Light at the End of Tunnel

Missy told me to write about Saturday night because she still isn’t ready to talk about it but she wants everyone to know she was able to keep her hardest promise. It was the most wonderful night for both of us but Sunday she was in a very bad place. She is still hurting some today. I wish I understood her, even just a little. Right now I want to hold her and tell her how much I love her and that everything will be alright. But she can’t talk to me about it at all. All I can do is hold her and tell her I love her. I feel helpless. So anyway this is what happened.

Saturday was a warm, sunny day and it finally felt like spring. Missy looked out and there were the bluets blooming and the daffodils were poking up green leaves and some had blooms. We spent several hours out tending the garden. There were some of last year’s leaves to rake and weeds to pull and fertilizer to sprinkle. I am not normally a garden person but it was a nice day and good to be outside and most of all Missy was giggly happy. She was raking and had on old jeans and an old tee shirt. Her hair was a mess and she hadn’t put on any makeup. She had this fantastic smile going on and something about her was absolutely alluring. A kind of girl next door innocence. I got up and kissed her right there in the garden. She asked what was that all about. I said it was just because you look so cute. She said you’re just trying to get out of pulling weeds. I went back to pulling. She kind of looked at herself and laughed and said, “You’re crazy but thank you anyway.” When we finished late in the afternoon I suggested we clean up and I would take her out to dinner.

We were eating when the owner of the diner saw me and recognized me. He had come to me earlier in the week with a broken knob from his stove and his supplier was not going to be able to get a new one for 2 to 3 weeks. Someone told him I had a 3-D printer and could probably make him one. So I did and when he came back later to pick it up I didn’t charge him because he was a local business struggling under covid rules. He came to our table and said dinner was on him. I protested a little but accepted his generous offer. When we finished we were not going to have desert but the owner showed up with his signature cheesecake and put a piece down for me and the “beautiful lady.” Missy just beamed and said thank you. When he left I asked why he could call her beautiful and I can’t. She said, “It isn’t about sex when he says it.” I was actually smart enough to keep my mouth shut this time. We did leave a big tip.

When we got home we puttered a little and then Missy got out a flower catalog and was at the table and wanted me to help pick out some annuals for the garden. I told her it’s too early for annuals because we can get frost till May. She insisted it was time to start picking stuff out though. Then she said why don’t I get us a glass of wine and bring it over here? I got a whole lesson on horticulture and we had a second glass of wine

About 9:30 she said she was tired and we should turn in early so we went upstairs. She mumbled something about the muscles that haven’t been used all winter and then she went and sat on my side of the bed and said, “I could really use a foot rub.” I grabbed the lotion and took off her shoes and socks. I rubbed her feet and then ran my fingers on the soles and she flailed and giggled and said firmly, “no tickling, just rubbing.” Then she stood up and said that usually I do her legs too and I should take her slacks off and do her legs. I did and I enjoyed sliding my hands down her legs as I removed her slacks. After a couple of minutes of rubbing her calves she said the whole leg, it’s all sore. I started to massage the thigh and she pulled my hand all the way up against her panties and said the “whole leg.” I suddenly realized there was more going on than just a foot and leg rub. I was careful not to push and kept telling myself to let her guide me. After a few minutes she asked, “do I do shoulders too?” I said, “I would love to, are they sore? “She said yes why don’t you take my blouse off and rub my arms and shoulders? I was now sure what was happening. If I was careful and let her set the pace this was going to be a wonderful night. As I rubbed her shoulders I slipped the bra straps down over her arms and in two or three minutes she stood up and turned her back to me. She said take the bra off and you can do my back. I unfastened it and slipped it off, gently running my hands along the sides of her breasts as I did. As soon as the bra was off and lying on the floor she said you may as well take the panties off too and you can do my whole back. I slid her panties down enjoying the feel of her thighs and then she laid down on the bed on her tummy. I rubbed her back all the way to her feet and she made gentle, purring sounds like she was truly enjoying it. About ten minutes later she rolled over on her back and asked if I would like to rub the rest of her. I started to massage her abdomen with one hand and her chest above her breasts with the other. When I brought the top hand down between her breasts she said’ “it’s alright, rub my breasts.” Then she added that I could kiss them and suck on them too. As I did she spread her legs just slightly and with my left hand I gently rubbed her Vagina and it got moist quickly. Then she gently pushed my head down, spread her legs a little more and I kissed and licked her for a minute or so. Now she was getting very wet and I was afraid I would give her an orgasm. I also realized I had a problem.. She was ready for me to have intercourse and I still had all my clothes on. I stood up and started to take my shirt off. She rolled up on her side took the key from her neck and laid it on the edge of the bed. She undid my belt and the zipper. I managed to push my shoes off with my feet and got my pants and underwear down and off and unlocked my cage. She rolled onto her back and spread her legs. The intercourse was amazing for both of us. It scared me a little because she had an orgasm. She wrapped her arms and legs around me so tight and she didn’t release me until I was already starting to get limp inside her. I came up and just held her tight for a minute or so without saying a word. Finally I was able to say I love you and I kissed her and then kissed her face and neck and started to make love to her in that special way. It wasn’t very long till she pressed her body tight against me, her breathing stopped for what seemed like forever, her face got very warm, and she went limp in my arms and I was doing all the holding. After a couple minutes she held me again and we kissed a long kiss. I rolled over on my back and pulled her onto me with her head on my shoulder. I told her I loved her so and …and she interrupted, “ don’t say a word, just hold me tight.” Before I knew it she was asleep. It felt like there were tears on my shoulder but it felt so good holding her. There we were, naked in each other’s arms, lying on top of the covers, room lights still on, and both of us so peaceful.

