Deep breath. And... relax. Here goes

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by longtallsally, May 1, 2022.

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  1. spider203
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    spider203 Long term member

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    Hi Sally I have been reading this post from the start and I can only say that you are doing great job so far my only thought is that you are afraid of making a mistake, but you must believe that you will make a mistake sometime and the trick is how you recover from that mistake and not to fold up everything and put it away because of one mistake and please please give yourself a break you are doing great.
     
  2. Chaz69
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    Chaz69 Long term member

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    Well, you will see a change in his personality, for the better. He will be less argumentative, most willing to do household chores the moment you ask (no more if this "I'll do it in a bit" and then forgetting it) and he'll generally be more caring. So don't be surprised by all that and mistake it for weakness.

    There are some secrets that we just can't share with the women folk, but all I can say is, I hope you have shares in Kleenex !!!
     
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  3. PastaGuy
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    PastaGuy Active member

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    Sal, youre doing a great job. I've followed along your journey and I'm impressed with how quickly your confidence has grown. In terms of keeping Pete your strong and masculine other half, my wife and I share the same idea.
    I'm still the "man of the house" in terms of being the family protector, handy-man, male energy, father, and husband. Neither of us want that to ever change. We make decisions together and value each other's opinions. With that said, we have found that my wife is still the natural dominant of our family/marriage. I believe many households look to the mom/wife to lead anyways, so we're not too different in that regard.
    Now with that being said, she does lead sexually and controls when I receive pleasure and orgasms. She gives me weekly errands to do and I (mostly) do them without question because I know my pleasure depends on it. I would hate if she withheld her feet from me all because I didn't do a few simple tasks! I'm not a slave and she does just as much cleaning and chores that I do. This dynamic works for us and makes us both happy. It doesn't take away from my masculinity or self-respect in the slightest.
    Do what you feel is right for you and Pete. I'm sure you'll both find what works and will enjoy all that comes with it.
    -Pasta
     
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  4. ChasteCel
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    ChasteCel 7/6 on the TomAllen-Rectrix scale

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    Sal,

    In this sense you're a lot like my wife. Outside of sexual activities, we have a very modern relationship - sharing chores, decisions, etc. We argue about stupid things, we never seem to be able to make a decision on what to get for takeout, etc, etc, etc.

    The *one* thing I think the cage has done to me (again outside of sexually) that I notice really only when I get a more-than-a-couple-days "break" - is that I seem to get annoyed with her less. For those stupid little things that every couple has, those really only bother me anymore if I've been uncaged for a few days (and have the corresponding horomone dip extensively noted above ;)).

    So I don't think you have anything to worry about. If anything, you might find Pete being "sweeter" to you more often. Which I imagine might be a great benefit!
     
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  5. Headtrip
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    Headtrip Long term member

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    Hi. Sal,

    Keep re-reading your excellent title here. You are doing fine. Pete WILL change. He will naturally start to care about you and your pleasure, in and out of the bedroom. To him, he will feel like the only thing he can think about is sex, but you are actually enabling him to break his love affair with his penis (the masturbation so accurately described above) which produces both of these changes. His core strengths are still there.

    Please dont look at him being more submissive towards you as a bad thing, it probably truly makes him happier to please you now (that he is in chastity). Trust me: I still push back as strong as ever when it is truly important to me, but I also feel a joy I never understood before in making my Queen happy. I feel like a much better man now and know the frustration, etc. are just part of the fun. With your help he will get there, too.
     
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  6. Headtrip
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    Headtrip Long term member

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    PS: YES, make him wear at work. It will frustrate him mad knowing your control and love follow him even to his domain. Also: kudos for putting the cage on him. My Queen insists on this and tells me I am not allowed to handle her toy. It still turns me on.
     
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  7. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    I don't mind him being 'sweet' but I don't want him to lose his own opinions! Sal
     
  8. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    It's Tuesday morning now and he's been in his cage since we allowed it fresh air, exercise and a good stretch on Sunday evening. Sunday night was uneventful. Yesterday morning he asked me if I wanted him to wear it to work and I just said, "Why not?" He looked a bit unsure and I told him that it makes me excited thinking about it (which is true, but I might have over-egged it a bit). I said I hoped it made him think of me, not just sex with anyone! He didn't actually respond to that. He asked how long it'll be this time and I told him I haven't decided but I love the idea of him being quite frantic. Then we got distracted by other things and he went off to work. We had a nice kiss before he went and I made sure to give the cage a little tug through his trousers. I made sure he had a key in his wallet just in case.

