Introducing a women to "female led relationships"

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by ChasteBr, Apr 18, 2010.

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  1. ChasteBr
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    ChasteBr Chaste Married Male

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    So, if anyone has read any of my earlier posts, you will know that I am only a little over 3 months into "playing" with chastity with my wife.

    What I was really wondering is, are there any women on here who were introduced to this by their husbands / boyfriends? If so how long did it take you to be comfortable with it, and to start really experimenting with it"?

    I am being as patient as possible with my wife, and I remain hopeful that she will eventually really embrace the power dynamic of the relationship. I also hope someday she wont worry that in her words "she is being cruel to me" and believe me, when I ask her to heep the cruelty on :)

    -Chast Brian
     
  2. montreal_cuck
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    montreal_cuck Junior Member

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    This is a very common problem with many people that are getting into this lifestyle. Society has molded us to believe something - and you are essentially approaching your woman with something completely contradictory to what she has been brought up to believe.

    If someone told you the world was in fact a square...would you believe them? Probably not :)

    While I can't answer your question, because I'm not a woman (even though Goddess says I'm not really a man either ;) ) - I will just say that patience will be your greatest virtue throughout this adventure. If you begin to get impatient and rush things, it will have an opposite effect and send her the other way. More importantly...prove her superiority through actions instead of just words.

    This may seem kind of like your tricking or manipulating your wife, but I think it's worth it to show her the power she has over you when she wants it. While in chastity, be completely subservient...rub her feet, do the chores, be perfect. When not in chastity, be dominant yourself, be a bit of a wise-ass...she'll soon realize that she likes you better while your in chastity! Basically elevate the truth...because the truth is, we are all a lot more subservient while in chastity - so essentially, just make the changes more dramatic so it's easier for her to see.
     
  3. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    I'll answer because I'm not a "born Domme".

    I just flicked through my journals... it was at least a year to 18 months.

    But I've only really got into my stride in the last 6 months.

    Total journey so far from purchasing the chastity device for pet on Valentines 2007 until today... 3 years 2 months and counting.

    I feel like I'm at about 90% of my Domme capacity. Funnily enough, I feel more confident with the control of out-of-the-house subs than with pet.

    In those past three years we pushed a lot of boundaries to get where we are. I'm now free to cuckold, we are working towards 24/7 and I am confident enough to know whenever I go to a club, I'll be in demand.

    The stuff at home, the 24/7 service stuff that pet wants, is the thing that is taking the most time... I'm hoping that will change when we get the MatureMetal.
     
  4. Mrs Jones
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    Mrs Jones Junior Member

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    Lot's of patience. And you will have to guide her. Women who aren't "dominant" personality types will feel their way slowly and need permission to go into dominant or bitch mode because it DOES go against everything we've been taught. As time goes along our confidence builds. Encourage her when she is exhibiting the behaviors you want. Once she realizes she is on the right path, she will snatch the reigns from you and take command. Hope this was helpful.
     
  5. ChasteBr
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    ChasteBr Chaste Married Male

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    Mistress Watchfull,

    As always it is a pleasure to hear from you. In case you dont hear it enough, people like you and Goddess Jenn, who are constantly providing feedback, valuable feedback, are what make this place great.

    :)

    I know I have had a life long fantasy and that she has had 3 months to get used to keeping me locked up after on very very conservative up bringing. But the advice here as always been sound.

    Here's to hoping she has her aha moment sometime sooner than later.

    Follow up questions would be how did chastity start? just as denial. I mean did your husband tell you that he was willing to be punished, or that cruelty was OK? Or did you just implement it on your own?
     
  6. wishful4
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    wishful4 Member

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    Lots of Good Advice Here

    You have received lots of good advice from several KHs here. The hardest thing is to have patience. I have said this before, but things seldom go the way you plan. it will most likely take much longer than you thought, but don't give up and don't push or pressure her. I'm pretty much where you are. but a little farther along the road. I purchased my KH a copy of "Chastity, A Keyholder's Guide", and suggested that she look at this forum, a forum on Drs Net written by someone using the name LateKate, and a website www.aroundherfinger.com. She is proceeding slowly due to other circumstances and events in our life at the moment, but we'll get there together. Good luck on your journey!
     
  7. Locked_In_LV
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    Locked_In_LV Long term member

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    I too am in the extreme early phases of both chastity, and now leaning towards a D/s FLR, it has not yet truly begun, but last night we had a long conversation on the topic as I attempted to put her fears of "being too bitchy" to bed. We settled on a strategy for the early stages while we see what works and what doesn't. This is what we have come up with.