She woke up first on Sunday morning. She rolled out of bed and told me I could lie there and relax while she took her shower. She grabbed fresh underwear out of her dresser and scampered into the bathroom. I am sure I saw her wipe tears from her eyes as she did. When she came back out in her bra and panties she climbed on the bed just enough to reach over and give me a little kiss. She quietly said, “I finally kept my hardest promise and you were wonderful.” Her eyes and cheeks were definitely damp. I started to speak and she put her fingers over my mouth and said, “Don’t talk, just enjoy the moment.” Then she turned into the school teacher. She told me if I got my butt in gear and got my shower and dressed we could probably have breakfast before we went to church. She told me to bring the dirty clothes off the floor and the bed spread down to the laundry when I come down. And then she said, “don’t forget the cage.” We ate breakfast. As we were getting ready for church I started to say how wonderful last night was but before I got more than a couple words out she put her fingers over my mouth and told me not to say a word. I just put my arms around her and held her for a minute.

She didn’t want to talk about that night at all on Sunday and she was…I don’t know how to describe it except anxious, or nervous, or fidgety all day. At one point I asked her if she wanted to post about our wonderful night online. She looked at me very irritated and sharply said, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Sunday night she wanted to go to bed early. I was undressed and she was in the bathroom and she started to cry and said, “I forgot my nightgown.” I rushed over to get it from the headboard to take to her and by the time I picked it up she was coming out of the bathroom in just her panties with tears streaming down her face. She said, I didn’t turn the corner! It’s just a big lie! I’m so sorry!” She ran the last couple of steps to me and threw her arms around me and I put my arms around her. She was sobbing and said, “I am so scared. I don’t deserve you but please say you still love me.” I said, “I love you so much. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I’d be lost without you. I’ll love you forever.” And anything else I could think to say. She just leaned against me sobbing and saying, “I’m so sorry. I love you so.” After a little while she said, “I need to lie on your shoulder. I need you to hold me so tight and don’t ever let go.” She was still crying uncontrollably. Somehow I got us onto the bed while still holding her with one arm. Her nightie had fallen to the floor. I managed to lie down and pull the sheet up over us and pulled her against me with her head on my shoulder. She just laid there sobbing and saying tell me you love me. I held her as tightly as I could. Normally having her body pressed against me with her head on my shoulder is a wonderful feeling but this was the worst I have ever felt. The night before she had made me the happiest man in the world and I couldn’t even comfort her as she laid there hurting so bad. I’m supposed to protect her from harm and pain and I felt so helpless. She cried for a very long time and then finally it slowed and she relaxed some and went to sleep. I mostly catnapped and each time I woke up she was still in my arms and sleeping quietly. Finally about 3 or 4 o’clock I got to sleep and when I woke in the morning she was still in my arms on my shoulder and peaceful.