    I made sure to text him a couple of times during the day with little hints.

    We just slobbed around last night when we both got home. I could tell he wanted to play. I did too, a bit, and ordinarily I would have been persuaded but I just found myself saying that he needed to wait. Then he said, "We don't have to take it off. We can do other things." It was close and lovely, just intimate. He said he wanted me to come but I felt that I just wanted to prolong the chatting and intimacy and eventually we fell asleep.

    This morning he told me he'd woken from time to time and I asked him if it had hurt. He said no but when he'd woken he'd been very conscious of the cage. We agreed to just see how it goes. He's at work now and I'm off shortly for my shift. By the time we're both home, nothing will happen tonight. If he's still ok, I plan to leave him in tonight and maybe plan something for tomorrow evening. I'll text him from time to time to make sure he knows he's not forgotten, and to keep him keen etc! (It keeps me keen too).

    Sal
     
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  9. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    This. Husbands want this too but dont know how to get there without their wives' help, without chastity it just turns into something else, penetration and thrusting not prolonged chatting and intimacy.
     
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  10. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    'Why not' indeed. He doesn't need his erection at work. We spend half our waking hours there. Now you know what he's *not* doing there, know that he's pining for your touch, to be intimate with you.
     
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  11. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    Last night we both came in rather late from work. I'd been teasing him here and there throughout the day. When we kissed, I put my hand on his cage and tugged it (through his trousers) and asked how he was getting on with it. He said that it was ok, but he found it hard to concentrate at work because he was thinking about sex all the time! I said that excited me (which it does) and I asked him how it felt having his erections controlled, not just when he could come. He said he had mixed feelings about it and would like to be able to try a slightly bigger cage (it's on order) but he liked how it made him think about me (awwww!).

    I suggested a shower together and I unlocked him (that wonderful feeling of control for me) and washed it very slowly and deliberately and gave him lots of nice compliments. I asked him how it felt now and he said, "better than anything". I loved that.

    We lay on the bed and I could tell he was desperate! I know he could tell I was a bit desperate too. I asked him if it was enjoying the fresh air and freedom and he told me it was wonderful to have it expand properly after being cooped up. And with my heart racing, I said something like, "Enjoy your erection but I'm afraid you won't be coming tonight. Sorry about that." I felt a fantastic feeling of control at that point. He did his frightened rabbit look again, and pointed out that I was obviously excited too. So I said, "Would you please do something about that?" Again, the feeling of power.

    He went silent for a bit then asked me what I'd like and I told him to surprise me, but slowly. He climbed onto me, which hadn't been my plan at all, and was about to enter me! I said that I'd told him he couldn't come but he said he'd hold back. I said I thought that he wouldn't be able to, or that I wouldn't be able to, or both. I asked him to think of another way and just gently guided his head downwards. I've talked about this before but it felt incredibly exciting having control over someone so much more physically powerful than me.

    I kept having to ask him to slow down - I can't remember him ever having been so eager - but it felt fantastic and I told him so. I asked him repeatedly to be gentle and slow and to make it last, which he did. And all this while he was uncaged and very aroused! Once I'd got myself together, I held it for a moment and said, "That felt fabulous. Thank you." He looked really pleased and I felt totally high. And I just said (approximately, again), "Now, I'm going to make us some hot chocolate while you pop it back in the cage for me. I'm sorry you can't come now but come back to bed and we'll chat." And he just did as I'd asked. I felt quite wobbly in the kitchen.

    Then we had a cuddle and a chat and sipped hot chocolate. Our chat didn't go according to my plan at all! A small chat that I'd planned turned into a huge emotional event. It's late now so I'll write the rest tomorrow. We're ok though. More than ok.