    There is a magnetic dry erase message board on our fridge. Each morning, I will update the message board with either an up or down arrow, or a smiley face. I am allowed to update this board only once per day based on the previous day's activity/instruction. If I feel I can take more, I will put an up arrow, if I feel happily dominated, a smiley face, and if there is something she has done that crosses a line, I will put a down arrow(though I don't really ever expect that to come in to play) It is her choice if she would like to discuss things further based on the message board.

    I know this ultimately constitutes "topping from the bottom" but I also feel it will help us establish a trusting D/s relationship in which we are both fulfilled. To minimize the "topping from the bottom" we enacted the once per day update which can be based solely on the previous day. Whatever she chooses to ask of me will be done without question, if there is any feeling that a line is being crossed, I have only one opportunity to express it the following morning which can either be explored or ignored. Ultimately, it's a crutch until we find our limits in this lifestyle.
     
  8. Celtic Queen
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    Celtic Queen Senior Member

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    My hub and I came to chastity at a later point of exploring FLRs. My first introduction was a conversation that we had before we married where he told me that he wanted to serve me and we both read up FLRs, etc as far and as wide as we could as I had never come across this before. I suspect that had he first presented me with some weird piece of plastic with request to lock it round his genitalia, I would have found it most perturbing. As it was, I bought the first device (a metal cage) as a play item and he started to wear it when he went away on business. He gradually started to miss the device when he wasn't wearing it, explaining that it made him feel "centred and owned" when he had it on and it felt like my control was with him at all time. When we finally went 24/7 with a CB6000, it was me that pulled the plug for a while as I found it all a bit, well, contrived really. I still prefer him not to wear a device at night and I am always very keen to make sure that hygiene standards are as high as is practical.

    There is no escaping the fact that there is an enormous gender divide to communicate across here. As a sweeping generalisation, we as women have no concept of being driven by sexual urges to the point of unhappiness. It's also usually quite a shock to come to terms with quite how much married men actually masturbate. As Mrs Jones so rightly says, we are brought up to believe that shrews, nags and bitches make for unhappy marriages so to be presented with a request - often utterly out of the blue - to be strict and domineering- is uncomfortable and foreign to us.

    There is no "aha moment". It takes lengthy communication, patience and love to get this right and everytime you push, boss and top from the bottom, she probably backs further away. It is fluid and dynamic and is as individual as your relationship so preconceived, "porny Domme" expectations rarely have any place in the real world. Accept whatever type of control she is giving you and I suggest you feel blessed that she is embarking on this at all - there are an awful lot of men on here who have no engagement from their wives whatsoever. Key holding takes a lot of creativity and a suprising amount of effort as women deal with the mood swings, physical issues, cheating on the device with subsequent guilt and everything else that chastity flings in our direction. As you correctly identify, you have had years of getting used this idea. Give your wife the luxury of the same and gracefully accept whatever her brand of control is.
     
  9. Kept4her
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    Kept4her Member

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    Chastity was the beginning and opening step of our FLM. I was able to introduce my wife to it and she was willing to give it a try. She is not a "born Dom" also. We actually talked about this subject tonight on the way to the store. Just her talking about it freely with me is a big step. Usually I have to bring up the topic. She pointed out that it will take her time (Possibly a LONG time) to find her comfort level with the FLM and chastity.

    One thing many have told me and I stand by. Take your time, don't push, let her find her comfort level on her time schedule. I am ready to go at 100 MPH and she is still at walking speed. But if I push she could pull away from the idea. So I wait and learn to be the submissive I should be.

    Best of luck
     
  10. Ms.Linda
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    Ms.Linda No longer a member

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    I agree fully with everyone here who has said "Do NOT push". I, like Mistress Watchful, am not a born Domme. Quite the opposite. I catered to my first husband consistently. And what I received in return was degredation, humiliation and abuse. My second husband was so far at the opposite end of the scale I seriously couldn't believe my luck. Right from the beginning of our relationship, he made his desires known. Obviously, I had never even entertained the thought that people actually lived like that. I thought it was strictly done for the sake of cheesy porn films (sorry). But, he was caring, loving, and gently brought me along the path. Occassionally, his wants overpowered his sensibilities and in doing so would drive me back into the safety of my own world. He learned there that to push too hard was only counter-productive. There is nothing wrong with discussing expectations, making your desires known, and being as open as possible. THAT is not topping from the bottom..THAT is caring enough for your partner to not think she/he can read your mind. This lifestyle is complicated enough. Communication without pressure is the key to making any part of it possible.
     
