Good idea or big mistake?

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by Gomer, Jun 22, 2021.

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  1. Gomer
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    Gomer New member

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    Hi everyone, looking from some advice here so please give it to me straight, no sugar coating. Been married a long time, in a purely heterosexual relationship, both in our fifties, vanilla only, no femdom. Basically I got caught looking at porn and it really hurt her emotionally. I am looking to rebuild trust, provide some accountability, and give her some control.

    This led me to the idea of a chastity device. We have never used anything like this. I know this will not
    prevent me from viewing porn, but at least it might remove the gratification since erections are restricted and masturbation is much more difficult. Speak of that, I was in a daily habit of masturbation that, since being discovered, I am now trying to break. It seems that the device will be a constant reminder to me of the behavior that I am trying to stop while helping me be more mindful of her at all times. This might help convince her that my loving intentions are authentic and not just trying to have sex at the time.

    Here is the problem: Can I trust her to be my only sexual outlet? Her level of sexual desire runs low and has been an ongoing source of contention, probably feeding the desire for me to resort to porn and masturbation. She "says" that she is willing to have sex twice a week which would suit me fine. I am concerned that if I turn over the keys to her, she will not be as sexually responsive as I need her to be, and will only result in me becoming more frustrated since I will be locked up.

    Since chastity is new to me, I have been experimenting with self-locking in secret during business hours while she is at work. This is mainly to prove to myself that I can handle being locked up. I have basically been locked 9am-5pm Monday-Friday for a couple weeks now.

    The cage is comfortable enough, but having it on causes me to think about sex even more. I end up tracking how many hours I have been locked and how many days it has been since our last sexual encounter. When she withholds for more than a week, I get depressed, anxious, and frustrated. I am sure that reduces her interest even further. If we go more than a week and I am locked 24x7, I might lose my cool.

    What do you think? Could this be a big mistake -or- could it actually be the "key" to helping restore the relationship? Are the things I am feeling about being locked just normal stages to go through before you get used to it and it becomes a normal part of the lifestyle?

    Thank you for your insights!
     
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  2. L=Locked
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    L=Locked Member

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    Gomer, you sound a great deal like me and my situation. I wish I could give you more helpful information or guidance, but my concern is equal to yours.

    In my research, it seems the fear you have of being ignored is not rare. Seems it's actually a very real event.

    Best advice is communication - unsure if she's willing to have a frank and open conversation about chastity. I know my wife is somewhat willing but based on our conversations it seems labored and is difficult to read her true position.

    So, like you, I have a device that I wear in secret. Not a big fan of keeping secrets from her, so I continue to bring up the topic until it becomes less embarrassing or difficult for her to discuss. My wife is OK with me purchasing one, but as of now, is unaware I already have it.

    I suspect the reason my wife is not really communicating fully is because of embarrassment. No clue on your unique situation, but best advice I've read is communication is key.

    If your wife got upset with you viewing porn, I'm suspecting when this comes out, her hurt could be magnified.

    Only you know your wife and your situation.

    Best of luck to you in your journey with hopes of not being ignored.

    Please keep posts of your outcome when your device comes to light as I will.
     
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  3. Knox_
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    Knox_ Active member

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    I am surprised that masturbating or watching porn is a problem in relationships. Even if you are married. I suppose it can be traced back to cultural differences, but even in a good marriage, I don't think it's wrong to experience your own sexuality during masturbation or watching porn. Unless you have made other agreements together. In my opinion, this is healthy and normal. It seems to me that it would be useful to talk about this together. How you both see this topic and how you want to experience your sexuality with and without each other. And where is the line of cheating?Masturbation and watching porn is not cheating in my opinion. Chastity can improve your sex life but only if you are both in to it and both see the fun and the value of it. Chastity to get rid of the differences in perception or sex drive will not help in my opinion and will only lead to frustration. On both sides. In a good relationship it is good to communicate openly about expectations and needs. However it can be difficult and painful. Good luck!
     