    Sal
     
  12. Chaz69
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    Chaz69 Long term member

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    Great update, well except for the last bit, but we'll have to wait and see what that was about. Regarding getting a larger cage, he might think that's what he wants, but I suspect that he'll find a larger cage LESS comfortable because if you give the erection a little bit of room to get started it will try really hard (no pun intended) to grow and will end up being more uncomfortable than if it had been stopped in its tracks much earlier.

    I forget, have you said which cage he is wearing? Do you have a link?
     
  13. Guest 6019
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    Ooh a cliffhanger!!! I have a feeling it is good news though.
     
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  14. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    Wonderful! The only thing better than kissing her down there with an erection is worshiping her down there locked in my cage, allowing me to give up thoughts of entering her and just revel in the music of her pleasure.
     
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  15. Proud to be chaste
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    Proud to be chaste Active member

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    #265 Proud to be chaste, May 19, 2022
    Last edited: May 19, 2022
    I think it all depends on what you mean by "mentally submissive". Exactly what are you afraid of? That he will loose his personality, values or opinions? From reading you describing yourself, him and your relationship, I think that is very unlikely.

    Simply letting you control his sex/cage him for you, is a submissive act imo. He gives up something extremely intimate (his sexual freedom) because you asked him to. His “submission” is an expression of his love, trust and dedication. From what you write, it seems like you want him to submit "mentally" too, in the sense that you want him to be happy about you controlling his sex.

    So what about outside the bedroom? I think it very much depends on what you want too, as this dynamic is something you create together. It seems like you communicate very well as a couple, so just telling him that you don't want his submission to become [whatever you are afraid of], will probably go a long way.

    I can shortly share my personal experience: Chastity has made me more submissive in the sense that I tend to focus more on her needs. When my desperation peaks, I often do stuff for her just because I need to find some other outlet while sex is off the table. She appreciates me doing stuff for her in general, but she absolutely loves it when I does it because I am horny and desperate for her. This also encourages me to show her more loving "submission" whenever I am horny, which strengthens the pattern.

    Also my wife sometimes like to use chastity as a loving and fun power tool. For example she can hand out a small punishment if she feels disrespected. That's okay with me, I see it as her way of helping me becoming a better man for her, and having some fun on the way. I am still her strong and confident man and we are equals. If I disagree with her I tell her, and we make big decisions together. I would never sacrifice my values or opinions for some sex game/lifestyle.

    I know it's easy for me to say, but I don't think you need to worry :)
     
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  16. gcar101
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    gcar101 Kit Carson

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    Remember you have the key…& you have control … that is what keeps him interested
     
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  17. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    Yet another massively long post. Sorry. The process of finding my words and writing this journal, and reading the comments I’ve been getting are helping me to think about how I feel about denial and chastity. I hope I can help others sometime! I hadn’t intended to leave my last post on a cliffhanger but the conversation My Pete and I had after our enjoyable play session turned me upside down. I’ve needed to have the time to think about it.

    So, he had somehow managed to stuff himself back in his cage and there we were sitting up in bed drinking hot chocolate, all nice and cuddly. I said that I felt really excited that during the last week he’d spent the longest periods he’d ever had, being caged for me, and I asked him how it had felt. He told me that the cage was physically ok, especially now we’d worked out putting a dab of handcream under the bottom of the ring, prevented chafing. He said the feeling of me being in control was really exciting for him and the orgasm denial made him very horny a lot of the time. But he told me that my control over his erections had been a much bigger thing for him to deal with and he hadn’t expected it to affect him so much. He said again that he was looking forward to trying a slightly larger cage so he could enjoy the feeling of the beginning of erections and then being restrained, instead of them never getting started. He said he felt that not being able to have erections at all, a bit too ‘feminising’. I asked him if he was ok to keep going until the slightly bigger cage arrived and then we could choose, and he agreed to that.

