New and wondering about the right approach

In a word; Yes.
If you are not following her if she's going slowly and how she wants to go, then that's not sounding like a FLR.
If you are telling her what you want her to do, and refused to follow her order before, it sounds more like you're focused on yourself instead of her; and topping from the bottom. If that was without her controlling your orgasm, your behavior may become even more self focused with you pestering her for release. I'd suggest one rule, that you may not ask her for permission to release and more time be added every time you do ask.

Even though you already have experience and know what each other like and desire, I'd suggest a written agreement anyway to be specific about what you're agreeing to, with rules and penalties spelled out. But if it's really Female Led, focused on making her life easier and more enjoyable, then some of the things you like she may never give you if it's not something she enjoys, and the reverse; something you don't like, for example cleaning toilets, may be a regular task for you now.

I would also definitely suggest you get in chastity with no release for at least 2 or 3 weeks at first, to get the hormonal and emotional benefits that gives and the extra bonding to your partner it generates.
Good luck, and try and keep your thoughts focused on Her.

 

Honestly, I think the question here is not whether she's ready for a FLR but you are.

Your explanation of how it broke down last time is very jarring. You "refused to follow" what "seemed an irrational order". How is that the response of someone seeking FLR?

Is this really what you want? How will you react next time you're given an instruction you don't like?

 

@LesterBallard nailed it.

You need to decide; are you submissive, or are you a bottom? Both are fine, but to find satisfaction for you both, you need to know.

A true submissive will not usually refuse a request unless it is outside of the agreed boundaries or causing unusual distress or pain.

A bottom may be more resistant. If you are a bottom, and are really into it just for the kink, occasional scenes might be better for both of you.

Being a bottom, and pretending to be submissive to get kink, is dishonest to both of you, and is unlikely to last as you have discovered.

 

Ok, you seem to be considering the right questions, and you are fortunate to have a willing if at least enthusiastic partner. You are very lucky - she is rare.

So where does that leave your relationship? I think it would be helpful to consider that a FLR is what your both want it to be. You may have read about them, and fantasized. But the reality is, most are pretty tame. You get to decide what works for you.

Sit down together over a glass of wine. Pick a day when you both are not stressed. And talk about what YOUR FLR might look like. Perhaps you start out easy and grow over time as you both settle in. The key concept is to make it meet what is important you each of you. Some couples write simple contracts to set expectations.

It is worth pursuing. Don’t stop. A FLR can be the best relationship you can imagine. And, it grows and changes. But, make it yours.

 

I agree that she should have no rules and that you have no demands. On the other hand, you might have all sorts of rules to follow and she can demand anything she wants. Listen to her and let her run with this as she sees fit.

IMO, there SHOULD be times when you're asked to something that might seem irrational or out of your comfort zone. Frankly, I think that's why a lot of us are here. It's important that she "tests" your willingness to please her. Seeing you act on them will reinforce her confidence in herself and reinforce your submissive admiration of her.

 

I agree! If you’re in a flr, it’s not down to you to what you follow, and to what is and is not irrational, your opinion is irrelevant, you do as your commanded.

 

Sounds perfect.

 

It seems to me tat shes ready for flr but u may b hesitant.. u may enjoy d pwr xchg once a while as in role playing but not on d long run or permanence.. ok, every couple needs som time off to ponder d long term efect on relationship n snap off out of it n reenter again d flr mode if it suits them.. d male ego is a tough nut to crack.. practise d male chastity as wat u hv considered.. I mean doesnt flr n male chastity go hand in hand..? Start by denying yrsef 3wks str8.. during which ofer her daily oral orgasm between her ovulution cycle… while during her fertile period giv yr al during piv if she alows.. she wil treasure yr efort n sacrifice much more emotionaly.. n ready to take further charge.. nib d male mood swings in d bud when orgasm is denied.. chanel d testosterone build up into house chores/diy or d gym.. nothing is sexier than a fit male who has surendered his mahod to his queen…

 

Some of your terminology is a bit off track from a submissive. “Let her” “want to” etc. I might be reading too much into this, but it seems like you are very much in charge, and the only question is how far she is “allowed” to go.