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  4. tecolote
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    tecolote Long term member

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    Chastity will give her control. Whether she is open to taking control is not a guarantee. Most vanilla wives don't see the benefit for them, and it might be a hard sell....

    But if she does take control, then she will be in charge of the sex schedule. You may find yourself having sex twice a year rather than twice a week. If she takes control, you can only trust that she will do what she wants.

    Don't put the vegetarian in charge of the barbecues if you need steak twice a week.
     
  5. Straponlover79
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    Straponlover79 Active member

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    Just pitcher to her.
    I had the same lroblem masturbating daily with the help.of pornhub.
    I saw it as a priblem en fixed itbwit chastity.
    Since feb-21 had 16 orgasms normale it was a minimum if one a day

    I did and mybwifebis 100% vanilla.
    She sea the bennifits and takes a motbif use of it.

    Oure sexlife is beter then ever.
    Even if i notborgasm weekly
     
  6. Lakeman
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    Lakeman Long term member

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    Hi @Gomer , we started our chastity adventures in our 50s, been at it for four years now. We have sex twice a week, but I haven’t had an orgasm in over 3 months, as I’ve been locked up all that time. Lots of orgasms for her, teasing for me, cuddles and intimacy. It’s sexy, it’s great.

    I’ve changed my view on what sex entails as part of this journey, my penis, my orgasm is secondary and isn’t necessary for a great sex life. Chastity puts her on control of what we do and when, it takes the pressure off the woman to “give” her husband sex and orgams, which is all about him. We found it great during menopause when her sex drive disappeared for about a year, and with a common imbalance in ongoing sex drive between us (mine is higher) we’ve found this to be a happy place. We’ll never back to how things were before.

    Give it a go, it might surprise you. Communication is key, talk to each other about it.
     
  7. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    What do you think? You know her best.

    If you are rebuilding trust, introducing a kink now, may not be the best timing. Solve the original problem first before you introduce what could be another problem. Do everything you can to rebuild and earn her trust first.

    If you intend to proceed, you need to decide what it is you will be asking for. Do you want to try chastity as kinky play in its own right? Or, do you want to pursue a FLR? Know what you are asking for. If she agrees, you may loose control. So be prepared to suck it up without complaint.

    If you want to be feminized, you’d better get that out in the open right away.

    When you present it to her, don’t try to sell it with phoney-baloney. Women are skilled communicators and can spot a phoney line right off. If you do, and she is suspicious, you have damaged her trust, perhaps forever.

    Just tell her you want to try it and need her help. Straight up. She will think you are going off the deep end. She will be confused. Women that jump right in with both feet are rare. Maybe in stories, not so much in real life. Remember, she wants the man she married. You are rocking her boat.

    She won’t want to read books or web sites. Maybe later. Not now.

    If she agrees, you must be on your best behavior. You are building trust again. Let her lead, even if you are sure she has forgotten you. Do try to share time communicating on a regular basis, maybe over a glass of wine. Be positive and supportive. Just try and tell her she is doing it wrong and see where that gets you.

    This is maybe the most difficult conversation a guy will have short of asking her out on the first date. Only, you know her better now. And, only you know how she might react.
     
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  8. Gomer
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    Gomer New member

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    Thank you all so much for your feedback!

    The truth is, she has always been in charge of sex anyway. Since I have had a much stronger sex drive over the years, my attempts at initiating sex usually do not go anywhere but I can't turn it off. It has created a behavior pattern where I must wait until it is her idea. The movie-style moments where sex is natural, impulsive, or organic are extremely rare.

    The chastity device would accomplish several objectives:
    1. Helps me control my urge for porn and masturbation. This issue is very touchy to discuss. In her mind, porn is a form of cheating and I cannot change that.
    2. Gives her some level of confidence that I will not return to my old ways with porn since it is not as tempting when the ability to have erections and masturbate is restrained.
    3. Formalizes her control of my sexuality.
    4. Her seeing the device on a daily basis would be a constant reminder of my commitment to her.
    5. Seeing the device daily reminds her that my package is locked up and needs to come out and play often.

