys have the stupidity to always make things about sex and that’s where our female partners will immediately go to in their minds because they know us all to well. You have to find a way to prove to her that your feelings are more than just sexual.
     
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  21. Caged for life
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    Caged for life Long term member

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    Agreed
     
  22. cshorts
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    cshorts Locked in love for SL

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    @Nicoftime gives terrific advice. The quick clichéd reminder of the key message: Use "I" statements, not "you" statements.


    I'm going to say something a bit contrarian to several of the comments. Society teaches us to think of our sexuality as something separable from the rest of ourselves, and something a bit suspect. "Feelings of love and devotion aren't as meaningful if they come from somewhere sexual."

    We are sexual beings. That's not all we are, of course, but it's a completely inseparable, and very important aspect. The drive to reproduce is one of the most compelling, important and intrinsic features of being alive. We'd be so much better off if we understood, accepted and appreciated that, rather than feeling somewhat shameful or diminished if our sex drive becomes evident.

    We can't shut off our sex drive, compartmentalize it. If we try too hard, years of dysfunctional behavior and/or therapy ahead. What we can do is learn to channel the drive in more productive directions. As in, "Rather than spending time and emotional energy and attention on sex with myself to respond to my drive, my desire, I'd rather channel that energy into loving devotion to you. Sexual desire is going to be a powerful motivator of my behavior no matter what -- that's the human condition. I want that motivation to be focused on generous, caring behavior towards you."

    Of course, since most people don't see it this way, and devalue sexuality, seeing it as lesser, you partner may not be able or interested in seeing it this way. So for pragmatic purposes I think @nicotime 's approach is generally best! Just saying the above is unlikely to convince anyone (including most of you reading this, no doubt :)
     
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  23. littleguy3
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    littleguy3 Adoring husband

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    Thats the challenge we should have. To keep the ficus of our behavior on our partner. But the drive is so strong that we can easily lose focus and start thinking about our own pleasure. Chastity helps but isn't a guarantee.
     
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