  11. Mistress Lauren
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    Mistress Lauren Active member

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    I can't figure out how to quote someone, but I couldn't agree more with Ms. Linda. If two people don't talk about what they want, how it's progressing so far, and what they'd like to add/change, due to fear of "topping from the bottom", then how will they ever be able to grow in their relationship and get closer to where they both want to be?

    My b/f wants me to act very bitchy and demanding, and it is VERY difficult for me. It's only been a couple of days that we've been talking about FLR and stuff though, so he will just have to be patient. Even though I know he wants me to make demands, I just feel so bad demanding stuff instead of asking.

    He also works away from home and I stay home with our 3 yr old child, so when he comes home from work, I feel bad demanding he do dishes, cook dinner, or whatever else. I guess it will just take time getting used to... for both of us.
     
  12. SubHub72
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    This is something that is hard for me to grasp but I think is true for us. It seems like holding a key to a man's chastity device would be pretty easy... but I am realizing how needy I can be when locked. I think about the difficulties I face when being locked: peeing, ensuring the kids don't get near it, etc. I don't think of it from her perspective enough.

    We are discussing more and more moving to an FLR and it is hard. I think a "normal" relationship requires a lot of communication but an FLR is perhaps 5x more. I think I do have a problem in "topping from the bottom" although I have conscientiously tried not to. For example, I have dropped discussing the strapon (we've bought but not used yet). But it's my nature to act. It is VERY difficult to wait on her. She has said she is going to do xzy to me and then I "prepare" for it and then she's upset about it. ARGH! I guess in doing so, I am inadvertantly putting additional pressure on her, then she thinks she's not doing it right and it goes downhill from there. I honestly don't even realize I am doing it. She has told me that she is not comfortable "telling" me what to do. So I feel like I am in a position where I have to read her mind, which I'm terrible at.
     
  13. jeank
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    jeank Member

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    As all the entries above stress, patience, patience, and then if that doesn't work, more patience.

    We are about 8 months in. I introduced my Wife to being my KH first, full of expectations that it would be an instant lifestyle change, but then got frustrated at the lack of change. I went through the "you're not doing it right" stage in my mind, but fortunately didn't voice it much, although I was fairly petulant a couple of times and luckily got a piece of Her mind for it.

    I was then lucky enough to get some solid advice from a longterm sub who made me ask myself a basic question - "Is this an occasional game or a lifestyle?". When I said with no hesitation "lifestyle", he made the comment "FLR - it's about Her and all about Her and what She wants". I had to do a complete re-think.

    It is a huge change for Her, and it is in Her time and the way She wants it. Does it match my initial expectations? Of course not. Does it match Hers? Yes, I think so, as her expectations are something she is developing from a starting point of not having any. And my expectations are also evolving as I come to accept that the reality of our nascent FLR is that it's not about me. It's about me serving Her needs.

    Her keeping me locked in chastity most of the time (which she does) is not the main issue, although that is part of it and one that makes me aware of Her power, it's about me submitting to Her authority. In whatever form She decides that should be.

    So am I getting what I wanted initially? I have to say NO, because what I wanted initially was something I thought was an FLR, but I saw it on my terms, not Hers. Am I getting what I want now that I have changed my expections? More and more every day. And it's a wonderful feeling seeing your wife's confidence blossom as She grows into a new role. On Her terms and in Her time.

    So that's a lot of rambling. I think what I'm trying to say is that we may not get what we initially wanted, but if we can let it evolve, we can end up on a journey that is far more interesting and real. Do I wish it was moving faster? Yes, in my (all too frequent) selfish periods, but I have to keep telling myself "It's all about Her, stupid".

    I think too much is made of the "sin" of topping from the bottom. As all the posters have stated above, communication and understanding is absolutely key, but not easy. I think it's the difference between the "you're not doing it right" thing, which is a "sin", and trying to gain a mutual understanding of each others desires and needs. Better to err a little on the side of trying to communicate and getting a "slap on the wrist" than being afraid and not communicating enough.