When she got up she seemed a little better and I asked her if she was okay. She said holding her helped last night and she’ll be busy at work so she will be alright. I said, “you know I will always love you.” She said sharply, “don’t say anything else. I love you too. So much.” As she left for work she said I should put something in the journal because she is never going to be able to do it and the people need to know she at least kept her hardest promise.

So I wrote this up on the computer and when I finished I realized I had just relived the whole weekend “in black and white” and it was extremely graphic. And it was both wonderful and painful. I decided I better let her see it before I post it so I will see if she is willing to look at it or least talk about it a little after supper tonight.

After supper I told her I had written something for the blog but it came out very graphic and I wanted her approval before I post it. She said, “ I really can’t look at it. But it will be alright. These people don’t know me. There is no way they can tell my mother.” She started to cry and all I could do was hold her as tight as I could. I could tell tears were streaming down her face. After a few minutes her crying started to subside. Then I thought of something. I told her I would clean up the kitchen and if she wanted she could go upstairs and talk to her bear. She wiped her eyes and said, “that would be good, thank you.” She went upstairs. I cleaned up the supper dishes and came in here and spent a long time deciding what to do about posting. I could not think of a way to tell the story without telling the whole story so I finally decided to post it.

 

He understands me more than he knows. I love him so much.

 

Missy talked to her bear for almost an hour and then came downstairs. I think she felt a little better. She asked if she could read what I posted. So I got up and let her sit at the computer. She actually smiled a little most of the way and then she got teary. She typed that one sentence and posted it and said she needed to do a couple more things tonight. I should just stay here and take my time. She gave me a little kiss and left the room. She was still a little teary. She obviously isn’t ready to talk about what is wrong except not wanting her mother finding out. If talking to her bear helped maybe it is time she talked to Jane. We haven’t seen Dick and Jane in at least 3 weeks. Tomorrow night I am going to have her call Jane and invite them over for dinner and a little cards one night. If the girls want to talk I am sure Dick and I can find something to do.

 

At supper I suggested that we hadn’t seen Dick and Jane in a while and maybe after supper she could call Jane and invite them over for dinner and maybe some cards one night this week. While I was putting supper dishes away she called. She and Jane talked for what must have been a half hour or more. When she got off she said they were going to come over Saturday and I could do streaks on the grill. I felt a little disappointed it wasn’t going to be till the end of the week but okay, at least it was going to happen. Then she very off-handedly said, “Oh by the way I’m going to be late tomorrow. Jane invited me to have supper with them.” Then she gave me a kind of knowing smile and told me that was a good idea. I told her that was fine, I would just get a pizza for supper.

Last night after she talked to her bear she was a little better and when we went to bed she asked me to rub her back. I did and I kissed her neck and hair and she didn’t object but she never really relaxed and after a few minutes she said, “it’s alright. Can I sleep on your shoulder anyway?” I pulled her over on me and I think she slept pretty peacefully. I wish I could help her through this.

 

You are right Headtrip but right now it is about emotions.

 

Last night she got home somewhere around 8:30. She looked quite happy. I gave her a hug and kiss and asked her how her visit was. She said it was really nice. I asked her what they talked about. She said, “just girl talk.” I told her there were still a couple pieces of pizza left if she would like one and she said no she had a good supper with Dick and Jane. Then she said a glass of wine might taste good. She sat down on the couch in front of the boob tube while I got us each a glass. We didn’t watch any TV. We talked about our days at work and what we had to do tomorrow but not a word about what Jane might have said to her. We eventually went up to bed. I did my bathroom stuff first while she got out of her work clothes and was in her bra and panties when I came out. She grabbed her night gown off the headboard and headed for the bathroom but set her nightie on the dresser as she went by. When she came out I was already in the bed. She stopped in front of the big dresser and took off her bra, very slowly. She set it on the dresser. I could see her in the mirror of course and she is so ….. I know she could see me in the mirror watching because I could see her eyes and a smile that said I know you are looking. Then she half turned toward me as she put the nightgown on. She paused a moment by the bed and looked at me for a few seconds and finally climbed into bed and said, “make love to me but don’t do anything sexual.” She seemed almost hesitant, like she was afraid I would fondle her too much. We spent several minutes making love to her in her special way. She never got a Fuzzy but we had a melt in my arms moment. I was feeling not only good but even relieved. She was obviously feeling better and I felt like we were back to our normal. Then when I went to turn on my back and put her on my shoulder she said, “No! Spoon me!” and she rolled up on her side. I put my arm around her waist and pulled her close. She said, “closer.” I pulled her as tight as I could. Then she took my arm from her waist and pulled it up so it rested on her breasts with my hand on the top side of one breast. She said, “don’t say a word, be still, and go to sleep.” She fell asleep in no time.