Yes of course this is all consensual, and hard limits need to be established, but it seems like the ultimate power rests with you when you are making all these decisions and caveats. Who’s driving here? It might be her, but you are certainly right there in the passenger seat telling her where to go.

Part of giving up control is trusting they will do what is best. Does she know your kinks? It sounds like it, so she will decide what is reward and what isn’t. Punishment is especially not something you should not have any input about.

Let go, trust, and let her drive. You might like the scenery.

 

well please mr plover i think that She will get fed up if you keeps telling Her what you like and what you want Her to do to you. Ladys dont like being tell.

 

Glad to have you back with updates.. so your gf has been elevated to the status of goddes..? A goddess is meant to be worshipped.. her feet, her sex and her revered busts.. oh please.. your little unimportant dick to be locked away at her pleasure.. but when she says come fuck me.. you better be ready to pleasure her just as commanded.. oo my.. you are at her disposal..

 

My advice is try it and see.

 

@nplover from a quick read it sounds like she is, indeed growing and telling you what she wants/expects, and that you are still having some difficulty accepting this. I could be wrong but it is a very common theme on here where the guys get so amped up on the hormone rush that they want more, or they want certain fantasies fulfilled, etc - and then push their SO way too hard without even realizing it (thus the times she is put off by this).

In other words be careful telling her (even "suggesting") what rules she puts in place. As always you should be able to communicate and I don't think it is wrong to have the occasional talk about what you do/don't like or about what you find most effective. Perhaps a "I love you taking control and I am certainly willing to accept your full time lead. I still have trouble accepting this from time to time and am hoping you can help me to get/stay in the right mindset. You know me well, any ideas?" If she says "no ideas" then you can ask her if she wants to hear your ideas or not, and if you are lucky enough that she says "yes" suggest a few things that you think may appeal to her. Perhaps a weekly "reckoning" session that you submit to, or a timeout in the corner when she is less than thrilled, or whatever you think she might like and that might have a positive effect on your behaviour. And if she doesn't want ideas then just shut up and save it for next week's talk.

In summary, IMHO: You certainly SHOULD tell her what works and what doesn't, just don't overdo it and don't tell her what she needs to do. And if she asks for something that is not a pre-determined hard limit then you need to comply! 3+ years into this and I still have a hard time not being Alpha, but I have learned to object in a suitably respectful manner "honey, is it okay if I refuse that one, let me explain...".

 

It sounds to me like you are in an enviable position for most guys who are trying to establish an FLR. I wouldn't suggest anything like rules or rituals to her - more topping from the bottom. From what I read of your previous experiences she has plenty of options she is willing to use if/when you step out of line.

I would just carry on obeying her. If you really object to something she commands you to do then what @Headtrip suggested would be the way to approach it. If it were me though I wouldn't refuse I would just ask to discuss it so she understands your concerns. It may be that after that you agree or accept a punishment in lieu of it.

 

Personally, it sounds a lot like you want to have your cake and eat it.
If you want an FLR then you have to accept that she doesn’t want rules, just obedience.
If it was me in this situation I would hand over a list of hard limits. Actual hard limits, not a list of things you don’t really want to do or so many that actually she’s pigeon holed into leading you way.

For example, you struggle to adapt her making decisions so you could set your limit as ‘no decision that have a long term impact’ - as you become more accustomed to life like this then you may accept more.

Then I would focus my energy on complying with the things she’s asking. Not worrying about what she hasn’t asked.
Once you genuinely hand over control you’ll start to see some real changes in her behaviour and you may get more than you bargain for.

 

Sacrificing something you really want in order to please her (whether Goddess, Mistress, Wife, Girl Friend, etc) can be so fulfilling for each.

 

You need to bring in Chastity now, introduce it and try it. It will help her and you both settle into your roles and you’ll find things are so much easier.
Once you have it on, go out with friends to a restaurant or club and she might tease you a bit. The environment around you and her control will help you mentally settle in and feel much more relaxed.