    I don't think either of us wants a FLR. I think she would like the control, but may not want to carry the responsibility for the sexual part of the relationship. She may not want to admit it, but she has already been in control. Reminds me of a t-shirt I saw one time that said "I have the p*ssy, I make the rules!".

    If all of this gives her increased trust, confidence, and control, while establishing a fairly regular sex routine then it will be a great success.
     
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  9. L=Locked
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    L=Locked Member

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    Gomer, Seems like you might have things figured out. But you know reality might toss in a curve ball. Like Xilea noted, you may have to suck it up regardless of the outcome of her position.

    Best you can do is open a clear line of communication and hope for the best. Many of your points do make sense, I'll integrate those in my discussion with my wife next week when i get back in town.

    From what my research appears to reflect, even 100% vanilla women grow into the concept. Though, maybe not how our male fantasies have envisioned them. How fast or through they embrace the concept seems to be keyed to the willingness to not push any agenda.

    Somewhat, go forward discuss/outline, hopes and desires, but then shut up and follow.

    Not suggesting I'm correct, but in my own world, helping you is helping me with my discussion. Thank you for sharing!

    Good luck and I do wish you well and am looking forward to your report.
     
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  10. Isopropylforyou
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    Isopropylforyou Long term member

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    You need to modify your sexual behavior so that any sexual gratification comes from her and her alone. So that your mind associates any type of sexual acts with your Wife.

    That is what I am doing right now.

    I erased all my porn accounts and closed any memberships I had.

    I now ask for permission to masterbate and follow the answer.

    I self lock as soon as I get home from work and unlock when I wake up in the morning. This reminds me of the promise I made.

    I text Her sweet notes or messages about how much I love Her and what She means to me.

    I do all of this to condition my mind to associate any type of sexual pleasure with my wife.

    It is starting to work.

    If granted permission to masterbate, I often cannot do it or even get hard because my Wife is not there. Its rather strange and frustrating but when we make love, it is so much better for the both of us.

    Just my 2 cents

    Iso.
     
  11. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    Your points are well thought out, except for this one. You should consider giving up on this one. Let her decide without expectations.

    We were in the same situation and were having serious problems. Since she gained control, our sex life is more frequent and intense. Chastity does seem to work. We are both much happier and satisfied.

    You have your presentation points figured out. Don’t make a big deal of selling it and how much better it will be for her. Just lay it out and say you want to try with her help. She wants to make you happy too. If she says yes, let her lead and see what happens. It can take time.

    Good luck!
     
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  12. Open2njoy
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    Open2njoy Long term member

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    The frequency increased for me too - for about a year. Then it leveled off and became less often as she discovered that the longer I was kept caged or released only to be edged kept me more attentive to her and her pleasures.
     
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  13. tecolote
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    tecolote Long term member

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    I
    f you are in a cage, you can expect to be more focused on sex, kink, and even porn than ever. You just won't be able to touch yourself as easily.
     
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  14. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    I’d offer it as part of a more complete solution. I’d offer the cage along with giving her parental controls over your electronic devices. Tell her you want her to be your sole outlet for all things sexual and that you need help. Don’t bring up any of the other kink stuff that goes along with chastity. She unlocks you when she wants to as often as she wants to.
     
  15. enslavedbyc
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    enslavedbyc Junior Member

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    First, there is nothing wrong with porn and or masturbation and before you go any further you've got to have a honest conversation about your sex life. Masturbation is only a problem if you can't meet her sexual needs and her frequency of needing sex. Now if she upset because she wasn't given a chance to participate in your porn watching or to participate in mutual masturbation. That's a different story and you need to fix that.

    Chastity? You should put that in the box of "fun things we might want to explore", and you should be intensely interested an any fun things she might like to explore.

    The above is my opinion.