In the morning I thought I woke up first and I noticed my hand had dropped down so it was cupping her breast and my palm could feel the slightly erect nipple through the satin nightie. I started to carefully move it down to her waist and it turned out she was awake. She said no, leave it there. It feels nice. I put it back and I think the nipple was even harder. I said I love you. She said, “I know and I love you too. Now be quiet and be still. We don’t have to get up for at least 15 more minutes.”

When we got down to breakfast she seemed a little on edge. I asked her if everything was okay. She started to say, “I don’t know” and then changed it to “I’m fine.” That was it. She wouldn’t say any more. After breakfast she gave me just a quicky kiss and left for work.

As she drove away I was thinking what an amazing contradiction this woman is. Her body is so responsive and she seems to feel such pleasant arousal and pleasure from the slightest stimulation. But then something kicks in and brings pain or fear or maybe shame that can bother her for hours or days. She is uncomfortable if I notice her beauty but then there are moments when she uses her beauty to toy with me like last night in the mirror. It is like her body and brain are in two different worlds. Her body craves physical love and attention but the brain detests it. I may never understand her but I sure do love her.

 

Dear Hubby,

I am only going to discuss one thing in this week’s letter and unfortunately it is not exactly what you think it is or want to hear but maybe not a big surprise.. This is very hard to even write.

That Saturday was the best night of my life and Sunday was the worst day of my life. It actually felt wonderful the way you touched me and undressed me so gently and sensually and we made love twice that night. Not once for you and once for me. Twice for both of us. Even the sex felt amazing. And when I melted in your arms it was the perfect ending. But when you put my head on your shoulder I felt so good I actually got scared. That is why I couldn’t let you say any more than “I love you.” But then you held me so tight and I relaxed again and fell asleep. Sunday morning it all seemed so wrong. I felt as if I had broken every one of the commandments. I felt terrible all day. And it just got worse as the day went on. The only saving grace was I could at least say I kept my hardest promise. Sunday night it hit me very hard. I realized I haven’t changed at all. After your birthday I had told you and the world I had, but it was all a lie. I am still that same scared, messed up woman who will never be able to show you the love you deserve so much. I was truly frightened. I have been on edge all week but after talking to Jane I felt some better and I wanted to make up for the way I acted Sunday night. I teased you a little and was going to let you take the cage off and make love. I got to the bed and I froze. It was selfish of me to ask you to just love me my way when I couldn’t make love to you but I suddenly needed to know you love me anyway. You showed me so much love and I felt good and that is why I wanted you to at least be able to touch me. In the morning, your hand on my breast felt so good and I knew my nipple was hard. I wanted you to rub my breast but all I could say was be still. I was still so scared. It is all too hard. I am so sorry. I don’t want to ever lose you.

Thank you for having me talk to Bear and especially to Jane. That helped. I asked Jane to tell you what was going on in my mind Saturday because I didn’t know how to. I am not sure I even know what is. But I have to figure this out myself.

Thank you for asking me if I just wanted to be held this Saturday night. I am not sure I could have had sex without hurting you even more. You held me so gently and so close, and you caressed me so gently you didn’t even need to say you loved me but you said it anyway. It helped. I know next Saturday is my period but I hope by our anniversary I will be back to where we were. I promise I will try to make it as good as I can for you. Please be patient with me.