    But the net result for us is that we are communicating a lot more and in a better and more open way than we have done in YEARS. And we are both a lot more contented with each other and a lot happier with our relationship and more deeply in love than we can remember since the early days of our relationship 30 years ago.

    btw., She found aroundherfinger.com was useful in getting some perspective on authority. As well as the inevitable "Lucy bible" for the chastity bit.
     
  14. Tom2001
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    Tom2001 Junior Member

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    Hello,

    I agree with most of the things written in this thread, and would like to add that in my experience it is important (in the beginning) to point out the practical advantages of chastity control by your partner. These are, among others:

    * certainty of sexual loyalty - in stead of just trust,
    * an effective means of control/pressure for her to get things her way, even when you disagree,
    * having a horney and willing husband whenever she wants sex,
    * a general attitude change for the better: more focuss on her and what she wants.

    For some women one advantage may be more convincing than another.

    Good luck!
     
  15. Miss Foxy
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    Miss Foxy The good wife

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    Well this is now an older thread - but still relevant I guess

    In our home, my husbond was the one to take initiative for me to dominate him - he have asked me subtle before, but I never really put anything into these request.
    A year ago I found his secret dating-profile - and I realised how much he really meant this.
    It took almost a year to regain trust.

    A couple of months ago, we again had to talk about this side in him - and we have talked for many hours about what this is.
    He explained how he wants me to dominate him completely ect., but since it's not naturally for me, I have spent a LONG time getting my head right - and figured out if we're to do this, then what do I want?
    I guess by now it has taken at least 3 months, and we're not even halfway there..... (maybye 5%) - but we will get there - I just need time to get used to this new me - and sometimes I need to put it away for a couple of weeks.

    What I don't like, is when he ask me to "dominate me" or "talk dirty/down to me" - I dont know what he want's/thinks, and I get unsecure and embarressed ...... what I do like, is when he ask me to do certain things to him - like "give him anal", "dialate his uterus", "tie up his cuck" or just tease and use him" - then I have a "theme" to work from, and I know that he will like the setting as well - and I can practise the difficult psycological aspect instead.

    He gets very frustrated that it takes me this long, but there is no other way!
    I want it to work too - but I really need to feel secure in order to enjoy myself.
    Small things can make me feel like I want a break - like when I tell him to wear a cock-ring, and he only wears it for a day or so, and then forgets - then I feel like, "well does he really want to do this?"...... and then I need some time off.

    Hope that you're playtime has evolved, and is very satisfying for both of you.

    Miss Foxy
     
  16. MadameNerissa
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    MadameNerissa Mistress Nerissa

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    After reading all of the responses, I gained the impression that KH's were supposed to be "bitchy" or at least that word kept coming up and it seems like that is what is expected. Many women have an aversion to this label. It is possible, and in my opinion preferred, to be dominate without being bitchy. I have never in my life raised my voice. I don't have to. My displeasure is made known swiftly and immediately without sacrificing any ladylike behavior. And I am not speaking of any experience gained by a FLR since I have never experienced such, but as a natural Dom, I can tell you that assertive control is more effective than bitchiness any day of the week.

    Perhaps changing your expectations of your partner's behavior and focusing on the outcome would have a better effect. A true Dom has to earn respect before she can command it. She has to respect herself before she can command others. And for many women, this is the most difficult. If you want your relationship to change, there is nothing that should be done. Simply treat her with the respect that she deserves and in time, she will come to command that respect as her due. But for a woman who was not born a Dom, this could be a long process. By trying to rush her, you are not respecting her command but rather focusing on your needs and that is not acceptable. Focus on her and her needs and she will do the same, however if you focus on your needs and how she is not pleasing you, not only are you leading the relationship, but you are undermining the very attitude that you want her to cultivate which is counter-productive.

    Mme. Nerissa
     
  17. Sir in chastity
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    Sir in chastity Junior Member

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    Like a good wine or fine meal, do not rush it less you could ruin it.

    From a slightly different POV than the ladies here you will hear the same words; you can NOT rush her. I have on occasion rushed my wife on something and she was adverse to it for some time after. In almost all cases, be clear about what you like (not too many details but the feel, flavor and some activities) sow the seeds. As an example, breath play scares the daylights out of my wife and the gas mask is terrifying. ...but asking her to hold her breath as she orgasms? "Damn, that was hot." were her words. Hey, that was breath play! Just toned down, sold in a gentler manner. It's even harder for someone into extreme play like me to tone it down some times. ...but love, patience, bad times and good times get you there. What you end up with might not be the picture you have now but it will be real.