    This is coming from a Mid-fifties couple married a very long time and we are both kinky as hell, but we both new that from very early in the relationship.
     
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  16. Gomer
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    Gomer New member

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    Okay, I think I am going to go for it. This weekend I will present a gift wrapped set of keys. When she opens them and asks what they are for, I will describe what they go to, how the device works, and some ideas of how we could incorporate it. Then I set back and listen to her reaction.

    Either she will think I am a complete sex freak and run or she will appreciate my offer to humble myself and give her some control. I am pretty nervous about the talk, but I will definitely not push it hard. Especially since I am not even sure if I will freak out after being locked around the clock for more than a few days.
     
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  17. Dr MBogo
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    Dr MBogo You heard the lady! In you go.....

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    Here is the problem: Can I trust her to be my only sexual outlet? Her level of sexual desire runs low and has been an ongoing source of contention, probably feeding the desire for me to resort to porn and masturbation. She "says" that she is willing to have sex twice a week which would suit me fine. I am concerned that if I turn over the keys to her, she will not be as sexually responsive as I need her to be, and will only result in me becoming more frustrated since I will be locked up.

    ![/QUOTE]

    I think a bigger problem might be communication. She was hurt emotionally, because she saw you looking at porn and/or masturbating? Really? The VAST majority of American adults masturbate at some point, and a smaller % (but still a majority) watch porn. If she was not aware of that, and/or is somehow upset by it, you may need to work on your relationship on a more fundamental level.
     
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  18. Isopropylforyou
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    Isopropylforyou Long term member

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    You are about to completely change your entire dynamic.

    Having your Penis locked will completely change your way of thinking.

    When I started, I could not believe how much I began to desire my Wife again. It was like it was when we first started dating. It really brought the passion back for us.

    I just cannot stop thinking about her.

    My advice is to start and see when the path leads. No expectations, just sit back, relax and go where it takes you.

    You are starting a new journey together.

    Just enjoy the ride.

    Iso.
     
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  19. enslavedbyc
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    enslavedbyc Junior Member

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    Reply to your objectives?

    1. No it won't. If you can't discuss porn, fantasies and sex with her you will not likely be able to achieve any of your chastity goals. If you can't talk about the above, she's not likely to do chastity your way.
    2. What makes you think chastity doesn't make porn and masturbation more tempting (I've been at this more than 3 decades).
    3. Yes.
    4. Yes.
    5. ...OR "great look how docile and well behaved he is in chastity, I have Zero desire to let him out.

    Fix the communication, fix your sex life, then you might find a way to enjoy chastity together.

    By the way if you think she's pissed about porn wait till she finds out you've been locking up in secret.
     
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  20. tecolote
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    tecolote Long term member

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    I strongly suggest talking about orgasm control prior to presenting the keys to the family jewels. Just orgasm control, as in you promise not to orgasm without permission, and in exchange, she meets you halfway, and realizes that your libido is much higher than hers.

    Orgasm control is a baby step in the general direction of chastity, but without the scary looking equipment. I obviously don't know your wife, but she sounds like the sort of lady who isn't ready for chastity. Take it slow. Don't spook her!
     
  21. Lady elizabeths sub
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    Lady elizabeths sub Active member

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    Youve started on the road and as im sure many will agree here.... Once you start, no matter how many times you put it down and walk away from the device its all you can think about lol

    Talk talk talk, slow and steady my friend enjoy the ride, im glad i started in my early 20s but im sure the thrill never goes away.
     
  22. true42
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    true42 Owned member

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    You are diving into the deep end. Don't be surprised if things don't go well, but also don't be surprised if things do go well.

    Other people have tried to explain that you are lacking in communication with your wife. It's never too late to start, so don't sweat that, but you should start now. More importantly than locking your penis up is to learn to be open and honest with your wife. (I'm still learning. A billion times better than I was, but that isn't saying too much ...)