I was sitting here trying to figure out how to tell you without hurting you that I will never be able to make love to you that way again because it has been too hard for me. I had lectured you about not being willing to settle and now I was going to have tell you it was just another big lie. That Your three Saturday nights a month are all I will ever be able to give you. You had your music playing and I heard a lyric. It was “The going up was worth the coming down.” It made me think back to how high we both felt that night, how wonderful we both felt. How good the orgasm felt. And how I felt so close to you as we made love. Then I recalled the rest of what I said in that lecture. Anything that is worth anything involves some pain. Then I remembered I asked you to share my pain so I could share your passion. Hubby, I am not ready to give up! I don’t know how or when or even if I can, but I want this to happen again. Please understand the days after will be very hard and know that you may have to hold me a little longer and a little tighter and I will cry. But it will be worth every one of my tears. Please be patient. Right now I am crying but for the first time all week I am happy. Scared to death but happy. I know I am a really screwed up mess and there is no way you can possibly understand what is going on in my mind but just believe me when I say I love you and want you and need you more than ever.

I cannot talk to you about this letter face to face. Please understand and please do not respond to it or say anything about it. I will post this letter in the morning and you can read it while I am at work. If I have to hand it to you or watch you read it I know I will break down and cry.

I love you so much.

Missy

 

I came home from work and Hubby gave me a big hug and kiss and said supper wasn’t ready yet. I’d been okay at work when I was busy but driving home those thoughts just go through my head. I went upstairs and changed into my comfy sweat pants and Tee shirt. I talked to Bear for a few minutes. When I came down he handed me his weekly letter.

I read it and just started to bawl. He took me in his arms and laid my head on his shoulder and I just started saying stuff. “ I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I’m going, I’m such a mess, I don’t know anything, I don’t know why you love me.” And I don’t know what else. Hubby didn’t say anything. He just held me tighter. He held me quietly and pressed my head against his shoulder while I cried for several minutes and then I started to get my composure back. I knew it was going to be okay. I stopped crying and I lifted my head and we shared a long wonderful kiss. When he finally released me I said, “I needed to hear that. I love you so.” He just said I know you do and I love you. Then he said he had to get busy because he hadn’t even started supper yet.

I decided I had to post all this while he gets supper ready. I am copying his letter word for word because it means so much to me at this moment.

Dear Missy,

I love you more than life itself and I want to be here for you SO badly. So I am asking three things of you..

1 When you need to be held, please let me hold you.

2 When you need to be heard, please let me listen.

3 When you need to cry. please find my shoulder to cry on.

I may not be able to help you but you never have to feel alone. Knowing how much you love me makes my world a wonderful and special place.

Love always,

Hubby

My letter must have seemed cold and distant but I didn’t mean it to be. I was so frightened and at rock bottom when I wrote it. It must have been hard for him to read. This whole week must have been as hard for him as it was for me. He obviously felt like he wasn’t able to be there for me, like I was shutting him out. But he was there for me in so many ways he doesn’t even know. I am so sorry I don’t know how to tell him how much he did for me this week.

I still need to figure this out myself. Nobody can help me do this. It is just who I am. That may be the only thing I know about who I am. But I do know I can lean on him till I get my head on straight. He loves me so much. I’m finally not scared.

I am going to do everything I can to make his world a wonderful and special place.

Hubby has his country song list playing on Alexa. I am not a big country fan but there are some songs I really like and one just came on. It is “You Say it Best When You Say Nothing at All.” It is so perfect. Tonight he just held me and didn’t say a word and I’m starting to tear up again. Sometimes he understands me so well. Sorry for indulging you but I am a great believer in signs from above. This is the second one in two days.

 

We became eligible for the vaccine this week. Missy really wanted to get it as soon as possible because she goes to the office everyday. They still have the extreme rules in place but she wanted the shot anyway. We both got our shots today. So far no side effects. We get our second shot in 4 weeks.

 

I told Hubby it might be good if I wrote about our anniversary and asked him to come sit with me while I did. I told him not to say anything or help me write it. I just needed him there in case I started to cry or couldn’t do it.