    But then he came out with something I totally wasn’t expecting. I could tell he was nervous. and he said something like, “You know how you said that this week was the longest period I’ve ever been in the cage? Well, it wasn’t.” And I said that I’d remembered when we got the cage last autumn he said that he’d never tried anything like that before. He said that was true, but that he had put on the cage we’d been playing with, a couple of days here and there when one of us was away, and especially, several months ago when I’d been on a girls’ trip abroad for a week. He said he’d been locked for four days! I felt very upset, almost literally sick, because I assumed that someone else had locked him in and held the key while I was away. He asked me why I was so upset and apologised for not telling me but he’d been embarrassed about it. I asked him who had locked his cage and kept the key while I was away? And he said “Nobody else! Just me! I just wanted to practice on my own” I realised I’d jumped to the wrong conclusion and almost (but not quite!) cried with relief. I explained why I had been upset and said that of course I didn’t mind. I also had a little dig at him for having this secret sex life of wearing the cage and playing with himself in bed while I was asleep (ugh!!). We laughed and cuddled. We had a long kiss and I tugged at the cage a bit, which I’ve learned that he enjoys.

    After a bit, he asked me why it is that I find caging him exciting. I said that it was about having control over such an intimate part of him. But he said, really gently, “I know that - you’ve told me that before and I can see it. But why? And have you always felt this way in your relationships?” We’ve never gone into a whole lot of detail about previous relationships – there’s never been any need. And he asked, “When did you first think about having this sort of control?” This is something that I’ve been thinking about lot lately and although I hadn’t intended to tell him for quite some time, I realised this was as good a moment as any.

    I told him that when I was about 17, I met a guy at a party who was in his mid twenties – an older brother of one of our group of friends. Typical teenage party, I’d had a few drinks and we’d found a bedroom upstairs to kiss and have a grope – the usual teenage thing, I’d expected. I was totally inexperienced and led him along blithely until suddenly, there I was with my knickers off and he was about to enter me. I wanted him and I didn’t want him at the same time. I was curious and turned-on but really scared. And while I was trying to work out what I wanted, then he was already half inside me and I realised I didn’t want this at all. He was really hurting me but I felt frozen and confused and totally overpowered and it was a while before I managed to say anything. He realised his thrusting was hurting me and to his credit, withdrew immediately and apologised. I remember trying not to cry because of all the make up. I left and went home on my own but cried on the way.

    I was hurt physically and mentally, and I didn’t tell anyone for years. I didn’t have sex again until about three years later at uni when I was persuaded by a guy who was slow and patient, and gentle and mercifully small. Things got much better after that but the feeling of being totally in someone else’s control had made me wonder what it might be like the other way around, and consensual. It absolutely wasn’t that my horrible experience had made me want to turn the tables and get some sort of revenge, but I think, the episode had made me question something that was already in me. So, with successive relationships (there haven’t been that many, honestly!), I’ve enjoyed playing with tease and denial and so have my partners. But this is the first time I’ve played with a cage and such a strong degree of control. I told My Pete again, and I repeated it, that this control wasn’t in any way about me getting my own back on men for something that happened so long ago and I also reassured him that it’s something that really wouldn’t give me much pleasure at all if he didn’t find it enjoyable and arousing too.

    He stroked my arm and thanked me for telling him. He asked me if I thought I’d been raped. I said that at the time I thought I had, but when I’d finally talked it through with a friend (years later, would you believe) she had said that it didn’t sound at all clear cut. How was he to have known that I was inexperienced and had kind of frozen? She was right, of course and I don’t bear the guy any grudge now, although we haven't spoken or met since that night. My Pete asked me why I had kept the whole thing secret for years and I said I just felt there wasn’t anyone I could easily tell. He asked whether talking about it had made it possible for me to move on with my sex life. I said that was definitely the case – I managed around the same time to tell quite a few of my friends, by which time it just wasn’t such a big deal any more. We lay there. It was lovely and intimate and I felt I could tell him anything. He thanked me again for talking about it.

    We were lying there all calm. He said that seeing as we were sharing our secrets he would tell me something that he’d been thinking of telling me but had put off repeatedly but he had a similar story to mine. I started worrying that he’d also mis-read some poor woman! His voice was nervous and jumpy again. And then, oh my, our conversation went in another direction I totally hadn’t expected.