    The ladies have this spot on, take your time. As men we often want what we want and NOW. Patience, focus on the big prize.

    Be aware, some things will totally turn her on and some will turn her off. My PA has my wife turned off on oral but the slave loves it. Yet my wife likes flicking the CBR with her fingers. Go figure. She likes the look and hated watching me in pain as it happened. Did not like the stainless 10GA CBR, 8GA stainless bent barbell but likes the 8GA titanium CBR. No opinions on the 6GA stainless horseshoe. She did not like the looks of the CB6000. Both ladies like the Lori #7.

    One thing that has worked on feedback from some friends in the public scene; Consider it a fun way to show your commitment and love for her. Lock yourself and leave the keys on the dresser. You'll both know they are there and who knows, maybe she'll get mischievous and take the keys.

    Ask her what she wants, what turns her on and makes her happy. Then do those things. Focus on the woman or women in your life and her/their needs and desires. I know I do and in return, they focus on my wants and needs. It is a partnership. This is something often missed by so many when looking at M/s relationships. It IS a partnership. Work with your partner; set and reach the goals together.

    Good luck and slow and steady wins the race.
     
  18. slave_nemo
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    slave_nemo slave to Mistress Ivey

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    Mistress Ivey has a blog where she has posted a letter from a friend because it does, very nicely, just what you are asking for help doing.

    Here's the link


    Let her know if it is any help... :)
     
  19. Queen V's sub
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    Queen V's sub Mistress Valerie's bitch

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    Hi all I am going to skip the quotes because there would be so many. i would like to thank all the Mistress's and other sub's like myself that have responded to this post. my Wife and i are new to this and it has been a very short time that we have agreed to make this a lifestyle rather than just something we play every once in a while. my Queen is not a born Top, just the opposite. However, i have seen it in Her and i see the enjoyment in Her eyes when Her Dom side comes out. While it has only been a month, 2 weeks since we have talked about why all of a sudden I am doing all the housework and being much more of a loving husband, i was expecting more from Her.

    i know it would take time but i guess i was expecting things to move along a bit faster, i guess that is selfish of me and i was starting to feel depressed like it was not going to happen. However, after reading everyone’s posts in this thread i realize it is a slow process and at times very slow. We have also talked very little so i think we need more of that, i was afraid of pushing so i have been very slow in opening up entirely also.

    Again, Thank You after reading your posts i am looking forward to this long journey.

    mike
     
  20. Miss Foxy
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    Miss Foxy The good wife

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    Well once I become a truly Domme - I'll try to enlight you to what is was that tipped me over......

    I guess it's a very fine balance between giving time, and push ever so gently - so you both keeps focused on where youre going.
    If you "just" give her time and leave her be - she might just fall back in her/your old routines - I know thats exactly one of my problems..... if my husband doesn't "remind" me to be dominating - I tend to let it go..... But if he gets too pushy - thats also is gonna make me turn away - so it's such a delicate line between being too pushy, and being too vauge.

    But as everyone says - me including..... it definetly takes time for a not natural born Domme to get herself into that character completely - but it's quite important that you help her feeling secure whenever she actually steps into character - and do praise her and tell her what a wonderfull job she does...... off course the latter should be absolute obsolete to even mention - since that's part of your natural tasks :)

    Good luck on your journey.

    Miss Foxy
     
  21. rickiee_2002a
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    rickiee_2002a Member

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    Brian,

    my introduction of this to my Wife ...now Mistress/KH ... was somewhat different.

    I was not being a very attentive husband. i wasn't being unfaithful, in the traditional sense ... but i was not satifying my Wife sexually ... because i was masturbating to porn several times a day.

    I got careless on the computer, and She had her Sister who is does forensic computer work for the police ... search my computer and find all my porn files. Within those, She found my desire to crossdress ... to be submissive. It was not Her typical nature to be this way with me, but coupled with Her anger that i would rather masturbate than have sex with Her ... made her very mad.

    It all came to a head, and she now controls every aspect of my life ... including ... obviously ... when and IF i will have an orgasm. i truly have to say it saved our marriage ... not that we were headed for divorce ... but our life had become like so many others ... no sexual desire for the other person in the relationship.

    She did the research since then and has become a very effective Mistress ... and it's still developing. We have only been in this lifestyle for 8 months.

    Good luck!

    rickiee




     
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