Saturday Morning Hubby reminded me that Sunday was our 6th anniversary and since it wasn’t like a 5th or 10th we didn’t have to do anything special. I said, “You mean like make love?” He said, “Touché.” We both laughed. He has been saying for months he wants to get an ATV for riding around in our back acreage and on some trails that a local club maintains. I always roll my eyes and tell him I don’t need another way for him to get hurt. So when they delivered a bright red one with a big bow on it Saturday afternoon he was blown away. I told him he had to be super careful and he couldn’t ride it till he went down and got a helmet on Monday. Then he said he better give me my gift now since he got his. It is a gorgeous, diamond tennis bracelet with a mix of baguettes and big princess cut diamonds. He knows how much I love sparkly things. So much for an unimportant anniversary.

About ten o’clock he started hinting we should head up to bed and I kept putting him off, finding little things to do first .When it was almost 11:30 I said it was time to go to bed and we went upstairs. I turned the covers down, gave him his key and told him to get undressed and wait there for me next to the bed and I went into the bathroom. I left my nightie on the headboard. I came back out totally naked (Not easy for me) and went over to him and put my arms around him and we shared a big kiss. Then while we held each other I went all school teacher on him. I said that he was going to lay me on the bed and make love to me my way. He would have to do it slowly and sensuously because it had to last until midnight. At midnight I would make love to him and he would have his Saturday night sex on our anniversary. He smiled this huge smile and asked, “who is this take charge woman? I love her.”

Hubby laid me on the bed so gently and he got in and started to caress my back and kiss my neck and I started to guide his hands. I had him caress my breasts, it is so arousing when my nipples twist slightly, and my abdomen, and even my vagina a little. He told me several times how much he loved me. Every once in a while I would slow him down and just have him hold me tight for a minute. It was wonderful. All at once he took me too that special place and I had the most wonderful “fuzzy.” I pulled myself so tight against him, I think I dug my fingers all the way into his back. I couldn’t breathe for a long time and I felt almost hot. Then suddenly I went limp. I felt so loved and so at peace with myself. Hubby started to roll on his back and put my head on his shoulder. I told him “no” because I would fall asleep for sure and it wasn’t quite midnight. We rolled up on our sides and I was kind of giggly and we talked for a little while and then I looked at the clock and it was actually a little past midnight. I said, “it is time.” I rolled on my back. He kissed me and fondled my breasts and then I spread my legs slightly and pushed his head down. He licked me for a moment and then kissed me while he fingered me. I was very wet by now. He slid my legs apart and was about to roll on me and I panicked. My legs snapped shut and I said I can’t do this and I started to cry. I kept saying I am sorry over and over. He pulled the sheet up over us and said it is alright. I told him not to lie to me. It isn’t alright. I promised it would be good and I broke my promise. He said it was more than good that it was wonderful and we just shared the most beautiful love making and it is alright. I just cried even harder and could only say I’m sorry. He kissed me and I couldn’t even kiss him back I was crying so hard. He put me on his shoulder and held me very tight. At some point I cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up this morning, Hubby was already awake. He said, “Happy anniversary. I love you.” I asked him how he could still love me when I ruined his anniversary love making. He said I didn’t ruin anything and he does not love me for the sex. He said I was wonderful. When he has an orgasm it lasts for a couple minutes but what we had last night still feels special this morning. He said he never feels closer to me than when I melt in his arms and last night I just totally surrendered to him and it was magnificent. He told me the only thing he felt bad about was that I wouldn’t believe him when he tells me it was alright, that it was everything he could want for our anniversary love making. I didn’t know what to say except I’m sorry and I love you so much. He said, “no more apologies. Just know I love you.” I put my head back on his shoulder and started to cry but I felt so loved at that moment. I just laid there for several minutes. All at once I lifted my head and kissed him gently and said, “Make love to me. Make me feel everything I am supposed to feel.” I broke loose from his hold and rolled on my back. I pulled his hand onto my breast and said, “I need you to do this.” He caressed my breast and I opened my legs slightly and he massaged my vagina and soon I started to get very wet. I pushed him over and rolled up on him. We have never made love with me on top. I inserted his penis in me and in a short time I had an amazing orgasm, even before he did. I collapsed on him and just laid there and started to cry. And I told him I loved him so much and now he was going to have to hold me very tight but I was so happy. We laid there like that for a long time and he held me so tight.