    He told me that when he’d been in his final year at primary school, (aged 10 or 11) boys used to occasionally accuse each other of being in love with so-and-so other boy and being ‘gay’. He’d been singled out a little bit in this way, because of his hair cut, he thought, but not much more than other kids. Then one day he’d been kicking a ball around in a park with some friends and some older boys, and amid all the rough and tumble of play-fighting they had playfully pinned him down on his stomach and shouted about him being ‘gay’. But then it turned horrible. They had pulled his trousers down and someone had poked something into his anus. It had made him bleed and he’d had to tell his parents and get stitches and the school had got involved, and other parents too, and the worst thing was that everyone knew. Everything had healed fine, and he never talked about it. Thank goodness it had been the last year of primary. Going to the new school meant a fresh start and everything was ok there. But other than having had to talk to his teachers and parents at the time, he told me he hadn’t mentioned it to anyone about it until now. And since then, he’d just avoided the association between that nasty event, and sex, even though he said he’d often been curious about anal play. Over the years it had just become a no-go area.

    We held each other close. I kept saying to him I love him and thanked him for telling me something so intimate. I was just sad that he’d had such a nasty association for so many years. He asked me if I understood now why he’d had the reaction he had about any kind of anal or prostate play. I said how could I not?! He said that he’d loved my idea of associating other parts of his body with arousal, (he mentioned his ‘nipplegasm’ I’d given him the other day) and having the experience of ‘receiving’ as I had put it, or being entered, or having some stimulation of his prostate, were exciting for him but just didn’t feel he could do that. I suggested that trying those things might be fun and exciting but was absolutely no big deal for me and if it was something we ever wanted to do in future then there was certainly no hurry about it.

    He said his experience felt similar to mine, which is why he’d asked me how it had changed things once I’d been able to confide in others. I said it had really helped me telling one person, but repeated that it had helped even more telling several and I asked if there were any of his friends he could talk to. First, he said, not really. But then a few minutes later, he said that maybe he’d broken the ice now and he would try to tell one or two of his friends when the moment was right. He said he was glad he'd told me.

    We had a long, long kiss and fell asleep. I woke during the night and listened to him breathing and ever so gently put my hand on his cage for a moment.

    It’s Thursday afternoon now and he’s at work and still locked. I’ve been sure to send him little messages to reassure him I haven’t forgotten. My last one was “I love that your orgasms are my choice. And even your erections too. Frustrating, isn't it?! Thinking of you!”

    Sal
     
  18. Guest 6019
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    Sal, What I see is a loving wife, who really cares about her man. You cannot fail, if you keep being you.

    "also reassured him that it’s something that really wouldn’t give me much pleasure at all if he didn’t find it enjoyable and arousing too".

    This resonates with me in a way. I was pressuring my wife, not knowingly, for sex before chastity. One of the catalysts that drove me down this road was the realisation that...

    "If any fantasy I had didn't give her pleasure, what pleasure was there in that fantasy."

    Now I have just one (all encompassing) fantasy. Her being turned on, and whatever that may, or may not lead to.
     
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  19. Chaz69
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    Chaz69 Long term member

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    There's nothing like sharing a secret to unburden yourself, as you just found, so I think now that Pete has told you about that incident, he may feel some relief and eventually anal stuff won't be as taboo as it is now for him.
     
  20. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    We'll see... It's going to be slow, whatever happens. Sal
     
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  21. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    I did a naughty thing and feel absolutely brilliant about it. He's ok too.

    The effect on me of our big talk the other night was to feel very loving and intimate but at least for a couple of days, not quite so sexual. I felt, and still feel I have some stuff to work out. My Pete on the other hand has been completely desperate and I've been taking a lot of pleasure in that. Yesterday I did a slightly naughty thing. I texted him at work to say I was looking forward to taking the cage off for a day or two to make sure everything's ok, and might he enjoy that too? You can guess his answer! He said he was feeling incredibly frustrated and wanted to come. When he got home last night, I was ready dressed as per instructions from several kind gentlemen on this site - flimsy dressing gown, make up, lippy, nice underwear and clopping around in heels (sorry chaps, they're not sky-high - I can't walk in those).

    As soon as I saw his face, I knew that the effort had been worth it. He's always attentive but it was like a Tom & Jerry cartoon where the cat's eyes are out on stalks. It made me feel attractive and excited.We kissed and I said I thought that we should take his cage off for a day at least. I put my hand on the cage and pulled him gently by it to the bathroom. I love the feeling of leading him that way. I unlocked him (that blissful moment) and took off the cage but left the ring on, and sponged him with a wash cloth, which he clearly enjoyed. He said he couldn't wait to be inside me.