    For example, "Dear, I am truly sorry about the porn and the masturbating. I'm a guy, so I've been masturbating xxx times a week since I was xxx years old. I'm a guy, so I love seeing naked women, even if I have no intention of ever cheating on you. But I value you dearly, and I'm willing to try something absolutely crazy to make you happy and to feel more secure."

    (I'm not suggesting that you say that. It's just one example. You need to do you.)

    The best parts of chastity are the honesty and the attention you will learn to give her. The worst parts of chastity are having to give up all control over your sexual life. Sorry, mate, but that's how it goes. A few years ago I was having sex 5-10 times a week and masturbating to fill in that gap, and now ... um ... not so much.

    But be honest. Let her know your needs, but also learn to listen and to respect what she tells you. Value her; let her feel it, sense it, experience it.
     
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  23. Robins toy
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    Robins toy Active member

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    I have been reading this over the past few days and have been quiet about my thoughts. But, I'll chime in.

    We, so often, try to "fix" the problems on the inside with things from the outside. Hence people having a baby, getting engaged, married, locking their genitals up, etc. to "make things better. These solutions rarely work.

    My wife and I had a relationship that other people look at and envied. I simply wanted something that made me concentrate more on her. That's how we got to where we are today. Most of the "success stories" you read on here had that same type of relationship that they built their chastity lifestyle, etc, on.


    You, sir, remind me of the violinist of the Titanic......looking at the doomed situation and making it as enjoyable as possible as you ride it to the cold depths of oblivion. I hope I'm wrong, but I doubt it.

    You both need to be honest with each other. REALLY honest. Like, soul bearing and showing the most raw parts of yourself honest!

    Then you both need to be even more honest with yourself......

    I don't want to imply that there is nothing salvageable in the relationship that you have described. However, the relationship will probably look NOTHING like anything either of you thought it ever would be on the other side of the salvage operation that you need to perform. Honestly, neither of you, as participants in the relationship, will closely resemble the people who are living this relationship today!

    A relationship is, by definition, more than one entity. If she will participate in the process of salvaging it, and you're both honest, you can have a relationship that is far beyond your wildest dreams! Who knows, you may even be able to keep the privilege of controlling your own penis!

    I simply can't fathom a relationship that doesn't reciprocate affection, even if it is sexless. Unless you are a true masochist, you will still be left unfulfilled in your relationship, as you currently present it.

    It's free internet advice, and worth everything you pay for it!

    Godspeed, my friend
     
  24. cshorts
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    cshorts Locked in love for SL

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    I agree with may above, the biggest issue is communication. Two way, with active and open listening.

    As far as what you might experience, there are a million variations. My situation: me 61, her 55, very loving 29 year relationship, good sex but very vanilla before we started chastity (nearly 3 years ago).

    What I experienced: frequency of sex for me (her playing with my body) didn't change for the first two years (once a week, scheduled). Frequency of sex for her increased to several times a week (the increase being mostly oral from me). In the past 6 months things have picked up: she now physically teases (or punishes) me several times a week, and orgasms for her are pretty much daily, sometimes morning and night. Increasingly kinky (over the 3 years, slow but steady): now regular discipline (crop thrashings, CBT), regular though not frequent pegging, lots of nipple torture, some bondage (me sub, her domme).

    Sex for me: almost never involves orgasm: averaging maybe once every three months. But: that strokes my kink. As others have said, I think about and crave sex more than ever: being turned on all the time and rarely allowed to cum is very exciting and fun (albeit frustrating!). So you may find you cum a lot less, but find your sex life more satisfying.

    A key thing for us, I believe: by being locked up, she doesn't feel pressured to give me sex, and that has allowed her to relax and become more comfortable with her own sexuality. She enjoys it more, I enjoy it more (even though I cum much much less often).
     
  25. handsolo
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    handsolo Long term member

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    Yup. I was immediately struck with the idea that if she's upset you're viewing porn, trying to use that to leverage her into entertaining a kink you found from watching porn is going to go really badly.
     
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