We obviously didn’t make it to church but I tried to keep busy all day. I made him help clean the house and we went out and rode the ATV carefully around the front yard and I was mostly okay. When we weren’t busy my thoughts were like a Yo-Yo. I would be higher than a kite or feeling like a whore that succumbed to lust. Hubby stayed very close to me all day and held me gently any time he thought I needed a hug. At supper we talked, but not about anything that happened in the bedroom, and I was feeling pretty good. When we got up from the table I said, “I hope I am not jinxing myself but I think I am doing better this time.” Hubby was about to speak and I quickly and sternly said, “don’t say a word.” He just held me and gave me a very long kiss.

We cleaned up the kitchen and that is when I decided I had to write this for our journal. Hubby has stood behind me and rubbed my shoulders the whole time, He only said a couple things but the few times I looked up at him he had a big smile. I didn’t cry once while I wrote this. But I told Hubby that when we go to bed he needed to put the cage back on so there won’t be any temptation. It is still our anniversary after all. LOL He said, “Whoops. I’m sorry. I didn’t think about it this morning.” I told him I will need him to just hold me on his shoulder and it will be okay if I cry.

 

Here it is ISO. It is a Polaris Sportsman 800 cc. It is actually a couple years old but has less that 50 miles on it. The dealer told me when he was showing me how it works that he can't even get enough new ones top keep up with orders. The man who had this one traded it for a side by side cause his wife didn't like riding on this one. He sold it originally and was willing to give us the new warranty. Since Sunday night it has been in my utility shed along with the garden tractors and a ton of other stuff because it is raining and it is supposed to rain off and on till Saturday. I probably don't have time to ride till then anyway so it is for the best. :-(

 

Sorry. When I posted and uploaded the file I got an error message it was to big so I had to adjust the picture

 

First I need to say that what I told her Sunday morning is real. I have always gotten a special feeling that lasts through the next day on those weeknights when we just make sensual love and she melts in my arms. But the way it happened Saturday night, the feeling I got when she surrendered her mind, her body, her whole self, is indescribable. The sex Sunday morning was wonderful but the love I felt that night is still with me today.

I put the cage on Sunday when we went upstairs. She was tense when we got in bed and I caressed her back but she never relaxed. Finally she said, “maybe I’m not okay. Can I just sleep on your shoulder?” I held her tightly and She was very teary and it took a while for her to fall asleep. She seemed better in the morning.

When she came home Monday evening she seemed anxious. I held her a little tighter and gave her a big kiss. I asked her if she was okay. She started to say “I don’t know” but changed it to “I guess so.” She said she is okay at work but the ride home is hard. She said, “I love You.” and went upstairs to change. She took a long time so I am guessing she spent some time talking to her bear. When she came down she seemed a little more relaxed. We had supper and watched a little TV and talked a little but she didn’t want to talk about the anniversary love making at all. I told her I got my helmet. I told her I didn’t ride it yet cause it rained off and on all day. The rest of the week is supposed to be rainy but Saturday is supposed to be nice so I can take her with me on its maiden voyage . (She had gotten her helmet when she bought the ATV.) When we went to bed she didn’t want me to even make love to her in her way. She just wanted to lie on my shoulder and have me hold her very tight. She said, “I love you and I don’t know why you put up with me.” I told her it is because I love her so much and who else would buy me an ATV? She laughed a little and after a few minutes she fell asleep.

Tuesday evening she was still anxious when she got home. She just wanted me to hold her with her head on my shoulder for a long time. When we went to bed she asked me to caress her back. I did and I stroked her hair and kissed her neck and all the things that take her to that special place. She finally relaxed some but never melted. After a few minutes she said, “It’s okay. Can I sleep on your shoulder anyway?” I just said I love you and pulled her head on my shoulder and she fell asleep pretty quickly. My shoulder did get a little damp though. I wish I could make her feel better.

This morning Missy was still a little anxious and before she left for work she said she would try to write down her feelings tonight so we could talk. She said what She wants scares her so much.