    Big deep breath. I said, "I did mean it when I said we should take of this cage for a night or two", and he said that he'd been desperate, not only to come, but to be able to get properly hard. Poor chap. I was careful to look him in the eyes, and I said, "The thing is, that we're definitely taking off this cage for a night or two, but... we're replacing it with this one". His new, slightly larger cage had arrived. When he saw it, he did the whole frightened rabbit routine, incredibly disappointed, but I noticed that he was completely hard and obviously excited too. It was another in the same family, so all I needed to do was just plug the new one in. Except of course, in his condition there was no way I could get him into it. I asked him to come and sit where I could see him from the kitchen (so he couldn't play with himself), while I got a more dowdy dressing gown (so I wouldn't distract him) and he could put on the new cage for me. It took him about 1/2 an hour, including reading the weekend newspaper before he managed and presented himself to be locked. Bliss again.

    He said, in a slightly annoyed tone, he hadn't expected to be caged this evening. I said that he'd asked for a slightly larger cage - just big enough to allow him to feel the beginnings of an erection, so he wouldn't feel quite so feminised. And we'd given him what he wanted. "But I wanted us to play tonight." Then I said something like,
    "We certainly can play tonight, only you'll be caged and won't be able to come. But maybe you now feel yourself beginning to get hard, which you might enjoy, and there's lots of things we can do!" And I said I didn't want him to be annoyed.

    I took my dressing gown off and suggested we look at each other. I stood back as if I was at an art gallery and watched him being uncomfortable but obviously aroused. I said I quite enjoyed the slightly larger look of the new cage but we would continue to try both. Thanks to a lovely idea from someone on this forum, I said that for the next couple of hours I'd love it if he chose to do anything he wanted with me, except of course he couldn't take off the cage.

    We kissed and I asked him how it felt. He said that it was very different being able to have the beginning of an erection rather than none at all. He said it pulled more, which I could see, (the ring had pulled a bit away from his body) but it still all seemed to be remaining roughly in the right position and most importantly, he wasn't in pain and thought he wouldn't be able to get the cage back on again if he ever managed to get it off without the key. He said that feeling it swell against the cage was very exciting, which made it strain even more. He said it did feel a bit uncomfortable but not painful. I called him, "My caged beast". Our play was wonderful. At least, it was wonderful for me - he was in charge, I didn't have to think, but I knew he was only in charge because I'd allowed him to be, which I found exciting and thankfully he said he did too.

    We agreed to leave it on overnight to see how it goes.

    Sal.
     
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  22. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    And this morning, he said he'd had a really disturbed night because when he got an erection in his sleep it pulled the cage around and woke him up. At this point I can hear a loud collective "We told you so!" from this forum. Anyway, he went off to work in it and I said we'd have a think when he gets home about which one he'd wear tonight. He said "Maybe neither"and I said that I just knew that if he didn't wear one, he'd be playing with himself the moment I went to sleep. So I looked him in the eyes and said, "You'll definitely be locked tonight, thanks". I'll be interested to know how he got on at work today - I made a point of telling him how much I enjoyed our play yesterday.

    I'm thinking of having him wear the slightly larger one during the day and the tighter one at night. Does that make sense?

    Sal.
     
  23. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    I am not mad keen on the devices themselves either, though his slightly larger one is nicer for me than the little one - emasculating and all that. How did you manage to go from finding the devices gross (it's not quite that bad for me) to presumably being ok with them now. Was it just familiarity? Sal.
     
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  24. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    Yes and no. I have one cage (not my usual one, but my A226) on which the 45 mm ring is a little too big for daytime wear but the 40 mm ring is too tight for nighttime wear. When we use it we switch back and forth for day and night. But I find that the unlocking and relocking tends to diminish the "permanence" or "all-the-time" or "indefiniteness" of being a locked husband. Chastity works deeper into my mind when I stay locked except when she wants to use it.
     
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  25. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    Interesting - do you think would be the case if he had the switchover supervised by me? Sal.
     
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